Why Ask a Stranger? (or “Go Talk To Your Partner”)

January 13th, 2010

Having been around the internet a time or two, I’ve sought out advice from others. Who hasn’t? But as my knowledge in just about everything expands, I find myself being the one who offers instead of seeks counsel, more often than not. I don’t mind. In fact, I thrive on it. I love helping people and answering questions. And if my advice works? Excellent. I give myself a little pat on the back and feel hopeful that someone has somehow worked over and issue in their life whether it’s communication within a relationship or just finding the right sex toy for them.

But I have come to notice a certain type of question which I cannot answer – not because I am unfamiliar with the territory or even because I disagree with something that gets someone off. No, the questions that bother me most are the questions about relationships and dynamics and communication which clearly should be asked to a partner, not random strangers on the internet. Don’t get me wrong; it’s good to show initiative. If you want to do something a little extra special, I’ve got ideas. So does everyone else and these ideas are not necessarily dependent on your partner’s tastes or relationship status. But I cannot answer these questions

  • Why is my partner less interested in sex?
  • Why does my partner no longer initiate sex?
  • Does my partner still love me or find me attractive?
  • How do I deal with my partners ED/disability/insecurities without talking to him or her?
  • What does it mean when my partner ignores my advances?

Yet, if your partner’s interest in sex has decrease or his or her attitude has altered suddenly, I cannot tell you why. I just can’t. I’m not your partner. I don’t share his or her stress at work or home. I do not react to things the same way nor do I have the same life experiences. My life influences and brain chemistry are, quite simply, incredibly different. I don’t know what makes your partner tick and, if you’re asking me, it seems like neither do you.

Perhaps the internet offers anonymity when it comes to our problems. We can say “this is going on” without saying “and my name is John Smith and I live in Miami with my wife, 2 children, cat and dog.” Sex is not always the easiest thing to talk about and I understand that but sexual and romantic relationships frequently suffer from lack of or poor communication. Sure, some relationships are completely effortless but most are not. You don’t need to talk to the world about your sex life; you just need to talk to the person(s) with whom you are having sex.

Get off the internet (after all, you signed on to ask your question) and have a heart to heart with your lover. Ask about changes in behaviour or reluctance to do a certain activity. Ask why things are different from how they were in the hot and heavy days or why things just never seemed to pick up from the beginning. Ask your partner how he or she feels and offer a shoulder to cry on. Perhaps you will find that your partner has been struggling with something and you can help.

Your partner may be relieved that you brought up the subject. It offers both of you the opportunity to make improvements, something which cannot be done when one or both partners are in the dark about the other’s feelings. Sometimes we forget that our partners have the same fears and aspirations as we may and we can fight them together, not fight one another because of them. Occasionally, you are positive something is a problem when talking can reveal it to actually be a misunderstanding. You may find that knowing more about your partner may make you feel closer and boosts your confidence in your relationship. Conversely, not speaking about these options frequently only exacerbates the problems.

Of course, there are some guidelines to follow when talking about sexual issues and many of them have to do with when to bring them up or, rather, when not to. Don’t bring up your concerns at any of these inopportune times:

  • Right before sex
  • In the middle of sex
  • Immediately after sex
  • In public (or in front of the in laws)
  • During a fight (especially not as ammunition)
  • When there are distractions (computer, TV, kids, phone, while preparing dinner et cetera)

Every effort should be made to express your feelings and concerns without putting blame on your lover. Pay attention to your partner’s responses, both verbal and nonverbal. Body language can serve as a guide to the success (or lack there of) of your discussion. Allow your partner to speak freely and avoid making assumptions; ask for clarification when need be. Finally, be open to suggestions. Ask how things can be improved and avoid dictating measures your partner “must” or “should” do. After all, you probably don’t want to be commanded yourself.

