It happened like this.

October 2nd, 2011

I had more or less resigned myself to the idea that the hot nerd just wasn’t into me. That I’d fallen for a guy who showed no interest but plenty of mixed signals and that I was going to eventually have my heart broken. I decided to go with it because he’s the type of guy who is worth having a broken heart over and because, although it’s confusing and sometimes frustrating, I’ve never had the chance to be in a situation like this before. Not when I was a teenager. Not when I was married. For the first time in my life, I was feeling young and stumbling to learn the steps. I was reclaiming a lost youth.

And so I began to wistfully wish that the time we spent together meant more but resigned myself to being just friends. If you can even call it resignation because really, just being his friend is amazing. A game changer. And although I was happy to have that, I wanted more. The cuddles we shared as just friends were as excruciating as they were wonderful. As much as I fretted over them after, I looked forward to them before.

As I was looking forward to those cuddles today, for our planned movie day. It wasn’t intended to be a date, just informal but we knew there’d be cuddles. And there were. There was laughter and fun and it was platonic. It was even platonic until there were cuddles — at first. But then the movie ended and the cuddles got closer and more horizontal. Then the kisses started. Tiny kisses on the forehead, the nose, the cheek. These kisses were accompanied by nuzzles. It was silly and perhaps still within friend territory. Odd friend territory but still in there.

And then there was a tiny kiss on the lips. Closed mouth. Almost doubtful. What if he was aiming higher or lower and just missed? Then there were more tiny kisses on the lips. I would occasionally reciprocate or place a quick kiss on the side of the mouth. This went on for long enough that I as a little wild, a little doubtful that anything was going on at all.

But then it happened. A tiny kiss, a kiss back and then mouths were open and things go sloppy and tongues touched. It happened once. I was already analyzing the closed-mouth kisses but this was too much. The cuddles continued. The tiny kisses continued. And then there were more open-mouth kisses. They got longer, they felt more passionate. They were still sloppy. To be honest, we sucked.. but I wanted nothing more than to suck as kissing the boy I was kissing at the moment.

In my head, I kept thinking I didn’t want it to end and it did go on for a good while. Maybe a couple hours? I am a lucky girl. Then, I had to mention my back hurting and inquired if he wanted to move to the bedroom. Too soon, I think. He put his glasses back on and we began to wrap up our night together, after realizing what time it was.

We said good bye after a long hug and then I jumped to analyzing everything.

Obviously, I needed a long cuddle. I feel less anxious in general. I’m flattered that someone so good looking would cuddle me. It gives me a confidence boost. It makes me feel as though, even if he’s not the one, someone I find attractive will find me the same. I love that he feels comfortable and safe with me and while he moves slowly, and it drives me crazy it also drives me wild. Of course, the fact that he was so talkative this past week and bought presents is also a good sign.

But what if I’m reading it all wrong? What if he’s the type of person who can do this sort of stuff without attaching meaning to it? What if I’ve led him to believe that I am, too? What if he wakes up in the morning and regrets it? Then again, he could just be moving slow because of his inexperience. Perhaps he doesn’t know what he wants or he’s coming around slowly. If that’s the case, then would saying something scare him off?

Of course, I’m terrified to ask — again — and be rejected — again. I also don’t want that to lead to the end of cuddles and, now, kisses. And don’t I deserve to have this? Is it so awful if we are both using each other just a little bit? I don’t regret it afterward and I won’t. Can I just live with this confusion and potential hope until either it becomes something more or I find someone else? Are these just all the desperate justifications of a hopelessly lost girl?

Even if they are, can’t I just finally be young for a while?

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