A Toy A Day #3: Lelo Mia

September 7th, 2016

I recently took a look at my nightstand and realized that there were dozens of toys that I neglect. Not only should I use them more, but I should use them at all. Even my favorites have been collecting dust as of late. More often than not, I use toys only to review them and stick to manual stimulation when I want to get off because it’s quicker and more convenient.

There’s nothing wrong with this per se, but I do feel as though my sexuality isn’t completely integrated with the rest of my life lately. And it’s not just because I am perpetually single.

Regardless, I can change the situation with my sex toys. So as summer winds down, batteries will be recharged, and I will work my way through the draw. I expect to remember how much I loved some toys, be disappointed with those that I have grown apart from and be surprised by toys that has finally won me over.

I plan to detail this attempt in a little project called A Toy A Day.


Lelo’s Mia was one of the first USB-rechargeable toys I tried, and it’s one of the few that plug directly into your USB port. In practice, I found this less useful than in theory; although, I now have enough adapters that I can just stick the toy in one of them to charge rather than my laptop. It seems like desktop users would find the design more practical.

Because there’s a cap that hides the USB dongle, the toy feels cheaper than most Lelo toys. I tend to almost bend certain clitoral toys, Mia included. I can feel the cap shifting in my grip. The cap seems like it’ll come off or even become malformed after some time.

While Mia is surprisingly powerful for its size, it’s nowhere as rumbly as We-Vibe Tango. Neither of the toys is as rounded as I’d like; although you can choose to use the rounded or more angled side of the Mia if you’re okay using the capped end.

I find myself enjoying it, but it quickly becomes buzzy and annoying because the shape it off. I can’t get the sort of pressure or stimulation that I enjoy, so I opt for something stronger and more appropriately shaped.

Mia is relatively quiet and would be good for some people for travel, but it’s not going to provide me with consistent orgasms.

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A Toy A Day #2: We-Vibe Tango

September 4th, 2016

I recently took a look at my nightstand and realized that there were dozens of toys that I neglect. Not only should I use them more, but I should use them at all. Even my favorites have been collecting dust as of late. More often than not, I use toys only to review them and stick to manual stimulation when I want to get off because it’s quicker and more convenient.

There’s nothing wrong with this per se, but I do feel as though my sexuality isn’t completely integrated with the rest of my life lately. And it’s not just because I am perpetually single.

Regardless, I can change the situation with my sex toys. So as summer winds down, batteries will be recharged, and I will work my way through the draw. I expect to remember how much I loved some toys, be disappointed with those that I have grown apart from and be surprised by toys that has finally won me over.

I plan to detail this attempt in a little project called A Toy A Day.


I guess I never got around to reviewing the We-Vibe Tango on my blog. I think it’s because so many people liked it. And I can generally see why. It came in a tiny package but had rumbly – albeit not super strong vibrations. Few companies were offering vibrators of this caliber and certainly not in this package.

I’ve never been a huge fan of lipstick vibrators, though I’ve tried this one and the Mia by Lelo. They work.. eventually. But getting off is a finicky process that requires a lot of involvement. I prefer rounded shapes, like the head of the Laya Spot or the Yooo or even my long-dead Tuyo. Pinpoint stimulation is neither a necessity nor a drawback, but you can’t exactly get that sort of stimulation from a round toy.

Anyway, I’ve had the same Tango for quite some time. I used it fairly frequently but it would often die in between charges, an issue others seem to have had, too. I wasn’t sure it would charge at all. Indeed, I had issues aligning the magnetic charger up just right. There’s a light that would often be off when I checked, so it’s hard to determine how long it actually charged.

I grabbed it for a test, anyway, and wound up shoving it down my underwear. It fit will and was easy to maneuver, but the shape wasn’t just right. I don’t think it got me off. I got close, but it died before I could get there despite the rumbly vibrations,

And I can’t even say if it’s because it’s old and the battery is dying. Or maybe it didn’t charge all the way. Or both. I do recall it dying frequently during use, so this might be just the sale old issue that I — and everyone else — has had since day one. I’ve just forgotten about it long enough to, well, forget about it.

