What gives?

May 13th, 2016

I am just not having a good time with advertisers lately. There’s always the chance that someone will lowball you or string you along without providing you with whatever price or product was agreed upon. lots of people just flake out, and I’m not always the best at keeping up with email. (The lack of posts isn’t because I have half a dozen toys/books ready to write a review about or anything…) But I recently went through my inbox to catch up on messages about reviews and potential advertising and thought I was doing a pretty good job as an adult.

This is where I realized, however, that the representative from Tacky Sex Toys had never actually come through with their side of the agreement in regards to my sex toy store profile/review. Since the communications had been positive, I figured it was an honest mistake. I, too, had not been on the ball. Except my return email bounced back and the site doesn’t even exist anymore? Yesterday, it was a directly, today’s it’s a 500 error.

I mean, the dine-and-dash doesn’t even make sense in this context because the post I put up simply links to nothing, so it’s not like they’re reaping the benefits.

But it gets more frustrating. Another representative from a different site wondered if I could naturally slip a link into an existing post. Listen, we all know how “natural” any sponsored content is most of the time. It was my bad for even accepting it after seeing the link text, which was as unnatural as it gets. But after slipping the link into the requested post, the rep decides this post isn’t suitable.

C’mon, now! I can’t do what you want and then have you back out. In the meantime, the link’s on my site while this person tries to figure out my crap. I don’t particularly like it. I haven’t been paid. I’m starting to realize while I let all those emails pile up to begin with. I’m wondering if this is just punishment for me agreeing to work with such shady people in the first place.

So it’s a bit my fault, sure, but i feel like the nature of the Internet means I deal with more flaky people and more fly-by-night companies than ever before, and I’m just kind of sick of it.


As soon as I posted it, someone else followed up that they couldn’t pay for a sponsored post. Um, what? You already agreed that was fine?! Ugh.


101 Nights of Great Sex

May 9th, 2016

Essentially, 101 Nights of Great Sex is a list of 101 sexy ideas, or seductions, as curated by author Laura Corn. These include reader and “expert” suggestions. They’re categorized by “for him” or “for her’ and intended for the other partner to initiate. Many of them are intended to be a surprise, but they don’t need to be. More on that later.

The book isn’t split into the sections. Rather, the him/her seductions seem pretty random. It might make more sense to make the first half “for him” and the second half “for her” just to be easier, but then who would read the entire book?

The problem with their attempt to get the reader to turn every page, at least with the digital version, is formatting. Every “For His Eyes Only” uses the same image of a woman in a garter belt that my Kindle also retrieved as the book cover. “For Her Eyes Only” seductions use the same image of a shirtless man, but neither needs to be repeated. It adds needless scrolling and doesn’t look all that good.

As I sat down to write this review, I couldn’t help but think about some of the things that I didn’t like about 101 Nights of Great Sex. For example, there are multiple mentions of Astroglide and other poor-quality lube and sex toys. For specific products, the author mentions the URL of a store where it could be purchased. These include Babeland and Good Vibes if I recall correctly. While this could be useful, it would be more useful to craft a storefront where readers could buy all the suggested products (and it would make the author some money!).

Some of the “ingredients” lists for each seduction get mixed up with the first paragraph that talks about the inspiration, too. This may be something that’s been corrected in the published version, but my review version seemed a bit sloppy and unfinished. I would have been disappointed had I paid for it.

There are multiple references to 50 Shades of Grey, which we all know is crap. It’s easy to allude to the books, the characters, the content and even the author, but easy doesn’t necessarily make it right.

The girlish manner in which these things are mentioned indicates that the same crowd who liked the mommy smut is the target audience of 101 nights. There’s nothing wrong with that, I guess, but I actually think there’s potential within these pages that shouldn’t be limited to just that. But if the assumption is that the type of people who liked 50 Shades are mommies potentially in a sexual rut, maybe that was the intent. 101 Nights is intended exactly to cure that.

My last complaints revolve around food: that’s typically a yeast infection waiting to happen, and the fact that many seductions assume mobility, ability and general fitness of participants.

Plus, the entire book is pretty heteronormative. I mean, that’s obvious when you consider that the entire thing is written with things for a woman to do to/for her man and vice versa. Again, this is something that’s just more limited than it needs to be. But it’s not all bad.

For starters, the content really runs the gamut. There’s bondage, roleplay, sex toys, massage, dress up, sexting and more. There’s something for everyone, even if you don’t like every seduction. Each seduction includes a list of things you’ll need, from lingerie to sex toys to office supplies. Laura occasionally mentions options based on your preferences and what you have available. This allows for alterations, and the general tone indicates that you can stray from the idea as long as it inspires you. In this way, 101 Nights of Great Sex could help spice things up in the bedroom.

