Sex Toy Reviews

Below you’ll find all of the sex toy reviews I’ve written at Of Sex and Love. Find my opinions on vibrators, dildos, media (sex education books, porn, DVDs and erotica), bondage and BDSM gear, lingerie,  anal toyslube, massage products, and more!

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Coochy Shave Cream – Island Paradise

October 3rd, 2018

I’ve been a fan of Coochy shaving products for a while. Despite the name, I use them to shave just about any part of my body that I shave.

Recently, the makers of Coochy Creme, Classic Erotica, overhauled the line. The designs are now more modern and sleek.

They also switched from pump bottles to tubes in 3 different sizes (12.5 ounces, 7.2 ounces, 3.4 ounces) and introduced new scents. The lineup includes;

  • Green Tease
  • Au Natural (fragrance-free)
  • Be Original
  • Floral Haze
  • Sweet Nectar
  • Frosted Cake

I was getting to the end of a bottle of Frosted Cake, so I decided to switch things up and try the Island Paraside scent (after much deliberation because several items on that list seem enjoyable. Of course, there’s also a scentf-free option if that’s more up your alley.

According to the description, this scent is

 Infused with juicy acai berries & sensually sweet mangosteen, you’ll discover and uncover the many wonders of this fragrance.

Sounds nice.

I actually found the scent to be overwhelming when I first used it. There was a strong citrus smell of mangosteen that was almost bitter. However, I realized it’s due to the poor airflow in my shower. Bath products often don’t get to waft in the air in a way that makes them pleasant.

I took this shaving cream with me when I spent the weekend out of town, and I realized that I really enjoyed the fruity smell in a place where the air moved a little better. Of course, it is a strong smelling product, so keep that in mind.

This doesn’t’ take away from its performance in any way. Coochy Cream makes for a slick, easy shave. The difference between cream and no cream is noticeable in comfort and closeness. It’s not so slick that it gets in the way of using my razor, an issue that I’ve experienced in the past. And the thick cream stays in place pretty well as long as it’s not directly in the stream of water.

I’ve never had any Cooch products irritate my skin, and this is the case with this new scent, and they’re moisturizing (likely due to the jojoba seed oil) enough that I rarely experience itching after I shave (although, dry skin has never really been a concern of mine). If you prefer using direct coconut oil for things like shaving, Coochy might not be up to par.

Other products seem to clog up my razor more than Coochy, too. I would make a point to rinse off your blades if you use the type of multiple blades close together, but that’s smart regardless.

All of my legitimate complaints with this tube of Coochy cream are about the packaging, honestly. SheVibe sent me Island Paraside in the 12.5-ounce container, and it is a larger tube than I am used to. Of course, I managed to drop it on only my third or so use, and the hard plastic cap broke. I suspect a smaller container would not hit the floor as hard.

The large size also means it’s not super travel-friendly; although, you might simply get a smaller travel container to put some in.

Aside from that, I do prefer my shaving cream to come with a pump and plan to transfer the contents of this tube to an old bottle of Coochy cream so I can use the pump — unfortunately, it looks like they’re just not making Coochy cream in pump bottles anymore. I find that having a pump enables me to portion out my use more consistently.

Although you’d think a larger tube of shaving cream would mean it lasts longer, I actually find myself using much more products with larger containers. And the sheer amount of product means quite a bit comes out at once.

This is not a deal-breaker, however. And one of the perks of the larger size is a better overall price.

But if you’re not sure if Coochy is for you of if you can commit to so much product, you can try out any of their scents in the 3.4-ounce tubes, including Island Paradise. I’ve also seen sample packets around.

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GVibe 2

September 26th, 2018

Gvibe 2 $99.90 from GVibe

Sometimes you just have to try a toy with a new feature or design to see if it will work. It’s difficult to tell when there’s something so different about a toy that you cannot compare it to other experiences. That was how it went for me and the G-vibe 2. It was only exacerbated by the fact that this vibrator with its unique shape was advertised as a way to accomplish to many goals. Alas, I should have known. No sex toy can do it all. And that’s not even a bad thing. Having one vibrator that works better clitorally and one that’s another G-spotter isn’t offensive in any way.  Sometimes a toy shines simply because it does one thing really well. The Gvibe 2 is not this toy. And it’s because of the shape. This vibrator has a regular base, but the shaft split off in two not unlike a peeled banana. Ideally, this creates a whole new way of using a vibrator, and Fun Toys would absolutely have you believe this. For me, however, the G-vibe falls into the realm of toys that can do multiple things but fail to do singular things well. You can insert it and use the other side to stimulate your clitoris or perineum. But the thickness toward the vertex means you can’t really situate the arm where you might like it nor can you ben it toward your body. The G-vibe also doesn’t provide adequate pressure for me clitorally, either. But I want clitoral stimulation to feel like I am trying to turn coal into diamonds.

