10 Years of Blogging About Sex in 5150 Words

July 16th, 2018

10 years. 10 years is a long time to stick with anything whether it be a relationship, a job or, yes, a blog. Indeed, 10 years is nearly a third of my life as a 32-year-old. That really puts things in perspective.

Another way to think about the last 10 years that I’ve spent on this blog is to break down the numbers. 10 years equals 1002 posts. 5239 comments, 1742 tags, 554,109 words (not counting the 5,000 some words in this post), and countless of posts that never made it live. Not to mention the products I’ve reviewed, companies I’ve worked with, and time spent on social media and replying to emails.

There has been tremendous change in the sex toy industry as well as the sex blogosphere over the last decade, too, and I didn’t think a post about the 10 years I’ve been blogging about sex toys would be complete without commenting on those changes.

Jump to a section:

How Sex Toys Have Changed Over The Last Decade

Talking about the changes in toys might be among the easiest topics to address in this post; although, it’s all too easy to forget that things haven’t always been this way. Perhaps one of the best changes was the move to body-safe materials such as silicone. When I first started using and reviewing sex toys, I used more than a few jelly monstrosities and, yes, even some Sil-A-Gel. Sometimes material was an enigma: it was impossible to tell what it was or how safe it was.

This is no longer the case, however. Now, silicone fills the dildo and vibrator market. Nonporous materials are everywhere. It seems to be more difficult to find cheap, unsafe materials than it is to buy something that won’t leach chemicals into your body or become deformed if it touches another toy. With an increase in availability comes a decrease in price. It’s not just the luxury brands producing these toys, and you don’t have to spend an arm and a leg to own something that’s not hazardous. Awesome.

Another wonderful change in this arena is the availability of information. While sex toys, lube, and gear is still not overseen by a big agency and companies can and do get away with lying about their products (there’s a reason nearly every toy reviewer has tried to set a dildo on fire, folks!), some have stepped up. They’ve increased transparency and directly communicated with bloggers and shoppers. The end result is greater knowledge about how silicone dildos are made, why and when they might react with silicone-based lubes (RIP my VixSkin Spur )=), what makes a glass sex toy unsafe, how wood is treated to become nonporous and what osmolality has to do with lube safety, among other topics. This, along with an increase in research into sexuality, has made it even possible for me to write my monthly (I know, I know: I am using that loosely) Science of Sex feature. We have more information than ever before.

Even if you’re not interested in the science side of things, sex toys have come a long way. The toys of yore, including rabbits with beads that always jammed and weirdly-thrusting shafts (because sex toys had to mimic intercourse), seem almost laughable in comparison to today’s sex-tech: toys with remotes, pressure-responsive vibrators, sound-controlled toys, warming shafts, expanding toys, vibrators with cameras on them, oral sex simulators, toys that wave and rock, vibrators that rely on magnetic or induction charging, toys that bend and click into place, modular vibrators, wearable vibrators and dildos, and toys that work with your phone (some of which require firmware updates).

The list is long and, yet, I know that I am missing something.

Once upon a time, a toy with a dock and an internal battery was novel. Now, you have to hunt for battery-powered sex toys. Condoms are made with hexagonal shapes (that may actually be more prone to breakage).

Even when technology hasn’t changed, design has. Jimmyjane has recently produced a rideable sex toy that looks quite futuristic compared to the Sybian. Lelo has revamped numerous vibrators over the years, and Fun Factory is no stranger with more Boss vibrators that I can count (or hold) on one hand as well as a sophomore version of my favorite: the Laya Spot.

Where once only a handful of companies were producing toys that looked like works of art, we now have a multitude of sleek designs to choose from. Indeed, cheap toys may be designed well, or those gorgeous lines might lead us astray when they house inferior builds.

Of particular note are smart toys. You can control your vibrator with your phone, download new settings, and sync it. Of course, not everyone wants to do that. Epiphora has come out against using apps with her sex toys. I haven’t been quite as vehement but, you know what? I’m not a fan. Still, apps are handy for receiving feedback for kegel exercisers, a type of sex toy that has really changed leaps and bounds over the past decade. My first pair were tiny. painful beads made of plastic that hurt my PC muscles. I moved on to much larger balls, this time made of silicone and with an internal ball. I tried Lelo’s Luna Beads, which many people loved but left me lukewarm. Insert vibrating balls that were too uncomfortable and awkward for me to try twice. I eventually moved on to kGoal, which seemed the holy grail of smart kegel toys, only to find that it wasn’t built for my body. Did that stop me from trying yet another smart toy? No.

Not all of these changes are great. Some were ridiculous from the start (a tuxedo for your dick? C’mon!). A few ideas sounded promising but only succeeded to varying degrees (I liked Lelo’s Ora and thought the Ora 2 was even better, but it didn’t work for everyone. Same goes for JeJoue’s Ooh line with its modular motor). Some “new” ideas were simply rehashes of old failures, forgotten long enough that companies figured we might be willing to go through that hell again (I’m talking about We-Vibe Gala, which has already been shunned and removed from the market!). Sometimes we tried toys only to remember that less is more and, no, adding 3,000 settings to a vibrator does not guarantee orgasm.

