Does it help?

November 29th, 2009

Last night I saw a post by Essin’ Em in which she discussed a post by Sinclair Sexsmith on the subject of “femme invisibility.” My long-story-short understanding is that femmes are frequently assumed by folks straight and queer alike to be straight based on looks. There’s a lot of judgment that can deal someone quite the mental or emotional blog. I sympathized by Essin’ Em’s account and the countless comments on Sinclair’s post and chastised myself for being guilty of treating people similarly in the past (hey, I’m only human). I had to sign off before finishing them because I should have headed to bed hours before.

Now, I’m not lesbian and, even if I were, probably wouldn’t fall into either category but these comments all got me thinking and think is what I did as I lay in bed for over an hour, still not sleeping. And the thought that struck my was “does the internet help?” I thought of e-mailing Essin’ Em but decided just to blog about it.

Does the internet help reduce this invisibility? Does it allow femmes to congregate, to boost each other’s esteem or just to hear a sympathetic voice? Does it help by allowing issues like these to be discussed? To point out to people who may be participating in this offensive and hurtful behaviour (and who may not even know it), why it’s offensive or hurtful? To pass along helpful hints about how to react/deal when someone does treat a femme as invisible? Does it help because the people you meat judge less based on looks? And, if you meed them face to face, are they more accepting because you knew each other online? Does it help point people in the direction of people, places or groups who do not behave in such a manner? Do any potential lessons actually go farther than the screen?


2 Comments to “Does it help?”

  • sxychikadee says:

    Actually, the posts by Em & Sinclair, and their corresponding comments DO help me.

    While I identify as Queer instead of Lesbian, I face the in/visibility issue every.single.day.

    (To be clear, there are a limited number of straight cismen that I find attractive and would possibly date, but that is a rare thing.)

    Example 1. At work: I am the only female in an office of 13 men. They ALL assume I am straight. It shows in little things they do – but also when they make “that’s so gay” type jokes to each other in front of me. So I can either “out” myself, or listen to their offensive banter. Not really the greatest of choices. Outing myself would involve a long explanation of why I am not “straight, gay or bisexual” – one which I don’t particularly feel like sharing at work.

    Example 2: When going out. All those comments other people posted about being asked “what are YOU doing here” by lesbians happens to me at least 95% of times I go into one of the 4 “non-straight” bars in my area. It’s awful. So my choices are a) go to a straight club/bar and dismiss the attentions of straight men (which comes across as really snobby which I am SO not) or b) go to the non-straight club/bar and feel totally unwelcome.

    The lesson I have learned from the Internet and postings such as those is that it really is JUST FINE for me to continue to be myself – and that those rejections just mean those people are not for me. Sure, the rejection still stings and frustrates the hell out of me – but knowing I’m not the only person out there who feels like this really does help me stay true to who I am.

    Rambling to cease now. I hope I answered the question. 🙂

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