Just no.

February 16th, 2011

Lately, I suppose I’ve been using up all my wit on cute, geeky boys. I want to be witty here as I tell you about my experiences on dating websites. I’ve made some funny stories and experienced some disappointment and, even though I have a specific topic in mind for this post, I have no idea how I want to start. Regardless, there is a trend I have noticed when browsing online dating profiles. People like to say this

I am outside the norm.

or maybe

If you want something not so normal.

I think you see where I’m going with this. These people are advertising that there is something about themselves they they–and likely society at large–would describe as different. This may have worked against them in terms of past relationship and dating experiences. At least, that’s the feel I get when I read these profiles. I sometimes get a clue that this is a really interesting person, one whom I’d like to get to know better and, if that’s the case, I usually do instigate some sort of correspondence. After all, some would argue that I, too, am a little outside the norm and perhaps some people are just better appreciated by kindred souls.

That’s all well and good, whatever.

What isn’t well and good is when the guise of “outside the norm” reveals something quite undesirable in a potential mate. Like the fact that this person does not believe in using periods when typing. Or showering. Or that this person is a murderer or likes to “see girls cry” (I kid you not! This was in someone’s profile and included absolutely zero context!).

I suppose it could be semantics? I mean, what is normal? What is a little outside the norm? What qualifies as bat-shit fucking crazy anyway? And who is this crazy, sex blog geek, cat-obsessed girl to judge?

The definition of “normal” that I use at any given time is something that is relatively recognizable as in line with the American dream. Growing up, starting a family, working, contributing to society. There are many ways you can personalize this to your slightly-outside-the-norm preferences and still fall somewhere around the box–at least to most outsiders. Not that you should have to but that’s sort of what I’m looking for and probably along the lines of what others who are using dating sites may have in mind, too.

But the thing about making a profile is, you’re supposed to sell yourself and if language and grammar aren’t your forte, you better open a dictionary and learn how to use spaces between your sentences. Seriously. Coming off as someone who is confusing, inconsistent or creepy may help you find your true love or scare off a bunch of potential mates.

After communicating with some of the undesirable, not-normal fellows, I have really come to appreciate how it is that people use those types of terms to describe themselves. Some people really are worth the time and others, unfortunately, use code words to hide the ugly truth. It’s like all that MySpace picture chart or any blog post that defines what certain key words mean in communication. And perhaps that is simply one of the drawbacks of searching for my next potential relationship. There’s a lot of crap to wade through before, hopefully, I find something worth my time.

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Heat

February 9th, 2011

It is less than freezing out but I do not feel the chill. The heat emanates from my body, seeps and breathes from between my legs. The heat pools around my thighs and cheeks as I squirt, for the first time in what seems like eons. It collects in the blanket below me and flows through layers of fabric to the mattress itself. Silicone and plastic have become impossibly warm from my body. My heat is strong and impervious. I am insatiable and heat spreads throughout my body as I am pushed over the edge by his words. Images fill my mind and inspiration has taken on a life of its own, so real that I can almost taste it and feel it: heat.

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Lights Outs Glow Shower Gel Raspberry

February 8th, 2011

Lights Outs Glow Shower Gel Raspberry

Lights Outs Glow Shower Gel Raspberry

You can no longer purchase this product.

If you’ve ever thought “I want to glow in the dark” or “I bet it would be cool to shower with no lights on” or if you’re just a dork, like I am, then this product might interest you. You’ll probably have to ignore the fact that the entire design is reminiscent of mini-golf courses or Chuck E Cheese but, who wouldn’t with glow in the dark body wash?!

First things first. In the image, this appears white. It’s really not. The raspberry scent is a very pale, sickly looking pink. I could do with something a little prettier but I don’t know how realistic that is, given the glow in the dark properties.

Second, this bottle is pretty damned small. The Exotic Fruit Show Gel by Shunga is exponentially larger. This is a problem when you consider how poorly this product lathers. It’s super thin and washes away so easily that I always have to reapply to my bath poof. The bottle is almost half gone after only two weeks or so of use.

Thirdly, the raspberry scent is very unsophisticated. It’s not the subtle and finely crafted scent that I prefer. Rather, it’s run of the mill and too heavy because it’s not really good. Read: cheap.

But, it does glow in the dark. After sitting in the light (my bathroom has a window so this occurs all day), the bottle will turn a light green and cast off light. It’s pretty neat and makes finding your bath products easier if, you know, the power is out. Once you start to lather, however, this quickly disappears. You can’t make any glow in the dark hand prints on your mirror or chase people around like a ghost. This is kind of a failure, in my opinion. Who wants the glowy fun to end?

