Spring and Summer 2022 Media Recommendations

July 31st, 2022

You know how I started doing monthly media recommendations and when it became quarterly, and now it’s been more than six damn months since I posted any recs? Well, now you do! Anyway, here’s a post chock-full of links to awesome videos, podcasts, and books about sex!

Watch

I’ve already sung praises for Netflix’s How to Build a Sex Room on Twitter. And I’m not the only one. It’s the sex-positive home renovation show I didn’t know I needed (and I’ll soon be posting a lengthy post inspired by it)!

Another great watch is Episode 1 of the series The Mysteries of X and Y by Scientific American: A Question of Sex. I’m not sure if there will actually be a second episode, but this is a good look at the biological complexities of sex.

Listen

I not only  komcaught up with some of the podcasts I know about but decided to look for some fresh meat. One of those shows is Practice Outside the Line, a podcast where Heather, founder of the Sexual Health Alliance, talks to people who are in the business-educators, researchers, therapists and more. I especially loved this episode featuring Nicoletta Heidegger, who we know and love from Sluts & Scholars!

99PI played clips from Remembering Stonewall in an episode last month that you can check out if you’re interested in LGBTQ+ rights and history. You might consider pairing it with this episode of Outward, featuring Hugh Ryan who discusses his book and the connections between prison and queer culture, including Stonewall.

I started watching Will & Grace for the very first time after hearing Malcolm Gladwell discuss how groundbreaking and carefully crafted it was, which contributed to its popularity. The show itself is dated, of course, but it’s a part of history and seeing how much society has changed since 1998 shows how much progress we’ve made.

I’m going to be honest when I say that I have zero idea how I came across the Sexology by Dr. Moali podcast. But I’m glad because the episode featuring Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz is such a practical, helpful, and even hopeful podcast about having better sex,

I’ve been waiting anxiously for Beyond Fear: The Sex Crimes Podcast to return. It’s heavy but important work, and I am so grateful to Alissa and Alexa for creating this podcast. The episodes about invisible survivors of sex crimes and the ideal victim are so very important. I suspect that the themes of racism and poor treatment of survivors will continue this season.

Much earlier this year, Unladylike tackled intimacy coordinators and Hollywood’s resistance to employing them. More recently, Cristen made an episode about the overturning of Roe versus Wade, in which she delves into who the infamous Dobbs in “Dobbs v Jackson” is.

For something completely different, you might want to tune into the episode of Behind the Bastards about the father of gynecology and his unconscionable medical experimentation on Black women.

Read

I’ve been utilizing the university library to my advantage, and that includes several books about sex, even though I haven’t read all of them. I am fairly positive that I picked up Magnificent Sex after listening to the Dr. Kleinpatz podcast above. Peggy and her team surveyed people about what makes sex good and used it to provide some helpful information.

I finally got around to reading Lux Alptraum’s Faking It: The Lies Women Tell about Sex–And the Truths They Reveal. It was such a deeper dive into whether and when women are believed and its impact on when and how they lie. I wasn’t expecting that, but it definitely gave me food for thought.

Finally, I recently finished Polysecure by Jessica Fern and recommended it to my therapist. Now, I’m recommending it to my readers! The book is all about attachment and trauma as it applies to poly relationships, but I found it infinitely useful as someone who is single and hasn’t been in a poly situation. For whatever reason, I struggled to apply attachment theory to myself before reading this book. Sometimes things just click, I guess! Anyway, the book is a good intro to attachment theory even if you’re not familiar, and then Jessica launches into some practical advice. She also wrote a workbook you can pair with it. 

Those are my media recommendations for the first half (and some change) for 2022. There’s a lot of good stuff in here, whether you simply want to learn more, improve your relationship, or become a better practitioner!

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We Need More Opportunities to Talk About Sex

July 22nd, 2022

Yesterday, I had an invigorating discussion with someone from the Sexual Health Alliance regarding a possible internship. It seemed to go pretty well, so I’m feeling great about that, but even if we don’t work together, it was still such a valuable conversation for me.