As I finish up my uterine shed, I’ll be trying out more of the G-spot and internal vibes in this series. Keep your eye out!

 

 

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I Don’t Want to Be Friends

September 3rd, 2016

There have been a few people with whom I flirted or had sex. There was excitement in the beginning because I suspected there was something, but I realized it was going nowhere and called it off. I would tell them I just wanted to be friends. Or sometimes they would say the same to me. Either way, it was a lie.

What I meant was that it’s easier to let someone down when you say you wanna be friends. But in my heart, I know I was only making room for these people if there sexual or romantic potential. I don’t need another friend.

Before I might have thought that line of thinking crude, but now I know it to be true.

And when someone says they want to be friends with someone who is rejecting them, they more often than not mean that they hope things will change if they stick around. I know that, too. I’ve been that person.

But there’s more. Saying you want to be friends makes it less awkward, even when breaking up from a long term relationship. Otherwise, it just feels like you’re just ignoring or denying the fact that someone’s existence has suddenly been revealed to you, perhaps along with their hopes, dreams and other intimate details. What do you do with that knowledge when it’s time to part ways?

At least if you’re friends, you don’t have a vault full of knowledge about a stranger. It doesn’t feel quite so wrong or dirty or whatever-it-is-that-rubs-me-so-wrong to know all those things. But sometimes we may need to forget those things about a person, and that means we can’t be friends.

Which is okay. I didn’t want to, anyway.

 

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A Toy A Day #1: Laya Spot

September 2nd, 2016

I recently took a look at my nightstand and realized that there were dozens of toys that I neglect. Not only should I use them more, but I should use them at all. Even my favorites have been collecting dust as of late. More often than not, I use toys only to review them and stick to manual stimulation when I want to get off because it’s quicker and more convenient.

There’s nothing wrong with this per se, but I do feel as though my sexuality isn’t completely integrated with the rest of my life lately. And it’s not just because I am perpetually single.

Regardless, I can change the situation with my sex toys. So as summer winds down, batteries will be recharged, and I will work my way through the draw. I expect to remember how much I loved some toys, be disappointed with those that I have grown apart from and be surprised by toys that has finally won me over.

I plan to detail this attempt in a little project called A Toy A Day.


Layaspot, Desire clitoral vibe and Siri 2

Layaspot, Desire clitoral vibe and Siri 2

There have been a number of toys that I liked or even loved while my fellow bloggers were lukewarm or even less satisfied with them. Fun Factory’s Laya Spot was perhaps the fist. I enjoyed it so much that I powered past a disgusting BO-like smell right out of the packaging. And when my first one died after years of steady use, I replaced it.

Some months ago, the batteries in my Laya Spot died. It’s one of the few toys that I keep around that doesn’t have an internal battery and one of select few that runs on AAA batteries. Laya Spot’s strengths were never the vibrations. They’re lackluster and toward the buzzy end of the spectrum, which I don’t necessarily love.

No, it’s always been the shape of the Laya Spot that does it for me, so it’s no surprise that after switching to fresh batteries, I was able to get off within 60 seconds. Using the Laya Spot feels good, not utilitarian. And it’s all due to the shape. That drastic angled with the rounded tip has always nestled between my labia like it belongs that.

Laya Spot is also one of the few clitoral toys I have that’s rigid, and I cannot help but think this has something to do with why the shape works well for me. Not only is it pronounced, but I can easily achieve pressure thanks to the material. Fun Factory described it as Elastomed, but it feels like a slick-ish plastic to me, so movement is easy.

Throughout my years of using Laya Spot, I’ve used it over my underwear and directly against my skin. If I’m lazy and perhaps haven’t had time to clean it, I’ll use my underwear as a totally not effective barrier. But because it’s the shape and not the vibrations that I love, I rarely use it directly against my skin.

Now that there are fresh batteries in my Laya Spot, I’m sure I’ll find myself reaching for it in the dark of night when I half wake up, aroused and delirious.