There’s also supplemental digital content in the form of “e-teases.” Some seductions contain URLs toward the beginning of the chapter. If you visit the website, you can send an email to your lover to schedule a date. This can help to make sex happen and gauge your partner’s interest. If they aren’t down, they can suggest another “date”. Or they can accept. It would be great to this concept expanded a bit, perhaps with the ability to add it to your calendar through your mail app.

It would also be wonderful to provide some sort of feedback, both to your partner and also to the site. This would encourage discussion about sex between couples but it would also be one way for each “seduction”  to be further improved.

While I was surprised to find out how much I liked the supplemental content on the website, there are a few caveats. Currently, the link to the app on Google Play comes up 404, and I cannot find the 101 Nights app in the store. That’s a pretty big issue. Secondly, it took some digging around to find the list to e-teases for her and for him. There was no direct link from the e-tease pages or the main website. Less tech-savvy folks would have an even more difficult time.

..That’s if they even decided to use the site. The book doesn’t really do a great job at making you want to go to those e-teasers; in fact, it starts with the first seduction without any introduction. I found the inclusion of the URLs in some seduction sections to be curious, but was almost at the end by the time I even decided to give them a visit. Since I was reading the e-book, it only makes sense to make those URLs into links.

While I didn’t personally love some of the suggestions, there’s something to the concept that’s presented in 101 Nights. With a bit of tweaking, especially to the e-book, this concept would be quite dynamic and invaluable to the right reader, whoever that might be.


It’s A Small, Small World

May 5th, 2016

There is a new cashier at my preferred gas station. He’s gorgeous. Dark hair and eyes. Tall and slender. Strong jaw, delicate cheekbones. He’s got a nice voice and an even better temperament. I am smitten.

I am not above a little social media snooping, and neither are my friends. We quickly uncovered a Facebook profile, and I was stunned to realized I’d previously matched with this Adonis earlier this year on Tinder. What a small world?

I unmatched because I’d been talking to the Much Younger Guy. Also, this guy is far better looking in person than he is in his chosen profile picture. I wouldn’t have assumed that these people were one and the same from that photo.

Anyway, since we’re unmatched, I’ll need to work up the courage to do this in person. Wish me luck!


5 Items That Are a Steal During Lovehoney’s Birthday Sale

April 16th, 2016

I couldn’t help but write this post letting my readers know about Lovehoney’s great birthday sale! You can save up to 50% off on items, both Lovehoney branded and from others. There’s a few things I’ve like to try and some things I already know I like.

Bettie Page Picture This Spanking Bat

Bettie Page Picture This Spanking Bat


1. Bettie Page Picture This Spanking Bat

The round version of the paddle I previously reviewed is less than $30! I’m considering it picking it up just because it’s so cheap!

2. Lovehoney Plus Size Captivate Me Wet Look & Lace Chemise

Most “wet look” lingerie is only available in straight sizes and looks pretty cheap, to be honest. Neither is the case with this piece, which also incorporates lace into the look. It love it! Just $30.

3. Embrace USB Rechargeable 7 Function Vibrating Cock Ring

A rechargeable, silicone cock ring that vibrates? Just $50, it’s a steal.

4. Lovehoney Spoil Me Satin Babydoll Set

Here’s another great lingerie piece! It’s just $30. If you don’t like the babydoll, there’s the Lovehoney Adore Me Lace & Microfibre Underwired Basque Set, which also has lazy touches.

5. OhMiBod Cuddle

Decent vibrations, silicone and a nice shape? I enjoyed the Cuddle — as did other reviewers. If you’re looking to advance from your starter vibe, the Cuddle is a great choice. Lovehoney’s anniversary sale ensures you won’t break the bank because it’s only $55!

There are more sex toys, bondage items and lingerie on sale at Lovehoney. Click below to shop!


Don’t forget thaty you can enter to win a We-Vibe kit from Lovehoney right now!

Win The Newest We-Vibes Nova and Rave!


There are affiliate links in this post. If you make a purchase, I will earn a fee. Thank you for your continued support!


Sex Store Profiles: Tacky Sex Toys

April 7th, 2016

This site no linger exist. Click here to read more.

Let’s start at, well, the beginning: the name. Tacky Sex Toys? I’m not sold on this. To me, something tacky is something bad. It’s either in poor taste or maybe it’s even a gag, a joke. A sex toy really shouldn’t be either of those things (though, I’ve certainly seen my fair share of bad designs!).

