5 Items That Are a Steal During Lovehoney’s Birthday Sale

April 16th, 2016

I couldn’t help but write this post letting my readers know about Lovehoney’s great birthday sale! You can save up to 50% off on items, both Lovehoney branded and from others. There’s a few things I’ve like to try and some things I already know I like.

Bettie Page Picture This Spanking Bat

Bettie Page Picture This Spanking Bat

 

1. Bettie Page Picture This Spanking Bat

The round version of the paddle I previously reviewed is less than $30! I’m considering it picking it up just because it’s so cheap!

2. Lovehoney Plus Size Captivate Me Wet Look & Lace Chemise

Most “wet look” lingerie is only available in straight sizes and looks pretty cheap, to be honest. Neither is the case with this piece, which also incorporates lace into the look. It love it! Just $30.

3. Embrace USB Rechargeable 7 Function Vibrating Cock Ring

A rechargeable, silicone cock ring that vibrates? Just $50, it’s a steal.

4. Lovehoney Spoil Me Satin Babydoll Set

Here’s another great lingerie piece! It’s just $30. If you don’t like the babydoll, there’s the Lovehoney Adore Me Lace & Microfibre Underwired Basque Set, which also has lazy touches.

5. OhMiBod Cuddle

Decent vibrations, silicone and a nice shape? I enjoyed the Cuddle — as did other reviewers. If you’re looking to advance from your starter vibe, the Cuddle is a great choice. Lovehoney’s anniversary sale ensures you won’t break the bank because it’s only $55!

There are more sex toys, bondage items and lingerie on sale at Lovehoney. Click below to shop!

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Don’t forget thaty you can enter to win a We-Vibe kit from Lovehoney right now!

Win The Newest We-Vibes Nova and Rave!

 

There are affiliate links in this post. If you make a purchase, I will earn a fee. Thank you for your continued support!

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Sex Store Profiles: Tacky Sex Toys

April 7th, 2016

This site no linger exist. Click here to read more.

Let’s start at, well, the beginning: the name. Tacky Sex Toys? I’m not sold on this. To me, something tacky is something bad. It’s either in poor taste or maybe it’s even a gag, a joke. A sex toy really shouldn’t be either of those things (though, I’ve certainly seen my fair share of bad designs!).

Screenshot 2016-04-08 01.47.16

Onto my first impressions. The basic design is, well, a little basic. It’s missing some of those details that really make a site stand out, the little things that really make it feel like a solid brand that’s unforgettable. Without a link to a blog or some guides to help the shopper, I have to wonder if consumers might go elsewhere to find that sort of information. Not every sex toy retailer needs a full-blown community surrounding it, but I’ve increasingly come to trust brands that are really transparent and personable. I suppose Tacky Sex Toys just feels a little sterile in that regard.

It’s strange because there’s a personal welcome message video at the bottom of the page. I like this idea, but the rest of the site doesn’t quite back it up. The video quality itself could be a bit better. There’s quite the echo.

But if the options are there and the price is right, I can overlook the previous things.

I tend to browse new and featured toys on sites. Tacky Sex Toys has categories for both; although, you can’t view new items by type (toys, lube, lingerie, etc). There currently is no option to change how many items show up on each page, either.

Like many retailers that offer lingerie, Tacky Sex Toy lists sizes and colors for pieces separately. I have personally never considered those items to be unique, and this means you might see four of the same item on a single category page because of how it’s done. I understand this is simply the easiest way to do it, but I don’t think it’s the best way. The number of pages and the products contained therein in just the “New” section is quite overwhelming. Tacky seems to err on the side of having every product rather than just the best.

There’s an important balance to be found, and I’m not quite sure Tacky Sex Toys has found the right balance. There are a few things that might potentially  be frustrating for shoppers. For example, there is only one product image for each product, and I’m not sure it’s always the best product image (take a look at the Layaspot product page to see what I mean).. Furthermore, you can’t enlarge it to see the details. for products with long names, the text cuts off on category pages. I’ve also noticed a few pages where the products didn’t quite line up right.

Tacky Sex Toys does something interesting with little icons on category pages and the index. Hovering on them shows what’s new, hot or sold out. This is potentially useful, especially with the new items. But I do think that items that are currently unavailable should be removed from the front page as it just leads to frustration.

The same overlay option allows you to add items to your cart from the index or add them to compare, but the link to compare items is buried at the bottom of the page. It should definitely be more prominently displayed. I also don’t particularly find ‘Clit Cuddlers’ to be a helpful category that’s separate from palm sized massagers.

This isn’t to say that Tacky Sex Toys is terrible. It’s clean and neat. The navigation is pretty functional. It’s free of gendered language for the most part, too. There are not just a lot of toys, but they sell a number of high-quality toys, affordable toys and those from brands I trust. Some of this can just get a little lost with the current way the site is set up and when you’re wading through the sheer volume of toys.

Reducing clutter by listing like items and allowing the shopper to narrow down by color, size, so on and so forth would make it easier to find what you want  — and what you don’t know what you want! — easier and quickier, which is definitely going to appeal to shoppers.

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The Other Side

March 28th, 2016

It wasn’t fair. It just wasn’t fair. This was supposed to be her fairy tale, not the dream-come-true of a snot-nosed brat.

How would you like to finally meet the man of your dreams, only to realize that he was a king? He marries you and sweeps you off to his castle, and you’re excited that you’re finally able to live happily ever after. You even try to befriend his daughter, whose mother died long before the girl can even remember. You know you can’t replace her mother, but you try to love her anyway.

And she rejects you. You try and try again, but she continues to snub you. Eventually, you give up, retiring to dark corners of the castle when you can, feeling safe and loved only when your husband, the king, is by your side.

But then the unthinkable happens. Your husband, the king, dies. It is sudden and it is a shock, and you experience a feeling of loss so overwhelming that you’re not quite sure you can climb out of this black pit of despair. Somehow, someway, the princess claims the loss as her own. The country weeps for her. They shun you, even as you don the crown and all the responsibility that comes with it.

This is the story of that queen.

The king, when he was alive, doted on his daughter. She was forever his little girl, even though she had stopped being that little girl years prior. She had developed from a lanky, awkward child with eyes too big for her face into a raven-haired beauty with porcelain skin and lips the perfect shade of rose. They called her Snow White.

