Follow my adventures in dating as a 30-something, sex-positive divorcee who likes rough sex.
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Open Letter to Midwestern Singles
November 26th, 2012
Listen, you’re from Wisconsin — or Nebraska or Illinois or Wyoming, it doesn’t fuckin’ matter — and there’s a total of two large-ish cities in the state. If you head into your friendly neighborhood dating site and you say you’re only looking for people “near you,” then you’re likely to be disappointed. There is, quite literally, a 99% chance that you’ve met everyone in your podunk town. The ones you haven’t fucked, you’re related to. Let’s hope those two groups don’t cross. Anyway, this is precisely why you’re online, so if you don’t think you need to branch out, you’re sadly mistaken.
So, if a cute chick from slightly-more-than-five-miles away messages you, answer her. Okay?
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Desperation, My Instant Turn Off
October 9th, 2012
Listen, I don’t want to hear about how lonely you are. I don’t want to know that you’re sad. I assume you’re single and you want a relationship. I do, too. We can safely make those assumptions based on our membership at the same dating site. But I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to hear about it. And I certainly don’t want to listen to you whine about it, okay?
I’m willing to bet that most people agree. After all, they say that confidence is a definite turn on for almost everyone, and while desperation isn’t necessarily the opposite, it’s certainly related to the lack thereof. I don’t even desire someone who’s necessarily confident. We can work on that, but I absolutely cannot work with someone who’s desperate.
Or clingy. I don’t do clingy. I need my space. I need someone who can stand on his own two feet. I need someone who won’t attach himself to me after one date–or less. I can’t be expected to fix you or make you feel whole. That’s not my job, nor is is the job of a relationship.
I’m not being picky. This is not an unreasonable request, and if you disagree, you shouldn’t be messaging me. You shouldn’t even be dating. You should be making an appointment with the nearest mental health professional. They’ll deal with your desperation much better than I do.
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The Boring Guy
September 2nd, 2012
I went on a first date with a guy. He seemed okay online, but I couldn’t get a good feel for him. I assumed he was perhaps shy and awkward–as nerds tended to be. He wasn’t horrible looking, and we had common interests. The Hot Nerd had also just gone on a date, so this motivated me to do the same.
This new guy and I met for coffee. I suggested the shop as a convenient place. As it turns out, neither of us like coffee, and he found the prices too expensive for his unemployed self. I feel as though saying one must have a job is hypocritical. After all, I was unemployed for most of my marriage. However, I feel like he should have been able to explain what he was doing to keep himself busy. In short, I felt like he was something of a loser or someone who didn’t know how to get things done. All I ever do is get things done, even when I’m not working. No one would ever accuse me of not keeping busy. I respect someone who knows how to do that.
Employment aside, I found this guy to be awkward and boring. I mean, if we have common interests but you can’t talk about it in a way that interests me, you probably just suck. Am I right? The conversation was full of awkward pauses. I used a lot of filler words to prolong it, and I didn’t enjoy myself at all. After a short walk, we called it quits. I was ready to shake his hand and walk away, but he felt like an uncomfortable hug was better. I wondered how long my boobs would have to be smooshed against him–literally. The hug went on for a long time, and it felt weird to hug a guy so close to my own height (he claims 5’4″, but he exaggerated).
Not an hour later, he wanted to know when we’d next hang out. Truthfully, I didn’t see him as much of a friend or a romantic partner. I wanted to let him down easily, but I also accidentally erased his number and lost his messages on OkCupid. After a few days, he messaged again. I took the time to explain that I didn’t feel any chemistry, but he tried to save face by explaining how he was easily entertained and just wanted to hang out.
I haven’t replied to him since. I’ve been busy moving–it went okay!–and hadn’t given it much thought. I suppose I gave him all the consideration that I could have, but I’ve never been in this situation before. At the very least, I wanted to try being friends with the guys I’d dated. He just didn’t cut it.
I suppose the bright side is that I’m a great first date. People want to see me again, even when I feel like it’s apparent we have no chance at being even friends. I entertain them. It gave me a boost in my confidence. Is that good enough?
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Introspection
November 5th, 2011
I recently came across this post on STFU Conservatives. Joe and Jess had written and reblogged a few times about the “Nice Guy TM” who actually isn’t so nice but uses the label to get a pity fuck, basically. But this comic struck a nerve because, in it, I saw a little bit of myself — and the Hot Nerd — in the comic and that worried me.
Am I that guy? Am I the person just sitting around, waiting for the object of my affection to slowly wear down until he decides he can settle for me? This weighed heavily on me for a few days. It worried me. I don’t want to be a creep. I don’t want to be the fake Nice Guy TM.
And I’ve decided I’m not. Because, while I may hold out hope, the happiness of the Hot Nerd is as important to me as his friendship and those things will always take priority over the fact that I believe we could be really good together. While I hope more time together will bring us closer, I want it to be because it has helped him realize the same spark, not decide to live without it.
Phew, I can live with myself for another day.
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No Thank You
October 29th, 2011
I’ve gotten a lot of interesting messages on OkCupid. Most of the ones I’ve started myself have fizzled out. I’ve made a good friend fallen in love with an adorable geek and I’ve had some interesting conversations. I’ve assigned nicknames to the people who really stuck out in my mind, including the Hot Nerd and Creepy Tall Guy. Now I can add this guy to the list; although, I don’t have a nickname yet. I’m thinking The Obnoxious Douchebag.
His first message didn’t sit quite right with me:
I read your “you should msg me if”…..and I fit ALL 3 of ’em. You look at my photo and you think “jock” “asshole” or whatever else comes to mind that’s intellectually demeaning. But I assure you, I’ve spent the vast majority of my life in nerddom. Much of that’s changed over the past 3 years or so, but…..I’ll always be a geek at heart. Afterall, my major is Math with actuarial emphasis. English was actually my second language; I learned numbers first. I’m a bit of a numbers freak (I’ve seriously freaked people out). But I don’t let many know that. But since you alluded to you having interest in geeky dudes, I figured I’d put the shit on point so I got another reason to message you. And for God’s sake, post a profile pic of you smiling, would ya! 🙂
And so I let him know. I wasn’t super interested in anything he’d said or his pictures but I figured, maybe he was nervous and we could turn things around when I responded:
I’m glad you read my profile but I do have to say that your message came off a bit aggressive. I feel almost as if you’re attacking me — in fact, you assume that I would make assumptions — and it’s a bit awkward, especially with the smiley face on the end. Perhaps you are just eager and/or I’m reading a bit much into this but I’d like to suggest, as politely as possible, that you might want to start out a bit differently, more calmly, so as to not scare off people in the future.
I checked with a guy friend to make sure it was friendly but on point. Apparently the meaning went over The Obnoxious Douchebag’s head because his response was this:
Um….there r so many chicks w so many dif personalities out there, i aint worried bout scaring a couple ubersensitive ones off.
That’s fine. Plenty of fish in the sea. Unless maybe you’ve resorted to a dating site. Then maybe you out to worry about how you might be scaring off the “chicks.” Also, use some God damned English, would ya?!