Screenshot 2016-04-08 01.47.16

Onto my first impressions. The basic design is, well, a little basic. It’s missing some of those details that really make a site stand out, the little things that really make it feel like a solid brand that’s unforgettable. Without a link to a blog or some guides to help the shopper, I have to wonder if consumers might go elsewhere to find that sort of information. Not every sex toy retailer needs a full-blown community surrounding it, but I’ve increasingly come to trust brands that are really transparent and personable. I suppose Tacky Sex Toys just feels a little sterile in that regard.

It’s strange because there’s a personal welcome message video at the bottom of the page. I like this idea, but the rest of the site doesn’t quite back it up. The video quality itself could be a bit better. There’s quite the echo.

But if the options are there and the price is right, I can overlook the previous things.

I tend to browse new and featured toys on sites. Tacky Sex Toys has categories for both; although, you can’t view new items by type (toys, lube, lingerie, etc). There currently is no option to change how many items show up on each page, either.

Like many retailers that offer lingerie, Tacky Sex Toy lists sizes and colors for pieces separately. I have personally never considered those items to be unique, and this means you might see four of the same item on a single category page because of how it’s done. I understand this is simply the easiest way to do it, but I don’t think it’s the best way. The number of pages and the products contained therein in just the “New” section is quite overwhelming. Tacky seems to err on the side of having every product rather than just the best.

There’s an important balance to be found, and I’m not quite sure Tacky Sex Toys has found the right balance. There are a few things that might potentially  be frustrating for shoppers. For example, there is only one product image for each product, and I’m not sure it’s always the best product image (take a look at the Layaspot product page to see what I mean).. Furthermore, you can’t enlarge it to see the details. for products with long names, the text cuts off on category pages. I’ve also noticed a few pages where the products didn’t quite line up right.

Tacky Sex Toys does something interesting with little icons on category pages and the index. Hovering on them shows what’s new, hot or sold out. This is potentially useful, especially with the new items. But I do think that items that are currently unavailable should be removed from the front page as it just leads to frustration.

The same overlay option allows you to add items to your cart from the index or add them to compare, but the link to compare items is buried at the bottom of the page. It should definitely be more prominently displayed. I also don’t particularly find ‘Clit Cuddlers’ to be a helpful category that’s separate from palm sized massagers.

This isn’t to say that Tacky Sex Toys is terrible. It’s clean and neat. The navigation is pretty functional. It’s free of gendered language for the most part, too. There are not just a lot of toys, but they sell a number of high-quality toys, affordable toys and those from brands I trust. Some of this can just get a little lost with the current way the site is set up and when you’re wading through the sheer volume of toys.

Reducing clutter by listing like items and allowing the shopper to narrow down by color, size, so on and so forth would make it easier to find what you want  — and what you don’t know what you want! — easier and quickier, which is definitely going to appeal to shoppers.


The Other Side

March 28th, 2016

It wasn’t fair. It just wasn’t fair. This was supposed to be her fairy tale, not the dream-come-true of a snot-nosed brat.

How would you like to finally meet the man of your dreams, only to realize that he was a king? He marries you and sweeps you off to his castle, and you’re excited that you’re finally able to live happily ever after. You even try to befriend his daughter, whose mother died long before the girl can even remember. You know you can’t replace her mother, but you try to love her anyway.

And she rejects you. You try and try again, but she continues to snub you. Eventually, you give up, retiring to dark corners of the castle when you can, feeling safe and loved only when your husband, the king, is by your side.

But then the unthinkable happens. Your husband, the king, dies. It is sudden and it is a shock, and you experience a feeling of loss so overwhelming that you’re not quite sure you can climb out of this black pit of despair. Somehow, someway, the princess claims the loss as her own. The country weeps for her. They shun you, even as you don the crown and all the responsibility that comes with it.

This is the story of that queen.

The king, when he was alive, doted on his daughter. She was forever his little girl, even though she had stopped being that little girl years prior. She had developed from a lanky, awkward child with eyes too big for her face into a raven-haired beauty with porcelain skin and lips the perfect shade of rose. They called her Snow White.

And every day the queen looked into her mirror, the stress hanging heavier on her shoulders and the lines on her face growing deeper. The widowed queen was heartbroken and saw no way out of her situation

But she saw everything that went on in the palace. At first, it started with Snow’s canoodling with kitchen boys in the corners. It was innocent — for a while. As Snow grew, her desires and curves followed, and the eyes of every male in the castle did, too.

It wasn’t long before the princess moved on to never-ending kisses, leaving serving boys with their eyes glazed over and cocks hard. Any teenaged boy who managed to find his way into the palace would stand in line just for the chance to slip his clammy hand into the princess’s bodice. And she knew it.

Snow quickly learned to use her sway over men to her advantage. A coy smile and a wave of her hand would have them falling over each other to do her bidding.  But this wasn’t why Snow did it. It wasn’t about the favors.