I also struggled — in vain — to insert both arms, each of which is just over 1-inch wide at the widest point. This turned out to be futile. If I had another hand myself or perhaps was working with a partner, it might have worked. But I could not for the life of me squeeze the two arms close enough together to insert them both vaginally. I think it’s possible, but not easy. I definitely go for easy.

With that said, Fun Toys offers a few more suggestions via illustrations on their site, including:

  • Placing the arms on either side of the penis, ostensibly for stroking up and down
  • Inserting one arm anally while stimulating the testicles with the other
  • Inserting one arm vaginally and the other anally

Gvibe

There are a couple images that indicate the split between the arms is much wider than it is or, at the very least, that the two arms are longer than they are. There are only about 3.25 inches from the outer tip to tip of the arms when they sit naturally apart. And they’re only about 3.5 inches long from where they fork apart.

In one image, the toy is stimulating two genitals at the same time while the butts press close together. How you gunna do that with just over three inches of leeway? And anyway, the shaft beneath the split arms is about the sam length but a complete waste of space because you can’t do anything with it. LEt’s continue breaking down all the ways you can use this vibrator according to the lovely diagram above.

In the other, a person is holding the G-vibe under their jaw while giving a blowjob. The idea is interesting and might feel good for the receiver. But I suspect that your face or jaw will absorb many of the vibrations and didn’t test this at all my sticking fingers into my own mouth while awkwardly holding the vibrating under my jaw. No wait, I totally did. And felt nothing.

Finally, there’s an image of a woman holding the G-vibe to her chest with the tips of either arm stimulating each nipple. But her (imagined) anatomy is nothing at all like my own. If I hold the G-vibe against my chest — even perpendicular and forcing the arms as far apart as I can, the arms press into the inner swell of my breasts. Without spreading them, it just sits between them (one suggestion is placing the vibe between your breasts while someone titty fucks you, but it seems as though they forget about the fundamental law of gravity). Now, I realize that my ribcage forces my breasts outward (so annoying!), but what the hell person has nipples that are only 3.5 inches apart?!

The better option would be to cradle a single nipple between the arms. But having tried this, I can’t stay it does much to me. I felt more stimulation when I lightly held a single arm to the tip of one my nipples than when placed it toward the vertex. The freedom of the arms to vibrate freely is key here. But if you like vibration on your nipples, a bullet vibe might do it just as well.

Fun Toys offers a suggested use of holding the G-vibe lower than the testicles to stimulate from either side, which might work better.

If you’re a lover of clit stim, as you all know that I am, then you can hold it upside down above your clit with either the arms spread or pressed together with your hand. Again, neither of these are ideal. If I’m gripping the arms with one hand, I’ll need a second to press buttons, or I’ll need to pause stimulation to use that hand to do so. And I pretty much loathe when I have to break clit contact to switch settings on a toy.

So we’re left with several of the options suggested by Fun Toys being impossible and at least one more being possible but impractical. One is underwhelming. I can assume that not all of the options won’t appeal to every user, to begin with. What if you find a position that you like. Perhaps there’s redemption to be found yet? The vibrations of the Gvibe 2 are what I would call gentle and buzzy. I am sure some people would enjoy them and the handful of pulsating and escalating settings. I am not one of those people. If you do enjoy the vibrations, you can get 4 hours on one charge (the magnetic charger reminds me of Fun Factory’s charger system) according to Fun Toys. The Gvibe 2 I received is still going and I haven’t even charged it yet! Of course, I haven’t been motivated to use it more than twice because it just does nothing for me. It’s not like one of those vibrators that will get me off with a lot of work. No amount of work will reward me with an orgasm with this toy. I do, however, enjoy the buttons. The buttons are slightly raised with embossed symbols, so you can easily find them. They make an audible click when you press them, which I’ve always prefered. The three buttons are intuitive. If you were to insert one arm with the other against your clitoris, the buttons would face up, and you could comfortably hold this toy with a finger or two within the handle and your thumb on the buttons. I also like the silky smoothness of the silicone of this vibrator. Although, it does collect a lot of lint and fur. I cannot complain about the characteristics o the material, however. At least it’s body safe. GVibe 2 falls in line with a number of modern vibrators that mimic Lelo’s luxury aesthetic — especially those in the Insignia line. The build quality seems good, and it’s sleek. But where it counts, this toy just falls short.