For every Stronic that bloggers fell in love with, there was a much-hyped toy, often one created for a woman with absolutely no input from a woman or one that came after a boisterous crowdfunding campaign that advertised revolutionary tech and an amazingly-powerful motor, that barely made reviewers tingle let alone orgasm (although, as we all know, I try not to define satisfaction by the presence or number of orgasms).

Like the commas in my run-on sentence, new ideas, changes and sex tech keep coming. Some of it makes us come, too. It’s pretty rad when this happens.

And while some of these changes were pretty obviously on the horizon (smart toys that connect to your phone via Bluetooth, for example), I was astounded by the announcement or even the sheer speculation of many of them.

Overall, these changes are things about which I cannot complain. Although, I can bemoan and commiserate when my favorite toy is no longer made (and the sophomore effort falls short), when amazing companies go out of business before I can get my hands on their goodies (sometimes only to pop back up again.. and sometimes again) and when websites mysteriously disappear without a trade or an explanation.

With that, I am on to discussing the changes in sex toy stores.

Changes In Sex Toy Retailers Over the Last 10 Years

In some ways, sex toy stores have changed alongside toy makers. They both tend to be more transparent and accountable, which is something that bloggers like myself have demanded. Stores without reputations and with shady practices are no longer supported.

The notable exception I see is the number of Amazon vendors who have popped up, selling Chinese-made toys with no brand or with Amazon-only brands. You’ve probably seen them: they’re all over Amazon but no reputable seller carries them. They’re often direct knockoffs of familiar toys. Utimi is one brand that comes to mind. I more often receive contact from these makers than I do reputable sellers or manufacturers, and I almost always reject them. Some of these toys may very well work fine (and because it’s Amazon, many people have tried and like them), but it’s just so hard to know. Hell, even toys from brands that I know and have historically liked can miss the mark.

I’ve also not held my tongue about working with these people. There’s more than just a language barrier: they’re focusing on quick links and sales. In the past, vendors like these have been very pushy. They’ve wanted me to ignore FCC guidelines. It leaves a very sour taste in my mouth, and I’d rather avoid that.

I think that I was like many others when I first started. I wanted to get free toys. So I accepted a lot of shitty ones from even shittier companies. As I learned what I liked I became more selective, both in what I accepted and with whom I worked. This means I try fewer toys, preferring to focus on those that will actually work for me.

It also means that I work with very few companies. I still work with Good Vibes, Lovehoney, and SheVibe, and have made an effort to forge new alliances since I started this post. I’ve seen many, many PR people come and go. I’ve seen companies switched from in-house to external PR, purchase other brands (GoodVibes now owns Babeland), and change how they interact with bloggers. This is mostly due to how Google handles search engine optimization. Years ago, you could get a ton of people to use a link such as “sex toys” to your store and fly right to the top. And everyone did it. My old posts are full of those links words as well as others (vibrators, dildos, bondage gear, etc). In hindsight, it’s really awkward and lacks context. Sometimes the sheer number of links in posts was inundating.

This behavior is no longer lucrative, but neither is sending out product haphazardly. Many review programs have simply disappeared. Others have discontinued specific programs that didn’t work. I really enjoyed working with PinkCherry, sigh. But they discontinued their affiliate program for American bloggers (and perhaps others).

Looking back, it’s also no surprise that search engines would crack down on this sort of search engine manipulation (I also think this is why so many vendors have headed to Amazon where they’ve got better visibility). Thus, no companies demand links like this anymore, and most seem to work only with affiliates and not just bloggers. As an affiliate of a few companies, I don’t personally mind. Affiliate links are a chance for me to make a commission as well as for the store to make a sale. However, I’ve had varying success with those links because I do not promote them as well as some. That sort of promotion is crucial to your success as a blogger/reviewer in 2018, not just in making money from your blog but in attracting and maintaining relationships with sites.

Because of this, I tend to work with companies that I’ve known quite a while. There aren’t as many new companies popping up and very few that I support. Unbound Babes is one that’s been on my radar and that I’ll give props to. Not only have I worked with them and joined their affiliate program, but they have awesome newsletters and are a company that I just feel good supporting.

This isn’t to say that I won’t sometimes reach out or accept an invite from a newer company. Last year, I tried a number of Satisfyer models, and Svakom, whom I worked with a while back, is still lesser-known. I’m just less likely to do so. But those invites seem fewer and further between, too, as reputable companies work with fewer bloggers and discontinue their review programs.

I am not alone when I say that I am no longer happy supporting shitty companies. Yes, I’m talking about EdenFantasys, which I haven’t visited in years. But I’m also talking about how Lilly will call out Lelo or Pipedream when necessary. It’s why Epiphora speaks out about her experiences with Don Wands and Liberator. I have been fortunate to not deal with a lot of bullshit directly, but ours it a community that supports its members and that sometimes takes shape of revoking support of companies that refuse to do right by bloggers and consumers at large.

Occasionally this results in calling out the wrongdoings of companies we do support. Sometimes they’re just faux pas. It’s often the case of not knowing better, and companies have shown that they want to do better. Betty’s Toy Box, for example, ditched their gendered toy categories to make their site more inclusive. SheVibe actually made a few tweaks to their affiliate program after I wrote about using it years ago. Vibrant canceled a sale that some people thought was misguided. That’s the sort of thing that keeps me recommending a store. The expectations have changed, standards have increased.