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Cloud 9 Pro Sensual Warm Touch Silicone Rechargeable Vibrator

September 1st, 2016

If there’s something I dislike more than trying really, incredibly hard and long to get off and failing to do so, it might be having to write about a toy that I would describe as “Meh.” I’m several hundred toys into my sex-toy-reviewing, er, career, and this increasingly happens despite that fact that I am now reviewing fewer toys than ever.

These two things go hand in hand, as I’ve discussed before. When I have little or nothing to say about the toy, you practically have to pry the secret from my brain via physical surgery like the mice wanted to do to Arthur Dent in H2G2. I digress just a bit.

So.. this is your introduction to the Cloud 9 Pro Sensual Warm Touch Silicone Rechargeable Vibrator, which you may never have heard of before. Even if you did, you might have forgotten about it given that the name seems more of a random assortment of words than a strong branding choice.Cloud 9 seems to be the new kid on the block, and they’ve got everything from basic

Cloud 9 seems to be the new kid on the block, and they’ve got everything from basic G-spot wands to kegel balls to heated, rechargeable vibrators. Once upon a time, this might have knocked my socks off, you know, if I even kept them on during masturbation (I am not that kind of heathen, after all). It’s still enough to draw my attention, and that’s how I wound up with this vibrator in my hands courtesy of SheVibe.

But making a rechargeable vibrator from silicone and well under the $100 price range is no longer difficult. Lovelife does it, and while their Cuddle may not heat up, it won over several reviewers/bloggers, myself included. But I digress.. again.

The Cloud 9 Pro Sensual Warm Touch Silicone Rechargeable Vibrator is one that shares similarities with many toys. The controls and heating function are similar to Svakom Leslie. The general shape reminds me of a Lelo toy, but that can be said about most toys that are trying to be – or at least look – premium.

Two-button control panel

plus, the magnetic charger reminds me of many Fun Factory toys. Cloud 9 might actually have the leg up because instead of just two contact points, there’s an ellipse groove into which the charger sits, making it more stable and providing more consistent contact during charging.

It’s not exactly like the other toys, however. While for Leslie and this sex toy take a while to warm up, The Cloud 9 vibrator does eventually become noticeably warm, warmer than Svakom’s Leslie. The description says it gets over 100 degrees F. In fact, some people might find the amount of heat to be too much. Of course, you can turn it off, but you can’t adjust it. Perhaps that will be a feature we see in similar toys in the future.

Unlike Lelo, the tip is quite squishy. The entire shaft is much squishier, actually. You might prefer this to those toys with thin layers of silicone that are mostly rigid. It may even make someone a good clitoral vibrator, but it was less than stellar for me personally.

I think I need more deep and strong vibrations or a toy with a shape that juts out in some way to be useful clitorally. This vibrator has quite buzzy vibrations that tickle my hand and leave my clit feeling a little “numb” after use — not because they’re so strong but because of how shallow they are.

I always find that toys with buzzy vibrations have lackluster modes. How can a pulsation feel good if it’s just not deep enough? This can be said for the Cloud 9 Pro Sensual Warm Touch Silicone Rechargeable Vibrator, sadly.

Overall, the Cloud 9 vibrator lacks bells and whistles. It’s got a gentle curve and is coated in soft silicone. But there’s no defined hook or bulge for G-spot stimulation. I don’t typically require texture, but I did finhas quite buzzy d the lack on this toy to be underwhelming.

This fact that it’s got 5 insertable inches and a 1.5-inch diameter kind of adds to this feeling. It’s just so.. middle of the road.

To be fair, it’s a decent, rechargeable vibrator made of soft silicone for less than $60. But unless you’re dying to try a heated toy or don’t own a single rechargeable, internal vibrator, I can’t see why anyone would rush out for one. I mean, you don’t have to. SheVibe can ship it right to your house complete with awesome box art. But I’d hate for that the be the best thing about the package you receive in the mail.

SheVibe

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Embrace G Wand

August 11th, 2016

Do you know what California Exotics is good at? It’s not really making amazing sex toys; although, you certainly could argue that the company is pretty good at churning them out. Henry Ford would be proud.