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Mini Marvels Marvelous Massager

September 16th, 2018

I’ll be honest. I thought all the vibrators in the Mini Marvels line looked dinky, a word I used to describe a toy in a review from a decade ago – and one a little more recently! I was looking for any reason to try a toy in this line, however, because of the comic book-inspired packaging. After I read Dizzy Girl’s favorable review of the Teaser, I decided to try one.

I thought perhaps that the Marvelous Massager was best suited for my masturbatory preferences, and SheVibe shipped it my way.

Cal Exotics attempted to create a line of toys that fit into your hand almost intuitively, and this is one of the things that initially attracted me to the line when I came across it in Dizzy’s review. The finger location of the Teaser, however, seems a little more natural; although, even Dizzy Girl mentioned having to hold the toy in a way other than was intended by the design because she’s human. As am I

Despite other reviewers finding the Marvelous Massager, in particular, to be comfortable to hold, I could not disagree more. In fact, I was surprised to hear anyone describe this thing as easy to hold. As it turns out, I was holding it wrong. See, I require a lot of clitoral pressure when I masturbate, and I want to hold the Marvelous Massager with the thinner end toward my mons, so I get more pressure from the thicker end. Of course, the valleys for my fingers don’t work at all in that position.

Even when I turn the toy around, it still doesn’t seem to be designed well. Keeping your fingers between the “fins” prevents you from bending them at all. I probably have arthritis in my hands, and simply placing my fingers inside the slots for less than a minute leaves my knuckles feeling a bit stranger for a while. Not necessarily painful, but just a reminder of how damn awkward the position was. Were the handle portion narrow like the Teaser, it might fit more comfortably.

But there’s another issue. The Mini Marvels seem like they might simply be better for someone whose hands do not fit into gloves meant for children. In Mizz Jezebella’s photos, her fingers extend far longer than mine, and her knuckles sit differently within the finger valleys.

Finally, you can’t push the buttons with the same hand that’s using the vibrator

I think a solution to my issues, aside from having hands that function at 100%, would simply to make the fins that line that finger valleys much more flexible. A couple of bloggers call them flexible in their reviews but.. eh.. not really. You’d certainly think the fins would be more flexible than they are. That would give my fingers more room to “breathe” and, I suspect, make holding the Marvelous Massager much more comfortable (especially if they extended further from the center of the toy). Plus, this would allow a greater range of people to use this toy.

CalExotics obviously designed the Marvelous Massager — and perhaps all of the toys in the Mini Marvels line — with (cis) women in mind. They’re ideal for lithe fingers and, in fact, the illustrations included with the Marvelous Massager do not depict human fingers. Perhaps they’re some sort of alien appendages. I don’t know if CalExotics has invented finger shaming, but it’s ridiculous.

As is, my fingers seem pretty standard width. They’re not remarkably slender or wide. But anyone with meatier fingers, and definitely cis men would find the Marvelous Massager nigh on impossible to use as intended.

You can always use the toy more in the palm of your hand than with your fingers in the grooves. The shape of the Marvelous Massager means that I still can’t acquire the pressure that I prefer. I like the side that makes contact to protrude more. Lelo Siri 2Lelo’s Siri does this a bit. So does the Fun Factory Laya Spot. It allows me to grind the toy into my vulva. I can’t do this with this toy, however.

That leaves us at vibrations. I’ve seen some toys that are surprisingly powerful despite their size and toys that have vibrations as weak as they are small. The Marvelous Massager falls somewhere in between. It’s perhaps stronger than you might think given the design, but it’s a far cry from marvelous. Perhaps the broad bottom of this toy is less than ideal for distributing vibrations. I don’t necessarily want something pinpoint, but it’s just a bit too diffuse for me. I tried using the vibrator on its side, but that’s not an ideal solution, either.

There are 7 settings aside from constant vibration. By now, my readers probably know that I’m not down with these settings. They seem lackluster per usual.