And every day the queen looked into her mirror, the stress hanging heavier on her shoulders and the lines on her face growing deeper. The widowed queen was heartbroken and saw no way out of her situation

But she saw everything that went on in the palace. At first, it started with Snow’s canoodling with kitchen boys in the corners. It was innocent — for a while. As Snow grew, her desires and curves followed, and the eyes of every male in the castle did, too.

It wasn’t long before the princess moved on to never-ending kisses, leaving serving boys with their eyes glazed over and cocks hard. Any teenaged boy who managed to find his way into the palace would stand in line just for the chance to slip his clammy hand into the princess’s bodice. And she knew it.

Snow quickly learned to use her sway over men to her advantage. A coy smile and a wave of her hand would have them falling over each other to do her bidding.  But this wasn’t why Snow did it. It wasn’t about the favors.

She liked the attention. She liked batting her eyelashes and smiling at serving staff so that spoons and platters crashed to the floor as they temporarily forgot how to do anything but stare. The princess liked playfully pushing hands away from her body in mock resistance; she liked it even better when the hands pushed back — forcefully.

She liked the awkward groping beneath her petticoats and pawing at her corset, the kisses down her throat, grasping and pulling of her hair, the rush of blood between her legs and the way her breathing quickened. And when they finally managed to find the right spots with their fingers, their tongues, their cocks? She was in heaven. She loved it all.

She was fantastic at encouraging the attention, too. A slight brush of her hand across a boy’s arm, a not-so-covert wink and a shuffle to an empty room or a hallway was all that Snow needed to do, and a boy would follow in tow.  The princess continued the flirtatious dance for years, luring defenseless boys to her side with her feminine wiles.

Those boys turned into teenagers, and those teenagers turned into men. At nineteen, Snow White  had moved on from servant boys, who always seemed to stay the same age. She turned her eye to the young men delivering goods to the castle, the local woodsman and politicians who would attend galas at the castle. It didn’t matter their color hair or facial features. If he arrived on the arm of a gorgeous young woman, Snow could find a way to steal him away from the ball if she wanted, and he would soon be between her legs.

Snow Would leave them in a sweaty heap, not caring that their cum was dripping down her creamy thighs as she slunk back to her chambers. The queen had discovered Snow’s disheveled, half-dressed paramours more than once as they guiltily returned to their  duties or their wives, stupid grins glued to their faces. They would shrivel as the queen walked past, but they wouldn’t be able to stop smiling.

It was a miracle that the palace wasn’t in shambles. The princess must have wrapped her mouth around a hundred cocks, lifted her skirt to allow dozens of lustful men between her legs and yet, somehow, not a fight broke out in the castle’s halls. The queen just couldn’t understand it.

Nor could the queen compete. Whenever she would meet a possible suitor, he wound find himself tumbling around with Snow. It was almost as if the princess had planned it. She would give the queen an evil eye as she bit down on a crisp apple, the sound of it ringing through the breakfast hall as the queen simply tried to enjoy her morning meal in peace. She was sure that Snow White was hellbent on ruining the queen’s life. Some night, in the dark of her chambers, the queen would cry silently, wishing she had never met her beloved king to begin with.

Of course, she never meant it, but her despair had grown to such proportions that the queen slowly found herself not caring at all. She went from hopeful to ambivalent, from ambivalent to cold. As she swept through the castle, a chill followed behind her. She barred her heart within a frigid sheath, and even the warmth between her legs seemed to cool.

Snow, with her charm and guile that only the queen could sense, remained everyone’s favorite orphan while the queen’s reputation tarnished. Had she any benevolence to extend to her subjects, she forgot to do so in her despondent state. Those who worked more closely with her in the palace grew impatient with her depression and heartbreak. The queen responded in kind.

This is how she became the queen that all the stories talk about, and this is her story.

But like any story, the end can only be seen in hindsight. The queen expected a happy ending when she married the king, but her story wasn’t going to wrap up so nicely.

Somewhere in the middle, the queen found herself a hostage in her own castle and the kingdom she didn’t care to rule. She heard her stepdaughter’s joyous laughter in the hall and cringed as if only one of them had lost someone they loved. At night — and sometimes during the light of day — the queen could detect deep grunts and high-pitched moans echoing through the halls. She had to escape.

So she began walking the kingdom. It didn’t take much to escape the palace. As it turns out, people weren’t looking for her. She would meander among the markets, secure in her anonymity. But she preferred to roam in the forests, content to be one with nature.

It was here that the queen would watch the forest animals — deer, squirrels, and rabbits on the forest floor and birds perched in branches — go about their daily lives. There was no hatred or contempt. Animals didn’t play games. The queen thought them to be more human than most of the people she knew.

The queen would wander for hours, and it was during one of these strolls that she discovered a large outcropping of stones that looked like a throne. Perched on the rocks, the queen could look at the forest and fields stretched out before her. In the distance, she could just make out small carts hauling between the country and the castle. From her perch, she could usually detect a gentle breeze and the smell of flowers wafting through the air. With the sun beating down on her skin, she almost felt herself again.

From her perch, she could usually detect a gentle breeze and the smell of flowers wafting through the air. With the sun beating down on her skin, she almost felt herself again. She would visit her stone throne almost every day. While she had first laughed bitterly at the idea that the only throne where she felt comfortable was made of rock, she would soon come to feel comfort when visiting her special place.

One particularly hopeful day, she laid sprawled atop her throne and the light wind brushed the revealed skin of her chest. Something struck a chord deep inside, and she felt a desire to warm her heart. Hesitantly, she loosened the laces of her bodice so that her breasts could spill out ever-so-slightly. The sun beamed down on the exposed skin between her breasts, and her heart felt a warmth she almost forgot she was capable of experiencing.

The queen breathed breaths that were full and cathartic for the first time in months. She exhaled slowly, feeling every bit of breath leave her pursed lips. Although that should have been the only sound she could hear, a rustling of leaves startled her. The queen bolted upright and glanced around wide-eyed, her breasts spilling out from their confines. She didn’t notice as she locked eyes with a man who had been the source of the noise.He was tanned from the sun, his skin more leathery than any man who lived in the palace. His dark hair was cut to frame his face but fell disheveled that day/

He was tanned from the sun, his skin more leathery than any man who lived in the palace. His dark hair was cut to frame his face but fell disheveled that day. Still, it couldn’t hide his angular cheekbones or friendly eyes, eyes that barely seemed to stray from her gaze, even though her breasts were hanging out. This rugged man was decked in typical huntsman garb, soft leather adorning his upper body, hands and feet.