Unsurprisingly, some stores have worked with manufacturers to created their own branded toys, some of which are identical to the originals. This is something that I’ve seen for quite a while, but it does seem to be more common. Trusted stores are putting their name on toys they want you to trust, too.

I’ve alluded to how blogging has changed, and that’s where I’ll give in next. But before I do, I just wanted to mention how manufacturers play a role in this. I’ve seen a number of boutique toy makers come and go (and sometimes come again): Fucking Sculptures and Phallix are just a few now-defunct companies that I can name off the top of my head. As I go cull broken links, I inevitably wind up lamenting that a wonderful toy or company no longer exists, perhaps to recommend a less alternative.

For every Split Peaches or Funkit, I worry how long they’ll manage to be around or who they may be replacing. Jollies has come, gone, come back, gone, and returned again. Phew! It’s hard to make it in this business, and this is my segue to talk about blogging.

How Sex Blogging Has Changed Over the Last 10 Years

When I started, I only figured this was a hobby, as did most other bloggers/reviewers. We created and maintained our blogs, tried toys, posted reviews and took pictures. Over the last ten years, it became more common for people to pay for professional/custom themes or even to have someone else maintain their blog while they focused solely on the writing. There are bloggers who don’t know a lick of HTML, a far cry from the Internet I cut my teeth on.

While there were people on both Blogger and WordPress in the beginning, most people use WordPress, and they’re almost entirely self-hosted. This is due to how Blogger has treated adult sites and users, I’m sure. I was always a bigger fan of WordPress myself. I’ve seen commenters move through Intense Debate, Livefyre, and Disqus for comments. I’ve never enjoyed any third-party commenting apps, but they’re here to stay. Regardless, the number of comments seems to have dropped, even for the most infamous of bloggers.

And there are only so many of those original bloggers around. I’ve already mentioned Lilly and Epiphora. Myself, of course. But so many names have disappeared and faded. The same, too, goes for communities and roundups. Pleasurists, Sugasm. You name it. That’s not even counting hashtag trends. I’m surprised when I still see someone use #FollowFriday and confused when #SOSS turns up.

It’s interesting how some platforms haven’t changed. Twitter still reigns supreme; although, it will be interesting to see how long this remains true with their recent shadowbans of sex workers and educators. Facebook, in some ways, has become another venue to leave comments, perhaps some of the reasons why blog comment counts are so low.

Another change is that photography has become increasingly more important, much to my chagrin. Not only do I personally prefer text to photos when I read reviews (especially if the reviews are all visual and do nothing to explain how well a product works), but I am not an excellent photographer. I have been trying more, however. Sometimes it’s apparent. But as someone who posts many of their reviews in the middle of the night (and may only be awake during those hours), natural light is a limited resource. Many of my reviews lack an original image let alone multiple, and I suspect this hurts my site.

While I struggled, I watched others succeed — and did they! Blogs became news sources. Bloggers became voices to be heard, and they were educating and revealing issues in the world. They earned respect. Bloggers went on to write for serious publications. Journalists began sex blogging as another venue to educate and discuss important issues at hand. From sex bloggers, were learned about shady companies, unsafe products, dubious practices. Companies were forced to take notice and do better. Bloggers were forced to up their game to remain relevant.

But I never really expected that having this blog would become a competition. I had no idea that people would make a job of it, that this was even possible, that people would no longer be doing it all themselves (although, in terms of sex blogging, many of us still are) and would hire different people to fill every possible role on their blog. I’ve made money through affiliate links and ads, but it was always spending money. Chump change. There came a point when I realized that if I wanted to keep up, make money and stay relevant, I would need to make this my full-time job. But that’s never what I wanted. It’s grueling and tedious. But the more I treated this as a hobby, the more I seemed to fade into the background. I think this leads to my final point.

How I Have Changed After a Decade of Blogging

I had so much time for this blog when I first started. At one point, I maintained five or so. I wrote reviews frequently, hung out in reviewer chatrooms, and posted on multiple forums. If you recall, I was married when I first started this blog — and living overseas. Returning home meant I was able to receive more packages in a more timely manner. It also meant that my marriage would soon be over.

During that time, I started working again. I moved home. I spent more time with people in real life. I shared with them my knowledge of sex and toys. The liberal and feminist ideals that I was exposed to as a sex blogger bled into my real life in big ways, but it was a one-way flow. I fell out of touch with my friends on Twitter, the blogosphere. I became more of who I am in person but shrunk away in the sex blogosphere. I felt alienated when I did return. I didn’t know where or how to dig my way back in or what I wanted out of it anymore. In my absence, people popped up. Bloggers who I still think of unproven newbies have been around for four or five years. How did that happen?

I had no time for the Internet, and as much as I wanted to still be apart of it, it was so difficult. On top of that, it all felt so fake. I had better things to do, and I was doing them. Still, I couldn’t help but grieve my losses, and I think my tweets and posts fell under a shadow because of this. It’s not like I didn’t decide I would return to blogging with a renewed vigor or didn’t try to come up with new features. I just couldn’t make it stick. It was hard to break back in, and time-management has never been my strong suit. Although I’ve stuck with the Science of Sex for over a year now, I rarely post on the second Saturday of every month the way I want to.

It’s no help that I have rarely had a consistent sexual partner since my divorce, and romance? Ha! I occasionally have some dating foibles to write about or thoughts on the whole process, but I felt as though being single somehow made me less qualified to write this blog. And it certainly makes it harder to explore some interests, bondage being one, that might make for interesting reading.

