Wanna Be Dazzling Sparkling Body Lotion

January 30th, 2012

So Classic Erotica sent me the matching body lotion scent to go with my snazzy new body mist because those folks are all a bunch of BAMFs. There’s a lot of the same stuff going on between these two products and that’s a good thing. They smell nearly identical and that’s important to me. I hate buying a product, falling in love with the scent, and buying another in the line up only to find out that it smells completely different. That’s so not the case with the body lotion; although, it might smell slightly more berry-like.

The body lotion is slightly longer lasting, too. I put it on one night and could smell it the next morning. It was a great product to smell as I slept but, even during my waking hours, I find myself always sniffing the lotion.

The packaging is almost the same for the lotion. Pink with a cap. The lotion bottle was locked when I first received it. This is a good feature but the height of the pump is slightly shorter than other pumps and I had a hell of a time turning it to get it unlocked. I definitely will be keeping it “open” from now on,

The lotion is thin enough to work well with a pump bottle but this also means it’s not thick enough to do heavy duty. It’s more cosmetic. It does make my hands feel softer and does last through at least one washing. It also doesn’t simply rub over/around the skin like some lotions. That bugs the crap out of me.

As the name suggest, this one contains little sparkles. They’re harder to notice in the dark but super easy to spot in bright light and outside. Because of this, I will mostly be saving this for a night-time product. I don’t usually wear a lot of glitter during the day. It’s not my thing. On the other hand, your arms and chest can bling out if you apply this there.

But while I like this lotion enough, I don’t love it and the price of nearly $10 for 6-ounces seems a bit outrageous. It’s not widely available yet, either. Perhaps if more retailers carry it — which I would recommend — the price might drop. It may be a slightly cheaper option if you’re a fan of Victoria’s Secret sweet lotions; however, Bodycology offers a pretty sweet smelling vanilla cupcake lotion for less than half the price at Target.

I better end this review, though. Juliettia is going to become HANGRY.


Wanna Be Sexy Flirty Body Mist

January 30th, 2012

When I love a product, it gets a lot of use. I have used the Wanna Be Sexy Flirty Body Mist nearly every day since I received it. That is, to say, it kicks ass. Rather than give you a complete run-down — because we all know what body mist is — here’s the pros and cons you should know.


This body mist smells great. Classic Erotica has ditched the previous and, might I add, not very awesome “Seduction” in place of pink cupcake. It’s sweet and reminiscent of vanilla cake batter but pinker due to the berries. The body mist, however, is slightly more vanilla than berry-like. If you’re not a fan of feminine, young, sweet scents, this is not for you.

The smell lasts. When I first opened the bottle, I sprayed the air in front of me and the smell was powerful and long lasting enough to stay with me as I ran to the store. One pump. Pretty impressive form a body spray. Now that I’ve become more accustomed to it, it doesn’t smell quite so strong to me (others probably notice it more) but every time I enter a new room or environment, the smell wafts up to me and delights my nose. For some reason, it’s easy to smell outside!

A little goes a long way. The pump on this bottle creates a finer mist than others. It’s not as wet, which is a plus by itself, but this means that less sprays out at once. Because the spray is long-lasting, this isn’t a problem and it actually means that it one 6-ounce bottle will go further. In fact, even though I’ve used it almost every day and, most days, multiple times, you can barely tell I’ve opened the bottle!

The bottle clearly states that is is paraben-free, sugar-free and sulfate-free. It’s also made in the USA and not tested on animals. These are some pretty cool qualities because sometimes the sensual health and beauty companies don’t give a crap out chemicals that can possibly irritate or dry skin or ethical issues.

It’s affordable. The per-unit price from the vendors on SexToy.com is slightly cheaper than body sprays from Bath and Body Works and there’s even vendors on Amazon selling it for several dollars cheaper. In my opinion, it’s a much better deal.

The overall design is improved. Classic Erotica has updated its product designs as well as its website, I believe. The new label is pink and girly with curly fonts and swirly hearts. It’s much cleaner and, in my opinion, looks better in person than in product images. The spray has been dyed slightly pink, which looks cute.

The bottle comes with a camp that make it more — but not perfectly — travel friendly. The cap can come of, however.

So what’s slightly less than awesome?