Unfortunately, sometimes knowing what is going on in a partner’s heart or mind (or pants) can pose problems that we cannot overcome. Sometimes talking paints a clear picture but it’s not of a happy ending (Cinderella style, not massage). I think sometimes people reach out to strangers, looking for a way to deal with symptoms of larger problems rather than admitting to themselves or their partners, all so they can continue to avoid the inevitable. But sometimes the inevitable (especially when it’s a parting of ways), although difficult in the present, offers the best possible future.

Either way, talking to your partner will truly shed light on a situation. It may not be the best light. Let’s face it, the truth is not always comfortable but the truth, as they say, can set us free.

I am just a stranger on the internet who has no ideas what is really going on in your head or in your bed.

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Categories: Articles

Does it help?

November 29th, 2009

Last night I saw a post by Essin’ Em in which she discussed a post by Sinclair Sexsmith on the subject of “femme invisibility.” My long-story-short understanding is that femmes are frequently assumed by folks straight and queer alike to be straight based on looks. There’s a lot of judgment that can deal someone quite the mental or emotional blog. I sympathized by Essin’ Em’s account and the countless comments on Sinclair’s post and chastised myself for being guilty of treating people similarly in the past (hey, I’m only human). I had to sign off before finishing them because I should have headed to bed hours before.

Now, I’m not lesbian and, even if I were, probably wouldn’t fall into either category but these comments all got me thinking and think is what I did as I lay in bed for over an hour, still not sleeping. And the thought that struck my was “does the internet help?” I thought of e-mailing Essin’ Em but decided just to blog about it.

Does the internet help reduce this invisibility? Does it allow femmes to congregate, to boost each other’s esteem or just to hear a sympathetic voice? Does it help by allowing issues like these to be discussed? To point out to people who may be participating in this offensive and hurtful behaviour (and who may not even know it), why it’s offensive or hurtful? To pass along helpful hints about how to react/deal when someone does treat a femme as invisible? Does it help because the people you meat judge less based on looks? And, if you meed them face to face, are they more accepting because you knew each other online? Does it help point people in the direction of people, places or groups who do not behave in such a manner? Do any potential lessons actually go farther than the screen?

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Categories: Everything Else

Stockroom

Stigma of STDs

November 24th, 2009

A while back I was reading a piece in Best Sex Writing 2009 about the advent of online dating communities for people with STDs. The article talked about these different communities, some aimed for STD sufferers in general and others aimed for folks with more specific STDs, which aid people in finding similar folks. It’s supposed to help folks in a couple ways. First, it helps to get the message across because the fact that So and So has X virus is right out in the open. There’s no third date jitters because you don’t know how your partner will react to the bad news. It also helps people look for others with the same STD/strain so they needn’t worry about giving it to someone else.

But it definitely reduces the dating pool. In the article, one of the users of such a site mentioned how there were only ever 1 or 2 folks in her location on the sites and those were not matches made in heaven. It can be difficult to find even a possibility, nevertheless a hit, on general dating sites whose users surely number in the thousands think AdultFriendFinder or a specific match sites like think Alt.com. So reducing those numbers even more can make the task of finding a partner even more hopeless, under the guise of hopefulness. To put it plainly, it’s hard enough to find someone (or sometimes several) when you’re considering all the fish in the sea but STD dating sites are just a little pond.

I’m not entirely sure that folks with STDs should have to limit themselves to that little pond. Not only are the pickings sometimes slim but it’s all too easy to write off someone because their STD status is displayed so prominently. Assuming everyone chooses their partners wisely (ha!), there are circumstances where STDs do not have to be the deciding factor of a relationship but the stigma is so high that it can even penetrate a community intended for those whose STDs run the gamut. If someone with disease X can turn his nose down on someone with infection Y, it’s no wonder there’s such a stigma around STD sufferers in general. It’s no wonder someone thought it would be a good idea to make such a dating site (not that it’s not).