I really struggled to add personal thoughts to this blog because of that. Something that was once so relevant to this blog, to my identity, no longer existed in my life. This isn’t to say that it won’t ever again, but it makes things so much more difficult. And it was certainly an adjustment personally. My life went off the tracks in a major way, and I had to reconcile where I thought it was going with where it actually went.

Even if that weren’t the case, writing about toys gets old after a while. It takes so much more to blow my mind. So many reviews landed square in the realm of “This works. Now, why am I doing it again?” You can tell. And the process of writing a review became so dull, that I fell far behind. I couldn’t force myself to keep up with my obligations.

Aside from this, I became disenchanted with even reading blogs. Epiphora’s is the only blog that I read at any sort of frequent interval. I could scarcely keep up with new bloggers who seemed to disappear just as soon as they popped up.

It was such a chore when I could be spending time with people and immersing myself in my newfound/re-invigorated nerdy interests and friends. Boy, do I wish I knew which words in that sentence were worthy of parenthesis! LOL! I no longer needed to connect with people, ideas or communities online when I had those things offline. In my real life. I didn’t need to vent here when I could do so to people face-to-face. But it is my so-called real life that has brought me round again.

In 2016, I reconnected with my love of science, and the Science of Sex feature only made sense a few months later. I gleefully read the papers and learned the facts so that I could provide it with my readers. I remembered how awesome it felt to actively seek more knowledge. More than one month passed where I only posted once, and it was for this feature. It became my goal to post once a month for a year, which I had. During that time, I found bloggers, authors, podcasters, and other educators to teach and inspire me. I proactively make time to listen and read, and I follow some of these sources on both of my social networks, sharing with both of them as well.

In some ways, I’ve changed so much from the person who I was when I first began this blog. In other ways, I struggle with how I’ve remained stagnant over the last few years. It would certainly be nice if I had more things happening in my personal life that were also relevant to this blog, namely: love and sex.

I’ve often tried — and failed — to express these thoughts. Where I wanted to be vulnerable, I fear I simply came across as negative, whiny, and defensive, pushing away the people with whom I wanted to connect. I wanted to express my feelings of confusion, loneliness, and disconnection. I wanted to talk to my readers and fellow bloggers about how lost I felt. But it was so difficultc, perhaps because I started this with a pseudonym and tried not to let the streams of my two personas cross. I shared only so much information with my readers. I compartmentalized anything that wasn’t directly related to love, sex, masturbation or kink.

I think what will eventually make the most sense is for me to stop blogging under a pseudonym, to combine my professional writer persona with this identity and put everything under one umbrella. I am not yet ready to do this, but I can imagine how it will be when I do. Then, I will be able to share with all of you all of me. I won’t have to compartmentalize. I’ll be able to talk about sex with everyone from my real life and mention all those nerdy things to my readers here. It sounds like a pretty good deal.

In the meantime, I think I’m in a better place now, and I’m finding balance in my life, including with this site once more. It may not stick. Everything is a cycle, is it not? But I can live with this for now, and perhaps I can make a habit that enables me to stay active and in touch with this part of the blogosphere and, in turn, this part of myself.

Oh, and I also use Oxford commas more often than not, now. Gross.

How Views of Sex Have Changed Over the Last Decade

Although I won’t dive into this as deeply as some other subjects, I did want to take a look at how the world has changed regarding sex. In general, it seems to be more sex-positive and accepting of different sexual and gender identities, not just tolerant.  We’re more openly discussing sex, and for that I am grateful.

But there’s still so much work to do. For members of the LGBTQIA+ community, for sex workers, for women, for youth who are just exploring their sexuality and need factual sex education. The progress exists, but we need more.

Where Do We Go From Here

I think the last 4000 words or so have firmly established that I am not creative enough to imagine what the future might look like. I lack the capacity for big-picture thinking in a way that allows change to take me by surprise. But there are some things I’d like to see:

  • Businesses, organizations and bloggers will continue to take responsibility for their mistakes, however accidental they may be. Apologizing and striving to do better is important. None of us are perfect, but denial and willful ignorance help no one. Companies will be transparent about what they’re doing, how they make toys, avenues tapped for arts, etc.
  • USB standards will be adopted by toy makers, and rechargeable toys would not use proprietary ports.
  • Sex toy makers will work more closely with bloggers to create toys and get feedback. Toy reviewers should be involved in the process before a toy gets to the market.
  • Advertisers will pay equitable prices for spaces on our blogs and social media. If it’s important enough for you to ask, it’s important enough for you to pay. In this vein, it’s important for bloggers to get credit and respect where it’s due. The disrespect and condescension must stop.
  • Similarly,  purchasers should pay fair prices for the words we write for them. If you think our work is quality enough to use, then it deserves quality pay.
  • I want to see a stark decrease in the number of fly-by-night companies and Chinse manufacturers/retailers, even if they’re not showing up on my radar. I am not sure what might help this save for more regulation of sex toys.
  • Unsafe materials such as jelly will become defunct and forgotten.. Toy companies will use standard terminology to reduce confusion over what a toy is made from and strive to create body-safe toys without the need to lie or mislead about the toy.
  • Inclusive designs and marketing materials are a must. We’re moving away from “his” and “hers” toys, but that must continue. I want to see models of various skin colors and body shapes in ads, and I do not want to hear about the cost. If you cannot afford to do it right, you cannot afford to be in the business.
  • I’d love to see more conversations happening about sexuality in general, not sex-specific forums. I am seeing more of this and am contributing to it. Eventually, I will want to unify my online presences and write under my real name, and I can envision this being a possibility one day. Just not yet.
  • Ideally, some of the persistent cliques within this corner of the Internet would dissolve so that it would feel more inclusive.
  • I want, no, need, to see more people who are feminists, sex-positive, inclusive, and diverse in every venue, speaking and being held up and being heard.
  • Sex ed will move away from fear-based programs to factual programs that focus on more than just the risks of sex but also the benefits and the skills to have a healthy and happy sex life.
  • Sex work should be legalized and protected.
  • Birth control should be covered by insurance. All of it.
  • I want safe abortions that are covered by insurance and provided by professionals who do not demonize the people seeking out their medical services.
  • Members of the queer community should not have to fear for their safety when they walk down the street. Nor should they be denied the same respect and services as the rest of the world. They should not worry that they’ll be turned down for buying a simple cake or, perhaps more importantly, denied when they apply to adopt a child and start a family together.

