Dear Hot Nerd,

April 24th, 2011

Or should I call you Tiger? Adorable geeky boy? All I know is that I want to call you mine.

There isn’t any way to say any of this without sounding like a lovestruck teenager. A little too naive. A little too hopeful. Completely overwhelmed. I don’t mind at all.

You see, I am crazy about you. Completely taken by you. Smitten. I cannot help but think about you, every waking and dreaming second. I cannot help but smile when we talk and even when we don’t. I can’t help but talk incessantly about you. I think, were you to ask me to marry you right now, I’d probably say “yes.” It’s foolish, I know; we barely know one another. Yet, I cannot help but adore everything that I know about you. You’re incredibly sweet and charming, funny and attractive, dorky in all the right ways. Your silliness permeates your every move while your level-headedness balances everything out. I know with every fiber of my being that not only would you make me laugh and smile but that you’d be there for me if I needed you and your sensitive nature could appreciate mine.

I want to be with you not because I need to but because I cannot ever imagine a time when life with you would not be enjoyable, when your laid back demeanor wouldn’t help to calm my frazzled nerves. So I write this all here, anonymously, because I cannot tell you yet. Coming on this strong, this early in the game, would surely scare you away and I know that people normally don’t work at the speed of a bullet train. I hope that pouring my heart out will help ease some of the frenzy that has built up in my mind but I know it’s futile–as soon as I start to think about future possibilities, my heart will go straight into overdrive again.

I can only hope you feel a fraction of the same.

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Battle of the BabeLubes

April 21st, 2011

BabeLube Natural / BabeLube

BabeLube Natural / BabeLube
$12 (Natural), $8 (Regular) from Babeland

I think we all know that I am not exactly a lube connoisseur. Generally, as long as a lube doesn’t irritate me or have some characteristic that I cannot stand (such as being silicone-based), it will go in my nightstand and whichever I happen to reach for is fine. I don’t usually do comparison reviews but I figured it would be a good format for writing my review for BabeLube Natural, Babeland’s natural and “organic” version of its water-based lubricant.

There’s a major difference between ingredients. BabeLube actually has a shorter list but it includes chemicals like polyoxyethylene, sodium carbomer, Phenoxyethanol, and ethylexyglycerin. Glycerin, as you probably realize, is one of those ingredients that can cause irritation in some folks. On the other hand, BabeLube Natural’s slightly longer lists consists of purified water, plant cellulose, aloe babadensis, vitamin E, carrageenan, extracts of hibiscus, flax, green tea and sunflower seed, citric acid, and potassium sorbate. The list definitely sounds more natural and I know both aloe and vitamin E are common in products that are touted as natural and a few lubes that I’ve heard of also include carrageenan.

In use, I found the BabeLube Natural to be slightly thinner but it still has a gel-like consistency and won’t drip all over when you’re applying it to yourself or a toy. Regular BabeLube is a bit thicker and I actually find it difficult to apply. Both lubes come in a squeezable bottle with a press-top cap and BabeLube doesn’t like to move. I have to take the cap off and stick a finger in or bang it around for a few minutes so it becomes mobile.

I did a quick rub test for both of these and the result was that, while BabeLube felt fairly slick, BabeLube Naturals felt even slicker and was longer lasting in terms of lubrication. As BabeLube dried, it became a little tacky but, once completely dry, I could no longer feel the tackiness and didn’t need to wash it off. BabeLube Naturals, however, was tackier and remained tackier for a while. Eventually, you won’t notice but you may want to wash it off at first.

Because of its thickness and slickness, I’d opt for BabeLube Natural but I’d probably enjoy regular Babelube a little better for clitoral stimulation as I am quite bothered by tackiness around my vulva. Both are compatible with all sorts of materials and activities but neither is going to do you a lick of good in wet situations because they’re water-soluble. For those activities, you’ll want a silicone-based lube. I recommend Uberlube (read my review).