I don’t get a lot of opportunities to discuss sexuality with people who are involved in research or education, and the communications I do have are so frequently online. It was great to see and hear people on the other side of that discussion. It facilitates cooperation and connection. If I’m being honest, I’ve struggled with imposter syndrome and viewing other bloggers, authors, and sex educators as competition, instead of people who are working toward a common goal.

Some of that may be a bit inevitable as a woman in a capitalist society, but it’s plagued me for nearly the entire life of this blog and prevented me from speaking up as much as I want to, whether that be on my blog or social media or in person, but especially to those who I find intimidating. And that’s a shame. It’s likely also partially spurred by the fact that there are so few spaces to discuss sex healthily and productively, so it can feel like we’re all vying for a piece of it, like it’s a zero-sum game and someone else’s success means our failure–whatever that means.

Yesterday’s discussion, however, helped me reframe the way I think about things and see a fellow educator as my ally and potential partner in teaching about sexuality to improve sexual satisfaction and reduce the negative sexual and life outcomes that result from a sex-positive society. When the person I was discussing said we “need 17,000 more sex educators,” it really clicked. One thing I’ve struggled with is wondering how my efforts to write or talk about something would be any better than others’ efforts, even if others have yet to focus on the subject that I am thinking about.

But it’s important to remember that people come from different places. Their knowledge levels and mindsets, combined with the subjects we tackle and the way we talk about those things, all impact whether something really impacts the audience. There could be a million books, articles, conferences, or podcasts about the same topic, but there’s no guarantee that the people who need that information will find, understand, or take it to heart.

This is something I’ve recently been appreciative of after having read two books, The Highly Sensitive Person and Polysecure, both of which have shed a different light on relationship communication and allowed me to reflect on my last relationship differently than I would have otherwise. With Polysecure, the book’s first section about attachment style struck home in a way that nothing has in the past, and I am no stranger to attachment theory. Hell, I’ve even written about it in the past! But it wasn’t until I read this book at this point in my life that I could better understand and use that theory personally.

So talking with someone else has motivated me to do more of my own talking–well, writing–and I’m excited for some of the posts I have in the works and the book I’ve been working on! 

There’s no doubt that returning to school and setting my career in motion in an “official” capacity, some positive comments from instructors, a volunteer-turned-work opportunity through school, and working with a new therapist have also boosted my confidence and increased my network in an instrumental way. This recent conversation was just the cherry on top of what I hope is a sundae that won’t melt anytime soon. Is that stretching the metaphor too far?

Regardless, I’m starting to think I can actually sustain change, continue to grow, and accomplish my goals in a way that I just haven’t before. 

Yay.

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Hi There

April 26th, 2022

It’s me, Adriana.

I’m alive.

I hope that some of you seeing these words find them reassuring in some way.

This winter was difficult, what with the breakup, deaths of loved ones, and my plummeting self-esteem. This spring is better in ways but has presented its own challenges.

Sometimes these challenges get the best of me, and I stay in bed long after it’s healthy because it means I have to spend less time facing my troubles in the waking world. Sometimes it’s hard to concentrate on anything while I’m awake, and I aimlessly watch TV while swiping simple games on my phone.

There are days when it’s all I can do to finish a little work and school before climbing back in bed, and I am consumed by guilt for not accomplishing other tasks, things that I used to do with ease.

I can’t seem to clear the clutter–from my table, mind, or inboxes. I certainly don’t blog, if I even feel as though I have something to say or someone to read it.

It doesn’t mean that I have stopped wanting to help people more freely and fully enjoy their sexuality or brainstorming ways to do it. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be a more active blogger and social media user, engage with others, and follow the conversations about sexuality.

But doing anything to reach those goals is sometimes beyond my reach, and that increases my guilt and my inability to accomplish all that I want.

This is a fairly vulnerable post for this blog. It’s honest, and perhaps some of you can see yourself in it. Perhaps more importantly, it’s a sign that I was able to log in and type a few words before hitting send.

Maybe it won’t be four months until I post the next time. Maybe I’ll write something for Science of Sex or find a good groove then it comes to posting on social media–finally.