But what was most apparent was the raging hard-on he sported, apparently from stumbling across the queen.

“I’m sorry,” he started, as surprised as she was that the forest would contain another human.

If you guessed that the queen was completely stunned, at a loss for words and also strangely aroused, you would be right. Out there, on her throne on the woods, the queen was the object of a man’s lust for the first time in years. And she loved it. Any other thought slipped out of her mind.

“It’s okay,” she tried to reassure the huntsman who was blushing a deep crimson. “I didn’t realize anyone else would be out here. It’s just so nice.” The queen trailed off.

“Yes, it is quite lovely.” He seemed to be agreeing, but his eyes strayed downward to focus on her breasts. It was a bold move, indeed. In the castle, it would have gotten him carted off to the dungeon, but in the woods? It was a different matter entirely.

The queen smiled, not a coy smile like the princess would have offered but a smile that was self-possessed, confident even. The huntsman must have felt particularly arrogant himself because he moved closer to the queen, not giving any indication that he was aware of her status, and fell to her knees. Removing the leather gloves from his hands, he reached out to touch her breasts. His hands were calloused, but his touch was gentle and deliberate.

He kneaded her flesh, leaving temporary marks on her skin. The huntsman carefully loosened the queen’s bodice even more, revealing her full breasts. Leaning forward, he eagerly sucked each of her nipples into his mouth as though he was thirsty for her body. The queen hadn’t felt this wanted since before her husband had passed, and she surprised both of them with the intensity of her moans.

The huntsman seemed intent on pleasuring the woman, who was described as a matronly crone by those who compared her with the princess. But here it was just the two of them, and he certainly saw her as a vibrant woman worth pleasing. As she leaned back on her rocky throne, the huntsman worshiped her body, adorning her with attention and kisses. He wasn’t content to stay above the

He wasn’t content to stay above the belt however, and he lifted the layers of her skirts. The queen thought it was abrupt for him to move to penetration so quickly, and she felt a pang of apprehension at the thought. She had been madly in love with the last man who had been between her legs, and while she wasn’t necessarily a prude, it seemed like the huntsman was too goal oriented.

Her fears were allayed, however, when he ducked his head beneath those layers, instead. His hands might have been rough, but his mouth was soft and warm, and it seemed to melt the chill she had felt inside for so long. He lavished her clit and lapped at her opening just further south. He quickly found a rhythm that the queen couldn’t resist, and she rocked her hips to the same tune.

As she leaned back on her arms, her head tipped back and her golden-brown hair fell backward. Rays of sun caught the tresses, which she had decided against putting up shortly into her depression. Inside the castle, it was nearly scandalous, but on the sun-warmed rocks with the huntsman between her legs, she seemed wild and free.The huntsman continued with his licking,

The huntsman continued with his licking, swirling his tongue around her clit and using the flat for wide strokes that made her shudder. For the first time in what felt like forever, the queen felt her orgasm building. She had forgotten how powerful her body was, what it could feel like when she loosened that power. She did so then, her orgasm a disruptive crash in the peaceful woods. Her thighs squeezed against the huntsman’s head as she came.

And then the tears came. You wouldn’t think of crying as sexy, but her orgasm was the catharsis she needed to finally allow herself to feel. All those months and days she had kept it all inside, and now everything was rushing forward. The queen’s orgasm ushered a torrent of tears and emotion that she couldn’t seem to stop.

The huntsman was alarmed as he extricated himself from her skirts, but he gently asked if she was okay.

“No, it’s fine.” She queen replied in a shaky voice. “Please, don’t stop?” The monarch rarely asked anything of any person these days, but vulnerability was all she had left. And the huntsman listened.

He loosened his own trousers, and they dropped to the ground. His hardened cock was now in view, and the queen could tell it was a beautiful specimen even through the curtain of tears. Again, he was on his knees, pushing his way between her skirts. The queen lay back awkwardly, and he removed his jacket to place it behind her back before he thrust into her. The queen allowed herself to lie back as this stranger penetrated her, a sigh escaping her lips as she had done before she even knew of his existence.

As he fucked her, he was thoughtful and precise. He was skilled and likely experienced, and he was giving her pleasure that she needed. His own heavy breathing and grunts indicated that perhaps he was in need of the very same treatment, and he quickened his pace as he neared orgasm.

But the queen was finally becoming herself again, and her place was not beneath this huntsman, a stranger whose name she didn’t know. Instead, she pushed him from her thighs and instructed him to lie down. She carefully straddled his bare legs, lowering herself onto the cock that arced toward the sky. The huntsman laid his gloves and jacket beneath her knees to prevent them from scraping against the rock beneath them, and the queen ground her hips downward with renewed passion.

Again, she could gaze out from her position on the throne, but it wasn’t calming this time. Her pulse quickened as she rode the man beneath her, breath coming heavier. The queen wasn’t typically so forward about seeking her own orgasm, but she worked toward it like she might die if she didn’t experience another release.

The queen’s orgasm was short-lived, almost violent, but it was an orgasm nonetheless. Her muscular contractions around the huntsman brought him to his own release, and she could feel the spasms and he came deep inside her.

Finally spent, the queen collapsed down upon the huntsman. It was all she could do to catch her breath. But she knew, and she was certain that he did, too, the time couldn’t last forever. Sooner than she would have liked, the queen sat up and began tightening the laces of her bodice, once against constricting her body and breathing.

The huntsman finally spoke. “That was wonderful, my queen. Quite lovely.” The queen was taken aback by his recognition, but it didn’t matter, now did it?

Though the queen and the huntsman would continue to have their rendezvous, a few in the woods, some in his cabin and some carefully-planned meetings in her own palace, happiness seemed to be something that would be doomed to slip from the queen’s grasp. It just wasn’t fair.

After one particularly fun romp, the pair lay awake in the queen’s plush bed. She had learned to let go of the guilt of fucking another man in her marital bed. After all, her husband was dead. More than that, however, the queen was sure her late husband would want her to find happiness even if she didn’t dare think she deserved it.

Their pillow talk turned to the situation in the palace, as it often did. Slowly but surely, the huntsman had stripped the queen of her layers until he knew her entire sob story. Perhaps it was because he had never spent any time in the castle or even because he wasn’t one of her many staff members, but he expressed sadness and respect of the queen’s difficulties. He softly caressed her ivory thigh with his sunkissed fingertips before breaking the comfortable silence.