So, I will be retiring this bottle until such time as I a) run out of good body wash (Skinny Dip Shower Gel is a better product) or b) plan to shower with no lights on or c) just wanna show it to someone. Not using it is the only way you’ll get your money’s worth anyway.

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Breaking Out

February 2nd, 2011

Although it has been several months since my divorce and even longer since I really communicated with my ex, I am still surprised at how affected I remain to be by him. I have gained much insight into myself, his self and us as a couple and, perhaps, I thought I had gained all that I could from the situation. But, even now, I discover things that I would not have discovered if only because I was too close to the situation.

Lately, I am re-examining myself and the impression I have developed, which was frequently based on how he saw or treated me. My latest realization focuses on the fact that, frequently, he was not describing me or seeing me as I was but he was seeing things through a filter that had everything to do with him and little with me. One thing I have come to consider is that perhaps I am not the God-awful bitch that he described me as. Perhaps he said those things and looked at me in that way because he was an unpleasant individual and, while uncomfortable with this, was unable or unwilling to change the fact.

Lately, people have commented on my sweetness and I have had a hard time accepting this. After all, I could not be sweet, could I? Not if the person I loved always called me a bitch. I couldn’t be. I could not be the things if he did not see me as those things. And he didn’t. Why would I have questioned him? But time and space has left me questioning him and the way he treated me. No longer am I questioning myself and my own value. No, I am finding self confidence and assurance that I am a worthwhile person and much of this is due to the fact that others are taking the time to tell me that I am sweet or otherwise boost my self esteem. I would be remiss to forget to mention the truly wonderful people who have, indirectly, motivated me to discover these recent insights.It is people treating me like I am worthy and the knowledge that I deserve no less than that, that has brought me here and I am sure insights will continue to come to me.

The moral of the story is that even really smart girls can develop a fucked up complex because of douchebags.

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Madeleine Lace Halter Chemise Plus Size

January 31st, 2011

Madeleine Lace Halter Chemise Plus Size

Madeleine Lace Halter Chemise Plus Size

Ah, another Seven Til Midnight piece, you might ask? Yes, indeed. I just love the style of their babydolls and chemises (if you follow me on Twitter, you may have noticed that I pimped out their new items, too!) But all was not love with the Madeleine Lace Halter Chemise as this is simply a case of what-you-see-is-not-exactly-what-you get. You see, in real life, without double-sided tape and strategically placed lighting and picture-perfect proportionate curves, this chemise simply does not make the cut. Here’s a break down of my complaints.

In photographs, the chemise seems a dark, red-hued purple and the print almost appears textured or velvety. In real life, the colour is blue-hued and much lighter. This is not altogether bad but the black floral pattern contrasts more than it does in pictures and the color just isn’t that which I love. Furthermore, the black floral print is not simply against a solid purple background. There is a tinier print going on in the background that is honeycomb-like and absolutely hideous. You cannot see it at all in the picture and, I think, that if this alone were changed, I would like the chemise much more. It just seems so busy and the design is far less sophisticated than pictures would have you believe. I wouldn’t have purchased the Madeleine Lace Halter Chemise if I had had the chance to see it, in person, first.

Chemise Pattern

In photographs, the three ribbons that stretch over the cleavage look hot. In real life, the halter styled top really offers no support and as my breasts tend to fall outward, the piece just kept stretching. I looked much flatter than I actually am. A bra remedies this but who wants to wear a bra with her chemise? Additionally, even my C cups felt ridiculously heavy as the halter pulled down against my neck and it was nearly impossible to find a good length at which to tie it and to duplicate that tying length when wearing it on different occasions. So, to make this work, I’d imagine you’d need Ds or DDs but I wouldn’t want to deal with the strain on your neck. Some supportive stitching wouldn’t hurt because this piece really has no shape.

In photographs, the corset-y ribbon that laces across the back is sophisticated and naughty but, in my experience, this isn’t the case. I guess my ribcage is simply too small for the queen size (odd…) but I wound up pulling the ribbon so that the back of the chemise nearly touched in the center of my back. Otherwise, it was too loose but this caused it to bunch up where the ribbon crisscrossed. In addition to this, I had quite the long length of ribbon left over and it looked sloppy, instead of falling daintily. I may try tying the ribbon at the bottom, to better fit my shape, however. Again, it was difficult to tie–without help–so that it was attractive.