  • It smells a little syrupy at first. It passes, though! You only need to deal with it for a few seconds.
  • It doesn’t need to be pink.
  • It doesn’t last forever.
  • Some people won’t like cupcake scents.
  • I don’t believe in pheremones/think they’re overrated but no one’s complained that I smell like a wild animal or anything. Because I love the scent, I feel more attractive and that’s what counts!

Really, though, if you know yourself to like sweet smells like this, give it a try!


Cake Body Butter

December 28th, 2011

It’s fucking perplexing is what it is. How did TopCo come up with the Cake line of body products? How did they design them so gorgeously? How did they plant the idea into my head that I needed them? And how the hell did they create body butters that smell rancid?

If you don’t live in a barn or Afghanistan, then you know I’ve been wanting to try these products for a while. I did try the lipgloss and it was all right. It didn’t put me off, though! I’ll just try a different product, a different scent. Surely I’ll like some of it?! So I was pretty damned excited when the folks at OurNaughtySecrets scent me not one but three of the body butters. I was all kid-in-a-candy shop when I opened the box because, in my opinion, Topco really struck it out of the park with this line.

The packaging is all feminine colors and cartoon pin-ups, reminiscent of a simpler time. Each scent features a different girl and color scheme. For instance, red velvet is pink and boasts a bosomy blonde who reminds me, ever-so-slightly, of Nancy Drew. Y’know, if she were a bosomy blonde who wanted to suck my cock.

The lotion comes in jars but the jars themselves sit in little cardboard boxes that open from the top, like bakery boxes. Except for the Angel Food Cake. That one has some weird hanging box design that is awkward. Still, the design is cute and the jars themselves have metal lids which already remind me of something you’d find in the kitchen or bakery.

Then you open them up and SWEET MOTHER OF JESUS CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK IS THE ATROCITY I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF THRICE!!!! AAAHHUYTTRFDQWGWQGARGLE! And that is putting it nicely. Something went horribly, horribly, God-awfully wrong with the actual formula. The body butters smell rancid. There’s no other way to put it. I’m not entirely sure that the ingredients didn’t somehow start to ferment as the product sat in a warehouse and on trucks during shipping. Or maybe no one smelled the products after the final testing phase. Either way, it.is.bad.guys.

The weird box for Angel Food Cake

The Devil’s Food cake smells like rancid chocolate. Like you made some pudding, let it rot for a year and a half while you were in a coma, came home and thought “Hey, maybe it’s still good.” It’s not. The red velvet smells startlingly similar; although, it’s more generically sweet and rancid. To be honest, it’s kind of hard to pin down what red velvet actually smells like and I couldn’t even describe the taste but I’m sure this is not it.

The Angel Food doesn’t actually smell rancid. It could be getting there, though. There’s just a hint of something that I don’t like so while I am going to throw away the body butters in the other scents, I will probably try to use this one. Once I put it on, the scent seems much more balanced. It’s got a kind of vanilla/white-cake smell going on but there’s a definite hint of something like hazelnut which doesn’t belong. I had the same complaint about the lip gloss so.. at least they got it wrong consistently? It’s not awful, though, just nuttier than I’d like.

The body butter is thick and whipped. It’s fun. It rubs into the skin nicely, rather than slathering about on top of it, and does leave my skin faster. However, the containers are only about half full. Perhaps Topco meant to only fill it to below the brim but it’s shifted in transit and has moved to only one half of the jar.

So, the jars are super cute and after I empty them, I will definitely want to put stuff in them. Like pennies, except I have this awesome change counting jar. What the hell should I do with the cute containers from the awful atrocities Topco calls Cake?


L’Amour Premium Weighted Pleasure System

July 23rd, 2011

Using vag balls is not quite like riding a bike. Yes, you can lose that skill. I guess the fact the getting back on the horse, or bike as it were, does share one similarity with vag balls: doing it wrong hurts.

Now, I can’t even remember the last time I’d used vaginal balls. It may have been two years. I did credit them with helping me locate my G-spot but I didn’t particularly enjoy using them. However, it’s been long enough that I was willing to jump back into the game when I received my most recent Sexpert assignment. L’Amour Premium Weighted Pleasure System are an awful lot like the vag balls in the Couture Collection and, we all know that I think the two are pretty redundant. The balls themselves are a hard plastic, with an elastic silicone connector and a long (3″ or 4″) silicone retrieval cord. They’re available in pink, purple or blue and while the blue is actually pretty cute, I received pink. The plastic is quite shiny and smooth, although there are raised “stripes” around the length of the oval-esque balls. The raised portion doesn’t feel sharp like a seam, however.