One thing I do like is that the two buttons (power and cycling through settings) are raised. These didn’t show up well in my photos, but they’re easy to find with your fingers. Of course, the position doesn’t make perfect sense. I wonder if CalExotics could have managed to put them more on the sides like some computer mouses have buttons. Or even make it squeezable from the sides. Combining this with the Minna Limon would make an interesting little toy.

Aside from issues I’ve covered, you might care to know that the Marvelous Massager is waterproof and recharges via USB. For those who desire more power, you’re only going to get 30 minutes out of this vibrator (2 hours on low setting, however). This seems laughable compared to some vibrators and especially when you consider that it needs 2.5 hours to charge. I drained the toy on my first use. It looks like the entire line uses the same motor, so I wouldn’t use this as your only toy if you enjoy marathon sessions.

I suppose I cannot help but wonder if the shape of the Marvelous Massager is my biggest issue. Would I have preferred the Teaser? Betty Butch doesn’t recommend the Flicker for pressure, either. I am quickly running out of options here. I think I’m just out of luck.

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Happy Down Below: Everything You Want to Know About the Penis and Other Bits

September 10th, 2018

I spent an awful lot of time learning — and teaching about — female genitalia. I talk about where it is, what it does, how it works, and how to interact with the various bits and bobbles. Like most aspects of human sexuality, a (cis) woman’s sexuality, is ignored. So I feel there’s a good reason for me to harp about vulvas and vagina, clitorises and cervixes, and everything in between.

Despite more attention being paid to the penis, its testicular friends, and the neighboring prostate, there’s a wealth of knowledge that is unknown (perhaps forgotten), and I came face to face with it in Happy Down Below, a book about the penis by German urologist Dr. Oliver Gralla. I was continually surprised by what I learned in this book. It was the type of knowledge you can only glean through an active career in your field, and the good doctor shares the knowledge-through-experience he’s had treating UTIs, infertility, erectile dysfunction, foreskin, and other topics.

Happy Down Below starts strong, with Dr. Gralla writing about how little most (cis) men know about their penises. Phew, at least it’s not just me.

However, the book slowed down a bit as the doctor introduced the reader to the penis, which included information about average sized (old news pour moi), the definition of and possible solutions to having a micropenis, and a rundown of all the parts. Toward the end of the chapter are sections on spots, warts, and other unwanted conditions of the penis. This first chapter is somewhat confusingly arranged, and it left me wondering what the actual point of it was. At nearly 50 pages, the first chapter is lengthy, and it could easily have been split up for clarity of theme.

Peppered throughout this book are stories from Dr. Gralla’s career or his colleagues’. The stories range from unbelievable (patients inserting ball bearings into their urethra until they fill the bladder) to grotesque (doctors using parts of corpses to enlarge the penis and patients injecting caulk into their penises). These stories appear almost immediately in Happy Down Below, which help to break up some of the older information or drive home a point that the author is making.

These anecdotes weren’t enough to keep me enthralled through the confusing first chapter; although, things perked up as Dr. Gralla discussed prostate issues that are often kept in the dark. I was especially struck by the fact that most elderly men will die with prostate cancer that has never been detected or interfered in their lives. The doctor makes pragmatic arguments about when and how to treat prostate issues, and his pragmatic nature plays a large role in his work and this book. For example, there are times when he admits to treating patients suffering from psychological issues about their sexual performance with drugs that have no effect, beneficial or otherwise, to facilitate the placebo effect. This sort of thing seems bizarre to someone raised in litigious America, but I cannot help but give his doctor credence.

This book picks up in the third chapter, which focuses on women’s urology. Dr. Gralla sees few women, but the ones he does see have typically struggled with consistent UTIs. The book continues to pick up traction as Galla writes about infertility and the couples with whom he has worked. This chapter offers insight into the mistakes people make (steaming your penis multiple times daily will not help you conceive) that decrease fertility how often patients misunderstand doctors and instructions. There was a brief tip about how sex closer to ovulation is more likely to conceive a boy child, which I found interesting.

Of course, it only makes sense that a book like this includes information about male contraception, but Dr. Gralla only discusses current options such as condoms and vasectomies. It’s interesting to learn about the efficacy of vasectomy reversal, but it would be nice to know what the future might hold, too.

Dr. Gralla does make some good points as he discusses erectile dysfunction, which has an appearance of being on the rise, especially in young men. But this may not be the truth. It’s perhaps easy to forget about the ways that men struggle, but Dr. Gralla has dealt with patients as young as 14 who wanted to better please their lovers. And while I wouldn’t call sexual curiosity a struggle, it certainly leads to problems that were entertaining enough to read (some complete with hydraulic pliers or bolt cutters).