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iRide

April 20th, 2011

The iRide certainly puts the “novel” into adult novelties. That is for sure. In pictures, it sometimes looks like it might be a smaller toy, something that simply sits between your legs, almost like those panty vibrators. It’s not. It’s a big honking piece of plastic and silicone in God-awful Barbie pink. It looks–and feels–like a real child’s toy. It certainly doesn’t have the sort of design that’s so sleek and attractive that the toy itself can arouse you.

When I got it in the mail, it was in a big box. The actual packaging is a medium box that is, again, reminiscent of something Barbie-esque. The iRide sits in a plastic holder inside the box. I quickly did away with the box. It’s not that much bigger than the toy but it’s neither discreet nor better than storing this giant vibrator on its own.

So, the iRide is kinda of like a saddle that turns up in the front and back. It sports an insertable, vibrating shaft and a round/semi-sphere nub for clitoral stimulation (supposedly). The base is made of hard plastic while the parts that touch the skin are soft, TPR in, again, Barbie pink. The shaft is approximately 4″ in length and tapers slightly toward its rounded end. Its pretty straight, all in all, and probably a bit big for a newbie. At the base, it has a diameter of 1.67″ so we’re looking toward the medium-large end of the spectrum (although it’s not huge by any means) The clitoral nub is pretty huge and only 1/2″ or so from the position of the shaft. Unfortunately, because of the ridge plastic and the nature of the design, the iRide offers absolutely zero customization. Either it works for you or it doesn’t. At a price of nearly $150, I would advise you think long and hard before purchasing this vibrator.

Despite its size, the iRide runs onl AA batteries. I guess I was expecting C cells. Doc Johnson crafted this one with a battery covery with springy sides that you pinch to remove (from the bottom of the unit) and an easy-insert battery pack that holds the 4AAs. Although I used some batteries that were probably less than fresh, I found the vibrations to be a bit buzzy. The shaft on the iRide is really comparable with some of the insertables I already own. It’s definitely enough to make me squirt but, of course, I prefer deeper vibrations in terms of sensation.

This is the type of toy that you have to mount so I lubed it up and tried it out. The TPR has enough give that insertion was easy enough but I quickly found that the angle of the shaft on the iRide and the angle of my vaginal canal are not suited for one another. I found myself leaning forward to that the shaft wouldn’t stab into the front wall of my vagina. Nevertheless, it still aimed in that general direction quite forcefully. The more I leaned forward, the further from the clitoral nub did my clitoris move. See, mine’s much further than 1/2″ from my vaginal opening, plus I’m a little fleshy, so the nub just wasn’t far enough out or away from the shaft to work.

Logistically, the shape of the iRide just wasn’t working for me. It seemed to be a bit too wide between my legs (only 5″ but when something’s snuggled up against your pussy, that seems a lot, I guess) and kneeling like that left me much taller than the toy anyway. There wasn’t any way for me to hunker down so I could really get to grinding or rocking with the iRide, but I’ll be the first to admit that I’m got some curvy thighs on me, so I’m not entirely surprised. It’s sad because there’s only so many positions you can do with this thing. While on the iRide I also felt a bit.. as though I were wearing a giant pad or diaper. It’s 12″ from stern to stern, and that thought just isn’t one that’s really conducive to sexy time.

I do have one more complaint about the iRide. Simply put, this giant beast is a bitch to clean. If you go the soap and water method, you wind up rubbing on some soap or cleaner and have to shove it in your sink and turn it this way and that to rinse it out (like the baking sheets that are just too damned big for your kitchen sink) and I highly doubt this thing is all that water resistant as there’s no seal around the battery compartment. Otherwise, you can wipe it down with something like Pjur Med or Afterglow wipes but that’s a little less than ideal because the TPR catches lint and hair and such and it’s really essential to use running water to rinse those away.

I honestly think we’d all be better off spending our money on one really good vibrator and a position pillow with some sort of pocket that can hold our beloved vibrators. At least, that way, it’s possible to customize the toy.