“I don’t understand why you stay, my lady. You could go anywhere you wanted. You don’t seem attached to your home or the people who live her. Those same people would just as soon see Snow become queen. You’re not from her to begin with.”

The queen couldn’t argue, truthfully. She had just never considered leaving. She laughed off the idea that day, but it stayed with her for weeks.

Wouldn’t you know, he was right?

One evening, after a naked romp in nature and a luxurious walk in the woods — their meetings were becoming more like romantic dates by the day — the queen finally blurted her feelings to her beau.

“I think you’re right. I can leave. And maybe I should. But where would I go?”

Her question ignited a conversation among them, one that started hesitantly but soon became excited and hopeful, as they planned a future together.

The two plotted their escape. The queen knew the search for her would be brief if at all, should she disappear. The huntsman had even less obligation to the kingdom, and he had the skills they would need to start a home and a life of their own. The queen had never been particularly fond of being waited on and was even excited to learn skills she would need — as his wife.

They ended their discussion and walk at the door of the huntsman’s simple cabin, but they stayed together far through the night, making feverish love for the last time in his home. The queen spread her legs for him as she lay on her back on the rug in front of the fire. The flames created shapes on the ceiling above him and warmed her skin as she stared into the fire on all fours. The huntsman roughly gripped her fleshy hips as he came in this position, and the pair collapsed together before he would walk her back to the palace.

The next week passed in a blur as the queen picked out the items she would need. So many of her belongings were fit for a queen, but she realized that the position was never really right for her, especially since the death of her beloved king. As she packed the most practical of her clothing and shoes and a few beloved trinkets, the queen realized she valued little more than the company of the huntsman.

She had fallen in love, and her life was falling back into place.

You might think that the queen’s story could end here, another chance at a happy ending, but you’d be wrong.

The queen and huntsman met on what was intended to be her last day in the castle. They kissed and laughed and tumbled into her bed for one last session under the plush covers. Would she miss them? Perhaps, but she was more excited for the future.

The gleam in the huntsman’s eyes indicated that he felt the same, and he hugged her close before his departure. He smuggled her small packs out of the palace, promising to meet the queen at the rock outcropping where they had first met.

Time seemed to crawl by, but the queen was intent on filling it. She thought she might say goodbye to her friends in the palace, but as she made her way through the rooms, the faces that greeted her belonged to strangers. Perhaps they had been warm once, but they were barely cordial as the queen moved from room to room. Upon realizing this, the queen considered whether she might say goodbye to the princess. The two barely spoke to begin with, but the pair had rarely seen one another since the queen became so focused, first on the huntsman and then on making her escape.

Finally, it was time for the queen to begin her stroll through the forest. No one thought anything of it as she donned her cloak and slipped out through one of the lesser-used doors. They were used to the queen leaving and, perhaps, preferred it that way.

The familiar walk through the forest path was less calm and more exciting than usual, and the queen had to fight a skip in her step. While there were few people around, she was still the queen, after all.

As she approached the curve in the path that would lead directly to nature’s throne, she thought she heard the huntsman’s voice. She slowed her pace, careful not to give away her location. Perhaps he had run into someone who would question a secret meeting in the woods between the two.

But as the throne came into view, so did the huntsman. And so did the visage of the princess, her bare skin nearly reflecting the sunlight as her body bounced haphazardly on top of the huntsman’s. Her frame looked tiny in comparison to his. It was almost comical, this nearly-girl atop a middle-aged man.

Yet it wasn’t funny at all to the queen, the broken woman who had fallen in love with this man. She was equal parts angry and confused as she stormed toward the couple. Her eyes shined with emotion as she approached the pair, unfortunately, at the exact time when the huntsman was releasing his seed into her stepdaughter’s cunt. The picture came into painful focus for the queen, and the rest of the world seemed to fade around them.

The queen made eye contact with him first. He looked startled and ashamed, much like he had at her first meeting. But it was his shame that was predominant as he stammered, trying to say something, anything, to the queen.

Snow, on the other hand, was her typical self: cute bordering on oblivious to the world around her. But her eyes betrayed her. There the queen could see deception and the princess’s plot come to fruition. She locked eyed with the queen, her cruelty so obvious that the queen could no longer deny the truth. Snow White had always been in control. It had always been her intent to make the queen’s life a living hell. She had succeeded with such subtlety that even the queen herself had been blind to the fact let alone everyone else.

You might say it was this very moment when the queen became evil, but it was what happened next that would truly harden her heart so impenetrably that she would only be remembered for her actions after the fact.

“Mother dearest,” spoke up Snow as she rose from the huntsman’s body. “You’ve caught me at such an inopportune time, my thighs wrapped around this huntsman, a nobody who is certainly below my station and old enough to be my father. How a woman like me could find herself in such a position,” the princess nearly giggled at this, “I don’t know. I’m sure you understand what I mean, stepmother.”

It was Snow’s words, unkind and chosen so carefully, that finally sent the queen over the edge. But the queen realized that she could never let this monster know that. Instead, she drew all of her resolve, lifted her royal skirt and turned around to return to the castle.

It wasn’t fair. It never was, but the queen would stop caring around what was fair after that.

The huntsman scrambled after her, but his state of undress and the queen’s hurried steps allowed her to return to the castle well before he could. Rather than hide away in her room like she had for months before, the queen returned to her throne room.

So the princess and the peasants thought she didn’t belong there? She would show them!

The queen sat regally upon her throne, the crown she had been willing to part with forever just a few hours prior upon her head. It was this visage that the huntsman was presented with when he entered the throne room. He had never seen her like this before, their class differences so obvious. With an icy command, the queen cleared the room of all personnel. As the huntsman made his way down the carpet that ended just in front of her throne, there was nothing but stillness in the room. When the doors finally closed after the last person left, the sounded echoed through the chamber.

Oh, the huntsman would bed and plead. His apologies and there were many of them, fell on ears that were suddenly deaf to his pleas. She would hear none of it, but when he was finally silent and on his knees in front of her, much like he had been during their first meeting, she would finally speak.

“Huntsman, you are a member of the kingdom, the kingdom that I rule. As your queen, you are to obey me. Do you know what would please me?”

