“Help! I Can’t Orgasm”

July 7th, 2009

I remember a time when I was a girl talking to a boy and I thrived on our sexually charged interactions but, when the time for us to actually have sex loomed on the horizon, I felt as though I needed to clear the air between us. I felt like a liar even though I’d never explicitly said it, I’d given him the impression that I was capable of orgasm and, because I was incapable of having an orgasm, I felt like a failure. It was almost traumatic, telling that boy my deep, dark secret and, even though that boy now teases me as the girl who used to think she would never orgasm, those same fears of failure, disappointment and even the guilt over lying are commonplace among women who are not able to achieve orgasm (yet).

You’re Not Alone

It’s frustrating to feel that way, certainly, but it’s not uncommon. The women who are in that situation vary. One common denominator is that these women often feel their age has something to do with it. Forums and chatrooms and inboxes and talk radio are full of “I’m X years old and I’ve never had an orgasm!” with X ranging from 18 – 80. There’s a certain sense of living life unfulfilled, especially the older they are. The younger women often seem to feel that, because they are apart of a generation which considers sex a given and information is so freely available via the internet, that they must be broken if they have not been able to orgasm.

Either way, women of all ages (and elasticities and locations and sexual orientations, so on and so forth) are no stranger to lack of orgasm. It’s neither a young woman’s problem or an old woman’s problem or a white woman’s problem or a straight woman’s problem. It’s not even a problem that affects only those who do not masturbate or only those who are lacking proper sex education or only those who have selfish partners.

And advice which assumes any of those things tends to come off as too general to be helpful. They tell you “practice makes perfect” so get to masturbating and, that’s true, unless you’re practicing incorrectly. They tell you communication is key and that’s also true, unless you don’t know what to communicate or your partner doesn’t care. They tell you it’s easier with a caring partner but that doesn’t make it easy. They tell you to be comfortable with your own skin but they don’t tell you how. I think you get the picture.

You’re Not a Freak

What they don’t often tell you is that it’s okay not to orgasm. The fact is, that some women and, yes, even some men cannot and will not no matter how much time they spend at it. Of course, it’s hard to believe that when everywhere we turn, we’re told that the goal (maybe even the point of sexuality) is orgasm. That’s what movies tell us when beautiful stars erotically explode – and simultaneously, no less! – on screen. It’s even reflected when sex ends as our male partners orgasm. If their end-game is orgasm, shouldn’t ours be? It’s a belief deeply steeped in tradition.

I’d like to challenge that belief. If you stare to fixedly on that goal, you’ll miss the other pleasures – both physical and emotional – sex has to offer. Does oral sex feel any less good if I don’t orgasm? No. Does orgasm necessarily make intercourse more worth the while? No. Does lack of orgasm detract from emotional intimacy? Again, no. I’d like to stress that sex can still be highly rewarding for all parties despite a lack of orgasm. In fact, many people consistently enjoy having sex without having orgasm, without even thinking that something is lacking from their sex lives.

Because it’s not.

Orgasm is bonus and even though I’ve had my fair share, it’s not something I rely on. Even if I feel frustration, and it’s certainly human, I’ve learned to let it go. Maybe next time, maybe not. Either way it’s okay. And it’s that letting go which is essential. More than one woman has been able to experience orgasm only after she stops trying for it. Orgasms have surprised the unexpecting during long and luxurious sexual sessions with no goal in sight just as they have come upon women who are doing no more than the laundry or reading a book. And a welcome surprise it is but it’s only the cherry on top of the sundae.

Not only is it normal to have difficult achieving orgasm or to not be able to but it’s okay if that doesn’t change. It’s okay if that’s not your goal. It’s okay if it is, too, but you shouldn’t spend so much time working toward it that sex actually becomes a negative, unpleasant experience. It’s okay to be however you are.

Experimentation is Key

Sometimes it’s the case that women who are struggling with orgasm have masturbated and just haven’t gotten much from it. They may not have experimented with different styles or focuses of masturbation, which I have touched on before. The same can be said for sex.