And the stigma? Is there. It’s certainly real. There’s a “them versus us” mentality. I’m not proud to say that I’d had an STI invade my body and I still think that way sometimes. I try not but it comes so easily. I imagine the type of person who could possibly be so stupid or silly and I realize that.. I was that person. I start thinking about my friends and acquaintances, knowing at least 3 of them have all had at least one STD or STI. We’re not loose women – some of us have only ever been with one person – and we’re certainly not stupid. Our cabinets aren’t stocked with cocaine nor are we sex workers. Basically, no one I know with an STD has fit any fantastic stereotype of an STD sufferer.

It’s then that I realize it’s now “us” and “them” because they are us and vice versa. If I could have an STD, then so could my best friend, my mom, my coworker or my neighbor. Not only is it plausible, but it’s likely that more of my friends and family than I know have struggled with an STD and, by its nature, the stigma involved with it. Science agrees: “Among those ages 15-49, only one in four Americans has not had a genital HPV infection” and 12 million Americans contract an STD each year 1. That means the other 75% have HPV and it’s likely they don’t even know it because many strains have no symptoms even even those which do can lay low for some time. I wouldn’t have known, if not for my yearly Pap and there’s currently no test for men at all. Of course, HPV is only one of many STDs. It becomes clear; although, many people who perpetuate the stigma actually have an STD. The reality is, not only is there no way to distinguish between people, it becomes far less necessary to do so (simply to feed the gossip and stereotypes), when considering the numbers.

Of course, I don’t even realize the stigma has affect me, even as I wonder if I would ever be able to have sex with someone besides my husband (should we ever get to that point) and I cringe because I don’t know what to say about my HPV. I don’t realize how easily it is to perpetuate the problem even as I picture that stereotypical “STD-person” all covered in warts and strung out in my head. It’s a stigma that does no one any good and a stigma which could use a good boot to the butt.

So does a dating site for STD sufferers help? I guess it depends on how you define the problem.

1 – American Social Health Association, Myths and Misconceptions about HPV

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Categories: Articles

Confessions of a Sex (Toy) Blogger: My Multiple Identity Crisis

November 17th, 2009

My titled sounds so provocative. Well, so does anything which starts “Confessions of..”. Except maybe a plumber. Those are some confessions I’d rather nor hear, thank you very much. Not that I have anything against plumbers but it’s a dirty job. Sometimes it’s funny to watch Dirty Jobs, the show with Mike Rowe but that’s completely off topic.

The topic is how sometimes life with a secret identity becomes confusing. You see, while some people are only their “sex blogger” identity, I have two full presences online. I run this blog, post on sex forums, write reviews for different sites, post on Twitter and am a member of some different sex communities. I do that all as Adriana. The web presence I have under my “real” identity is even more complex. I have 4 blogs (one of which is a review blog) and I manage to update at least one every day, I update Twitter, I am active in several communities and post at their forums, I have accounts at Facebook and Myspace, not to mention dozens of other sites, I play a handful of games and sometimes I take the time to enter giveaways every once in a while. The “real” me has had a full internet life for nearly a decade and it was very well established long before I became a toy reviewer.

It’s not like I don’t enjoy it. I have a wide variety of interests. There’s always something to do. I’ve met a lot of people in both worlds and I have seen, first hand, the overlap between the two. If I had a nickle for every time I saw a review for EdenFantasys on a mommy blog (while browsing as the PG-rated reviewer, not the sex toy reviewer), I could get a shiny new toy. It’s not like I do everything all the time. It doesn’t take long to Tweet or switch between accounts. I don’t get so much e-mail that it’s all I do. There are stretches when I don’t write a review at all and my blogs don’t take so much time that I’ve forgotten my husband’s face (nor would I let them). And, let’s face it, it’s not like I have anything better to do.

But in this game of multiple identities, I’ve had several close calls and a few times when I could have even “outed” myself. I’ve e-mailed folks from the wrong e-mail account, not realizing which one was selected in my e-mail client. I’ve retweeted contests under the wrong Twitter account; my other one reposts everything to my Facebook. Oops! Once I left the wrong site URL in a comment form and I’ve signed up using to some sites twice, without realizing it, having forgotten I’d shopped there before all this sex toy reviewing stuff.