Gralla does due diligence to various methods for dealing with ED before launching into a chapter on premature ejaculation where he similarly relays solutions. By now, the formula is apparent enough that you get a feel for how the chapter on hormones and testosterone will read; explanatory and interesting with a few entertaining tales and a couple of lackluster moments.

If you’re not sold on the educational merits of Happy Down Below, you might like the final chapter, in which Dr. Gralla discusses things that wound up in the orifices of his patients. Lost dildos, tree boughs, matches, and a bladder full of ball bearings all make an appearance here. This chapter is so bad you can’t look away.. if that’s how you react to that sort of thing. It doesn’t follow the formula of the preceding chapters, which I didn’t mind. Dr. Gralla tackles the subject with humor, so Happy Down Below does end on a lighthearted note.

As I read Happy Down Below, I couldn’t help but detect something a bit old-fashioned about Dr. Gralla., especially in his humor He is noticeably from a generation older than mine, and some of his comments highlight over mindsets or reflect cliches and stereotypes that are no longer readily accepted. This bothered me more toward the beginning of the book, but either I became accustomed to it, or it lessened as the book went on. Likely both.

It’s difficult to say who the target audience of this book is. At some parts in Happy Down Below, Dr. Gralla offers advice to readers who might be struggling with the specific issues he’s encountered during his career. At others, his advice is better targeted at medical practitioners. There were points when I simply enjoyed learning new things the way I do when I read any medical/science book. While I think it’s good for books to have a wide audience, sometimes a niche makes it easier to market or just recommend.

I did it enjoy this book for the most part and felt like I learned quite a bit. It was a quick and easy read even if you don’t.

I wouldn’t use it as an encyclopedia, but it wouldn’t hurt to pick up this book if you like books by doctors/professionals about their careers, want to know more about urological health in laymen’s terms than medical jargon, and want to be prepared for possible future complications with your genitals. Happy Down Below would likely be a good book for many (cis) men to pick up; although, I cannot help but wonder whether they would.

You can buy this book on Amazon. At the time of writing this review, there’s a coupon that will automatically be added to your cart!

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Scoop

August 17th, 2018

The last few reviews focused on items that are available to win from my anniversary giveaway, and this post is no different. Well, it’s a little different: it’s not for a book. The focus of this is a newish vibrator from Company Screaming O.

This toy is also a bit of a departure for ScreamingO, a company you may know better for vibrating cock rings that are generally single-use and, well, kind of chintzy. I have used a similar toy exactly once, and that might have been too much. It wasn’t by ScreamingO, but I decided that the concept of the flimsy ring with attached bullet was worth no one’s time. In my head, I associated low-quality rings with a low-quality company.

So what made me change my mind and decide to review the Scoop for Screaming O?

 

  1. The shape really caught my eye. I enjoy clitoral stimulators, but it’s been years since once really did it for me.
  2. Scoop is a rechargeable toy — it’s right there in the tagline.
  3. It’s made from TrueSilicone, which I assumed means silicone (more on that in a bit)
  4. This is not a single-use toy
  5. The price of Scoop is quite affordable (you can currently buy it for $44 from SheVibe!). I know my readers want to know if there are affordable toys that are worth it

I think we can break it down by those points pretty much.

The shape of the Scoop reminds me of a large tongue. It’s much thicker at the base and curves and tapers toward the tip, which is a wide “point.” Scoop looks quite plush, and the silicone is dense. I would hesitate to call it soft because it’s so dense. There’s some give at the tip, but I honestly suspected it to be softer. You can use the Scoop with a lot of pressure without doing any damage, however. A toy such as the Tango feels much sharper when I press it against my body.

However, the Scoop’s shape does fail to really wow me. Perhaps the rounded edge lacks something pinpoint or the density of the tip dulls the pressure and sensation. Another reviewer mentioned using Scoop on its side rather than the tip.

The rounded base makes the Scoop easy to hold, and the single button is just as easy to use. However, it’s near the base in a location that I just don’t love. I actually wish the button was closer to the tip. I don’t know if I am alone in this, but buttons located near the base of toys have almost always been awkward for me.

The Scoop is curious from other vibrators in one way, however: when you press the button to turn it on, it jolts into life after you hold the button. I mean, the vibrator actually seems to jump. It doesn’t take away from use, but it does make the Scoop seem like it lacks a bit of finesse. The vibrations of this toy are moderately rumbly at first.