She liked the attention. She liked batting her eyelashes and smiling at serving staff so that spoons and platters crashed to the floor as they temporarily forgot how to do anything but stare. The princess liked playfully pushing hands away from her body in mock resistance; she liked it even better when the hands pushed back — forcefully.

She liked the awkward groping beneath her petticoats and pawing at her corset, the kisses down her throat, grasping and pulling of her hair, the rush of blood between her legs and the way her breathing quickened. And when they finally managed to find the right spots with their fingers, their tongues, their cocks? She was in heaven. She loved it all.

She was fantastic at encouraging the attention, too. A slight brush of her hand across a boy’s arm, a not-so-covert wink and a shuffle to an empty room or a hallway was all that Snow needed to do, and a boy would follow in tow.  The princess continued the flirtatious dance for years, luring defenseless boys to her side with her feminine wiles.

Those boys turned into teenagers, and those teenagers turned into men. At nineteen, Snow White  had moved on from servant boys, who always seemed to stay the same age. She turned her eye to the young men delivering goods to the castle, the local woodsman and politicians who would attend galas at the castle. It didn’t matter their color hair or facial features. If he arrived on the arm of a gorgeous young woman, Snow could find a way to steal him away from the ball if she wanted, and he would soon be between her legs.

Snow Would leave them in a sweaty heap, not caring that their cum was dripping down her creamy thighs as she slunk back to her chambers. The queen had discovered Snow’s disheveled, half-dressed paramours more than once as they guiltily returned to their  duties or their wives, stupid grins glued to their faces. They would shrivel as the queen walked past, but they wouldn’t be able to stop smiling.

It was a miracle that the palace wasn’t in shambles. The princess must have wrapped her mouth around a hundred cocks, lifted her skirt to allow dozens of lustful men between her legs and yet, somehow, not a fight broke out in the castle’s halls. The queen just couldn’t understand it.

Nor could the queen compete. Whenever she would meet a possible suitor, he wound find himself tumbling around with Snow. It was almost as if the princess had planned it. She would give the queen an evil eye as she bit down on a crisp apple, the sound of it ringing through the breakfast hall as the queen simply tried to enjoy her morning meal in peace. She was sure that Snow White was hellbent on ruining the queen’s life. Some night, in the dark of her chambers, the queen would cry silently, wishing she had never met her beloved king to begin with.

Of course, she never meant it, but her despair had grown to such proportions that the queen slowly found herself not caring at all. She went from hopeful to ambivalent, from ambivalent to cold. As she swept through the castle, a chill followed behind her. She barred her heart within a frigid sheath, and even the warmth between her legs seemed to cool.

Snow, with her charm and guile that only the queen could sense, remained everyone’s favorite orphan while the queen’s reputation tarnished. Had she any benevolence to extend to her subjects, she forgot to do so in her despondent state. Those who worked more closely with her in the palace grew impatient with her depression and heartbreak. The queen responded in kind.

This is how she became the queen that all the stories talk about, and this is her story.

But like any story, the end can only be seen in hindsight. The queen expected a happy ending when she married the king, but her story wasn’t going to wrap up so nicely.

Somewhere in the middle, the queen found herself a hostage in her own castle and the kingdom she didn’t care to rule. She heard her stepdaughter’s joyous laughter in the hall and cringed as if only one of them had lost someone they loved. At night — and sometimes during the light of day — the queen could detect deep grunts and high-pitched moans echoing through the halls. She had to escape.

So she began walking the kingdom. It didn’t take much to escape the palace. As it turns out, people weren’t looking for her. She would meander among the markets, secure in her anonymity. But she preferred to roam in the forests, content to be one with nature.

It was here that the queen would watch the forest animals — deer, squirrels, and rabbits on the forest floor and birds perched in branches — go about their daily lives. There was no hatred or contempt. Animals didn’t play games. The queen thought them to be more human than most of the people she knew.

The queen would wander for hours, and it was during one of these strolls that she discovered a large outcropping of stones that looked like a throne. Perched on the rocks, the queen could look at the forest and fields stretched out before her. In the distance, she could just make out small carts hauling between the country and the castle. From her perch, she could usually detect a gentle breeze and the smell of flowers wafting through the air. With the sun beating down on her skin, she almost felt herself again.

From her perch, she could usually detect a gentle breeze and the smell of flowers wafting through the air. With the sun beating down on her skin, she almost felt herself again. She would visit her stone throne almost every day. While she had first laughed bitterly at the idea that the only throne where she felt comfortable was made of rock, she would soon come to feel comfort when visiting her special place.