But my greatest offense involves “The Google”. I am always signed into my Google account but I only ever use it to comment on blogs so I frequently forget who I am signed in as. I’ve made a comment or two as the “wrong” me. I’ve been lucky so far; I haven’t said anything to give me away. Although, there was that one time I was helping Airlia with her site with my regular Google account and it showed a link to my profile in her blog. Oops, deux.

None of those things have been the end of the world. Sometimes people don’t even notice and even if I were “outed,” I have much less to lose than others. In fact, I have directed friends of the “real” me to of Sex and Love or my reviews at other sites on more than one occasion. It’s just not a link I want to be made easily. Anyway, there’s ways to get around those silly mistakes. I mean, besides actually paying attention, some folks run multiple browsers or instances of the same browsers. Not really my thing, nor does my dinosaur of a computer want to. But I could.

The thing that gets me the most, is I never know how to sign correspondences. Obviously, “Adriana Ravenlust” is not my real name. Sorry to break it to you. It is a name I chose, with help from my husband. “Ravenlust” actually is a take on a name I’ve used as the “real” me so that’s kind of cool. It’s a name I like and it’s probably easy for others to remember because it is a real name. No one ever adds extra letters to Adriana. Well, maybe another “n” but that’s not bad. When I’m signed into chat or a forum, I feel like Adriana.

Which is why I have no idea how to sign e-mails. If you know my real name, do I end with that? If I use one of my “real” identity e-mail addresses, should I just keep my signature as it automatically shows up? Do I need to explain that the name I go by is a nickname of my real name, which I hardly use? Does it matter if we have a business relationship, like if I review for a company? Or is it just okay if I can always be Adriana and just pretend neither of us no any better? I don’t really want to be rude, you know. I just don’t (know).

What do you do?

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Categories: Everything Else

Babeland

Personally, Passionately, Anonymously Yours

October 1st, 2009

I write about sex here, on this blog, because I want to and I can. It’s really as simple as that and the internet has created a place where I can do it. What’s more, people seem to want to read what I have to say and this is great motivation to keep doing it.

Although the internet has prompted a lot of discussion and behaviour that aren’t exactly positive or productive, it has certainly created a forum for discussion of a sexual nature and I appreciate it. Whether someone finds a sympathetic shoulder, reassurance or even advice to seek medical attention, the internet has allowed people to come forward with their ideas, thoughts and concerns. This is important because sex is such a private topic that people are sometimes reluctant to discuss it even when they should, sometimes especially when they should. Not to be too dramatic but I do think that the internet has helped people make some positive decisions regarding their sexual health and that’s a priceless benefit in my opinion.

As I said, sexuality is a private thing and a personal thing. That fact makes it so interesting to so many people. Because I literally cannot replicate every possible experience, I am limited to my own mental and physical responses to sex. Even though these may (and have!) change over time, I will still only have experienced the tip of the iceberg in my lifetime. The internet allows us to share these personal experiences more freely than we might have, because of anonymity. We can see how others are more like us than we may have imagined and how others are far more different than we ever might have thought.

This sharing can affirm that, yes, we have had fairly typical experiences or that, no we haven’t. The internet can help to show us that our experiences are not typical, for better or worse, and help us to appreciate them anyway. Sex is one of those areas in which almost any discussion is good discussion. The internet offers priceless aid in this, especially if our personal lives otherwise prohibit discussion.

Of course, sex is also a passionate subject. Sure, some people could go either way but their are advocates speaking loudly on the behalf of sex as well as those who speak, just as loudly, against it. All of these opinions can be heard on the internet. If you can’t tell, I am for sex, for discussion, experimentation and understanding sex. It has become an important part of my life and I wish for others to have positive experiences like mine.

Which brings me back to why I love being able to blog here and participate in sexuality communities. It allows me do that, to help others, to offer than sympathetic shoulder or to urge medical assistance. It lets me feel as though I am helpful.