No, I think California Exotics is good at some other things, including:

  • Being late to the gate (rechargeable toys and silicone)
  • Designing toys that look premium and charging slightly less for them than those who did it first
  • ..but ultimately disappointing me

The Embrace line pretty much embodies all of these frustrations, and I should know better by now. This isn’t even the first toy I’ve tried from the line!

So you probably wanna know why I tried another one? I guess I’m just a glutton for punishment.

Okay, there’s at least one improvement over the G Wand from the Beloved Wand: it’s rechargeable and doesn’t just use AAA batteries. This should be a win, but if you thought that means it’s any stronger, well, you’re wrong. Probably. I no longer have the Beloved wand in my collection, but I can absolutely confirm that the power output of the G Wand isn’t what I expected because, you guys, there are three fuckin’ motors in here.

There’s one in the bulbous portion of the shaft, one in the neck and one between the clitoral nub and handle. The latter two are definitely smaller and weaker, but I can distinctly feel them in the setting that simply goes through each motor separately. But the overall impression on the steady vibration modes is just bland.

Seriously, though. It’s been a while since I’ve used a toy that just felt so “meh.” It’s odd because it feels stronger and deeper in my hand. The higher setting is noticeably buzzier, but it feels like it should do a decent job once inserted. It doesn’t, though. It may be the way the silicone absorbs the vibrations.

The G wand having a much more drastic curve than the Beloved wand. It reminds me of my Rondo, which I still have somewhere. In fact, I think the curve combined with the handle made it look like it would please me, and that was one of the main draws.

But I haven’t had a ton of success with G-spot wands that share this general shape. I’ve liked some, including the aforementioned Rondo and a toy by Ophoria. You may recall that I didn’t like the Pure Wand or the Comet, however, and many women have found those to be excellent G-spotters. To be fair, the Embrace G Wand is going to be a better tool for G-spot stim if you like those curves; although, there’s more flexibility than the Comet. So you may not be able to get a lot of intense play out of it.

To be fair, the Embrace G Wand is going to be a better tool for G-spot stim if you like those curves; although, there’s more flexibility than the Comet. So you may not be able to get a lot of intense play out of it.

As for the shaft, my favorite part was the rounded head, which I found to work decently for clitoral stimulation. However, the clitoral nub on the base of the shaft didn’t do it for me. In order to get it into the right position, the inner portion of the toy would cause pain. And the three ridges on the clitoral stimulator didn’t do it for me, anyway.

Is there anything I did like? I like the layout of buttons, which were easy to find. A single button switches through the seven settings (and powers the toy on/off), and each has six speeds. The other two turn the intensity up or down. I find it strange that the toy would start on the middle setting, however. It makes me think you’ll have a lot more power than you actually do. Who starts on medium and goes back down, anyway? But I was trying to be kind..

The loop in the handle was just big enough for a single finger, which I foud more useful than a toy whose loop is just shy of fitting two fingers. It feels pretty natural to slip my index finger through the hole and press buttons with my thumb.

It’s waterproof and recharges via USB. It’s not all that loud, so I might recommend it to someone who was looking for a vibrator of this shape but wanted more flexibility than the Comet and similar toys offer.

As for me? I really can’t quite put my finger on why the Embrace G Wand seems so lackluster. It has a less severe curve than toys that I really dislike, and the flexibility means I should at least be able to work with it. Perhaps I need to give it another go ’round before I toss it in the swap drawer. I’m just not looking forward to it.

SheVibe

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The Last Person I Slept With Doesn’t Recognize Me In Public

July 18th, 2016

And this makes me chuckle.

I mean, we saw each other a total of four times, always at night, more than seven months ago. I usually have to do a double take to make sure it’s him, and I apparently don’t recall his voice anymore.

I wasn’t smitten and we certainly weren’t sexually compatible. I soon launched into a month-long flirtation with someone on Tinder. That’s since crashed and burned, and my spring-turned-summer has been busy as evidenced by the lack of posts on this blog. So it’s not like I even have a lot of time to think about it.

But my hometown isn’t so large, and this guy and I play the same games. We see one another here and there, albeit less than I would have expected.