One particularly hopeful day, she laid sprawled atop her throne and the light wind brushed the revealed skin of her chest. Something struck a chord deep inside, and she felt a desire to warm her heart. Hesitantly, she loosened the laces of her bodice so that her breasts could spill out ever-so-slightly. The sun beamed down on the exposed skin between her breasts, and her heart felt a warmth she almost forgot she was capable of experiencing.

The queen breathed breaths that were full and cathartic for the first time in months. She exhaled slowly, feeling every bit of breath leave her pursed lips. Although that should have been the only sound she could hear, a rustling of leaves startled her. The queen bolted upright and glanced around wide-eyed, her breasts spilling out from their confines. She didn’t notice as she locked eyes with a man who had been the source of the noise.He was tanned from the sun, his skin more leathery than any man who lived in the palace. His dark hair was cut to frame his face but fell disheveled that day/

He was tanned from the sun, his skin more leathery than any man who lived in the palace. His dark hair was cut to frame his face but fell disheveled that day. Still, it couldn’t hide his angular cheekbones or friendly eyes, eyes that barely seemed to stray from her gaze, even though her breasts were hanging out. This rugged man was decked in typical huntsman garb, soft leather adorning his upper body, hands and feet.

But what was most apparent was the raging hard-on he sported, apparently from stumbling across the queen.

“I’m sorry,” he started, as surprised as she was that the forest would contain another human.

If you guessed that the queen was completely stunned, at a loss for words and also strangely aroused, you would be right. Out there, on her throne on the woods, the queen was the object of a man’s lust for the first time in years. And she loved it. Any other thought slipped out of her mind.

“It’s okay,” she tried to reassure the huntsman who was blushing a deep crimson. “I didn’t realize anyone else would be out here. It’s just so nice.” The queen trailed off.

“Yes, it is quite lovely.” He seemed to be agreeing, but his eyes strayed downward to focus on her breasts. It was a bold move, indeed. In the castle, it would have gotten him carted off to the dungeon, but in the woods? It was a different matter entirely.

The queen smiled, not a coy smile like the princess would have offered but a smile that was self-possessed, confident even. The huntsman must have felt particularly arrogant himself because he moved closer to the queen, not giving any indication that he was aware of her status, and fell to her knees. Removing the leather gloves from his hands, he reached out to touch her breasts. His hands were calloused, but his touch was gentle and deliberate.

He kneaded her flesh, leaving temporary marks on her skin. The huntsman carefully loosened the queen’s bodice even more, revealing her full breasts. Leaning forward, he eagerly sucked each of her nipples into his mouth as though he was thirsty for her body. The queen hadn’t felt this wanted since before her husband had passed, and she surprised both of them with the intensity of her moans.

The huntsman seemed intent on pleasuring the woman, who was described as a matronly crone by those who compared her with the princess. But here it was just the two of them, and he certainly saw her as a vibrant woman worth pleasing. As she leaned back on her rocky throne, the huntsman worshiped her body, adorning her with attention and kisses. He wasn’t content to stay above the

He wasn’t content to stay above the belt however, and he lifted the layers of her skirts. The queen thought it was abrupt for him to move to penetration so quickly, and she felt a pang of apprehension at the thought. She had been madly in love with the last man who had been between her legs, and while she wasn’t necessarily a prude, it seemed like the huntsman was too goal oriented.

Her fears were allayed, however, when he ducked his head beneath those layers, instead. His hands might have been rough, but his mouth was soft and warm, and it seemed to melt the chill she had felt inside for so long. He lavished her clit and lapped at her opening just further south. He quickly found a rhythm that the queen couldn’t resist, and she rocked her hips to the same tune.

As she leaned back on her arms, her head tipped back and her golden-brown hair fell backward. Rays of sun caught the tresses, which she had decided against putting up shortly into her depression. Inside the castle, it was nearly scandalous, but on the sun-warmed rocks with the huntsman between her legs, she seemed wild and free.The huntsman continued with his licking,

The huntsman continued with his licking, swirling his tongue around her clit and using the flat for wide strokes that made her shudder. For the first time in what felt like forever, the queen felt her orgasm building. She had forgotten how powerful her body was, what it could feel like when she loosened that power. She did so then, her orgasm a disruptive crash in the peaceful woods. Her thighs squeezed against the huntsman’s head as she came.

And then the tears came. You wouldn’t think of crying as sexy, but her orgasm was the catharsis she needed to finally allow herself to feel. All those months and days she had kept it all inside, and now everything was rushing forward. The queen’s orgasm ushered a torrent of tears and emotion that she couldn’t seem to stop.

The huntsman was alarmed as he extricated himself from her skirts, but he gently asked if she was okay.