In photographs, the model doesn’t have a spare tire. She’s super proportionate. In reality, this chemise doesn’t pull you in and the length makes it obvious if you have extra weight in the middle or, if like me, your ribs like to stick the fuck out. It’s much better suited for someone who is straight throughout the midsection than I am.

But let’s take a look at some of the positive of this piece. The polyester/spandex blend is silky and cool against the skin. The stitching between the elastic and the fabric (around the back edges) or the lace around the neck and hemline and the fabric is superb. This will definitely hold up if you hand wash in cold water as the tag suggests but would probably even be safe in the washer on the gentle cycle. All the elastic is well sewn and there’s no fraying to be seen. The same is true for the ribbon, which is pretty run of the mill but the extra length makes it easy to customize the fit–if you have the patience.

The included thong fits well and is well made. Like the other chemise and thong set I reviewed from this manufacturer, the front panel matches the chemise while the straps are a stretchy black material that is comfortable and secure without cutting into my skin. It’s something I would wear–and have worn–under street clothes and has held up fine with washing.

I enjoy that Seven Til Midnight uses silky tags on their products instead of the scratchy, white ones that most clothes contain. The tags are bright pink, so can probable be seen through Madeleine Lace Halter Chemise and matching thong but they’re kind of stylish and allude to the fact that this is a good brand.

Madelein Chemise This is technically a set as it included a blindfold, featuring the same patterned material, detailed with lace and secured by straps. This is completely dysfunctional and only looks good in the pictures because the model is holding it so that it stretches vertically and actually looks like a blindfold. If you just saw it lying around, you would have no idea what this piece of fabric is intended to do. In reality, it bunches up and pulls horizontally so that it becomes really thin and it’s not functional at all. The ribbons do not facilitate a secure fit and the sheerness of the material does not block out much. The best use it for a photo shoot, really.

The Madeleine Lace Halter Chemise is really not just intended for my body size and shape. It would be best for someone who has largest breasts and/or wider ribs, a straight midsection and is taller (I believe). Still, I have to warn you that the pattern is not nearly as attractive in person as it in in photographs.

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Shower Gel Exotic Fruit

January 24th, 2011

Perhaps it is appropriate that my previous review was for a very well known manufacturer of sensual, erotic goods as is the case for the manufacturer of the Shower Gel in Exotic Fruit. Shunga is a brand that I’ve heard rave things about but never had a chance to try. After all, what’s a single girl going to do with all those massage products? (Seriously, I have so much!) But anyone can enjoy shower gel–and enjoy I have.

This bottle is huge (16 ounces)! Easily beats out all my other shower products in size, save for shampoo. While the price point seems a bit high, it’s really not bad when you consider how much you’re getting in the bottle and how long it’s likely to last.

It comes in the typical, cylindrical bottle that shampoos use and has a push-top opening. Squeezing the bottle releases the shower gel, which is a red color (it matches my shower poof perfectly!) but still translucent. It’s quite silky on the skin and leaves mine feeling smooth and moist. I usually suffer from dry elbows in the winter air but this hasn’t been the case while using this shower gel.

I’m not sold that the scent is exactly “exotic.” It’s quite banana-berry to me but others may disagree. It’s pleasant enough but not really overpowering. I don’t really notice if it lingers on my skin but, then again, I don’t go around sniffing my skin. d=

I do wish the bottle were slightly more discreet, however. The image of the man and women in some sort of pool of water, all naked and such, while not exactly rated X, is something I’d want to tuck away if I had visitors. I don’t but, you know..

Interesting enough, this product is billed as made from edible products but I have yet to taste it because the idea of suds on my tongue is a major turn off. I think others might enjoy this but I’d rather use it to soap up myself, my lover and squish around against one another.

[edit]
After writing this, I did take the time to taste it. It’s sweet and not awful but I feel super weird licking soap.

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Ooh, I want you, I don’t know if I need you

January 24th, 2011

My roommate says that I think too much about sex and, I do (but I don’t put too much weight on her words because she is quite the asexual creature). I think even more about sex when I’m entertaining the new idea of new romantic prospects–and I have been. It’s hard not to imagining jumping into bed with hot geeks and it’s even harder not to bring up sex, even if we have only been talking a short time, because I want to ensure that the sexual chemistry exists. I suppose this tendency just goes to show how important sex is to me in a relationship, at least in the beginning. I think I am talking to someone to whom sex is not the end-all, be-all of intimate interactions and it’s really different for me. It’s not that I don’t appreciate it, because I do but he’s so damned adorably sexy that the tension is nearly driving me insane.

I imagine this will be just one of many boy crazy posts to grace this blog in the near future. I’m putting the “love” back in, bitches.

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