A little self discovery..

January 13th, 2010

One thing which I have been contemplating, which is appropriate for me to post about here, is that I may perhaps be a little bit, at least not quite as dominant as I thought I was. Okay, submissive. Domination is something which appealed to me but I struggled with. It took so much thought, sometimes too much. I strived for it because it was intriguing but also because I have always tried to over-control everything in my life for fear that lack of control would find it spinning helplessly out of control. Oh, look at that! It did so anyway.

My relationship issues have highlighted my tendency to be negative and the defense mechanisms I had grown accustomed to using to deal with my insecurities, most of which did me absolutely no good. And, you guessed it, trying to control everything was one of those. It’s damned exhausting but the idea of losing control was so scary that I never even let myself play a different role or, perhaps, be myself fully in the bedroom. I have decided to take a deep breath and let go with almost everything. To just let things happen and to not drive myself crazy when the little things don’t go my way. I have decided to relax and think positive, I suppose.

This has led to a few thoughts that were buried in my subconscious because I wouldn’t allow myself to have them. One of them, that I might want kids. Not now, but someday maybe and anyone who knows my stance on children will find that ground breaking.

The other thought that took me by surprise (and actually during sex) was that there may be a submissive side to me that would really like to come out. Maybe not all the time but I think there it something there that could thrive, under the right conditions. And it certainly takes the stress away from trying to impose something on my relationship that didn’t completely fit. Perhaps being open to something I was terrified of before will let me develop more fully and bring me back to the place I wasn’t ready to approach before. Perhaps not. It’s certainly eye opening either way.

2 Comments


What to Say When She’s Tied Up

March 29th, 2009

The other day, a newbie joined a community of which I am a member. This person posted on the forums asking for help. You see, his wife had recently expressed to him her desire to be dominated and while he wanted to help, he wasn’t exactly sure how. I suspect this loving husband was not the only one who was confused. It seemed as though the wife, although she had acted as a “freaky lady” (his adoring words, not mine) was also confused about what she wanted. Perhaps she felt shame or embarrassment or was simple as uncertain about what steps to take to explore this new side of her sexuality.

She was able to eventually explain that while, yes, the physical was a turn on, it was really the words that got her juices flowing the most. As a fellow word lover, I can understand. Her husband, as eager as he was to assist, just didn’t know exactly what to say in the bedroom in order to give his wife the dominance she desired.

I found his plea for help refreshing and the way he wanted to work with his wife to explore this was touching. Although no expert in BDSM, I have been interested for many years. I might also I have played out many a BDSM fantasy in my head (sometimes as masturbation fodder, yes) and I thought I would give him a few suggestions.

  • Use words and nicknames which designate that she is the one without power. IE: little, girl, mine, bitch, slut, whore, etc (“Daddy’s girl,” “You’re such a slut for me,” “What do we have here? A cock hungry little girl?” “Do you like it when I do X”)
  • Require permission for things like switching positions, stopping oral, taking off clothes (yours, hers or both), getting in a certain position, etc and inflict punishment when this is ignored. (“Did I say you could do that?” spank when she does not ask permission or ignores)
  • Require her to address you in a certain way (“Sir” “Master”)
  • Tease and/or offer things in a manner which reminds her who is in charge (“wouldn’t you like that?” “you want me to go down on you, do you?” “Do you think you deserve X?”)
  • Use words like “allow” “give” “permission” “acceptance” when referring to letting her do/have something while she uses terminology which says she wants you to do X rather than “we do X.”
  • Make her “earn” treats such as oral, vaginal or anal sex, massage or her favourite position and show gratefulness for what you do (If you grant permission, require her to say “Thank You” or show it! “What do you say when I allow you to do X?”).
  • Require her to be ready for sex in a certain room and position at X date and time (“I expect you to be spread eagle, naked on the bed this Friday as soon as I return from work.”)
  • Suggest (and enforce) how you want her to appear (shaved pussy or not, panties/bra, other clothes, makeup and hair). Give her a “check” every X days.

The fact is, exploring anything new can be difficult, especially if you have a routine which works. We fear sounding or looking silly or unattractive even if we find new ideas to be arousing. The first time I wore something especially ‘sexy’ for my husband, I was terrified even though we were already married. I knew he would ultimately still love me and find me attractive even if he didn’t like what I put on but what if he just found me to be stupid?

And I’m not alone. Taking the first steps to incorporate BDSM into your sex life, wear a sexy costume, do a strip tease or role play can all be daunting tasks. Fortunately, I have some advice for all of these things. Sometimes you just have to fake it ’til you make it. As cliche as it sounds, sometimes we have to push ourselves to do uncomfortable things and fake the confidence until we actually develop it and can enjoy these activities.

On a more specific level, the mechanics of movement and words to use during specifics situations are things with which many struggle. People want to know what to say and how to say it and having a guide to work with can also bolster confidence. A lot of times, we can fudge our way through uncomfortable situations if we have something to work with. Remember the oral sex manual from American Pie? It was revered not only because of the content but because of the impact is had on those who used it.

So, for this doting husband who wasn’t sure what to say in order to dominate his wife the way she wanted, I suggested he say these things.

2 Comments