“No, it’s fine.” She queen replied in a shaky voice. “Please, don’t stop?” The monarch rarely asked anything of any person these days, but vulnerability was all she had left. And the huntsman listened.

He loosened his own trousers, and they dropped to the ground. His hardened cock was now in view, and the queen could tell it was a beautiful specimen even through the curtain of tears. Again, he was on his knees, pushing his way between her skirts. The queen lay back awkwardly, and he removed his jacket to place it behind her back before he thrust into her. The queen allowed herself to lie back as this stranger penetrated her, a sigh escaping her lips as she had done before she even knew of his existence.

As he fucked her, he was thoughtful and precise. He was skilled and likely experienced, and he was giving her pleasure that she needed. His own heavy breathing and grunts indicated that perhaps he was in need of the very same treatment, and he quickened his pace as he neared orgasm.

But the queen was finally becoming herself again, and her place was not beneath this huntsman, a stranger whose name she didn’t know. Instead, she pushed him from her thighs and instructed him to lie down. She carefully straddled his bare legs, lowering herself onto the cock that arced toward the sky. The huntsman laid his gloves and jacket beneath her knees to prevent them from scraping against the rock beneath them, and the queen ground her hips downward with renewed passion.

Again, she could gaze out from her position on the throne, but it wasn’t calming this time. Her pulse quickened as she rode the man beneath her, breath coming heavier. The queen wasn’t typically so forward about seeking her own orgasm, but she worked toward it like she might die if she didn’t experience another release.

The queen’s orgasm was short-lived, almost violent, but it was an orgasm nonetheless. Her muscular contractions around the huntsman brought him to his own release, and she could feel the spasms and he came deep inside her.

Finally spent, the queen collapsed down upon the huntsman. It was all she could do to catch her breath. But she knew, and she was certain that he did, too, the time couldn’t last forever. Sooner than she would have liked, the queen sat up and began tightening the laces of her bodice, once against constricting her body and breathing.

The huntsman finally spoke. “That was wonderful, my queen. Quite lovely.” The queen was taken aback by his recognition, but it didn’t matter, now did it?

Though the queen and the huntsman would continue to have their rendezvous, a few in the woods, some in his cabin and some carefully-planned meetings in her own palace, happiness seemed to be something that would be doomed to slip from the queen’s grasp. It just wasn’t fair.

After one particularly fun romp, the pair lay awake in the queen’s plush bed. She had learned to let go of the guilt of fucking another man in her marital bed. After all, her husband was dead. More than that, however, the queen was sure her late husband would want her to find happiness even if she didn’t dare think she deserved it.

Their pillow talk turned to the situation in the palace, as it often did. Slowly but surely, the huntsman had stripped the queen of her layers until he knew her entire sob story. Perhaps it was because he had never spent any time in the castle or even because he wasn’t one of her many staff members, but he expressed sadness and respect of the queen’s difficulties. He softly caressed her ivory thigh with his sunkissed fingertips before breaking the comfortable silence.

“I don’t understand why you stay, my lady. You could go anywhere you wanted. You don’t seem attached to your home or the people who live her. Those same people would just as soon see Snow become queen. You’re not from her to begin with.”

The queen couldn’t argue, truthfully. She had just never considered leaving. She laughed off the idea that day, but it stayed with her for weeks.

Wouldn’t you know, he was right?

One evening, after a naked romp in nature and a luxurious walk in the woods — their meetings were becoming more like romantic dates by the day — the queen finally blurted her feelings to her beau.

“I think you’re right. I can leave. And maybe I should. But where would I go?”

Her question ignited a conversation among them, one that started hesitantly but soon became excited and hopeful, as they planned a future together.

The two plotted their escape. The queen knew the search for her would be brief if at all, should she disappear. The huntsman had even less obligation to the kingdom, and he had the skills they would need to start a home and a life of their own. The queen had never been particularly fond of being waited on and was even excited to learn skills she would need — as his wife.

They ended their discussion and walk at the door of the huntsman’s simple cabin, but they stayed together far through the night, making feverish love for the last time in his home. The queen spread her legs for him as she lay on her back on the rug in front of the fire. The flames created shapes on the ceiling above him and warmed her skin as she stared into the fire on all fours. The huntsman roughly gripped her fleshy hips as he came in this position, and the pair collapsed together before he would walk her back to the palace.

The next week passed in a blur as the queen picked out the items she would need. So many of her belongings were fit for a queen, but she realized that the position was never really right for her, especially since the death of her beloved king. As she packed the most practical of her clothing and shoes and a few beloved trinkets, the queen realized she valued little more than the company of the huntsman.

She had fallen in love, and her life was falling back into place.

You might think that the queen’s story could end here, another chance at a happy ending, but you’d be wrong.