That would be good.

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Autumn 2021 Media Recommendations

December 26th, 2021

Listen

I experience an odd disconnect with the usual podcasts that I enjoy these last few months, perhaps due to the media I had to consume for classes and maybe a bit due to depressive feelings, which I’m not entirely beyond. Something switched over the last month or so, however, and I found that the first few episodes I’d been skipping over in my queue were pretty awesome.

First up, Unladylike did a whole series on sexual topics, I think because Planned Parenthood sponsored them. They dove into how female pleasure has been monetized and the (lack of) science behind squirting, among other topics. I also really appreciated a more recent episode, Childfree After Infertility.

Speaking of science, you know I had to listen to The Science of Orgasms on the Sex and Psychology podcast. Dr. Lehmiller interviewed researcher Dr. Nicole Prause to discuss the psychology and biology of orgasms.

Sunny Megatron so often delivers with her American Sex podcast. Andrew Gurza of Disability After Dark and his sister Heather Morrison discussed disability and their new sex toy for disabled folks in an episode earlier this month. Sunny also invited Kitty Stryker onto the show to talk about the “morality war” against OnlyFans.

I think we all know that blue balls are bullshit, but it’s still worth listening to the Science Vs episode about them. Not only is it humorous as always, but Wendy and her guests ponder whether and how people with vaginas have similar experiences.

Finally, I randomly came across How Gender Equality Can Save the Planet from A Matter of Degrees. It’s definitely worth a listen.

Watch

If you’ve got a few minutes, check out Dr. Liz Powell’s take on erotic humiliation in her appearance on Watts the Safeword.

Abortion was definitely a hot topic in my classes this semester, and What It’s Like to Have A Second-Trimester Abortion was actually part of one of my lectures. It’s important to remember that some people have no choice but to abort wanted pregnancies, and seeing and hearing people discuss those difficult decisions is powerful.

Read

I was interested in reading Strange Bedfellows since the first I’d heard of it. I enjoyed a few podcasts where Dr. Ina Park promoted her book, so I was super enthused to learn she also narrated the audiobook. It was excellent; although, I wish I had the ebook to go along with it because I definitely wanted to make a few notations. Dr. Park has a voice that’s really easy on the ears, and her writing is approachable, too. In her book, she puts to bed (sorry not sorry) some myths about various STIs. However, she also provides warnings about the future of STIs, especially those that resist medication. It’s a cautionary tale that so few tell, but Dr. Park does it so well.

I’m going to depart from the topic of my blog for my second book recommendation. I haven’t been in the loop, so I didn’t notice that Mary Roach had a new book until I saw a physical copy in stores. Fuzz: When Nature Breaks the Law takes on animals and a few plants in Mary’s iconic humorous style. As always, I learned so much. But this time around, I also found myself appreciating the way she notices and describes the people whom she interviews.

I expect I’ll have a few more book recommendations in my next installation for two reasons. I’m on break for nearly a month and my holiday gifts included some bawdy books. You bet Kate Lister’s newest, Harlots, Whores & Hackabouts: A History of Sex for Sale, was one of them!

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Black Friday 2021 Sex Toy, Bondage, and Lingerie Sales

November 26th, 2021

Babeland

Take 20% off sitewide for one day only.

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Lovehoney

Lovehoney is offering up to 60% off select toys during their holiday sale. Sale includes the Magic Wand Original, Womanizer toys, under-the-bed restraints, nJoy Pure Wand, and many Lovehoney originals!

Kiiroo

Save up to 75% off in their Black Friday sale.


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Mysteryvibe

Get up to 35% off until December 1st.

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Womanizer and We-Vibe

Save up to 40% off best sellers when using the code EXTRA10.

Check out We-vibe here.
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Bijoux Indiscrets

Code BLACK25 takes 25% off everything.
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Ella Paradis

Use code BLACK to save up to 85% off

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Get the rose vibrator for $26.99. That’s a savings of $130!