Unfortunately, the anonymity of the internet also makes it easy to say and do things without much, or any, repercussion. People can behave in ways that are not helpful and they do not need to take responsibility of their actions. Feeling passionate about a subject can illicit responses which aren’t so strong in the productivity department, even if the intent is not malicious. The anonymity of the internet can further excuse such behaviour until it eventually turns malicious.

This is what happened with some recent comments on another article of mine. I understand that the sharing on the internet sometimes winds up with messages we’d rather not hear, experiences which we do not share and opinions with which we disagree. I respect that for that is part of what makes the internet great. On the other hand, just because sex is a personal and passionate matter does not mean we have to respond in unfruitful ways. We can still agree and be productive.

We can disagree without coming off as defensive, rude or ignorant. We can read experiences which differ from our own (and share ours as well) and both experiences can be valid. Jumping to the defense or offense or posting hastily (which is often done in such an immediate environment) can prove detrimental to the positive experience of the internet, especially when it comes to sex. It is the opposite of the support some need when exploring their sexuality. That can be a difficult move for some and I commend them. In fact, negative responses can start a hurtful chain of behavior, succeeding in only exacerbating the problem.

It’s important to remember that differing opinions and experiences do not invalidate your own. Your voice is no less worthy and, in fact, being unique can be a strength, not a weakness.

The internet is big enough for all and, whatever your experience, it’s okay. It’s okay if you’re straight, gay, bi, queer or unsure. It’s okay if you’re male, female or trans. It’s okay if you experience great orgasms, multiple orgasms, difficult orgasms or no orgasm at all. It’s okay if you enjoy oral, anal or vaginal sex – or if you don’t. It’s okay if you like to masturbate, have tried it and don’t like it or if you have no descire. It’s okay if everything came naturally and easily or if you’ve struggled to explore your sexuality. It’s okay if you’re vanilla, slightly kinky or a hardcore fetishist. It’s okay if you fit the trends of break the mold. Whatever you are – it’s okay.

Let that be a message you pass on personally, passionately and anonymously, on the internet.

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Categories: Articles

Summer Lovin’

August 7th, 2009

Is something I haven’t had much of. Scratch that. Any. I might have some “end of summer lovin” but in the meantime, I’ll just participate in Babeland’s Summer of Love Contest and you should, too.

The Silky Blindfold ($15) is not my usual style but it’s super elegant and boasts sophisticated colours. I bet the Pinwheel ($20) would be a great tool to use while someone is blindfolded. After that warm up, the Bare Flogger ($65) looks like something a little more intense. For a little downtime after, some cooling Massage Lotion by JimmyJane ($24).

For solo play, I’ve heard The Cone ($130) is a humper’s delight ;) . Another luxury toy I’ve had my eye on for some time and which also gets rave reviews is the Eroscillator ($145). I’ve also been eye up Lovemoiselle’s ceramic vibrators ($85) ever since they were released but I don’t know when I want the Doriane or Juliane more. What do you think?

And maybe Down and Dirty ($14.95) would be a sexy little book to read during all sorts of play.

I’d have lots of new things to try at just shy of $500.

3 Comments

Categories: Everything Else

What is Cheating?

August 6th, 2009

At first glance, a question like this might be easily answered by naming a specific physical activity. Most might consider sex to be cheating. Yet, anything more than a cursory glance will illustrate how difficult it is to define cheating. After all, even the definition of sex has become blurred over the years. There is vaginal, anal and oral. Then there’s phone and cybersex.

Still, others wouldn’t be comfortable with the idea of their significant engaging in an overly friendly hug. A kiss would be off limits. I would be lying if I said that certain non-physical acts would also fall under the umbrella of cheating, for me. My partner doesn’t have to touch someone to be cheating. Every relationship has actions which would make the parties involved feel cheated.