There are so many things that I wish to see and that I believe can be a reality if we continue to work toward them.

My personal goals are the same as they always have been. I want to be more consistent in posting and more engaged with the sex blogosphere. I want to continue learning (perhaps by attending a sex/science event) and growing, to experiment sexually (especially with kink) and get out of my comfort zone. I hope that I will be able to do more creative writing, which is something that has fallen by the wayside this year. Time management is definitely crucial to all of my goals. Ironically, if I were having copious amounts of sex or in a relationship, I think I would have even less time and motivation to write about it.

To that end, I am focusing my 10-year anniversary giveaway on methods that will allow me to connect with my readers and other bloggers, to engage, perhaps to make a few friendships. I hope you will join me — and not just because you can win some awesome sex toys in my upcoming giveaway post!

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Categories: Everything Else

Resolve, Not Resolutions

January 4th, 2018

I’m not one to make new year’s resolutions, not really. I think they’re silly and we shouldn’t wait to do things that can just as well be started on a given Thursday. And I do dream up and start projects with no apparent thought to time or season — my Science of Sex feature is one of those things.  So I don’t plan to make resolutions, but the new years lures me into thinking about what I can do differently, and I wind up setting some informal goals, goals that I would never call resolutions, of course.

I’ve had pretty good momentum thus far. Granted, it’s only the 4th of January (I typed “July” because apparently that date just wants to be read), so there is plenty of time to fuck that up, but I feel pretty good about the emailing, article pitching, review inquiring, Twitter using, orgasm tracking and otherwise gettin-together of shit that I’ve so far accomplished. I’m creating opportunities and fostering connections, and I don’t want that effort to go for waste.

As it is, I may not be able to maintain this momentum. This may not be necessary if I set myself up to succeed. So I’ve been thinking of ways to keep myself accountable, to help me succeed at these not-resolutions. That’s what this post is about.

One of my big issues is time management. I plan to do things in a timely manner, but the deadline whizzes by, and it might take me weeks to notice. I think the solution is twofold: to see more rigid deadlines and to utilize technology to complete tasks. I’m not a planner type of person, but I rely on my phone for a couple of reminders, and I think I will expand that for some of my monthly endeavors.

With that said, I try not to put a timeline on certain creative things. I write when I am inspired. I pitch when I have an idea, and I don’t think trying to push that is beneficial. I want to encourage more inspiration, which means I need to be more proactive about keeping up with my fellow bloggers and the sex educators that I respect, among others. I’ve clicked countless links over the past few days, read blog posts and generally found myself shocked at how much I’d missed over the last couple years.

I’ve made efforts to follow more people on Twitter, where I intend to be more active. For the past few years, I’ve spent a lot of time aimlessly scrolling my personal Facebook. It’s a huge time-suck, one with which I am sure plenty of my readers are familiar. I plan to redirect some of that attention. With that in mind, I am also following more of those sources on my personal Facebook, so when I inevitably find myself scrolling mindlessly, I will come across content from those pages. I am considering eventually consolidating my writing about sex with my actual online presence, so this is also a first step toward that.

While I don’t want to tie myself down to deadlines, I think I need to periodically analyze my progress and make adjustments. It seems that a quarterly check-in would be feasible and helpful. This will also enable me to keep up with erotica calls to action as I want to publish more of that.

And this leaves me with a shift I think has been coming for a long time, and some may argue has already occurred. Reviews are not where my heart lies. Perhaps they never were. I prefer writing articles and erotica, and I want to continue focusing on those. Eventually, I may want to move away from this domain name altogether, but I don’t plan to do that in the near future.

In the meantime, it’s necessary for me to only review the things that I feel strongly about, either positively or negatively. I’ve written so many lukewarm reviews in the past year or two, and I know they’re neither as helpful to readers as they should be or a worthy us of my time as I want.

I’ve got a backlog of items to post reviews about. Some are half-written drafts. Others are completely written and waiting on photos (a photog I am not, and I frequently struggle capturing photos that I feel are good enough to post). Some items I’ve tried and honestly never sat down to write about. I am not only renigging on my responsibilities, but I am making the task for difficult for myself. Signing up for fewer reviews in the first place seems like the most viable option, and I will shortly take a look at where I am with my existing queue and what I can do about that.