Scoop has twenty functions, and you need to press the lone button to cycle through each of them. Although you can simply hold the button to turn it off, there’s no easy way to cycle through the settings. And to move past steady vibration, you need to press the button ten times. I have never needed ten separate modes of vibration, and the higher ones are impossibly buzzy and blend together.

I am used to this with vibrators but wish it wasn’t the case. My hand absorbs a lot of the vibrations during use. The vibrations are strongest on the inside of the scoop and not the tip, perhaps because of the density of the silicone. This isn’t the spot I’d imagine most people would press against their sensitive parts. It’s particularly awkward for clitoral use but could work for nipple stimulation.

  • Slow pulsation
  • Pulsation that increases in speed until a steady vibration
  • Medium pulsation
  • Medium-fast pulsation
  • Zippy pulsation followed by a trill
  • Fastest pulsation
  • Long pulsation
  • Short, fast pulsation that almost feels steady
  • Medium pulsation followed by steady vibration
  • A number of medium pulsation followed by two bursts of the fast pulsation that almost feels steady

These all seem similar to describe, and they feel that way, too. Y’all know that I’ve never been a huge fan of settings, but someone who enjoyed them would likely find them too similar and be annoyed by having to press the button the Scoop twenty times to get to a single one. It would be nice if Scoop remembered the last-used setting.

According to the description, you can get an hour’s use out of the Scoop. I didn’t time it, exactly. It’s in that range. But there’s a definite loss of power as it happens. Some vibrators do promise longer use time, however. I also find the charger finicky. Scoop is like a few vibrators that simply have a hole in the silicone that covers the port and makes the toy waterproof. The plug doesn’t always line up (you’ll know because the LED lights up), and it usually takes me two attempts to line it up. Not a huge deal, but a little annoying.

My next concern is one shared by many: what the hell is True Silicone™? If it’s actually silicone, how is it trademarked — and why? Many toy lovers and bloggers are tired of the gimmicks. Screaming O sent me a data sheet that showed at True Silicone had been tested by a lab, but I was still curious. So I lit it on fire or, rather, I tried. The Scoop passed the flame test without a mark. I just wish ScreamingO was more transparent.

Despite some of my qualms about the Scoop, I think it is a decent option, especially at under $50. It’s not perfect, and it takes a lot to get me off with the Scoop. I think this is mostly a shape issue, and I now wonder if perhaps the Moove might be a better toy for me shape-wise. At the very least, I would be open to trying other ScreamingO toys, so I think the company is headed in the right direction (if stumbling there).

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Sex Q&A by Anne Hooper

August 7th, 2018

Sex Q&A
$8.75 from Amazon

Sex Q&A is aptly named because the format, other than a few asides, in-depth tutorials and quizzes, is simply question-and-answer. A quick Google of Anne Hooper shows that she has been a columnist for several outlets including Cosmo and the Daily Mail. Ms. Hooper’s introduction states that the questions in the book are based on the many questions she’s received as a columnist; although, some of them could very well be reprints. It does seem as though the questions in Sex Q&A are specifically worded to hit on a variety of sexuality subjects.

This book is split into eight chapters, each of which ends in a quiz that tests your knowledge and skills about the subject of that chapter: sex in relationships, questions men ask, questions women ask, sex when you’re single, spicing up your sex life, pregnancy and beyond, questioning your sexuality, and your sexual health.

As I mentioned, each chapter ends with a sort of skills test. It’s all very Cosmo, but I didn’t find it particularly revealing. In fact, I skipped right over the quizzes. Some people might find them entertaining or perhaps useful if they’re struggling with sex in their relationship or are less well versed in this subject than I am.

Most sections also have a “Case history” or two where Anne describes specific problems experienced by couples or individuals and how the general advice can specifically be applied. But some of these cases don’t show how the advice actually helped; they’re just Ms. Hooper describing what could help. Without proof of improvement, the advice can seem a little weak,

Although printed nearly 20 years ago, Sex Q&A manages to be ahead-of-its-time in some ways. It’s incredibly sex-positive, accepting of casual sex and masturbation, and pretty body-positive, too. It’s not homophobic, and Anne does a good job at answering questions about what is “normal.” She recommends a variety of sexual activities and doesn’t just focus on the man’s pleasure like so many sources. Anne also mentions science and theories about science that have only recently come across my radar. They certainly would have been new to be 17 years ago!