42-15701022Moreso, the advent of the internet has created new ways for people to communicate with one another and while there have been many benefits to this, there is also no doubt that it has also had negative and confusing effects. Where do online relationships and cybersex fall into the grand scheme of cheating? Do they not count because there is no physical contact or even because the parties involved may never even meet face to face?

As the number of activities one might consider cheating pile up, it becomes less clear just how to define it but perhaps that is because what activities are cheating is not the real issue. Furthermore, some couples don’t follow the standard definition of “sex equals cheating” at all. Where might polyamorists fall into the mess of things? Rather, focus on why these are activities considered being unfaithful not only sheds light on the dynamics of individual relationships but how society, in general, works. It also helps us to define cheating, at least as much as we need to.

I believe a universal definition of cheating would focus on committing any violation of the terms of the relationship, especially in regards to emotional and physical relationships with others. Doing so abuses trust that one party extends toward the other, resulting in one person feeling cheated. It is, perhaps a vague definition but it leaves it open to negotiation between the parties involved (and no one unnecessary). I think this definition works well for several reasons, highlighting important components in deciding what is right, or wrong, for your relationship.

Communication
Boundaries implies communication which means both parties have a chance to express what they are or are not comfortable with in their relationship. Because different people are comfortable with different aspects, communication clears up any grey areas. I don’t believe many people engage in accidental cheating. I don’t buy the “I slipped and fell on his dick” story. Consequently, I don’t think anyone should. ;) Yet, I do think that some people cross the line unknowingly because they don’t set limits with their partner(s). Of course, we’re only human and cannot predict every possible turn of events so should grey area arise, I believe it is best to err on the side of caution. For example, if I said I would one day be open to a threesome and my partner brought home a third tomorrow, this would cross boundaries.
Honesty
Let’s be honest, here. People can and do talk the talk without walking the walk. Setting boundaries is pointless if we are not honest to our partners and ourselves with which things we are uncomfortable. While discussing with a friend she said she could agree to a threesome but still feel as though her husband was cheating. I gently pointed out because she was not being honest when she agreed to the terms. If she were, she would not agree.
Beyond the Physical
When I inquired to my friends and Twitter followers as to what they wanted to see, the replies about emotional infidelity were overwhelming. Not surprisingly, these comments came from women. I cannot help but wonder if this is because women are more likely to commit emotional affairs (but that is not the focus here). One thing was clear: many people consider intimate emotional relationships to be an offense just as egregious as physical adultery. In fact, some of the responses indicated that a long term emotional affair was worse than a one time physical one, with which I would have to agree. As you can surmise, both men and women also take a similar stance on about emotional or sexual relationships developed online. Unfortunately, many people feel as though they are skirting boundaries, not crossing them, when it comes to those type of liaisons because of the grey area. They use the ambiguity to their advantage, much like the zip code rule or the belief that “it’s not cheating if it’s with the same sex”. Again, if you care about hurting your partner, err on the side of caution, not cheating.
It’s you and me, baby
One thing I find crucial to defining cheating and dealing with it within our relationships is that no one but the parties involved can define cheating. This means that what is okay in your relationship it up to you, the same for me and mine. So if your definition of cheating is maybe a little more conservative than some, that’s fine. On the other hand, if you’re a little more open minded, that’s certainly okay, too. While your definition may differ from mine, it doesn’t matter. The definition of cheating doesn’t need to be universal. It just needs to work for the parties involved. There’s no one to please and no one has a right to judge. I recently participated in a conversation with the same friend from before where she felt that even if my partner and I decided to engage in an open relationship, she would still see it as cheating. I didn’t understand how it could be if we were both absolutely honest and comfortable with the situation. If neither of us felt cheated, how could it be cheating? I think I gently persuaded her that her issue was not about cheating at all but other issues and, were she able to resolve those issues, she wouldn’t feel the need to label someone else’s activities.

So what is cheating? It’s whatever you are uncomfortable within your own relationship. No one can define it for you and no one definition applies to every relationship.

