So these things have been sitting on my dresser for a while. My cats like to sit on them and, you know, I’m kind of pussy whipped. Also, I’m not sure what to put in them. It’s not an issue of not having enough toys without storage. It’s an issue of liking the design so much that I don’t just want to shove them in my nightstand, but my remote controls don’t really need satin pouches — or do they?
Let’s start with the logo, then. It’s this stylized heart. It doesn’t scream “sex toy” or adult at all, which is why I love it. It’s got clean lines and I’d like to wear it as a hoodie, I really would. Like, even in front of my mom. Whoa. I know.
So, the logo is printed on all of Lovehoney’s bags in a vinyl. It feels like any screen-printed tee. It’s set off to the bottom and corner, which is appealing to my eye. It’s in a bright red, but even though people always tell me that red and purple don’t match, I think they’re dumb. The purple is a cool blue base, but it’s purple.. so that’s a problem for some folks. But, think about the naked sex toys! Aren’t purple togas better than none at all? I rest my case.
I received two different pouches because the folks at Lovehoney love me. The small isn’t even that small at 5.6-by-8 inches. It’s longer than the Don Wands storage pouch, at least, and it’s not puffy so you can actually put stuff inside it. The large is the same width but is significantly longer at 13.2 inches. The awkward measurements are because these are actually in metric, but converting won’t kill me. However, the Lovehoney website tries to explain how large of a toy you can store in these pouches when closed, so the two sets of numbers is a little confusing in my opinion. The large sac is about an inch shorter than it actually measures because of the hem/cinch area. That’s something to take into consideration.
Still, both bags are impressively sized. You can fit a fuckin’ rabbit vibe into the large. The puffy, awkwardly sized storage I’ve used in the past couldn’t do this. The small bag will easily fit cock rings, condoms, small bottles of lube or just a handful of clitoral stimulators if you happen to have them lying around, which I do.
The exterior is a shiny satin, the interior unfinished. There’s no rough edges, and all the hems and stitches seem secure. I imagine the material would get caught on nails, so treat them with caution. Unlike the puffy bags, you could hand wash these and lay them flat to dry if you spilled lube on them, which is always nice.
The bags secure with loops of purple ribbon. It’s thin and easy to use but not so pretty. You could cut the knots at the end of each side to replace with some pretty ribbon, but I think that’s silly. On the other hand, if your ribbon did fray, replacing it wouldn’t be so hard. Removing it altogether is also an option.
When you close the bag, you lose some length, of course, so you should be wary of that. As this is thin satin, it’s not going to protect your toys from a drop off the Empire State Building but you probably won’t care when someone sues you for murder. At around $5, these bags are a steal. The one option that I really liked is no longer available. Although Devine Toys has a nice option, it’s almost three times the price of these from Lovehoney. These are definitely the better option for frugal folks. Plus, Lovehoney has a ton of other branded gear to match!