The huntsman was eager to gain her favor again. Had anyone else been privy to the seen, they would remark that the huntsman was certainly sincere in his regret and absolutely in love with the queen. The right person might even have realized that the queen’s actions, cold as they seemed, were only because she had once been in love with the man. But no one was there. No one heard the huntsman ask without any pride how he might please the queen.

And no one was there to hear the queen command the huntsman to kill Snow White, her manipulative yet beautiful stepdaughter, the princess who was adored by her kingdom.

No one but the queen saw how crestfallen the huntsman became at this suggestion, and the queen certainly didn’t care. He hadn’t cared when he had ripped her heart from her chest. It only seemed poetic that the huntsman bring the queen Snow’s very own heart, a heart that had never loved and broken as intensely as the queen’s own heart.

There were no witnesses to this exchange. The huntsman only nodded silently in agreement, knowing that he not only deserved the punishment but also that it was no redemption. It was too late for that.

Yet, somehow, everyone knows the story as it continues. They know that the huntsman couldn’t bring himself to do this. They know that he brought the queen a pig’s heart, instead. They know that Snow White found refuge with seven small men in a cottage in the woods, a woods that the queen had once loved. They do not know, however, that these were lascivious and lecherous men whom Snow would allow to penetrate her every orifice at any time of day.

No one knows that this is where the story actually ends: with a young woman content to live out her days covered in semen from any number of man, an old queen whose heart had been hardened to coal and a huntsman so haunted by his actions that he would drink himself a slow death.

But now you know.

Like I said, it’s entirely unfair.

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Lelo Lily 2

February 27th, 2016

Lily 2
$139 from Lelo

The original Lily was one of the most disappointing vibrators I’ve ever tried to get off with. This is twofold. One, it was one of the first — if not the very first — expensive vibrator that I bought for myself (perhaps even a Christmas gift?) and it was something I’d lusted over for, perhaps, years.

When I got the thing, it was sleek. I was probably still impressed with Lelo’s packaging at the time, which has thankfully been updated to something less bulky and more eco-friendly, but I still didn’t keep it. The problems with Lily were obvious from the start. The two buttons are placed on the underside of the toy, the side that will rest against your mons during masturbation and sex. And the vibrators? I’d be better off humping a wall while my asshole neighbors throw a party.

Lelo decided to fix exactly one of those problems — the vibrations — by using a better motor this go around. And it’s high time! It’s been something like 6 or 7 years since I first tried Lily. The new Lily feels at least twice as strong but, and perhaps more importantly, the vibrations feel deeper than I remember the original being.

They’ve done nothing for the horrendous placement of the buttons, however. The company has also added a unique feature that exactly zero people were clamoring for (and that pretty much everyone has laughed at): the Lily 2 is now scented.

But I’m curious or brave or simply amused, and I signed myself right up to review the Lily 2.

All things considered, it wasn’t nearly as disappointing at the original Lily. The vibrations on high are comparable to the highest setting or the first Siri; although, the vibrations start much weaker and are generally buzzier. I don’t love it as much as either of my Siris, which are solid little clitoral vibrators that show Lelo really can do something right, but the power boost means I can get off with Lily 2… as long as I turn it up high and leave it in place because those damned buttons are really in the worst possible place. Guys, everyone gives Jimmyjane crap for the form 6 but this is so.much.worse.

But the vibrations — all 8 settings are steady vibration — are decent if a bit boring. I’ve never been on to enjoy all those extra settings, though, so this isn’t a dealbreaker for me, personally. I was able to get off while applying a fair amount of pressure. The flatness of the Lily 2 isn’t exactly ideal for honing in on that spot between labia like some other toys, including Siri and Eva, which I will be writing a review for here soon.

As far as the one feature that Lelo has been touting.. I don’t hate it, honestly. I carefully chose the dark plum colored Lily 2, which is Chocolat & Bordeau scented.  I don’t like the smell of wine or how chocolate scented things usually smell, but I more passionately dislike floral scents, so this seemed the best option. I’m not sure that it smells exactly like the name suggests, but it’s honestly not that bad. It’s quite faint, so you have to hold it to your nose to smell it. I don’t even smell it when using it, and that’s kind of the conundrum here. I’m not offended, but it literally adds nothing to the experience, unless maybe you’re using it on someone else and your face is close to the thing.

I think you can see why this marketing angle makes no sense. What Lelo should be playing up is the increased strength and the fact that Lily is now waterproof because people seem to care about that… for reasons that escape me. Especially considering how difficult it is for people to understand the concept of adding scent to a vibrator and whether that it good for us or not. Personally, I don’t feel like it’s a con, but it’s not exactly a pro, either.

Lily 2 far more of a success than its predecessor simply because of its improved vibrations, but for $20 more, you can get a fantastic experience from the Siri 2. Or you could opt for the unique features of Ora 1 & w, which aren’t up everyone’s alley. But at least the feature is noticeable even if you don’t like it? I don’t know. I did.

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Confession

February 20th, 2016

Listen. This sucks.

I really, really, really like you.

I like you so much that it scares me. It’s always scared me. I fell too hard and too soon. And that was okay as long as we both thought you were into it, too.

But, even then, I thought this was too good to be true. As much as I thought “finally, this is it!”, I was terrified that it wasn’t.

And going from talking half the day away to not speaking at all is hard, okay? Fucking hard. I simply miss your presence, our wordplay, the laughter you brought to my life. I miss it all.

It’s no mystery why I would fall for you.

Maybe the hardest part of it is how I am falling away from you. Just another person for me to get over.

And I’m getting far too good at that.

 

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On Life’s Unfairness

February 3rd, 2016

Time always slows down when I’m waiting for a tongue to make contact. It’s excruciating.

And then it does. And I melt. The tongue is an amazing muscle, so soft and warm and capable. Nothing comes close.

That’s really the only thing I miss when I’m not fucking someone. I can abuse my pussy with a toy until my hips hurt the next day, but a mouth!

The mouth doesn’t even matter when I’m about to cum because I’ll be pulling your hair and grinding my hips against you so hard that it doesn’t matter who or what is between my legs so long as something is. And I get off.

But the second best part is when you come up for air and I kiss you, and you smell and taste like me. Absolutely delicious. I think I was surprised when I realized just how much I love my taste, and I can;t get enough because I will never be able to do what you just did to me.

I think I was surprised when I realized just how much I love my taste, and I can;t get enough because I will never be able to do what you just did to me.