6 Comments


Best in Form

April 19th, 2011

I am super lucky, blessed even. I work with companies who have sent me, literally, thousands of dollars worth of swag and all I have to do is tell you about it. I get free stuff even if all I have to say is bitching. And, sometimes, that’s all I have to see. Even high quality items have missed the mark, just as I can be pleasantly surprises by vibrators and dildos and what-have-you that may seem a little cheaper or a little odd at first. I’ve been surprised and disappointed more times than I can count and that makes sense: it’s a numbers game. When you’ve tried more than a dozen rabbits, toys from giants like California Exotics and premium vibrators from Lelo, there’s bound to be some surprises.

But in this numbers game, I have yet to try a sex toy from Jimmyjane. I lusted over the Form 6 long before I was a reviewer. My eyes bulged at the release of the Form 3. The form 2 seemed interested, if buggy. And now that’s the Form 4. That, my friends, is why I am writing. I am hoping that the good folks over at Babeland will read this and take pity on me. After all, how can I truly call myself a sex toy reviewer without having reviewed something from every manufacturer out there? My resume is lacking.

I would like to add just one more number to this game: 4.

1 Comment


JeJoue Mimi

April 16th, 2011

JeJoue’s Mimi is a fine looking toy and, because I am attracted to all things (and people) pretty, it’s a significant part of the reason I requested to review it. This tiny, triangular-esque vibrator reminds me a lot of Lelo’s Lily. It’s smooth and flat-ish, made of plastic and silicone and uses an awesome magnetic charger. I’m really into the magnetic chargers. I can’t break a toy with them, like I did my We-Vibe. I digress. MiMi’s tiny size makes it perfect for using between bodies or even tucking in your panties. It seems like most retailers are marketing this as a couple’s toy and I think its strength definitely lies in that application. It’s not intimidating in the least and doesn’t resemble a penis. It’s super easy to use and could, potentially, fit in the palm of your hand for a traditional massage.

I can’t say anything bad about it except, perhaps, that is isn’t cat proof. Mine has teeth marks in it. They fucking love silicone. What the hell, man? I digress.. again.

So during solo use, I found the MiMi to be pretty good at pinpoint stimulation but I tend to like something a little more general and with more pressure. This is the type of vibrator in which the silicone is silky smooth but covers a rock hard form so pressure feels a little sharp. It’s super easy to use, though. Plus and minus button on the one edge. Those same buttons serve as the contact points for the magnetic charger. While charging, there’s a red light. I almost missed it at first cause I had it upside down.

The vibrations are not mind blowing. They’re what I’d called medium-buzzy. Your hand won’t fall off or tickle to death but they lack real depth. The result of this is that I do not particularly enjoy the escalation or pulsation. It’s not dramatic enough for me. There’s also a sort of rattly whine as the toy is on, probably due to a digital motor. I’ve experienced this before. Sound-wise, MiMi could use a reduction, I think. While no one may be the wiser, it just seems a little loud for its size and strength. At its lowest setting, MiMi is louder than Siri’s highest setting. It;s mostly due to the rattling sound.

MiMi is well made and I’m sure it will last you a lifetime but you shouldn’t get it if you already own something similar or like strong, deep vibrations. If you’re looking for something subtle, easy to use and completely non-intimidating for partner play–and can justify the price–MiMi will probably do just fine.

3 Comments


Yooo

April 15th, 2011

Yooo

Yooo
$100 from Babeland

Yooo is a fantastic vibrator. Its description might suggest it as an all over massager and its shape might be reminiscent of Mickey Mouse but, damn, if Fun Factory didn’t knock the ball right out of the park. A lot of times I see these novelty toys and, in reality, they just don’t perform all that well. Cast aside your doubts! The tri-spherical shape of Fun Factory’s Yooo works amazingly.

Let me pause to tell you that I love spherical toys. Love them. I like pressure and grinding and spherical toys offer this without being painful. I don’t have to position them in any certain way–they’re spheres! Although, I’ve found that this multi-sphered toy works best when in a vertical position to one sphere stimulates my clit while the other rests against my slit, so to speak. This leaves the third ball where I can press against it to get all the pressure that I like and control the toy.

