April 18th, 2009

My hair is matted to my face with sweat. In the movies, it would swirl around my face in perfect waves but this is not a movie. It’s messy and tangled and it suddenly dawns on me how erotic that is.

I am covered in sweat, the sheets beneath me are warm with it. I always sweat more when I masturbate than during sex. I could say I don’t know why but I would be lying. It’s not because you do all the work, either. It’s because during masturbation, I feel it so entirely. I move my entire body. My back and hips lift from the bed. Some might use words like “gyrate” to describe the movement but I prefer “hump.”

I’ve always wondered if it’s the same for other women. Or am I unique in the way I pleasure myself? It’s a constant increase in effort. It’s a lot of work and it’s not explosive when I get off. It’s almost angry in a sense, as though my body were screaming.

I’ve masturbated so hard my arms and wrists have hurt for days. Sometimes I cannot help but laugh when I remember why I hurt. I moan and sigh and blood rushes to place no one else has experienced. No one but you.

Without fail, my fantasies turn to you. Sometimes things we have done. Sometimes things we have yet to do. In my mind, we’re fucking. In reality, my legs spread to let even the thought of you penetrate me.

I try to remember the last time we had sex. It’s been too long and I don’t know the date anyway. I can never remember how frequently we hace sex. Is it once a day or once a week? I remember, the orgasm though. I remember your body, slick with sweat, atop mine. I remember my fingers working furiously at my clit and feeling my orgasm. I remember looking up at you and commanding you.

“Look at me. Look at me!”

And you did. You looked at me as I came, your cock thrusting into my pussy and I worked it for all I was worth. It was the first time I ever really let the orgasm take control. My hips bucked beneath you and it just kept coming, my pussy contracting around your cock. I don’t know if it was the longest orgasm I have yet to experience or simply what can be only be called a clusterfuck of orgasms. But I know I came and my face was intent on yours as I did.

It was a bold move on my part, commanding your attention. It took so much, more than any other time I ventured to try something new. For years, I had avoided eye contact. Eye contact, I thought, showed vulnerability and I could not afford that. I remember you, early on, lying in my bed and wanting to look me in the eye but I simply stared at the ceiling instead.

It changed. Somewhere along the way, it was okay to be vulnerable with you, to look you in the eye, to cry when the need arose. Isn’t that a testament to our bond? But it still took years to break the barrier that prevented me from making eye contact during sex. How could we been having sex, been married for years without ever doing this? Why didn’t I push for it earlier? Had I known..

Had I known how deeply I would feel my orgasm. Had I known how deeply connected I would feel to you. Had I known how it would make you orgasm with me. We should have been doing this all along. I should have let myself experience this all along. I should have let us.

My revelation is short lived. You’re not here to share now and my heart feels heavy, my pussy shockingly empty. I can’t count the days until your return, either. It’s like I’m stuck in limbo.

And so I return to fantasizing about you. It’s like I have been rewired and every erogenous zone, every lustful thought connects straight to you. I imagine making up lost time. I throw myself into our love making, in my mind, straddling, kissing, stroking, touching you. Loving you. I don’t have to imagine to know that nothing has ever come so naturally to me. There were times I wanted to fight it with every fiber of my being yet I can’t imagine why. I can’t imagine fighting it anymore. Ever again.

I fantasize about you. See your body, hear your voice, feel your skin in my mind. I moan your name aloud as I cum, as though you are there with me. You’re not but I promise you all of my fantasies – and more – when I see you again, love. I don’t need to close my eyes to you anymore.

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