And it’s not fair that you get to fuck me and lick me and make me cum like that. I’d kill to be the person who gets to fuck me.

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Point of View

February 1st, 2016

Him

He rummages through a drawer, selects something with careful consideration. Stepping toward her, he reaches out, producing the item. It’s a gag he’s carefully chosen. Instead of the ball is a miniature silicone cock. She purchased this one specifically because it fit inside her small mouth better than most.

Her eyes light up and jaw slacks open. She doesn’t even realize it’s happening, he thinks to himself. Her mouth is practically agape as he traverses the distance between them — just a few steps really — a silent beg to be filled. His cock has been stirring since he first laid eyes on her tonight, and the lascivious response has him fully erect now.

Rather than strap the gag around her head, he reaches for his own belt, letting the gag drop to the floor. The black leather is supple and warm from his own body temperature as he releases the buckle. The button and zipper follow, all the while his eyes remain locked on hers. He hasn’t allowed her to break eye contact since they broke from their first kiss.

She’s reluctant to break that gaze as he moves his hand to the back of her head, gently pushing the young woman to her knees in front of him.

“If your mouth is so hungry for a cock, girl, then I’ve got something to gag you with,” he snarls. But his touch is gentle as he strokes her hair, nudging her beautiful mouth closer to his open fly. Carefully, she reaches into his boxers to release his cock. Now free of its constraints, his member points toward the sky, engorged and darkening as blood rushes to the spot.

He pushes his cock toward her mouth like he had planned with the gag. Her lips stretch open around him as she takes her cock into her mouth. Her mouth is warm and wet, and he sighs as she envelopes him.

Her

She’s been waiting all night to taste him. She hopes her impatience hasn’t been obvious. While he’s never been one for punishment, it doesn’t strike her as terribly ladylike to let it show.

She had to steady herself as he brought her to her knees. She wanted to fall straight down and rip his cock free from his boxers. But she knelt gracefully. She allowed him to set the pace. She languishes both in pleasure and pain as the seconds seemed to stretch forever.

She was rewarded for her restraint. She always is. And now his cock, in all its heat and rigidity, is sliding into her mouth. He’s larger, both in width and girth, than the gag he was holding before, and she focuses on relaxing her throat at the head of his cock moves toward the back of her mouth. Her breaths are measured and careful through her nose, and she squeezes her eyes shut and she begins to work his cock.

She can feel his eyes on her, on the top of the head and traveling down her back toward her ass, which is resting on her ankles. She could feel his gaze on her all night, from the first time she stepped into the room. It never made her feel self-conscious, however. She felt his lust but also his adoration and approval. It made submitting to his every whim thrilling, despite her typical resistance to taking commands.

And as she slides her tongue along his shaft and around the head of his cock, seals her lips around his skin and suckles gently, there isn’t a single part of her that resists. She’s so content to kneel in front of him, to service his cock, that time seems to melt away around her.

Him

He feels the tension rising in his body as he gets closer to orgasm. It happens exactly as expected from her mouth expertly working his member. Almost like clockwork, his testicles tight and taut, move closer to his body. He strokes her hair, the side of her cheek. He can feel his cock through the side of her face. His fingers break contact, and he reaches for her chin, carefully lifting and pushing her back.

As his cock leaves her mouth, trails of her saliva hang in the air. He feels suddenly cold, his dick devoid of her warmth. But he’ll soon rectify that.

As he pulls her to her feet, she again makes eye contact. There’s an eager twinkle that he finds both charming and arousing at once. He places his hands on her shoulders and turns her body away from him. His eyes pass over the swell of her ass, highlighted by the classic black dress she’s wearing. He leans forward to unzip the silver zipper, revealing her pale flesh beneath.

He slides a hand beneath the fabric at either shoulder to push the dress down her shoulders, and he can feel her shiver against his touch. He wonders what the expression on her face looks like and if her eyes are open. Without visual confirmation, he can only guess.

The dress falls to the floor, exposing her lingerie-clad body. A red bra wraps around her back, the lacy band adding texture against her smooth skin. Per his instructions, she’s wearing a classic black garter belt to hold up her thigh-high stockings. Three stripes of material wrap around the middle of her thighs, but the rest of her body is bare.

He drops his gaze from her back to the curve of her butt. Instinctively, he reaches out with a hand and smacks the bare skin at the fleshiest part of her ass. She yelps, at first moving away from him. But then she backs toward him, bending slightly at the waist, to give him better access. His little pain slut. She makes it too easy.

Her

She’s standing in front of him, slightly bent. Her ass feels warm and tingly from the unexpected smack. Her pussy feels even hotter, aching for more skin contact. It’s not enough for her to simply feel his gaze anymore. But she knows she must stay in the position he’s put her in.

It seems like an eternity that she’s standing there, with what feels like miles of space between them. She practically jumps out of her skin when he finally reaches out, tracing his fingers lightly down her spine. He slides them over the garter belt, and his hand cups her ass and pushes her forward.

When her knees touch the bed, she kneels on the mattress. His hand on her ass moves between her legs, fingers just pressing into her cunt. She feels him pull upward, raising her ass toward him. She leans her shoulders toward the bed with her back arched in the way she knows he likes.

She stays in this position while he rustles about in the toy box once more. She wonders what he might be looking for but doesn’t have to wait long before she sees him approach from the side and grab one of her wrists. Her arm is stretch outward and upward as he secures a cuff to the bed frame. He walks around the other side and repeats the motion with her other arm.

She can already feel the ache in her shoulder blades as her weight shifts and hangs in this position. She anxiously waits for him to finish his work as he moves behind her and pushes her thighs apart with his knees. Then, her ankles are being secured into cuffs attached to a spreader bar. She feels the cool breeze move against her ass and the exposed flesh of her pussy lips. But it’s the appreciate noise that he makes that makes her shiver.

Him

He seems her bound, open and ready for him. If possible, his cock seems to grow even harder. He hasn’t put a blindfold on her, but she’s facing away and can see what he’s doing. He’s sure she can hear his trousers hitting the ground. The belt buckle jingles as it lands in a pile around his ankles.

He steps forward and places a hand on each cheek in front of him. He squeezes and pushes them outward to reveal her puckered asshole. He’s made it a home for his cock many times in the past, and he certainly will again.

