Can you see me now?

June 6th, 2010

Jules wrote a post about a post that AAG wrote about being in the in-crowd. They both make great points about the so-call in crowd but I didn’t have much to say until I read an anonymous comment about this so-call “in” crowd and here I thought I was mostly ignored until I saw this:

It shows up regularly on blogs, on forums and in reviewer chat rooms.

Hey, wait! I know what this person is talking about. Yep, it’s the chat room I created many moons ago where reviewers could get together and talk about.. reviews and toys. Actually, I cannot take the credit. DBD first made a room on Meebo but it was public and we often got random strangers that would come in long enough to say “You like toys? You must be fat bitches. EWW! Perverts!” So I made a new room, password protected.

I figured we’d talk about reviews, toys, toy companies, websites and blogging but it has become so much more than that. Yes, we talk about those things on a frequent basis but the room has turned into a place where I’ve made real connections with real people except, maybe, AAG’S anonymous commenter. This started out as a reply to that person but I think it fits better here:

I love that you have first-hand knowledge of the chatroom I created! This means that you asked to be invited in and we let you in, regardless of affiliations. This probably means we’ve laughed together and shared some silly stories. It’s likely that you’ve seen us being critical about companies but we’re pretty equal opportunity. Lots of people and companies do things we don’t love (even folks in the “in” crowd but I’ll get to that later). Spend any time in the room and you will also see how much time people spend being positive and supportive. I know, I frequently hop in chat when the stress of my divorce is just too damned much.

If you’ve spent any time in the room, you know that some folks are still with EF. If you’ve stuck around, you’ll probably see that EF employees (like Sammi) and backers were still allowed and welcome even after the shit hit the fan. You’ll also note that AAG has never visited (for no particular reason other than she hasn’t inquired, I would suppose). Neither have any other staff members of EF but that’s because they never asked me for the password. Not once. As the chat room admin, I might even be inclined to let people in but it doesn’t matter because someone has been reporting every damned thing we say to others anyway. Tattle tale much? Since when is anything we say in a relatively private place up for argument?

And if you spent more than 5 minutes in the room, you will see that we often disagree with each other because WE are real people, too, not just “them.” We do not hang on everyone’s every word but, because of the amazing feedback and support we’ve been able to give each other within that chat room, we believe we can trust one another. So if Epiphora says something happened, I believe her. Not because she can do no wrong but because that’s what friends do. (But even though I trust her, maybe sometimes I think she’s full of crap, too.)

Does that make me part of this so-called in crowd? Making friends with people who give me the time a day? Then guess who else I’m friends with: Carrie Ann and Sammi. (Okay, they don’t have to admit it, but I consider them friends). Sorry to go throw a kink in your hatred and stereotyping there but let me make it really confusing for you: over a year ago I stopped following AAG because I just don’t particularly care about most things she blogs about (no offense intended to her, she blogs about broader subjects than I care to read in this corner of the blogosphere). Yet here she is, apart of the same in-crowd and we’ve never spoken 2 words to one another.

Anonymous, you missed the point. Entirely. It’s not that there are no cliques on the internet, it’s just that sharing an opinion does not a secret club, make. No one can name others in this group because we all associate with many people on a frequent basis, including some people who don’t get along so well with others we like. As grown ups, we can do that.

But can you? Can you look beyond the “them” and “not us” and see us as real people? Or is it okay for you to abuse your invitation because you’re so much better than me? Because you’re a real person but none of us are?

When I made this room, I considered myself a no one at EF, even though I’d been around over a year. I’m past the 2 year mark, now, and I still feel like a nobody because of some frustrating staff interactions (but that’s not exactly irrelevant). I’m certainly no sex blog celeb, either. So you can’t go around talking about how there’s some special group intimidating other people. Did you ever think that you might be intimidating us? Using your logic, I can easily label you as apart of the in-crowd, a crowd I most certainly can see because I am not apart of it. Funny how the works, isn’t it?

And if you took the time to talk to me, you’d know I’m planning on re-inventing the room, so to speak, after everything cools off. Here I was looking forward to a room where more reviewers would feel welcome, where we could have a fresh place to chat. Shit, I’m not very good at this in-crowd thing.

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My Last Word

February 17th, 2009

..On the subject of AAGs crusade against sex toy reviews

Originally I didn’t give AAG’s post much thought. I thought it was snarky but passed it over until I read many posts which discussed how insulted some toy reviewers were. Then, I gave it another look over.

AAG doesn’t want to read so many reviews. She feels they are perhaps, inferior, to other type of sex blog content and she suggested not only that sex blogs should get back to that content but that this is the point of sex blogs. Some agree, others don’t. I like to read and write reviews myself. Reviews may be increasing in popularity, I can’t say. AAG has certainly been around longer than I had so maybe she is better equipped to notice this trend.

What I have noticed, however, is that the terms ‘sex blog’ and ‘sex bloggers’ have varied definitions. They umbrella personal stories, articles, sex tech, reviews, erotica, sexual health and more. Some bloggers simply get lumped into the group because they write about their lives and they simply happen to be sexual beings. What this means is there is no definition to sex blogging; it pulls from every corner and every angle and envelopes every aspect of life along the way so it’s virtually impossible to define a sex blog. Thus, I would think it’s impossible to say what a sex blog should be.

And that’s why we’re up in arms. AAG asserted what she thought a sex blog should be but she didn’t stop there. She decided her definition was right and implied that somehow the majority of the internet is in agreement but I don’t know if this can be true. After all, how many of us disagreed enough to speak up? A damned good portion. And what we have to say is “Hey, we’re sex bloggers, too!”

Truth be told, AAG has said she wasn’t talking about sex toy reviewers per se which confuses me because doesn’t that, in the end, only further imply that reviewers are a less important part of the sex blogging community? But I digress. It has been suggested that AAG was only discussing blogs which were more personal have become increasingly full of reviews. And, if this is supposed to be the case, then I think we can all agree AAG did a piss poor job or wording her blog.

The problem many of us see is that we do not have blogs to talk about our personal lives or write articles or erotica (I have dabbled in all three, though) but we blog for our reviews and we happened to be lumped in with the greater sex blog population and now our “sex blogger cards” are being revoked, apparently. Blogging is a personal expression; we all have the right to choose what we post. Of course, no one is going to stop because AAG stated her opinion, but we’re going to be miffed that she acted as though her opinion was fact.

The fact of the matter is, I will write what I want. I will read what I want. In the recent past, this has not been AAG’s blog as I have found her blogging to grow continuously away from what I want to read. Rather than bitch about it, I move toward the blogs I want to read which is what I think she should have done instead. I would never think I have the right to say that how she writes make her any less legitimate as a sex blogger because I recognize that the types of blogs she likes and the types of blogs I like are just several types of the sex blogs in the greater sex blogging community and an even smaller fraction in the overall blogosphere.

Don’t like it? Stop hanging around that corner. You don’t have to finish a book you hate or a movie which makes you uncomfortable. You’re not required to stay with an abusive partner. No one is forcing you to read sex toy reviews. There are plenty of other sex blogs to sate whatever appetite you have so go read them. If you are “dismayed” to see more reviews than “sexy writing” on a blog, perhaps you’re simply at the wrong type of blog or assuming erroneously about what the blogger is trying to do with his or her website.

In summary, there is no right way to blog – sexual or otherwise but posting an entry which alienates a vocal group of people probably isn’t the best way to go about it either. (And, yea, I might fall into that category now, too)

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