Intellectually, I want to be having more sex. I’ll think about it and it’s like “Man, when is the last time we have sex? We should be having more sex.” But even if he’s home while I’m thinking this and we’re both not really doing anything, I don’t want to have sex then. In reality, I guess I don’t want sex very much. Or maybe I’m just not in the mood and too lazy or busy to try.
I think it’s gotten worse because my body and its sensitivities have obviously changed since before he was deployed. Maybe it was not having sex or maybe it was just solo time that got me into habits that are hard to break. Maybe it’s just me growing older and my body changing naturally but it makes it a lot harder for what used to work, to work now. It feels like my body is a stranger, a stranger who hates me. Maybe I didn’t love how it was before but I’d give anything to go back to a constant.
Now, I need a lot more foreplay. A lot more time to get turned on and ready for even manual stimulation, externally. I know he’s trying. I know he’s going slower but.. it’s just not enough and I don’t want to have to say that. “Hey, I know you’re trying but you fail, buddy.” So I just endure it.
When I feel like I’m just lying there for him to get off, it really makes me feel worthless. I know he wouldn’t want me to feel that way but I feel used. Knowing that there is potential for it to be good makes it that much worse. It’s honestly one of the worst feelings I’ve ever felt.
Most of the time now, I find myself thinking “When is he going to stop/cum/switch positions? That hurts, that feels pokey. Can’t he tell I need lube? What the fuck is he doing? And if I tell him, is it going to crush his ego?” I know communication is important but I’m just so sick of communicating. I’m just so sick of saying “This isn’t working” when I don’t know what will work anymore. Sex has become a running list of what isn’t working in my head and that list is so big it just makes me feel defeated.
As long as he thinks it’s okay/good, he thinks he’s doing a good job so I know not saying anything is ultimately not helping. It’ll just go downhill from here and here is bad enough. I feel like I’ve lost something that defined us – in a good way – and he has no idea that I just want to sob. I hate not being able to connect through sex like we used to and I hate how emotionally distant I feel all the time. I try to talk about it but I don’t really put it all out there because I don’t want to upset him. I don’t want to make him feel this way, too. It’s almost better if he is ignorant.
We did talk about it a bit yesterday and, ultimately, it cut him deep. It slashed his confidence, especially about oral cause he always felt like that was his strong suit. And that only made it worse. But it’s such a touchy subject, how can I expect him not to be affected by it too? It would be completely unfair and douchey for me to say “Hello?! We’re talking about me here” because it obviously involves him. So me trying to express my feelings resulted in a lot of hurt feelings on his part which is no help because he’s already stressed with everything that leaving the AF entails (which has also killed his sex drive quite a bit). Hearing that his sex drive isn’t what it used to be only makes me feel worse. I can’t even depend on that.
I guess there’s a bit of a silver lining. Feel good cuddles did turn into sex that wasn’t horrible. Maybe not perfect but I’d at least call it successful. I just wish I could say that all the time. I wish I didn’t feel like it was a fluke.
You make a really good point that not saying anything isn’t helping. It’s kind of why I don’t believe in faking orgasms. Because it will never get any better if your partner is unaware that there’s even something wrong.
Communication is key, and there are ways to talk to a partner about it without making them feel like a lousy lover, or providing a blow to their ego.
Unless your partner is the kind of person who takes everything that way, all the time. Like my husband.