I think all this is doable. I’ll set up some reminders on my phone later today, after making a few more emails, and surround myself with the pile of items that I need to write about in the upcoming days and go through my post drafts to see what I feel like finishing and publishing.

Although I think I have no right to ask of my readers and friends to help, I think I shall. If I appear quiet on Twitter for extended periods of time, if I have missed the second Saturday of the month, if my blog seems stagnant, I would welcome a friendly reminder about these things if you feel like chiming in. I want to speak more, but I also want to hear more from you guys!

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Categories: Site

Finding My Place In All This (Re: Not So Alone)

July 20th, 2014

I have many thoughts in my head, including a fun post I want to write about weird dildos, but took took an unexpected turn on Twitter when I posted this:

Several dozen replies, some new follows, a couple LOLs and one cuddle pile/cuddlePUDDLE (get the Liberator throe!) later, I feel reconnected with many bloggers. In fact, I think I got some perspective. Despite having done this thing for 6 years (help my celebrate by entering to win awesome sex toy prizes!), I sometimes feel like I am so not part of the in-crowd. I haven’t managed to become close friends with some of the more “popular” or “successful” bloggers.

And maybe that’s okay.

There are some people who have turned this into their job. I don’t think I ever wanted to do that. At least, not through sex toy reviewing. My interest in sex and society and relationships tends toward the psychological rather than the analytic but I haven’t yet applied to Widener, tehehe.

Anyway, other people have gone down the “this is the job” fork in the road. I am a little jealous of them. It never even occurred to me. And that’s awesome. For them. It’s not enough for me Of Sex and Love always needs to remain a place where I am comfortable being personal. That was much of the point when I wrote it, and I didn’t feel like I could openly discuss sex toys and my sex life with my ex-husband, who was in the military, on my other personal blog (Blog count 1).

And even though that relationship is no longer, it certainly won’t be my last romantic or sexual encounter, as you’ve no doubt continued to read here on my blog. For the most part, reviews have dominated this space, but it’s coincidental, not on purpose. It’s how it happens. At some point, I may very well stop writing reviews and focus on my personal sex life if need be.

It will serve a wonderful purpose.

But it also serves the purpose of dividing between myself and some of sex toy reviewers, who are less “sex bloggers.” And that’s okay. For them. Starting a large blog (#3 if you’re counting!) that continues to be a time-intensive labor of love leaves less time for writing.. and socializing. It’s why I go days without looking at Twitter and my Facebook page is often pathetic. I apologize. There are just not enough minutes in the day. Priorities are assigned. This blog is not usually in the top 5 when I have family, friends, work, my other blogs and sex (let’s be honest: sex takes precedence over most of those things) to tend to.

Maybe I mention these things too often. Maybe it sounds like an excuse, but I do it because it’s a reminder. Not all of us sex bloggers/toy reviewers look alike. We don’t have the same priorities. We don’t approach things from the same place.

There are NO one-size-fits-all rules when it comes to blogging about sex and toys.

If you look at this crazy thing with that narrow-minded view, you’re not just missing the point, you’re missing out on the opportunity. And maybe you’re part of the problem. I can admit that I often build invisible walls around myself, but I’m writing this in an effort to knock them down. But if you think there’s only one way to do this, you’re alienating others and misrepresenting the community, which is as varied as my sex toy collection. (Okay, probably more so!)

I don’t want to be part of that. I don’t want to be at the top of a popularity ladder just to avoid the spit from others. Okay? Okay!

I do want to feel like I’m surrounded by friends no matter where I may be in terms of numbers, popularity of success. So thanks to TTC, Dizzygirl, Juliettia, Ima Godiva and Reenie for being the type of people to reply to a message like that I posted on Twitter. And I’d love to welcome new people to the fold. Introduce yourselves. Butt in on Twitter. Comment on blog posts. It’s how everyone started whether we remember it or not!

12 Comments

Categories: internet

Sex Is Like Blogging

November 8th, 2013

I’ve been running away with the analogies today, so what better time to write the post that I’ve been mulling over in my mind?

Sex is like blogging or, rather, blogging is like sex.

I mean, I guess I’ve been blogging for longer than I’ve been having sex. Now, isn’t that kinda weird to say?

Back onto the topic at hand.

I’ve discussed with many people before how sex becomes more of a “necessity” the more you have it. This is true for me. When I have sex frequently, I want more sex more frequently. When it’s been a while, desire dies down a bit. I almost have to psych myself up to get back into the mood. Often, I do this and think “What have I been waiting for?”

Blogging is much the same. When I don’t blog for a while, I get bogged down with the idea that I “owe” my readers a blog post. I should get on it, so on and so forth. However, the longer I wait, the less likely I am to open up WordPress in my browser. Timely posts become too late to be important, or drafts sit in my dashboard for weeks or even months as a time.

It takes quite some convincing by the time I add a new post, and it’s usually because I feel as though an arbitrary amount of time has passed. However, when I blog and get into a groove, I can write three or four posts right away. The inspiration flows, and I don’t want to stop.

But when I’m going through those slow periods, I don’t remember this. I don’t have the passion or yearning.