  • If you have previously focused on internal, vaginal stimulation, try clitoral stimulation or even stimulation of other areas of the body like the nipples.
  • If you’re focused on fingers or a penis, try a sex toy.
  • If you’re tried vibration to no luck, try stroking or tapping or twisting.
  • If you normally masturbate lying, try sitting, leaning, squatting, or on all fours.
  • If missionary sex is your repertoire, expand it to include doggie style, girl on top, spooning, or side by side sex.
  • If you only participate in PIV, try oral, manual stimulation, anal or a combination of several.
  • Try stimulating the back wall of the vagina, instead of the front, or the areas around the clitoris instead of the clitoris itself.

But don’t do anything if it’s uncomfortable, stressful or otherwise unpleasurable. Remember to enjoy yourself.

Check Your Head Space

Unfortunately, orgasm is that much more likely to happen if you do experiment so reluctance to engage on sexual activity is not very conducive to achieving your goal. If you have mental hang ups regarding your body, your relationship or your sexuality, you will need to work through them and some of them may even be bigger than you alone can handle.

I highly recommend talking to your partner about the feelings and thoughts you have; our partners can be our greatest resources (especially when it comes to feeling good about ourselves) when it comes to sexual frustration and often desire no more than to make us happy but don’t always know how. On the other hand, if you are unwilling or unable to talk with your partner (or they are), then your inability to orgasm could easily be linked to unhappiness stemming from your relationship. Especially for women, happiness inside the bedroom starts outside of it.

Sometimes simply discussion with family or friends can relieve what has plagued us for years. Connecting with others who share your concerns may be key to unlocking the issue and you may be able to find a support group either locally or online – like these on WebMD. Just browsing the internet or reading a magazine which is sex positive can help you realize that sexuality and exploration are both normal and healthy, and by association, so is exploration of those facets of your life.

Whatever your issue, a self help book, which enables you to delve deeper into the root of the problem instead of simply the symptom (inability to orgasm), may do the trick; they can be especially helpful with tips to help improve self image. However, sometimes problems are so large that we need to seek outside, professional help. Although taking that step can be frightening and finding a professional who is right for you can be frustrating in itself, and involve its own trial and error, it can open to doors to being a more fulfilling satisfaction in your sex life and other areas.

Of course, in today’s world where information is freely available online, many of these resources from books to support groups to professionals can be had from the comfort of ones own home (and without the apprehension one may feel at reaching out). You might try Googling “Sex Positive Professional in [Your Location]”, “sexuality support groups”, “improving self image” or “communication about sex with your partner” for starters. There are absolutely no limits to finding information just as there should be no limits when it comes to expressing your sexuality in a healthy and pleasurable manner, whether or not orgasm is included.

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The Ins and Outs of Female Masutrbation

June 9th, 2009

It’s been a while since my last article and I apologize. Inspiration is sometimes fleeting. Also, I admit it: I think the title is pretty clever.

In one of my previous articles, I touched on just how unknown female sexuality is to males and females alike. Female masturbation is a sometimes overlooked aspect of female sexuality and although I like to consider myself somewhat enlightened about sex, much of the world is is still in the dark about the subject.

While some of us are avid connoisseurs have been masturbating for what seems like a lifetime, there are a few who aren’t even aware that, yes, females can masturbate. Some women stimulate themselves without even realize what they’re doing. It’s likely that some of those ladies are the ones who don’t know females can masturbate.

Heads up!

Females can masturbate. Without exploration, some women would never know about these powerful little buttons which can be so key so sexual pleasure. We can touch ourselves or use objects like vibrators or even pillows or teddy bears to make ourselves feel good. And you may have been doing it since you were just a little girl, developing you masturbatory style subconsciously. Many times, these styles focus on one external sweet spot, as opposed to internal stimulation: the clitoris.

Unfortunately, the clitoris isn’t really stimulated during sex, without making a point of it. Sex doesn’t simulate masturbation. Nor does masturbation tend to simulate sex (although some females focus on internal masturbation, the clitoris usually takes center stage). This leaves all parties involved confused as to just how get a woman off. The media portrays men as having not a clue and, in order to perform well, they need instructions like the secret book in American Pie. Unfortunately, it’s not just the men who don’t understand their partners; females have just as difficult time understanding their own bodies and the masturbation techniques which can work best for them.

