5 Things I Don’t Need to See in Your Dating Profile Pictures

July 6th, 2012

1. Fish

I get it. We’re in Wisconsin. Fishing is big, and maybe you like the outdoors. I’m glad you like it, even though it’s not my thing, but how do you think it sells you on a dating website?

2. A picture of your boat, 4-wheeler, snowmobile or tractor.. without you.

People on PlentyofFish seem to do this more than any other site. Hey dude, I want to know if you’re good looking or possibly fun. I’d rather see you on that piece of machinery or fixing it or.. catching a freakin’ fish wish it. It ads absolutely zero value to your profile.

3. More than one picture of you and your car.

I can tell exactly how much of an asshole you are by your car. C’mon, try me. What’s more, anyone who takes pictures with his cars is 99% guaranteed to be more of an asshole than I’ll date. Multiple pictures moves that up to 100%.

Bad Photoshopping4. Bad Photoshop erasing of the ex.

Exes, we all have them. It sucks, right? Maybe you took some good pictures together, but these don’t need to be on your profile. Lie and tell me she’s your sister. Don’t do the world’s shittiest editing to scratch her out like some creepy stalker. Don’t physically rip the photo and scan it. Don’t black out her eyes. If you don’t have any other good photo of you, make one. This is what you do, guys: call your buddy, your sister, your mom, anyone who is willing to take some photos. Put on your best shirt, find a nice outdoor spot and take some God damned pictures until you look good.

5. Anything that makes you look like an alcoholic

Again, this is Wisconsin. Our beer is cheap and there are only two people who don’t like it, yours truly included. I don’t care if you like to drink or go out (actually, I do. We’d have incompatible lifestyles), and I’ve seen a lot of fun pictures where people were obviously enjoying themselves at night, on the town, but here’s a few suggestions to make sure your drinkin’ pics are safe:

  • For every drinking pic, put up two without alcohol
  • Don’t post any picture drunk
  • Don’t post any picture where you’re wearing something intended to drink beer
  • Only one beer in the hand at any time
  • Clear away all the empty bottles
  • Don’t take pictures of empty beer bottle collections
  • I don’t want to see what your friends did after you got that drunk
  • Keep your damned clothes on


Runners Up

  • Abs — because nothing says “I have no interests” like having a six pack
  • Pics of you with other girls hanging all over you. If you were that hot, why you so single, dude?
  • Pictures of you mid-chew. Swallow, guy.


What turns you off when browsing dating website photos?

7 Comments to “5 Things I Don’t Need to See in Your Dating Profile Pictures”

  • Rockin' says:

    Ahahahaha these cracked me up. I don’t mind ab photos as long as it’s stealthy, like if a guy is working shirtless and happens to be flexing. I don’t like bathroom-mirror ab shots. And they are so common. 🙁

    I dislike when people _only_ have photos of themselves traveling. “Here’s when I was in China!” “Here’s Paris!” “Here’s hiking a mountain in…” shut up I get that you travel.

    • Adriana says:

      Yes. And sometimes they’ll chop off their heads. Well, if I’m going to do laundry on your abs,that’s the most important part… but chances are slim that’s the case.

  • Kira says:

    The car one made me giggle because my husband’s Facebook photos are literally all of his car. Not him and his car, just his car. If ever he was single again, that would be his dating profile picture I’m sure of it.

    I’m in New Orleans and people here post a lot of Mardi Gras pictures on their dating profiles. It’s a hundred times worse than regular drinking photos because they’re covered in gaudy beads and clearly trashed beyond belief. I’d take a “night on the town” photo any day over the Mardi Gras shots.

    • Adriana says:

      I think that location definitely affects what people are posting. I HOPE TO GOD that people in other locales don’t see all the god damned fish pictures. TELL ME YOU DONT!!

      • Kira says:

        We get a little of that since there’s a few areas around here where hunting and fishing is popular. It’s not nearly as big here as it sounds like it is where you are. Thank goodness! I couldn’t deal with seeing that many fish photos.

  • stepahnie says:

    HAHA. This is so true!

Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. 6 Picture Mistakes Men Make on Tinder - of Sex and Love

Leave a Reply