The queen and huntsman met on what was intended to be her last day in the castle. They kissed and laughed and tumbled into her bed for one last session under the plush covers. Would she miss them? Perhaps, but she was more excited for the future.

The gleam in the huntsman’s eyes indicated that he felt the same, and he hugged her close before his departure. He smuggled her small packs out of the palace, promising to meet the queen at the rock outcropping where they had first met.

Time seemed to crawl by, but the queen was intent on filling it. She thought she might say goodbye to her friends in the palace, but as she made her way through the rooms, the faces that greeted her belonged to strangers. Perhaps they had been warm once, but they were barely cordial as the queen moved from room to room. Upon realizing this, the queen considered whether she might say goodbye to the princess. The two barely spoke to begin with, but the pair had rarely seen one another since the queen became so focused, first on the huntsman and then on making her escape.

Finally, it was time for the queen to begin her stroll through the forest. No one thought anything of it as she donned her cloak and slipped out through one of the lesser-used doors. They were used to the queen leaving and, perhaps, preferred it that way.

The familiar walk through the forest path was less calm and more exciting than usual, and the queen had to fight a skip in her step. While there were few people around, she was still the queen, after all.

As she approached the curve in the path that would lead directly to nature’s throne, she thought she heard the huntsman’s voice. She slowed her pace, careful not to give away her location. Perhaps he had run into someone who would question a secret meeting in the woods between the two.

But as the throne came into view, so did the huntsman. And so did the visage of the princess, her bare skin nearly reflecting the sunlight as her body bounced haphazardly on top of the huntsman’s. Her frame looked tiny in comparison to his. It was almost comical, this nearly-girl atop a middle-aged man.

Yet it wasn’t funny at all to the queen, the broken woman who had fallen in love with this man. She was equal parts angry and confused as she stormed toward the couple. Her eyes shined with emotion as she approached the pair, unfortunately, at the exact time when the huntsman was releasing his seed into her stepdaughter’s cunt. The picture came into painful focus for the queen, and the rest of the world seemed to fade around them.

The queen made eye contact with him first. He looked startled and ashamed, much like he had at her first meeting. But it was his shame that was predominant as he stammered, trying to say something, anything, to the queen.

Snow, on the other hand, was her typical self: cute bordering on oblivious to the world around her. But her eyes betrayed her. There the queen could see deception and the princess’s plot come to fruition. She locked eyed with the queen, her cruelty so obvious that the queen could no longer deny the truth. Snow White had always been in control. It had always been her intent to make the queen’s life a living hell. She had succeeded with such subtlety that even the queen herself had been blind to the fact let alone everyone else.

You might say it was this very moment when the queen became evil, but it was what happened next that would truly harden her heart so impenetrably that she would only be remembered for her actions after the fact.

“Mother dearest,” spoke up Snow as she rose from the huntsman’s body. “You’ve caught me at such an inopportune time, my thighs wrapped around this huntsman, a nobody who is certainly below my station and old enough to be my father. How a woman like me could find herself in such a position,” the princess nearly giggled at this, “I don’t know. I’m sure you understand what I mean, stepmother.”

It was Snow’s words, unkind and chosen so carefully, that finally sent the queen over the edge. But the queen realized that she could never let this monster know that. Instead, she drew all of her resolve, lifted her royal skirt and turned around to return to the castle.

It wasn’t fair. It never was, but the queen would stop caring around what was fair after that.

The huntsman scrambled after her, but his state of undress and the queen’s hurried steps allowed her to return to the castle well before he could. Rather than hide away in her room like she had for months before, the queen returned to her throne room.

So the princess and the peasants thought she didn’t belong there? She would show them!

The queen sat regally upon her throne, the crown she had been willing to part with forever just a few hours prior upon her head. It was this visage that the huntsman was presented with when he entered the throne room. He had never seen her like this before, their class differences so obvious. With an icy command, the queen cleared the room of all personnel. As the huntsman made his way down the carpet that ended just in front of her throne, there was nothing but stillness in the room. When the doors finally closed after the last person left, the sounded echoed through the chamber.

Oh, the huntsman would bed and plead. His apologies and there were many of them, fell on ears that were suddenly deaf to his pleas. She would hear none of it, but when he was finally silent and on his knees in front of her, much like he had been during their first meeting, she would finally speak.

“Huntsman, you are a member of the kingdom, the kingdom that I rule. As your queen, you are to obey me. Do you know what would please me?”

The huntsman was eager to gain her favor again. Had anyone else been privy to the seen, they would remark that the huntsman was certainly sincere in his regret and absolutely in love with the queen. The right person might even have realized that the queen’s actions, cold as they seemed, were only because she had once been in love with the man. But no one was there. No one heard the huntsman ask without any pride how he might please the queen.