The fact of it is, male masturbation is pretty obvious. It’s easy to simulate intercourse and it works. That’s not to say that it can’t be expanded upon but it doesn’t need to be and there’s a lot less grey area. Female masturbation, on the other hand, isn’t always so cut and dry. Mimicking intercourse doesn’t necessarily cut it for a lot of women, yet that is the accepted expectation. Although it seems like that are a lot more variations to female masturbation, it may take more work to uncover them than with male masturbation.

Female Masturbation
I wonder just what she’s doing?

The aforementioned teddy bears and pillows are high on the list of what a young girl may have used to masturbate. I preferred a blanket and never considered using my stuffed animals for such intimate matters but I was apart of the humping school of thought. Sometimes I gravitate back toward the ol’ blanket method, balled up between my legs, but these days I also find a lover’s thigh or even face make wonderful humping instruments as well – and away I grind – for humping involves a lot of hip.

Of course, like males, we also have built in masturbate toys: our hands. Using a palm for diffuse pressure or fingers to stroke, tap, pinch and rub provide various methods of stimulation. Another popular selling point of fingers any hands are that they’re super portable; if you dare it, you can masturbate just about anywhere.

Another group of female masturbators have come to love water play. Whether it’s the spray of a removable shower head or the flow of a tub faucet, women have been using water to creatively stimulate genitals for who-knows-how-long. And what better place to get dirty than when cleaning up privately, in the bathroom?

Another popular method of masturbation (which is not just limited to the vaginally-enabled like) is thigh and muscles squeezing. Although I could never get off from squeezing my thighs alone, I recall doing so whilst sitting in class, prompting arousal while no one else was none the wiser. Some believe that squeezing thighs muscles indirectly stimulates the clitoris but I personally felt arousal within – it was G-spot stimulation. This could be a result of squeezing PC muscles (subconsciously) along with thighs muscles.

I would not pretend that internal stimulation isn’t pleasurable for many women, because it is, and I know I wasn’t the only girl who experimented with a taper candle. Honestly, the jokes about bananas, cucumbers and hot dogs did have to start somewhere. They’re just a sampling of the objects girls have perverted into makeshift dildos and almost anything with a handle can work: brushes, lint rollers, ice cream scoops, razors and flashlights all serve nefarious purposes that some would never suspect. But while others were discovering which buttons to press vaginally, I soon found myself traveling a different road.

Let us not forget the ever popular vibrator. Internal, external, dual stimulators (and sometimes more) are staples in many a nightstand. While I would never presume to downplay the significance of these instruments, as many women who have been sexual frustrated have finally found release through mechanical friends, it is usually not the first step in our natural progression of masturbation. At least, I find myself using vibrators (and dildos) in ways that can be used similarly to how I masturbated without toys.

This article by no means covers every method of female masturbation. I knew of a women who would lean forward, one leg in front, while she ground her clit against her heel. Women have been enjoying the vibrations of household appliances (spin cycle, anyone?) for years. Many women are turned on and can achieve orgasm through the seam of their jeans rubbing against their vulva. And masturbation is not limited to genitals, alone. I would hazard a guess that nearly all body parts can be stimulated to produce orgasm.

Female masturbation is still a more taboo subject than its male counterpart which is unfortunate because even the tip of this iceberg is more vast than some male masturbation routines ever will be. I can personally attest to the merits of every method listed, even if I prefer some over the others and I invite all women to do so because masturbation is healthy.

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Laya Spot

January 8th, 2009

Hey! You can check out how I feel about Layaspot years later in this post in my A Toy A Day feature, where I give older toys another go ’round. Fun Factory has also released an updated version, the Laya II. Check out my review!

The Laya Spot might be small but it should never be underestimated. This toy’s tiny stature was both surprisingly small yet enough to get me off time and again. It has quickly rekindled the passionate spark in masturbation for me, causing me to increase my frequency. I would not be lying if this was the only toy I could for the rest of my sexual life, I would be satisfied and I think everyone with a clit should own one.  Period.