Except.. I see him and he looks right through me. It’s a blessing in so many ways. Perhaps one day I will no longer recognize him!

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5 Things All The Best Sex Shops Have

July 7th, 2016

Y’all know me: a bit opinionated and kind of a shopping snob. I mean, I love shopping, both in person and from the comfort of my couch. But I’ve been spoiled enough by some awesome stores to realize that not every sex shop is a gem, in the rough or otherwise. My local sex stores sadly fall into the subpar category because they fail to meet what I consider pretty basic requirements for any sex store.

I’m talking about..

1. Knowledgeable Staff

If a sex toy store or site doesn’t do everything possible to inform customers about sex toy materials, lube compatibility and anal toy safety, among other subjects, it’s just not a store where I want to shop. And it’s definitely not one I want to recommend to my readers or even friends. Sex should be amazing and toys and accessories can absolutely be part of that, but there’s potential for risk, and customers should be able to ask questions to minimize that risks.

2. Variety

Variety is the spice of life, but it also makes shopping more fun. Now, i wouldn’t expect a boutique store to carry everything, but I would expect to have some options. I don’t think there should be any category that boasts only a single product. How about a couple G-spot vibrators, you know? Not just a single bullet vibe. I also wanna see a few options for premium toys, too.

3. Cleanliness

No one likes seedy sex toy stores in person, but you know what else I don’t like? A site that’s cluttered and hard to navigate. Whether online or in person, stores should be welcoming. I like warm atmospheres and bright colors, not dingy overhead lights. If there’s no other option, many people will still choose the only sex store in the area, but more people see how convenient it is to shop online and avoid those unsavory places every day.

4. Transparency

A certain sex toy site that once worked closely with bloggers, including myself, fell out of popularity and pretty much off the face of the earth when it became apparent how shady all the practices were. Lies and smoke were blown around like you wouldn’t believe, and it left so many of us feeling angry and disenfranchised. I know there’s a lot that goes on behind the scenes that I’m just not aware of, but if a sex store isn’t going to be honest with employees, affiliates and customers, it’s not one that I want to support!

5. Inclusion

Had I written this post a year ago, I’m not sure that I would have included this, but things have changed. A shop that isn’t inclusive to people who aren’t straight and cisgendered is one that’s going to alienate a lot of people who I love. It’s not just good business sense — and it is — it’s the right thing to do!

Were I to add another option, I would definitely say competitive prices. I understand that not every mom-and-pop shop can keep up with the bigger companies, but exorbitant price markup isn’t cool. It’s one of the things I dislike about sex toy parties.

Not everyone knows where to find reputable sex toy stores, especially if you’re from a rural area or living outside the United States. For my non-American readers, I’d like to invite you to check out the following list of sex shops: Sydney sex shopToronto sex shops and London sex shops.

And if you know of a great sex toy store in your area, let me know in the comments! Plus, you can chime in if this post has some glaring omission!

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Decoding Your Kink: Guide to Explore Share and Enjoy Your Wildest Sexual Desires

June 28th, 2016

Sometime last year — I really need to catch up with reviews! — I was presented with an opportunity to review Decoding Your Kink: Guide to Explore Share and Enjoy Your Wildest Sexual Desires by Galen Fous. The entire theme of the book is something that I think is not only helpful but is necessary for those who are discovering their kinky selves, especially people who are struggling with this fact either because of their upbringing or because their relationships don’t have room for kink.

It’s not the first time I’ve reviewed a book about discovering your kinky self, so I was curious how Galen Fous would handle it differently than other authors, especially with his history as a mental health professional.

Very shortly into the book, Galen name drops a survey on his website, and he does this multiple times thereafter. He also links to his Fetlife account, lecture series, personal website, and his professional website. While I commend Galen for actually utilizing hyperlinks in his digital book, the significance of the survey is unclear.

At first, it almost seems as if it will reveal something about the user. It is simply a way got Galen to glean information about sexuality from readers and visitors. Don’t get me wrong. I think this is important, and what better place to encourage users to vocalize than in Galen’s own book?