And no one was there to hear the queen command the huntsman to kill Snow White, her manipulative yet beautiful stepdaughter, the princess who was adored by her kingdom.

No one but the queen saw how crestfallen the huntsman became at this suggestion, and the queen certainly didn’t care. He hadn’t cared when he had ripped her heart from her chest. It only seemed poetic that the huntsman bring the queen Snow’s very own heart, a heart that had never loved and broken as intensely as the queen’s own heart.

There were no witnesses to this exchange. The huntsman only nodded silently in agreement, knowing that he not only deserved the punishment but also that it was no redemption. It was too late for that.

Yet, somehow, everyone knows the story as it continues. They know that the huntsman couldn’t bring himself to do this. They know that he brought the queen a pig’s heart, instead. They know that Snow White found refuge with seven small men in a cottage in the woods, a woods that the queen had once loved. They do not know, however, that these were lascivious and lecherous men whom Snow would allow to penetrate her every orifice at any time of day.

No one knows that this is where the story actually ends: with a young woman content to live out her days covered in semen from any number of man, an old queen whose heart had been hardened to coal and a huntsman so haunted by his actions that he would drink himself a slow death.

But now you know.

Like I said, it’s entirely unfair.


Lelo Lily 2

February 27th, 2016

Lily 2
$139 from Lelo

The original Lily was one of the most disappointing vibrators I’ve ever tried to get off with. This is twofold. One, it was one of the first — if not the very first — expensive vibrator that I bought for myself (perhaps even a Christmas gift?) and it was something I’d lusted over for, perhaps, years.

When I got the thing, it was sleek. I was probably still impressed with Lelo’s packaging at the time, which has thankfully been updated to something less bulky and more eco-friendly, but I still didn’t keep it. The problems with Lily were obvious from the start. The two buttons are placed on the underside of the toy, the side that will rest against your mons during masturbation and sex. And the vibrators? I’d be better off humping a wall while my asshole neighbors throw a party.

Lelo decided to fix exactly one of those problems — the vibrations — by using a better motor this go around. And it’s high time! It’s been something like 6 or 7 years since I first tried Lily. The new Lily feels at least twice as strong but, and perhaps more importantly, the vibrations feel deeper than I remember the original being.

They’ve done nothing for the horrendous placement of the buttons, however. The company has also added a unique feature that exactly zero people were clamoring for (and that pretty much everyone has laughed at): the Lily 2 is now scented.

But I’m curious or brave or simply amused, and I signed myself right up to review the Lily 2.

All things considered, it wasn’t nearly as disappointing at the original Lily. The vibrations on high are comparable to the highest setting or the first Siri; although, the vibrations start much weaker and are generally buzzier. I don’t love it as much as either of my Siris, which are solid little clitoral vibrators that show Lelo really can do something right, but the power boost means I can get off with Lily 2… as long as I turn it up high and leave it in place because those damned buttons are really in the worst possible place. Guys, everyone gives Jimmyjane crap for the form 6 but this is so.much.worse.

But the vibrations — all 8 settings are steady vibration — are decent if a bit boring. I’ve never been on to enjoy all those extra settings, though, so this isn’t a dealbreaker for me, personally. I was able to get off while applying a fair amount of pressure. The flatness of the Lily 2 isn’t exactly ideal for honing in on that spot between labia like some other toys, including Siri and Eva, which I will be writing a review for here soon.

As far as the one feature that Lelo has been touting.. I don’t hate it, honestly. I carefully chose the dark plum colored Lily 2, which is Chocolat & Bordeau scented.  I don’t like the smell of wine or how chocolate scented things usually smell, but I more passionately dislike floral scents, so this seemed the best option. I’m not sure that it smells exactly like the name suggests, but it’s honestly not that bad. It’s quite faint, so you have to hold it to your nose to smell it. I don’t even smell it when using it, and that’s kind of the conundrum here. I’m not offended, but it literally adds nothing to the experience, unless maybe you’re using it on someone else and your face is close to the thing.

I think you can see why this marketing angle makes no sense. What Lelo should be playing up is the increased strength and the fact that Lily is now waterproof because people seem to care about that… for reasons that escape me. Especially considering how difficult it is for people to understand the concept of adding scent to a vibrator and whether that it good for us or not. Personally, I don’t feel like it’s a con, but it’s not exactly a pro, either.

Lily 2 far more of a success than its predecessor simply because of its improved vibrations, but for $20 more, you can get a fantastic experience from the Siri 2. Or you could opt for the unique features of Ora 1 & w, which aren’t up everyone’s alley. But at least the feature is noticeable even if you don’t like it? I don’t know. I did.