No matter how detailed a toy’s description is, I am nearly always surprised at its size when it finally shows up. Perhaps it was because of the close ups of the Laya Spot, but I didn’t realize it was so tiny. It’s no mini bullet but it easily fits in the palm of my hand, making masturbation much more effortless than before.

My Laya Spot is black and purple with the main body of the toy being a softer black Elastomed and the controls and battery cap a hard purple plastic.  This makes it a fairly hypoallergenic toy which can be cleaned with soap and water but Fun Factory does not recommend boiling or wiping down with alcohol so I’m not sure it can be sterilized.

Overall, it’s a quality toy which even the packaging suggests. I had heard that Fun Factory has impressive packaging and I must concur. The Laya Spot came in a box which didn’t waste a lot of space or packaging.  The box contained two “flaps,” with a bit of information about the toy. These flaps folded down and stayed in place with small magnets.  My Laya Spot also came with a small instruction sheet (in several languages) and a sample of Fun Factory’s water based (thus safe for everything) lube, ToyFluid.

The Laya Spot is a really unique shaped toy which I think is its best selling point. The rounded ends work perfectly for stimulation and I think this toy would work well for women of all shapes and sizes and perhaps even regular massage, too. With my fingers reaching toward the controls and the heel of my hand resting over the battery pack, I can easily control the Laya Spot. I use it like the instructions suggest, placing the Laya Spot over my mons. However, it could be used in a variety of ways – perhaps with the battery pack stimulating the vaginal opening which I didn’t try. The placement I like would also work well during many sexual positions so I hope to try that, too.

This position worked well when it came to using the controls. For the most part,  I was able to reach and use the controls which include 2 buttons. Holding the + button turns it on (while holding the – button turns it off) or increases the vibration. After the highest level, which I thought was pretty impressive for this small toy, it begins a couple patterns of pulsation.  So you have a lot of options, quite literally, at your fingertips.

Although the vibrations were very nice, I used this toy without having it on and also got off. I think the innovate shape is that effective. I also didn’t love the pulsation settings so I kept it on regular vibration most of the time. There are something like 7 levels of vibration so that certainly didn’t disappoint.

Most of the time, I used the Laya Spot through my panties. This wasn’t for any real reason but it definitely worked out. I finally decided I wanted to try out this little toy with the included lube so I lubed it up, slipped out of my clothes and began my merry journey. The combination of no fabric and lube provided a sensational vibrating feeling and the tip of the Laya Spot glided easily where I directed it with my hand. I soon came a handful of times.

I have yet to play with the Laya Spot and not orgasm so I’ve been pretty impressed. I also have had very satisfying orgasms with this toy and I am the queen of frustratingly unsatisfying orgasms so that says a lot. In fact, I feel so relaxed after playing with the Laya Spot. I’m usually so uptight about everything and something about this little toy just clicks with me and is extremely pleasing.

I also love that it’s small enough to take just about anywhere, which I imagine I will do in the future. It’s shape makes it fairly discreet so people won’t automatically know what it is. It is a little loud for its size, especially on higher settings but it’s not something you’ll hear through a wall.

So, is there anything I don’t like about the Laya Spot? The answer is “yes,” sadly. It’s only splash-proof, not waterproof. It would be damned near perfect if it were waterproof. The battery cap does seem pretty snug but I am not going to risk it. The battery cap is another issue. After inserting batteries (2 AAA), I didn’t close it all the way. The last little push you need to firmly close the cap, which twists on,  is pretty hard so it can seem like it’s fully closed before it is. Before I realized this, the cap popped off a couple of inopportune times.

Finally, and I don’t know if it’s just me, but the Laya Spot had a rather offensive odor when I first opened it. It was something like super-condensed BO. It has gotten better as I have washed it a few times since then and generally keep it in the fresh air. I really don’t know what this is about. I haven’t really read any reviews where others have experienced the same thing so I don’t know if it’s necessarily a material smell or what but it’s really, really unpleasant. Luckily, everything else about this vibrator is so impressive or I might have given up on it.