However, the numerous mentions imply there’s a greater usefulness to the reader. This is especially true in the chapter that discusses personal erotic myths at length. At the end, Galen tells the reader to find their own PEM and directs them to the survey, but it’s never clear how the survey will be helpful in doing so. Fous never says “Imagine the story that is so erotic to you that it never fails to get you off. Imagine the role you play in your fantasies and how power and kink play into it.” Although there is a small section in the survey that asks the reader to consider this, the book itself leaves the reader wondering.

At times, Decoding Your Kink almost seems like a vehicle manufactured entirely as a vehicle to get more responses (and clicks to his site). At best, readers deserve better and it’s mildly annoying. But I can see this turning off a reader enough for them to put down the book.

My second major concern is Fous’ use of the term “fetishsexuality,” which he has coined and introduces as a sexual orientation alongside straight, gay, bisexual, so on and so forth. It rubs me wrong for several reasons. There’s no doubt that living in a society that fails to be sex positive is difficult for any kinkster, myself included, but it does a disservice to those who have fought to marry and have been murdered to simply invent a sexual orientation like this. Furthermore, one can be a kinkster combined with any of those sexual orientations, and many people are fetish-inclined without it being a necessity in the bedroom.

Finally, I think someone who is really struggling with accepting this part of their identity might find this new term to be confusing. Baby steps, you know? Let’s open up their eyes to fetishes and how they can be awesome and positive without adding new definitions that are not (yet) wildly accepted.

But let me sing some praise for Decoding Your Kink. I think it’s important that a mental health professional is sex positive and kink positive. I think it’s important for those with kinks and fetishes to recognize that those sexual interests are not necessarily unhealthy. They can be enjoyed, and they may not be shamed for having those fetishes.

Anyone who encourages kinksters to be honest to themselves is doing important work. Galen goes one further by collecting data and trying to develop a treatment model for those clients who seek help but don’t need their kinks treated as problematic or symptomatic of an issue.

Galen’s own kinks might make the reader feel more comfortable. He speaks honestly about topics such as physical (not sexual) touch with his clients, especially men who might be disconnected with their bodies and who may not experience positive physical interaction other than sex.

I did find the chapter on Erotic Mythos to be interesting and potentially useful, too. A personal erotic myth is essentially a sexual personality, and Galen outlines a few archetypes: King/Queen, Tyrant, Lord, Daddy, daughter, etc. In this section, the reader becomes familiar with stories of a few clients whose “personal erotic myths” followed a specific erotic myth fairly closely. Galen also talks about how important it can be to find a partner whose erotic myth complements our own.

Fous also treads carefully on the subject of bringing up your kinks to your partners, negotiating and potentially finding satisfaction of your fetishes outside of your relationship. Similarly, he explains the difference between D/s and BDSM and the interplay between kink and romance in a way that can help to

Yet all these positives don’t manage to make me forget about the strengths. There are places where Fous lacks clarity and flexibility. As I finished the last page, I felt somewhat let down. I think because the title “Decoding Your Kink” implies a book that will be hands-on and provide the reader a way to deal with their own struggle in regards to sexual identity. But at the end of the day, the words within these pages serve more as a general insight into Fous’ research and work with clients while providing a way for him to glean more data.

Again, I find this all interesting but it’s not what I expected to get from this book. I am mildly annoyed at this fact because I am not in the middle of a struggle myself, but someone who is, someone who picks up this book looking for answers, is unlikely to find them in a clear way that encourages action. For them, I would suggest As Kinky As You Wanna Be instead of Decoding Your Kink: Guide to Explore Share and Enjoy Your Wildest Sexual Desires/

 

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Adriana’s 10 Tips for Anal Sex

June 15th, 2016

In my first year of marriage, I might have had more anal sex than vaginal sex. Perhaps it was because we were still using condoms, and neither of us really liked them. It might have been the taboo, which made it all the more hot. But, if I’m being honest — and I always am with you guys! — I just liked it. Anal let my clit open to stimulate, the tightness felt great and my former husband liked it, too.

With that in mind, I’d like to help others experience positive experiences when it comes to anal sex, so I’ve got 10 pieces of advice that I hope will help you!