But Sex Q&A isn’t perfect. First, I would have liked a dedicated section on kink. Ms. Hooper does mention some kinky activities and related concepts such as contracts and negotiation, but she doesn’t explicitly introduce certain ideas or tools. For example, she casually mentioned caning during a section on impact play without discussing how many consider caning to be a more extreme form of impact play. I think she could have recommended a paddle or flogger that might have been more beginner-friendly, especially because the target audience of Sex Q&A doesn’t seem to be especially kinky.

Similarly, I would have liked to see more information on toy and lube safety as those two topics have come a long way since the early 2000s. Aside from recommending them in general and advising against using oils with condoms, Anne doesn’t include a lot of specifics. She does try to define a fewtypese of toys, but it doesn’t seem incredibly inclusive, and there’s so much more information to be had these days. One thing I note, in particular,r is how Ms. Hooper defines a clitoral stimulator only as a part of cock ring and not as a standalone toy.

Although it’s not homophobic, it certainly is cis-normative. The assumption is that men are having sex with women, and they’re cisgendered. I realize that there has been a lot of advancement in the last two decades, however. For the time, I’m sure those conservative attitudes were pretty contemporary. Sex Q&A is also dated. For example, more recent research has cast a shadow of doubt over the significance of testosterone on sex drive, and most people now consider the G-spot as part of the clitoris. These answers could use some clarification.

There are a few topics that were all the rage when this book was published but proved to be fads since then: penis piercings and autofellatio, among them. The distinct lack of information on the contraceptive sponge is also indicative of the time when this book was printed.

Despite being a bit dated, Sex Q&A is full of a lot of information. Because it runs the gamut, Sex Q&A is not ideal for everyone. But the generalized advice would be great as part of a sex ed library or perhaps for young adults and the sexually inexperienced.

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Tell Me What You Want

July 31st, 2018

Tell Me What You Want
$13.99 - $20.99 from Amazon

For the past year — or perhaps it’s closer to two — I’ve been a fan and follower of Psychology of Sex, a website run by PhD Justin Lehmiller. Dr. Lehmiller updates his website with news about recent sexuality research, provides insights into why humans have sex the way we do, and sheds light on older studies, too. If you’re interested in the science of sex but don’t want to read the studies yourself, Dr. Lehmiller does a fantastic job of getting to the point and presenting it in an accessible way.

His work is right up my alley if you couldn’t already tell. When I found out he was releasing a book this summer, I knew I had to read it. I was excited for him and just as excited when I realized I’d have a chance to review it, despite 2018 being a busy year for book reviews.

Dr. Lehmiller’s recently released book is Tell Me What You Want (subtitle: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life). The book is based largely on a 4,000-person survey administered by Lehmiller to Americans about their sexual fantasies. Lehmiller uses his book as a vehicle to explain how common some sexual fantasies are — not to mention fantasizing in general — and to help the reader better fulfill their own desires.

Right from the beginning of the book, Lehmiller reveals results from his survey. The most popular American fantasies include BDSM and group sex scenarios but fewer celebrities than you might have imagined. The introduction whets the reader’s appetite for the numbers while reminding them that this research can be beneficial to their own sex lives. This is followed by a chapter that briefly defines a sexual fantasy and outlines the seven most common themes that Justin found in his survey.

The next chapter takes an in-depth look at those categories with multipartner sex, BDSM (including consensual nonconsent) and novelty/adventure being so common that he describes them as the three fantasies nearly everyone has. This long chapter continues with the four next-most common sexual fantasy themes: taboos (include voyeurism and exhibitionism), swinging/polyamory/partner sharing, intimacy, and homoeroticism and gender-bending.

Dr. Lehmiller relies on specific comments from people who took his survey to detail the scenarios that played out in their heads. For example, Dr. Lehmiller found that the people who had BDSM fantasies imagined scenarios in which care and consent were significant, not nonconsensual play (which would be abuse). This insight into how common these fantasies are as well as the details that are crucial for enjoyment is fascinating. He explains the different fetishes in a clear way so that readers can follow. I personally think it’s rather calming (although no one would describe me as sheltered or a prude). I think that readers who are not as well-versed in the topic of sexuality would take something out of this book.