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Plus, the Stella oral sex vibe is $150 off. Now only $49.99.

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AND! They’re offering 20% off all Womanizer, Arcwave, We-Vibe, and Pjur products!

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Frederick’s of Hollywood

The lingerie store is offering up to 70% off sitewide.

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You can also get panties for $3 and FREE ground shipping!

Lovability

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Vibrators.com

Save 15% with code TurkeyWeekend.

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Lelo

Dozens of toys are marked down up to 60%. Plus, use code BLACK21 to save an additional 5% on sale prices!

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SheVibe

Use code BEACH

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Hustler Hollywood

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Plus, take 20% off We-Vibe toys.

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For A Satisfying Sex Life, Don’t Ignore What Makes You Unique

July 30th, 2021

The world is designed for the average person. It’s how we got the BMI scale and clothing sizes. Except, as it turns out, no real person meets the mythical average. That’s why clothes shopping is such a pain in the ass.

Now, I’m not naive enough to think that the sex toy industry is working with averages, at least not in the same way. People aren’t measuring the distance between the clitoris and vaginal opening or the length of the perineum. Few researchers have considered the importance of sex, let alone the majority of sex toy companies, many of which want to make a buck and don’t care if their toys are harmful or not.  Many sex toys, especially insertables, are probably based more on the average penis with some larger and smaller models offered on either end.

Why does this matter? As consumers, we’re forced to choose from items that are not necessarily designed for us and our very real bodies. Instead, we must adapt to toys. It’s lead to discomfort, buyer’s remorse, and frustration, often rooted in the idea that something is wrong if we can’t make a sex toy work for ourselves.

But I’m here to tell you that it’s not you; it’s them.

So many sex toys are poorly designed. Even those that are well-designed cannot possibly fit every body or preference. When it comes to sex toys, there is no one size fits all.

This is why I am hesitant to tell people to buy the most expensive toy out there when a cheaper one will do or when they’re not even sure if they like that type of stimulation at all. I certainly don’t want to lead people astray just because like something. And having been the person who disliked toys (-cough-Pure Wand-cough-) that everyone else praised. I’ve also been on the other side of that; few people seemed to like Lelo’s Ora, but I did.

I keep this in mind as a blogger and reviewer, and I hope my readers keep it in mind, too. I don’t want them to end up with an expensive paperweight, a butterfly vibrator that isn’t as hands-free as the manufacturer claims, or cuffs that are too small to use as intended. Don’t get me started on vibrators. One person’s “strong” is another’s “annoyingly buzzy.”

Some toys more than others are especially difficult to recommend. Any sort of dual stimulator comes to mind; although, rabbit vibrators are among the worst culprits because they’re designed to stimulate two body parts at once. Although I’ve tried many rabbit vibrators and liked some of them, others haven’t been so lucky. When the toy is inserted, the external portion falls too short or shoots far past their clitoris. A shaft too straight, and the whole experience can be awkward.

Fortunately, we’ve seen improvements. Although I didn’t love it, the Womanizer X Lovehoney InsideOut has a nicely curved shaft that is flexible, allowing the external portion to easily make contact with the clitoris. The Crescendo, for all its faults, tried to adapt to individual bodies. Yet, it was another “Pass” from me. It goes to show that bodies are so unique that even adjustable toys can miss the mark.

Sex toys aren’t the only thing that needs to be adaptable. Sex education and advice must similarly recognize how different bodies are. That’s why the best advice is for a person to explore–their body, desires, and needs. While I can tell people what toys make me squirt or how I have clitoral orgasms, I cannot promise that the same will work for them.

Yet, the Internet is full of these types of guides that focus almost exclusively on technique without recognizing anatomy or even personal preference. The more we focus on a certain technique or spot as the key to unlocking orgasms or a better sex life, the more we overlook that’s it’s the journey, the exploration, that makes sex better, not the destination.

We need to look beyond “X marks the G-spot” and give people a foundation for a satisfying sex life, no matter what that looks like them. That way, if they try something new such as a technique or a specific sex toy, they recognize that not everything works for everyone and will be able to take it in stride and continue exploring what does work for them.