1. Talk About It

I don’t just mean talking during anal sex. Of course, you should do that. But you should talk about whether you want to try it at all. Your first foray into anal sex shouldn’t be a surprise, especially as a woman. If you’re a guy reading this and think the “Woops, wrong hole!” method is appropriate, you’re not only wrong but you’re probably not as good of a lover as you think you are.

So stop and talk about it. Do you want to try it? What will make you comfortable? Does any part of it make you cautious? Then, when you are in the moment, give instruction and provide feedback so your partner knows where you are.

2. Prepare

You really don’t need to do a ton to get ready for anal sex or play, but most people feel better after doing some sort of preparation. Make sure you’re not backed up. Folks with IBS or similar conditions are going to have a more difficult time having anal sex spontaneously. I know, I’ve been there. Wipe well. Wet wipes make you feel fresh. A shower takes it one step further. You can try an anal douche with lukewarm water over your toilet, but enemas really aren’t necessary; although, some people like them!

With that said, the potential for poo with anal sex is real but it’s not a big deal. We’re all adults here, right?

3. Start Externally

If pop culture is an indication of how people have anal sex — and I wish it weren’t! — then, a lot of people go straight for penetration. But, uh, I don’t think that’s a great idea. You see, if someone’s never been stimulated in that area before, plunging right in isn’t going to help them relax. Plus, I’m a vocal fan of external stimulation. Some spanking or groping of the ass is great, but manual stimulation around the anus is even better, especially during PIV sex.

4. Use Lube

Personal lubricant is a God-send for vaginal sex, but it’s an absolutely must for anal sex because the anus doesn’t lubricate at all like the vagina. You don’t necessarily need anal lube, but you should use something. A lot of people like silicone-based lube for its slickness. I prefer a medium-thickness water-based lube more often than not. Some people like coconut oil. Find what works for you.

5. Work Your Way Up In Size

You’re down with a little rubbing, and it’s time to penetrate. Great! But don’t rush into a huge toy or penis if you’re unsure. Instead, try a finger, then two. Consider a smaller toy

6. Push Out

As someone who has enjoyed a lot of anal sex, even if it’s been far too long, I cannot tell you how much this rings true. While your body will resist penetration initially, you can relax your sphincter muscles enough for penetration by pushing out a bit. Another piece of advice that’s often touted is to relax your throat, which is supposed to have a mirror effect on your anus. I haven’t noticed this to be true.

7. Go Slower Than Slow

This phrase is usually associated with BDSM. It means to go slower than you think you need to so you won’t overwhelm yourself or your partner. This is especially true for the person doing the penetration. Once your cock or strap-on has made it past that first ring of muscles, stay there for a minute. Let your partner get used to the sensation. Then thrust shallowly before working to the full length of your shaft.

8. Respect Pain

If you’re in pain, your body is telling you that something is wrong. This is the exact reason that anal numbing creams are a terrible idea. So if it hurts, try more foreplay, add lube, take a few deep breaths or even try again another day. Sometimes it takes a few tries to get it right with anal.

9. Make It Romantic

I know a lot of people prefer positions in which you can make eye contact, and positions from behind don’t achieve this. But you can – and should – try anal sex in modified missionary if you like the eye contact or enjoy kissing as part of more romantic sex.

10. Guys Should Try It, Too

Typically, it’s men pressuring their female partners to try anal sex, and I think women can enjoy being penetrated. But it works when you flip the script around and a woman manually stimulates her man or penetrates him with a toy. Because a man’s prostate is located within the rectum, anal sex is the perfect way to explore that part of your sexuality and, no, it doesn’t make you gay.

Of course, you don’t have to try anal sex if you don’t want to. Some people like it, but it’s not for everyone. And if you give it a go but find out it’s not your thing, it’s your right to say “Stop”. If you don’t get it right the first time, don’t fret. It took me several tries to get doggie style to work, and that’s some pretty basic sex stuff!

You might not find yourself having as much anal sex as I did once upon a time, but hopefully you can enjoy it from time to time with these tips.

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