Dear Sex Toy Manufacturers

October 18th, 2012


Remember me? Adriana’s the pseudonym. I’ve been reviewing your dildos, vibrators, bondage gear and lubes for years. Years. I’ve tried G-spot and rabbit vibrators. Silicone dildos and those made of God-knows-what. I’ve got whips and paddles and handcuffs–no chains yet, though. I’ve tried lubes that stuck and some that stung and some that worked wonderfully. Even green ones. I could probably write a poem about it.

Let’s see:

This lube has a water base

this one’s made from silicone

this one smells, so keep it far from your face

this one helps you ride his cock all the way home


I don’t know. It’s a work in progress. I wrote it in, like, ten seconds, okay? My point is, you know me, and I know all about your products. And I think you’re slacking. It’s not just that I’ve tried everything; it’s that you’re not coming out with new things that are innovative or different in a way that actually works.

The last truly innovative product I recall seeing was the Minna Ola–and that was 2010. Now, I’m just seeing products that are re-released versions of previous toys, and many of these upgrades are pretty lackluster. Maybe I’m in the minority, but I’d like to see something new that gets me excited.

It feels like these past two years have include a lot of copycat designs, silicone molds and fancy terminology that tries to convince me this toy is something better than last year’s model when it isn’t. As someone who also doesn’t like buzzy vibrations, I’m continuously shocked when manufacturers rely on AAAs as a power source. What’s up with that?

So, dear manufacturers, let me sum it up for you. You’re lagging, you’re boring, you’re failing, and I’m onto you. I want you to create toys that look pretty, provide unforgettable sensations and last a little more than six months if that isn’t too much to ask. I’m willing to pay more for a better toy. Hell, plenty of us are. But I’m not so willing to pay a lot for a mediocre toy that’s a rehash of the same old thing.

The only way you’re going to be able to do something new is if you’re not afraid to experiment and make mistakes. Sure, it might be expensive and, yes, not every toy will succeed, but where do you think all these innovative sex toys came from anyway?

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