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Erato: Flash Fiction

June 30th, 2021

It has been a good while since I’ve read any erotica, let alone reviewed some. But I couldn’t pass up the newest anthology from the New Smut Project. You might remember me reviewing Between the Shores a few years ago.

Scratch that?

2015?!

I guess that’s more than a few years.

But I digress.

That erotica anthology tackled something that some people (erroneously) consider unsexy: consent.

I’ll be honest, I don’t remember the specifics, but I do recall the stories being unique, enjoyable, and well-written. So I agreed to review Erato when the opportunity arose. Let’s start with its official description.

Short, short tales from 50 experienced storytellers and hot new talent bring readers to Paleolithic caves and far-flung planets, seducing them with magic, mythology, and dreams while wryly acknowledging the reality that sometimes sex requires stretching. Alongside old favorites like temperature play and strap-ons, have you considered the erotic potential of shaving or a handful of coins?

While the New Smut Project’s other books were themed by subject, the thing that pulls each of the 50 stories in Erato together is their length: they’re brief. You might recall that I am a fan of flash fiction when it comes to my erotica. To this day, I still have both Five Minute Erotica and Got A Minute? on my bookshelf. And while I haven’t gotten around to it, I fully intend on rereading them both at some point. Erato will soon join these volumes. Like them, this anthology spans a variety of themes, from Sci-fi/fantasy to period pieces to BDSM to queer erotica.

However, there are some keys differences that make this anthology stand out, and I think some of them have to do with this being a more recent book. It might seem arbitrary that Erato is a much newer book of flash erotica, but I can’t imagine an anthology as inclusive as this being released even just a few years ago. In fact, few organizations would strive for inclusivity the way New Smut Project has with Erato. Heteronormativity? No, sir! The stories include trans and nonbinary and characters requesting and using pronouns other than he, she, or even, they.

I think anyone who finds most erotica too limiting or irrelevant, might find Eratot to be much more accessible because of this. Of course, there’s a subset of people who would criticize this move or claim that this book is all clear, but that’s not true (and the overlap with my blog readers is probably small). Many of the stories have different themes but just happen to have characters that fall a little outside the gender and sexual binary.

Another consideration, which is true for all collections, is that if you especially like a story, it’s just one in the bigger collection. Because Erato focuses on shorter stories, you might find your interest is piqued but your appetite isn’t sated. Fortunately, some of the pieces in this book are chapters or snippets from the authors’ own longer works. There’s something.. wholesome… about the promotion that authors might get from Erato.

The other distinguishing feature of Erato is simply the quality of the stories. Multiple times I found myself thinking not just that something was interesting or hot, but that it was literature. Erato is the book you give someone if you want to prove that erotica has artistic merit. It’s not a guilty pleasure because there’s no way to feel guilt about something so excellent. Editors Alex Freeman, Guinevere Chase, and T.C. Mill so carefully curated this collection, and it shows.

So which of those stories are my favorite?

Erato starts out strong with Gerri Green’s “Anthing For the Mission,” a story of exploration that’s out of this world.   The momentum continues with “Touch” by D. Fostalove, a story most certainly inspired by COVID-19–but with a sexy twist. The visuals of R.F. Marazas’s “Dressing Dana” are topnotch, and Alain Bell’s “Contentment” is a story imbued with the universal feelings being in love brings forth from us.

Don’t even get me started with the second of Lawrence Schimel’s three pieces (expertly translated by Sandra Kingery), which includes a line that makes me want to cry. Somehow he uses words that perfectly capture the how pain and arousal can become intertwined after loss. I even laughed out loud a time or two while reading the stories in these pages.

No matter how fantastic the plot, there’s always a reminder of how human we are–and by extension, sex is.

Like I said, it’s literature.

And that’s just the first quarter of the book.

If you want to experience Erato for yourself, you can purchase digital or Kindle versions on Amazon. And if you’re trying to boycott Amazon, I get it. There are a few purchase options on the New Smut Project’s website, including some with discounts!

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