The balls measures about 1.5″ from end to end, length-wise. They seem comparable to other balls I’ve used and, even then, I remember them being large and a bit unwieldy. So I loaded up the Premium Weighted Pleasure System with some water-based lube (Frolic, if you’re interested), dropped the drawers and popped a squat.. and found myself completely unable to insert these things. I probably used a bit too much lube but the smooth plastic was definitely not working for me. That’s where Smartballs or K-Balls tend to win out: they’re better for grasping.

So I leaned one foot up on the bed and was able to insert one ball but not without stabbing my labia with finger nails and pulling on my hair. Man, how the hell did I manage it so many times before? When I was finally able to get the second ball in, it kept slipping out completely or just nudging at the opening to my vagina uncomfortably. I’d get it in, think it was staying, and it’d move right back down. I finally jammed both balls up there and they seemed to stay.. It’s kind of like the opposite of giving birth, you know.

The Premium Weighted Pleasure System is pretty damned effective at stimulating my G-spot if only because of their sheer size. They touch everything in my vag so if they managed to miss my G-spot, it’d be almost miraculous. I noticed almost immediately that I could feel the inner weights moving around. I mean, there’s no mistaking this. You don’t need to do jumping jacks or go for the job. Those suckers just move! I feel them when I walk, I feel them when I do chores, I feel them when I shake my hips back and forth just ’cause I can. I don’t remember any of the kegel balls I’ve tried before making such an impression. And after the initial movement, I feel the inner balls bouncing around a bit as they settle back into position. These are the vag balls I’d want to use during spanking.

I still don’t entirely love the concept, however. Because I’m not G-spot orgasmic, the constant pressure becomes a bit annoying. Sure, it makes it easier to squirt but it doesn’t exactly feel good. The balls, once in place, aren’t necessarily uncomfortable but if I move my muscles, they can be.

Because of the lack of texture, these balls slide ride out easily. They wash up with soap and water but those decorative ridges create seams in the balls and I’m curious why California Exotics wouldn’t just choose to use a silicone coating. In addition to that, if you really pull on the separator, you can pull it out of the balls further than it should be, and see the beginning of a loop. Granted, I was being pretty aggressive but the constructions leaves a little to be desired.

So, if you’re more into the idea of vag balls than I am, I’d probably recommend the L’Amour Premium Weighted Pleasure System.

CEN Sexpert



Crazy Girl Mist

June 21st, 2011

For whatever reason, I’ve really been into the scented products lately. I suppose this is how I went from no sprays to six bottles in just a few months, eh? I wasn’t sure if I would love the Crazy Girl Mist with pheremones but I thought I’d give it a try. Crazy Girl is a line up of body sprays, lotions and shaving products from Classic Erotica. I opted for Plumeria because I generally like floral scents but perhaps I would have enjoyed Seduction–a mix of fruity and floral–better.

The initial spritz of this product smells very generic, a bit heavy and, well, old. I like my health and beauty products to smell young and fresh. There’s something in this heavy floral scent that just comes off as dated. Initially, there is a lot of perfume, as if to overwhelm the nose. I’m a fan of more sophisticated scents, generally. Although, after a few moments, it settles and becomes more pleasant (less unpleasant?), the product is still very forgettable. I wouldn’t remember this body spray from any other brand that makes plumeria scented products or even from most general floral products.

Of course, if I did love it, then I would want the scent to be long-lasting. Unfortunately, that’s not the case here. Even a generous four or five sprays isn’t going to last you more than a couple hours. I guess it’s a good thing that the body mist comes in a large eight ounce spray bottle. I’ve already used quite a bit and just for testing purposes. I was hoping it would grow on me but it really hasn’t.

The reason this product is sold by sex toy retailers is the supposed inclusion of pheremones. Now, I don’t really buy into the pheremone aspect too much; I think it’s mostly the power of suggestion and I’m not going to feel a whole lot sexier when I’m using a product that doesn’t necessarily smell good to me. I can’t say that anyone took particular interest in me because of Crazy Girl Mist–nor did anyone even compliment the fragrance. I have to say that the “sexy alert” on the back of the bottle is not only overstated but it’s ridiculously tacky, too.