Now, let me say that the controls could use some work. For whatever reason, I have to press the on/up button for a full five seconds as hard as I possibly can to get my Yooo going. It’s just really stiff but the other buttons don’t appear to be as stiff. The button set up is also quite easy to use. + to power it on and cycle upward, – to do the opposite and Fun Factory’s signature boost button to give it an extra kick.

The click and charge system is also in play here. A magnetic connector lines up with the FF logo to charge the toy. The company has added a unique feature to its newer toys. The control area lights up when you touch it and, while I like the idea, I find the light isn’t bright enough or should be a different color. The light really doesn’t enable me to see the buttons any better. It’s not a big deal, though.

I’m a big fan of the density of the silicone. It offers a tad bit of give, which makes it perfect for grinding against. Like any silicone, it collects dust and lint but, because there’s no open ports or whatever, rinsing with water is A-okay. No silicone lube though, mmkay?

So, I haven’t even gotten to the best part, really. Yooo features not one, but two motors and the vibrations aren’t super shallow. Yay for me. So some of the settings have some nice back and forth action going on and this toy really resonates deep within my body. The shape and vibrations not only get me off but I enjoy getting there and that’s not something I can say with all toys, honestly. Vibrators like Lelo’s Siri do the job but don’t tend to really make me writhe in pleasure as they do so. With Yooo, I experience a more powerful orgasm.

Yooo isn’t as tiny as some of the clitoral vibrators that exist but its design does hug the body and I can squeeze my thighs about it to hold it on place. If you’re a thigh squeezer, you might enjoy the Yooo simply for that fact.

Yooo at Babeland

4 Comments


L’Amour™ Premium Silicone Massager – Passion “G”

April 14th, 2011

Can I be honest here?

Cal Exotics should take a cue from some of the boutique companies that make few toys but make them well. CEN just keeps pumping out toy after toy and I can’t even tell them apart anymore. The L’Amour™ Premium Silicone Massager – Passion “G” is highly reminiscent of the Couture Collection, the name is a mouthful and a bitch to search for on their site. In short, there is absolutely nothing remarkable about this vibrator except for the fact that it uses 2 AAs, something I am glad to see because I am strictly anti-AAA battery.

The box and website describe a “[c]ontemporary intimate high quality massager” that features 7 functions of vibration, pulsation, and escalation while remaining quiet. The functions are easy to use: one button is a dedicated power switch while the other cycles through the settings. A light appears by the buttons when the toy is on to help you see but why it is red is beyond me. A nice white would better match and appeal to my sense of aesthetics.

In terms of shape of size, it’s a rounded, typical insertable vibrator. There are some grooves that run lengthwise to offer additional stimulation but sort of just look like the mold was mis-shapen. The plastic base and buttons are white with silvery details. The shaft is straighter than some might like; although, the silicon offers some flexibility. Of course, those you like firm G-spot stimulation might find that to be a hindrance to their enjoyment. The L’amour Passion G is 6.75” in insertable length, with a 1.5” diameter. It’s a decent, mid-sized vibrator that isn’t overly intimidating. The soft blue is also quite welcoming in appearance.

Like every other CEN toy I’ve ever seen, this one is waterproof. That usually doesn’t win me over, though. I’m not much for playing in the bathroom but, if you are, this might be a plus. This is also a characteristic that all the non-rabbit, L’amour vibrators seem to share and none of the shapes are necessarily varied enough that I would recommend one over the other. Like every other vibrator, CEN states this is quiet. Whisper quiet? I think not. You don’t need to hold it to your ear to hear it. Will it wake the neighbours? No but.. eh.

The price point for this entire line also seems ridiculously high. You can get a silicone, G-spot vibrator for $10-$15 than the MSRP. For such a basic piece, I couldn’t really recommend this, especially to someone who’s just getting into sex toys. For a few more bucks, you can get something rechargeable by Fun Factory.

Maybe I’m just super jaded but the L’amour Passion G is just utterly forgettable. I don’t see why California Exotics needs two lines of remarkably similar silicone vibrators.

CEN Sexpert

2 Comments