I know that I followed intently as Dr. Lehmiller moved into a chapter that explained differences in fantasies between the genders. He touches on the greater range of sexual flexibility that most women exhibit as well as some biological differences between the sexes. Justin also makes a point to explain how societal influences can play out in our fantasies. Some of the sex differences were typical. Yes, women tend to have more passionate and romantic fantasies, but they also fantasize more often about BDSM while men more often fantasize about group sex. Women more often view themselves as a submissive in fantasies than men.

I found Dr. Lehmiller’s conclusions were interesting, too, pointing out that women may be more flexible in their fantasies than men and that women often view themselves as an object rather than a subject when fantasizing. He also explains how taboo fantasies may be more common in men because if their greater propensity toward compulsive sexual behavior. Finally, He’s quick to point out that while one sex may have certain fantasies more frequently, the opposite will frequently share those same fantasies.

Throughout the book, I found the results of this survey intriguing, but Lehmiller includes plenty of information from other sources and previous surveys to support his conclusions and sometimes to contrast the differing survey results. I have nearly 50 bookmarks added, many of which highlight his sources that I wish to examine in the future myself.

The next chapter provides the reader with 15 questions, each of which provides insight into their probably sexual fantasies. The list includes age, gender, sexual orientation, political affiliation, religiosity, sexual dysfunction, sexual assault victimhood, sexual compulsivity, relationship satisfaction, attachment style, “Type A” personalities, extroversion, compassion, stress coping, and self-esteem can also reveal a person’s likely fantasies. You get the feeling that if you revealed just a bit of yourself to Dr. Lehmiller, he could fill in the blanks and make some accurate assumptions about your fantasy proclivities.

I do think that this chapter seemed a bit out of place because the next two focus on who we fantasize about (frequently current or past lovers and celebrities such as Channing Tatum and ScarJo) and the settings of our fantasies (usually less common than activities and participants but still telling). I did find the analysis of how exposure to porn alters our desired fantasy partners (and own bodies) to be quite compelling; although, Lehmiller does not have an anti-porn stance. He simply highlights how it affects the way we view and engage in sex. The results and commentary about how people of different sexual orientations and races approach partners in their fantasies is also telling. It’s really the conclusions that Dr. Lehmiller was able to draw that painted a picture of our larger sexual conscious.

The last few chapters in the book focus on the personal, however, with Lehmiller providing guidance for the reader to express rather than repress their sexual fantasies. He provides advice for communicating fantasies to sexual partners as well as for when acting on those fantasies would not be advised. Dr. Lehmiller emphasizes that the some sexual fantasies are so common that partners may be share them… if they’re just able to talk about them.

In the following chapter, Lehmiller explains how those people who have been able to live out discuss fantasies were by and large able to act them out and enjoyed doing so; although, a few people were met with rejection outright and some did not attain the satisfaction that they expected from engaging in their fantasies. This chapter reads as a pragmatic guide to getting what you really want in bed.

As Lehmiller ends his book, he makes arguments for more comprehensive sex education in America (inspired partly by his trip earlier this year to the Netherlands), open communication about sex, and experimentation as a way to improve relationship satisfaction. Although Tell Me What You Want is about sexuality, the book includes many pieces of advice that would strengthen relationships. He reminds us that porn is not the problem (although it may be a symptom of one), that there is no perfect partner for any of us, and that sometimes our problems are difficult but can still be resolved.

The final chapter in this book reiterates Lehmiller’s calm and logical approach to understanding sexuality and improving sexual satisfaction, which is exemplified on nearly every page of Tell Me What You Want. It’s difficult to disagree with this.

Not only did I find the information in this book to be interesting and useful, but I found Dr. Lehmiller’s casual tone to be approachable and entertaining. Tell Me What You Want was enjoyable to read, never dry or judgmental. He navigates potentially controversial topics thoughtfully. Although I can imagine there are those who would bristle at the results of the fantasy survey — as well as the conclusions that could be drawn from them — Lehmiller takes care to avoid that as much as possible.

If I have one complaint about Tell Me What You Are, it’s that this survey isn’t a representative sample. However, Lehmiller makes it clear that these percentages refer to his sample and not the country or world at large. If he was interested in what I want, I would say that I would love to see the statistical breakdown for at least some of the data. Otherwise, Tell Me What You Want really sated my desire to look inside American’s bedrooms and brains.

And, yes, Dr. Lehmiller does make a reference to the Spice Girl’s song.

If you want to read Tell Me What You Want, you can buy the hardcover, softcover, or Kindle version on Amazon.

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