Sex With My Love

August 20th, 2009

My husband is home and, of course, that mean sex. Unfortunately, it’s not as much sex as either of us would like but, on the other hand, I’m really glad I still want lots of sex after having it. Before he was deployed, I just thought too much about sex without actually doing it. I would think about the effort and the messes and I would actually ignore my body’s physical response to his touch because of the nagging thoughts. It was a miserable mindset and while I haven’t relished the fact that we have been apart for most of this year, I’m glad of the motivation it has provided.

When I think about sex, talk about sex, or blog about sex I tend to do it in a rather objective way. There’s definitely emotional disconnect even if I’m talking about my sex life. It’s not entirely unusual for me to get lost listening to my inner voice talk about the mechanics of sex and totally not be into it and.. that frequently leads me to think that I don’t really like sex and then I don’t want to have it but it’s not true. My inner voice really just needs to STFU sometimes and, right now, it’s pretty much drowned out by the rest of my body’s sexual needs. I touched on this on the EdenFantasys forums and, sadly, I don’t have much of a “cure” for this, at least not something that can be used on a frequent basis.

Anyway, this all sort of leads me to think that sex is very separate from emotion for me and that’s just not true. And I’m glad it’s not true. Maybe it can be and I’d be lying if I said a large part of my sex life doesn’t revolve simply around attraction and physicality but that’s not all of it. And maybe it’s not even the important part of it and maybe I’m just too wrapped up in my head to realize but, obviously, it’s nearly impossible to not have super emotional sex after your husband returns from deployment.

It’s good to feel that connected even if it feels awkward to cry during sex. It’s good to hold eachother that tight. It’s good to feel when you spend so much time not feeling. Sometimes I have such a hard time reconciling my thoughts with my feelings and all the feelings come pouring out so strongly that I just can’t think. Can’t. Despite the fact that so much of me thrives on control, I really do appreciate those moments and desire more of them when it comes to my relationship and sex.

In spite of the situation that has led to it, I’m grateful to be reminded that I like sex, I want it and having it is an emotionally charged experience. It’s shocking how easily that can be forgotten.

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