I also must comment that the complete lack of ingredients to be interesting. I wonder if alcohol may be one of the components of this spray but the bottle doesn’t want me to know. The official website doesn’t list anything either so I guess I’m just SOL. The bottle does advertise that you can even use it upside down but.. who does that? Why is that even an advertising point? I guess I could say that it sprays well enough right-side-up and the cap is nice.

Oddly enough, Classic Erotica also made the ginger+pomegranate massage candle and the Silky Sheets spray that I didn’t like. I think, from here on out, I’ll be staying away from any of their scented products if I have not already had a chance to smell them. Really, that’s my advice to you. Unless you’re a die-hard fan of the passion flower/plumeria scent or you have the world’s least pickiest nose, I’d stay away, too.


Cake Lip Plumper

May 9th, 2011

I don’t know about you but I own a lot of lip glosses. I don’t know why exactly. I just love when my lips are shiny and shimmery and smell good, even if I’m not being kissed. I expected that I’d love the Cake lip plumper because I also love sweets.

This plumper comes in a .20 fl ounce tube with the typical lip gloss applicator. The tube is a little smaller than most of them I own but that’s not a bad thing necessarily. The design is super cute: black and liht teal with red accents. The tube and box feature a pin-up style woman and even the font alludes to a previous time.

The product makes a couple claims. 1) It tingles. This is pretty accurate. You can definitely feel the plumper at work after you apply it. If you’ve used other lip plumping products, then you’ll be familiar with the feeling. It can get a little uncomfortable so you may want to be pretty sparse with our applications at first.

Secondly, the product is scented. I received the Angel Food Cake scent; however, there are other cake scents available. My biggest complaint with the product is that it does not smell like angel food cake. There’s a distinct mocha sort of scent and, as I’m not a fan of coffee, this is both confusing and a turn off.

Lastly, the Cake Lip Plumper is supposed to taste like cake. Let me tell you this: the cake is a lie. It is not flavoured. It tastes like wax, which is typical of many lip products. Thus, you won’t want to run around licking your lips the way you would when wearing VS lip gloss. Just sayin’. Nevertheless, this lip gloss is far less sticky than any I’ve tried by VS, which I do like.

Appearance wise, the Cake gloss adds shine but no color. As for the plumping abilities, I can’t say that I noticed much of a difference and this obviously isn’t intended to have permanent effects.

I’d still be satisfied with this product if I enjoyed the scent and I suspect that I probably would enjoy some of the other scents (cookie dough, devils food), if they’re actually what you would expect. The Lip Plumper is decent as a a lip product, with vitamins E and C. I just wish the angel food scent was accurate.



Lights Outs Glow Shower Gel Raspberry

February 8th, 2011

If you’ve ever thought “I want to glow in the dark” or “I bet it would be cool to shower with no lights on” or if you’re just a dork, like I am, then this product might interest you. You’ll probably have to ignore the fact that the entire design is reminiscent of mini-golf courses or Chuck E Cheese but, who wouldn’t with glow in the dark body wash?!

First things first. In the image, this appears white. It’s really not. The raspberry scent is a very pale, sickly looking pink. I could do with something a little prettier but I don’t know how realistic that is, given the glow in the dark properties.

Second, this bottle is pretty damned small. The Exotic Fruit Show Gel by Shunga is exponentially larger. This is a problem when you consider how poorly this product lathers. It’s super thin and washes away so easily that I always have to reapply to my bath poof. The bottle is almost half gone after only two weeks or so of use.

Thirdly, the raspberry scent is very unsophisticated. It’s not the subtle and finely crafted scent that I prefer. Rather, it’s run of the mill and too heavy because it’s not really good. Read: cheap.

But, it does glow in the dark. After sitting in the light (my bathroom has a window so this occurs all day), the bottle will turn a light green and cast off light. It’s pretty neat and makes finding your bath products easier if, you know, the power is out. Once you start to lather, however, this quickly disappears. You can’t make any glow in the dark hand prints on your mirror or chase people around like a ghost. This is kind of a failure, in my opinion. Who wants the glowy fun to end?

So, I will be retiring this bottle until such time as I a) run out of good body wash or b) plan to shower with no lights on or c) just wanna show it to someone.Not using it is the only way you’ll get your money’s worth anyway

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