But it’s her pussy that he wants to drive his cock into again and again. The head of his cock nuzzles her lips, searching for the entrance to the place he’s so come to cherish. He guides his cock into her hole. It takes no effort for him to penetrate her with every in of his dick. She’s amazingly wet, obviously turned on beyond belief. He’s impressed with the amount of restraint she’s shown thus far.

He’s having a hard time showing as much restraint. She’s wrapped around him tightly, and he groans in response to the sensation. Her own feminine moans echo his as his thrusts begin to pick up speed. He positions her hips so that every stroke will graze her most sensitive spot, and he reaches around with one hand to rub her clitoris.

Her nub is already hard when his fingers press into her. Despite her restraints, he can feel her rocking her hips to grind his body against his hand. He presses his palm firmly against her as if to pin her body between hand and hips. in response, she pushes her hips even closer to his, slightly rotating as he thrusts. Their hips find a way to move in sync, his fingers complementing their rhythm.

He pays close attention to her sighs, her uninhibited moans and her ragged breaths. As if on cue, he rubs her hard, faster. He knows the signs of her impending orgasm, and he doesn’t let up as it approaches.

She forgets to move her hips as she comes, muscles contracting around his cock. He forgets composure as he bellows loudly, his cock pulsing and emptying into her pussy. It never fails to make him come, the way her muscles feel when she comes unbound.

He smiles and stops his thrusts, simply resting inside her. This, he thinks, is where he belongs.

She agrees.

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6 Guys I Don’t Want to Have Sex With

January 20th, 2016

1. The Guy With the Big Dick Who Thinks That’s All It Takes

Sure, there’s something awesome about a dick that’s just big enough to stimulate the G-spot, and I feel like a champ when i take an especially big dick. But having a big dick alone is not enough, folks. If you just stick to the in-and-out, it can be boring and painful and the big dick inside my vagina is unlike to do anything for my clit. I would much rather sleep with someone less endowed but more skilled. Sorry.

2. The Inexperienced Guy

I am sure there are plenty of people who have little to know experience who will eventually make wonderful lovers. I’m just not the person to teach them. I’ve no problem telling you what I like or don’t, but sometimes that’s easier to articulate than others. And sometimes it’s just nice to be in experienced hands and to let go of thinking and just be.

3. The Guy Who Won’t Go Down on Me

I can’t say that I need this every single time, but it’s gotta be something that happens at least 75% of the time I have sex with someone. It’s almost a guaranteed orgasm, and even if it weren’t, getting eaten out feels intimate and divine in a way that I am not willing to live without.

4. The Guy Who Never Listens to Me

My ex-husband was a terrible kisser, like, to the point that I feel bad for his new wife. He opened his mouth too far, didn’t move his lips and was incredibly sloppy. Kissing him often made my own mouth feel chapped or sore. I tried to bring it up, gently of course. Time and time again. He was acknowledge me, seemingly open to my suggestions. Nothing ever changed. The kiss thirty seconds after I requested something would be exactly the same.

I can’t do this, not ever again. It’s one thing if you’re a little self involved or aren’t as good at reading body language as some people. But when you actively want advice and then ignore it repeatedly, I am done.

5. The Guy Who Is Intimidated by My Toy Collection

There’s an interesting thing that happens when someone finds out I have toys and they like it: I am simultaneously aroused and a little frightened by the prospect of using them together. This is because the way I masturbate is so different than the way I have sex, and using toys together seems like a melding of the two.

But that anxiety is absolutely better than someone who won’t ever use toys with me or, even worse, someone who thinks I shouldn’t use them just because I am am actively having sex with other people. Nope nope nope.

6. The Guy Who Is Incredibly Vanilla

This was definitely a roadblock when it came to the last guy I had sex with. He was just boring in bed. To be fair, he was boring outside of bed. His routine was the same. Am I talking about his everyday life or sex? Does it matter.

There’s a thrill that comes from being slightly-less-than vanilla. Call it chemistry or sexual tension. No matter what you call it, though, sex isn’t really worth having without it. I know they say that sex is like pizza because “even if it’s bad, it’s still okay.” But I have to disagree. Pizza and sex aren’t worth having most of the time if they’re not at least good enough. I’ll stop halfway through and do something better with my time.

And maybe that’s why I’m the type of woman who many men would rather not have sex with. I’m okay with that.

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Ooh by Je Joue What Happens In Vegas Kit

December 31st, 2015

More often than not, when a company tries to do something new, I am not impressed. Especially when the resulting product is trying to do too many things at once. There’s a reason why rabbit vibes are either loved or hated: it’s really difficult to do multiple things right simultaneously.

I’ve also had a luke-warm relationship with JeJoue in the past. The only thing I’ve really liked from this company is Sasi, which is now discontinued, and mine never quite worked right, anyway.

So I cannot begin to express how excited I am that JeJoue has finally mastered the dual-purpose motor/vibrator attachment toys in a way that every.other.company has thus far managed to fuck up. You’re probably not surprised if you read this Facebook update.

I have never liked inserting the tiny bullets into Tantus dildos. I didn’t have any interest in the Rocks of bullet and compatible attachments. Fun Factory has a rechargeable bullet that I might like, but I’m hesitant to try. I turned up my nose at We-Vibe’s pleasure mates. So I’m not exactly sure what made me decide to ask for the Ooh by Je Joue What Happens In Vegas Kit from SheVibe, but I am glad.

Let me say, though, this naming sucks. It’s long and bulky and confusing. But that’s totally irrelevant in the grand scheme of things.

So this kit is two attachments — cock ring and insertable vibrator — along with a motor that can be used with either. It can also be used with a clitoral attachment called the Pebble, which even comes in bright yellow! You don’t get to choose colors in the kits, though, but you do get to choose which toys you’d like. There’s a kit with the internal and clitoral vibrator attachments, or you can get the cock ring and the clitoral attachment in a kit together. Each of the attachments can be purchased separately from SheVibe, but you’ll need a kit to get the first motor.

Ooh by Je Joue What Happens In Vegas Kit motor

Tiny motor!

The tiny motor — and you wouldn’t believe how small it is — easily clicks into place into each of the attachments. It can go in either way; there is a button on either side that corresponds to an indent in the silicone that you press to operate it. The button is the only thing I don’t really love. It’s indented, which makes it hard to get at with fingernails. This won’t be an issue for anyone, but a convex button would be the better option.