Of course, blogging isn’t quite the same as sex. Sex falls into the category of necessity for me. Sex, when done right, fulfills needs that I didn’t even know that I had. Sex can even solve my biggest problem: my anxiety. Blogging doesn’t quite fulfill me that way. It’s a hobby that has perks, so it’s less likely that I’m going to stress out over my lack of activity in it.

So let’s extend this analogy a bit:

  • When you’re really into sex or blogging, the result will be better for everyone involved.
  • Sex is like blogging in that watchers make it more fun, and that it’s better to have fun, laughing content rather than serious.
  • You get more out of it when you get something into it.
  • Sometimes it’s easier to be vulnerable when blogging or having sex than it is during everyday conversation.
  • There’s always more to both worlds than you realize initially.
  • Anonymous sex and blogging can both be hot.
  • Hell, you can make money from both.. and companies use both sex and blogging to sell products.

So, for you, how is sex like blogging?

2 Comments

Categories: Everything Else, internet

Want to Advertise on a Sex Toy Review Blog? Read This First

May 22nd, 2012

I am so incredibly grateful for the retailers, communities, video sites and other advertisers who have decided to purchase text or banner links on my website. It really helps pay the bills and let me have a few extra dollars of expendable cash. However, sometimes the process of working with an advertiser can be pretty frustrating and awkwardly drawn out. I know that my fellow bloggers feel the same, and sometimes this is only because advertisers may not be familiar with working with individual bloggers like myself. Sometimes your offer is just not worth my time and effort for the money, and I think that says a lot. While I am grateful for your money, my time is valuable to me, too.

If you’re thinking about buying advertising for me, it’ll go a lot more smoothly if you keep these things in mind.

Negotiating Prices

  • My rates are listed, under that pretty obvious banner on the sidebar. If you ask me for them, I will send you directly to that page. They’re flat rates, for the most part. A year is equal to 12 times the price per month for your location or type of link. If you sent me an email using the form on this page, then you already know the rates. Period.
  • We expect a little bit of negotiating, but don’t be rude. Our space and time is important, and you shouldn’t pit us against other bloggers. It’s, quite simply, disgusting.
  • When it comes to prices, know how much you want to spend before you contact us. If we absolutely can’t agree on a price, stop wasting our time and let us know (see above).

Communicating

  • If you want us to trust you, use an actual company email address.
  • Be courteous in your messages and reply on time. We know that things come up, but everyone should act like a professional. If we have to send multiple emails, we’re going to be annoyed. You would be, too.
  • Do not tell us you’ll get back to us “within a day” and not come through with it. You look like someone who can’t do his job properly.
  • Don’t give us the runaround about how you have to contact so-and-so. Just do it and then get back to us with the pertinent information.

Provide Appropriate Content and Anchor Text

  • When it comes to reading, take the time to read our blogs. Sure, I’ve listed a few anchors that aren’t exactly sex toys, but there are some topics that just don’t make sense for me to be writing about or linking to on Of Sex and Love.
  • Consider something other than “sex toys” as the anchor text. I understand the SEO value; at least, I did before Google released Penguin. Now, more than ever, you want relevant links like your store or website name.

Payment

  • Pay in a timely manner, whether it’s a one-time payment or a recurring plan. We shouldn’t have to nag you like a child.
  • Bloggers don’t typically fill out W9s. Period. If you ask, you’ll only come off as a scam artist.
  • Don’t send payment for renewed advertising if we haven’t agreed on it.

Miscellaneous

  • Even if your “sex toys” link makes perfect sense on my blog, you might not get links or sales. This isn’t my fault. You’re not paying for a landing page, just a link.
  • On that note, just because a blogger offers a sidebar link, doesn’t mean he will do sponsored posts. I do, but I may be the exception and not the rule.
  • As a blogger, we’re happy to talk about advertising. If you’re a sex toy shop, you might wonder if we also want to review. Please ask us before sending us toys. We may not want to review for you. Advertising and reviewing are two separate business interactions.

I may not own The New York Times, but I obviously have something to offer, if you’re interested in advertising. Be kind, be polite and consider how you’d feel if you were in my shoes. A little courtesy always goes a long way.

3 Comments

Categories: Articles

Thank You

November 21st, 2009

A few months ago – and it does seem longer than that – I was blogging about the frustrations of, well, blogging. I was burned out and bummed out and entirely unsure of whether or not I would continue with this whole sex blog thing. A few of you commented and I felt a bit better and then I went back to life as usual which, at the time, included looking forward to yet another anniversary without my husband. Thank you deployment.

In the months since then, I feel like things have turned around. I kept working with some pretty awesome sex toy stores who have provided me with countless products to test (many of which I have bashed on this here blog). I am posting this because I just checked my website stats and my daily unique visitor count has crossed 600. I don’t know when I passed 500 but it’s great to see the continuous rise.

And I guess you like reading those scathing comments and ridiculous praises (sometimes) because I was named number 16 on the Top Sex Bloggers of 2009. I hadn’t even realized, deleted the e-mail when I got it because I figure I got maybe one nomination and no one would even put me on the list but to be 16? Number sixteen? Sweet sixteen? I would never have known, had I not been peeking over at Insatiable Desire to see what Cinnamon is up to and see the post about them being listed. I’m sure I looked like a total bitch because I didn’t reply. But now I did click, I did see, I did reply. My jaw did drop, of course.