If you like clit stimulation, the Laya Spot is a great vibrator, any way you look at it. The unique shape made this an amazing toy, even when used without vibration and I cannot recommend it enough!

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Cup n Cradle

October 22nd, 2008

Cup N Cradle
Cup N Cradle
$32from Wild in Secret

I love dual stimulators, having mostly used rabbits and wanting to expand my repertoire, I decided to try the Cup N Cradle. It’s a reasonably priced and unique looking toy so I gave it a shot. The Cup ‘n Cradle is really the first of its type to grace the market. With it knobby G-spot stimulator stemming from the cradle-shaped clitoral stimulator which rests against your clit with its many soft finger-like protrusions, the Cup N Cradle is certainly different from any of dual stimulation vibrator, let alone the traditional vibe! With a remote attached by wire and a vibrator bullet, the Cup N Cradle certainly seems inviting and its small size is perfect for even a first timer. Did I mention it’s made completely of a soft, semi-transparent jelly?

This toy is 100% fool proof. Slip the G-spot stimulator into your vagina and the clitoral stimulator will cover a wide surface area around your clit to give you increased pleasure over other, smaller clitoral stimulator. Slide the button on the remote up and you will feel pleasurable vibrations wash over your most sensitive spots. Grasp the toy as its base and apply pressure and movement to your heart’s desire.

However, while the toy may be wonderful in theory, is falls short in application. I found that the jelly material, the position of the bullet vibrator and the controls all were lacking in some way and this prove detrimental to the experience.

Although the Cup N Cradle is powerful for such a small unit, it’s best to always use it with fresh batteries. Batteries anything less than new will provide a less intense vibration, as with many toys. With a new pair of AAs, the Cup N Cradle was too strong for me to use at top speed. It was most comfortable somewhere in the middle.

While a strong vibrator is generally a positive thing, the location of the bullet meant most of the vibrations were concentrated on my hand rather than my clitoris or G-spot. In fact, while the bullet did stimulate my clitoris, the vibrations were non-existant when it came to the G-spot stimulator. Many of my sessions were cut short because my hands were so irritated from tkaing the brunt of the vibrations. Needless to say, I was not an orgasmically happy camper on these occassions.

One of the most noticeable aspects of the toy is its soft jelly material. For anyone who likes their toys soft and closer to the ‘real thing,’ the Cup N Cradle might be right up their alley and it definitely allows for a lot of flexibility. It especially feels nice over the clitoris and the surrounding area with the tiny nubs rubbing against flesh. The cradle provides a unique suction to the skin which is quite pleasurable.

However, I have found that the jelly material of this toys is, perhaps, too soft. I cannot achieve the desired pressure that I need to easily orgasm with such a soft toy. This is especially a problem when it comes to achieving the pressure that many women need on their G-spot, especially when the vibrations are so weak in that part of the toy.

Also, the sliding control leaves much to be desired. I’m not sure if all sliding controls are so ineffective, but the Cup N Cradle did not have nearly the range of vibration intensity that I expected after several uses. It seems that somehow the slider had loosened up requiring that the button be slid nearly 3/4 of the way up before the vibrator even turned on, greatly reducing the range of vibrations. At this point, the Cup N Cradle is vibrating at almost full force. However, if I press the slide down forcefully with my fingers, I can make Cup N Cradle turn on at a lower setting. This does not make for a relaxation experience.

Futhermore, the slider does not allow the vibrations to increase gradually and smoothly. Instead, the vibrations increase in a rather jerky manner which can be a bit distracting. I would prefer a remot with digital buttons or another type of technology which offer more precise control over the vibrations of the toy.

Overall, the Cup N Cradle isn’t bad. With a little patience and practice, it can be quite the diligent helper when it comes to achieving orgasm, espcially with its strong vibrations and wide coverage of the clitoral area. However, the Cup N Cradle would be improve with a more rigid material, better bullet placement and controls which are smoother and more precise.

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