It’s easy to use the toys, and the vibration settings are pretty standard: high, medium and low steady vibrations; a pitter-patter pulsation that is super interesting and a regular pulsation. Could it be, for the first time in history, that Adriana likes a setting that’s not steady vibration? Maybe! You simply click the button to move between the settings or hold it for a few seconds to power on and off.

When it’s time to swap the attachments, there are handy arrows etched into the silicone. When you squeeze here, the motor is ejected easily. It’s super clever and works so well. I tend to bend and pull vibrators toward me during using, and the classic vibrator in this kit took it like a champ, and the motor remained securely in place.

Inside the attachments and arrow for ejecting the motor.

Inside the attachments and arrow for ejecting the motor.

I haven’t had a chance to use the cock ring with a partner, but it’s incredibly stretchy. Because there’s no rigid casing, the vibrations travel a bit better through the material. But the motor is heavier than other vibrators, and I feel as though this could potentially get a little uncomfortable. But if you keep the motor side up, it can stimulate your clitoris while the ring is wrapped around your partner’s penis.

Because the charging port is actually inside the toys when you use them, it’s fully encases in silicone and waterproof. There’s a little flap over the charging port. And you guys won’t believe this: it charges through standard Micro-USB! This is the same charger as your Android devices use. Words cannot describe how excited I am over this.

What really has me thrilled is how this tiny motor manages to vibrate so deeply. If Je Joue can do it, why can’t other companies? Why do so many clitoral vibrators suck? Why has it taken sex toy companies so long to please me in such a way? Why, God, why?

Melodrama aside, this is a fantastic toy. The classic vibrator attachment isn’t huge, but it flares out and there’s a rigidity that makes it work quite well for G-spotting, even though it’s not all that curved. Je Joue will soon be offering a G-spot vibrator attachment specifically, a “Flexi G-spot” vibrator, which bends — probably similar to Je Joue’s Uma — and a few plug options.

The more I discover about these kits, the more I like it. There’s quite a few other shapes that will soon be available. There will also be a mini motor. It’s hard to imagine a motor that’s any smaller than the one that came in my kit, which is technically a large, but this will work with a smaller cock ring and a mini Pebble attachment. I suspect this motor would be less powerful and more buzzy, and I’m quite happy with the size of the motor that came in the What Happens in Vegas Kit.

There’s a bit more to know about these kits and the options available to you before you make a purchase. But I suspect Je Joue will be making many consumers happy with the ability to mix and max shapes and motors to create your perfect sex toy collection.

SheVibe

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DOMINIX Deluxe Leather Wrist to Thigh Restraint

December 29th, 2015

There are certain things that have the right smell, taste or touch that instantly make  you feel sexy. I would argue that the DOMINIX Deluxe Leather Wrist to Thigh Restraint aris e one of those things. From the instant I smelled the leather to the first touch, both of the unfinished suede and the finished leather side, I was hooked. This is the type of item that you lust over, the type of thing you write into your fantasies — or even the one thing that gets you back into the habit of fantasizing.

With as many toys, ties and treats as I’ve tried, it’s hard for anything to do that to me (for me? anymore, but the DOMINIX Deluxe Leather Wrist to Thigh Restraint does.

So what exactly has me so gaga?

They feel high-quality. It’s the leather. It’s the firm stitching. It’s how I can pull on them with arms, spreading my thighs further, without any worry of them giving way. It’s the buckles, shining and secure around my wrists and my thighs. It’s the type of thing that makes you say “$47 is not only affordable but even a steal for these goodies!”. And I would say that. I’m saying it to you now.

It’s the leather. I love leather. I’ve tried vegan leather. I’ve had rope, fur, metal and foam cuffed around me. But there’s nothing quite like leather, with its intoxicating smell. The textured treatment of the exterior of these cuffs is interesting to touch and feel. The soft insides rest against my flesh, holding me enthralled, and the bordered hems give it a completed feel.

It’s the simplicity of binding thighs to wrists. The more you struggle from your upper body, the further open your legs spread. More often than not, I want to pull them closed as I cum, but these cuffs won’t let me. It’s my body being a an instrument of my own torture, if even torture it can be called.

But enough with the waxing poetic. You know that I love the DOMINIX Deluxe Leather Wrist to Thigh Restraint. Will you?

They aren’t quite perfect, either. Because the buckle secures on another layer, you have to be careful if you want them to make a complete circle around a wrist and nestle the layers in securely. Think of how you make the two layers of your belt lie flat. If your wrists are especially small, the buckle will always join the two sides of the cuffs at an angle. This doesn’t affect performance. It’s just not aesthetically appealing to me.

Furthermore, these cuffs are best for straight sized people. I have 8-inch wrists — larger than your average bracelet but smaller than many men’s wrists. You can only secure wrists up to 10.5 inches in diameter with these cuffs. It seems a little small to me, but leather comes at a premium price, so I understand why the company would err on the side of smaller.

The thigh cuffs are both wider (2″ compared to 1.5″ for the wrist cuffs) and longer for obvious reasons. The cuffs range from 19 inches to 28 inches, depending upon which hole you use. You could potentially move them further down your thighs, toward your knee, if they’re too small for the fleshier part. However, I do like how they look further up the thigh! I have both muscle and fat in my thighs that makes them fairly wide, and I can wear the cuffs at the fleshiest point with them buckled at the third hole in, but there’s not a lot of give, there. If you’re plus sized, you might consider another option for thigh bondage.

DOMINIX Deluxe Leather Wrist to Thigh Restraint

DOMINIX Deluxe Leather Wrist to Thigh Restraint

You’ll probably want to secure the thigh cuffs toward the inside or underside of your thighs, so the wrist cuffs will face up or out. I find it’s easiest to secure them first around thighs, then to add your wrists into the mix. I can easily do one thigh and wrist by myself, but it’ll require a second person to secure the other side. once they are secure, they won’t come loose; although, there’s no way to put a padlock on them. They’re not that hardcore.

Because of the design, you’re going to have extra material dangling if you wanted to use these just as thigh or wrist cuffs — they don’t separate. Nor is there a loop or hook so you could attach them to other bondage gear. But they’ll work well for someone who is kneeling, lying on a bed, sitting on a chair so on and so forth.

Like under the bed restraints, the DOMINIX Deluxe Leather Wrist to Thigh Restraints use the bound person’s strength and body against them, which makes them more enticing than I originally expected. And at under $50, they’re really something you ought to try!

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