Thank you, to whoever nominated me and to the judges. I am listed with and even above some amazing people and awesome writers and I’m grateful to even be on the list, let alone so high.

But that’s not all. I was recently accepted as a Sexpert in California Exotic’s new review program and have been contacted directly by other companies to do some reviews. In fact, I received a comment directly from Nomi Tang herself on my Better Than Chocolate review. Wow. Just wow. So thank you to all the manufacturers who appreciate my honesty, whether tactful or not!

I am not a humble person. I am all too guilty of being quite ego centric. I am always right, damn it. The world ought to revolve around me. But I know when it’s time to say thank you. So, thank you! (Perhaps this is the perfect prelude to Thanksgiving.)

And as much as I appreciate the visitors and their comments, the opportunities provided to me by stores and manufacturers who send me product in return for my opinions, there is something which means so much more. Although he may not really be into sex toys, my husband is always supportive and as excited as I am when I tell him my most recent “good news” – sometimes more so. Whether it’s numbers or new opportunities, he is just awesome about appreciating what it means to me. In fact, when I told him about making the best sex bloggers list, he asked me when I found out. When he realized I’d known for almost a day, he demanded to know why I didn’t tell him sooner.

But, really, what I should have told him sooner is “Thank You.”

5 Comments

Categories: Everything Else, internet, Site

Confessions of a Sex (Toy) Blogger: My Multiple Identity Crisis

November 17th, 2009

My titled sounds so provocative. Well, so does anything which starts “Confessions of..”. Except maybe a plumber. Those are some confessions I’d rather nor hear, thank you very much. Not that I have anything against plumbers but it’s a dirty job. Sometimes it’s funny to watch Dirty Jobs, the show with Mike Rowe but that’s completely off topic.

The topic is how sometimes life with a secret identity becomes confusing. You see, while some people are only their “sex blogger” identity, I have two full presences online. I run this blog, post on sex forums, write reviews for different sites, post on Twitter and am a member of some different sex communities. I do that all as Adriana. The web presence I have under my “real” identity is even more complex. I have 4 blogs (one of which is a review blog) and I manage to update at least one every day, I update Twitter, I am active in several communities and post at their forums, I have accounts at Facebook and Myspace, not to mention dozens of other sites, I play a handful of games and sometimes I take the time to enter giveaways every once in a while. The “real” me has had a full internet life for nearly a decade and it was very well established long before I became a toy reviewer.

It’s not like I don’t enjoy it. I have a wide variety of interests. There’s always something to do. I’ve met a lot of people in both worlds and I have seen, first hand, the overlap between the two. If I had a nickle for every time I saw a review for EdenFantasys on a mommy blog (while browsing as the PG-rated reviewer, not the sex toy reviewer), I could get a shiny new toy. It’s not like I do everything all the time. It doesn’t take long to Tweet or switch between accounts. I don’t get so much e-mail that it’s all I do. There are stretches when I don’t write a review at all and my blogs don’t take so much time that I’ve forgotten my husband’s face (nor would I let them). And, let’s face it, it’s not like I have anything better to do.

But in this game of multiple identities, I’ve had several close calls and a few times when I could have even “outed” myself. I’ve e-mailed folks from the wrong e-mail account, not realizing which one was selected in my e-mail client. I’ve retweeted contests under the wrong Twitter account; my other one reposts everything to my Facebook. Oops! Once I left the wrong site URL in a comment form and I’ve signed up using to some sites twice, without realizing it, having forgotten I’d shopped there before all this sex toy reviewing stuff.

But my greatest offense involves “The Google”. I am always signed into my Google account but I only ever use it to comment on blogs so I frequently forget who I am signed in as. I’ve made a comment or two as the “wrong” me. I’ve been lucky so far; I haven’t said anything to give me away. Although, there was that one time I was helping Airlia with her site with my regular Google account and it showed a link to my profile in her blog. Oops, deux.

None of those things have been the end of the world. Sometimes people don’t even notice and even if I were “outed,” I have much less to lose than others. In fact, I have directed friends of the “real” me to of Sex and Love or my reviews at other sites on more than one occasion. It’s just not a link I want to be made easily. Anyway, there’s ways to get around those silly mistakes. I mean, besides actually paying attention, some folks run multiple browsers or instances of the same browsers. Not really my thing, nor does my dinosaur of a computer want to. But I could.

The thing that gets me the most, is I never know how to sign correspondences. Obviously, “Adriana Ravenlust” is not my real name. Sorry to break it to you. It is a name I chose, with help from my husband. “Ravenlust” actually is a take on a name I’ve used as the “real” me so that’s kind of cool. It’s a name I like and it’s probably easy for others to remember because it is a real name. No one ever adds extra letters to Adriana. Well, maybe another “n” but that’s not bad. When I’m signed into chat or a forum, I feel like Adriana.

Which is why I have no idea how to sign e-mails. If you know my real name, do I end with that? If I use one of my “real” identity e-mail addresses, should I just keep my signature as it automatically shows up? Do I need to explain that the name I go by is a nickname of my real name, which I hardly use? Does it matter if we have a business relationship, like if I review for a company? Or is it just okay if I can always be Adriana and just pretend neither of us no any better? I don’t really want to be rude, you know. I just don’t (know).

What do you do?

5 Comments

Categories: Everything Else

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