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Categories: Articles

S&M 101

July 13th, 2009

S&M 101
S&M 101
$29.95 from TabuToys

Although it’s been years since I’ve had to go to school on a Monday morning, you’ll be happy to know I’ve been keeping up with my homework. ;)

For years, I have intended to pick up S&M 101 by Jay Wiseman because it has been unanimously recommended to me. S&M 101 is perhaps the quintessential BDSM book on the market and it is more than titled appropriately. From the moment I picked it up, I understood why. This is no flimsy volume but a nearly-400 page tome of information about BDSM and, although it contains much information, is it a quick read and I was halfway through it in a matter of days, simply reading through it as I waited for pages and programs to load in my computer. Furthermore, Mr Wiseman’s casual yet knowledgeable tone stresses safety and caution in all things risky (which BDSM is) without ever sounding condescending or holding the “holier than thou attitude” which runs rampant among many BDSM participants and can be a serious deterrent to struggling newcomers. It may not be the only resource in your collection but it’s a perfect first.

I suspect this will be a lengthy review, because it is a lengthy book. Although Mr. Wisemen does not discuss every single aspect of BDSM in minute detail, he covers a great many aspects and in a depth I appreciate. I like specific answers and SM101 provides me with those, specific answers about BSDM. While many of the ideas he presents are not new to me, he gives refreshing details. I’d like to take a moment to explain that, in his book, Jay uses SM as an umbrella term rather than BDSM and it seems this is simply due to the trends at the time when it was published (first edition in 1992 and this, the second edition, sometime between 1996 and 2000).

SM101 starts with a sort of introduction from Jay Wiseman about how he started writing this book as well as how he started in BDSM. It’s interesting but I found it to be long. Some of his personal experiences might have been more interesting at the end of the book; instead, they felt like a speed bump on my way to the “real” material. That material starts with a chapter on the Basic Basics which will outlines consent and safety measures – with a negotiation form – and Finding Partners which aids in finding partners through ads and club, by your sexual orientation and ends with advice for introducing BDSM to your existing relationship.

Next come several chapters on the more physical aspects of BDSM (Bondage, Flagellation, Clamps etc) as well as some thoughts on Lubricants. In these sections, the author discusses different BDSM gear, where to buy it, characteristics of quality gear and how to use it. You will not be an expert in physical BDSM but reading this book can definitely aid in your understanding of these tools. For instance, SM101 taught me that cheap handcuffs are often identical cuffs instead of mirror images and have a 3 link chain. I now know to keep an eye out for a quality pair of S&W cuffs, should I be in the market for them. Information as specific as this is available about gags, riding crops and rope, just to name a few.

Of particular note is the Bondage 1A which discusses only rope including qualities, care and illustrations of knots and the best positions with which to use them to bind a person (genital bondage, anyone?). Although I am not a fan of rope, I found this chapter to be suggestively helpful without being commanding.

The physical chapters finishes up with Erotic Torture in which Mr. Wiseman discusses various techniques of teasing and torturing a submissive from sensation play to sex toys to electricity to blades. Again, he reflects his beliefs about taking it slow and safe to minimize risk. The chapter is wrapped up with several masturbation techniques to use on a person.

The chapters following, including Humiliation, D/s Interactions and SM Relationships focus on the emotional dynamics of BDSM. Jay outlines qualities desired in both players, including the four basic duties of a submissive (To serve needs, to obey orders, to accept domination, to please desires).He touches on the significance of the collar, basic positions for training and punishment. SM Relationships probes beyond the scene, to the lifestyle. The ideas in these chapters are rather traditional and rigid and certainly do reflect power exchange well but while it will work well for some, this information may not be as helpful to others.

The remaining chapters focus on safety and resources, in general. SM Organizations suggests ways to locate and advice for joining BDSM groups but will definitely be more helpful to those who live in areas which already have established communities. Jay does include suggestions for those wanting to start their own as well. A chapter on General Safety Considerations includes BDSM while pregnant and common emergencies during a scene (The 5 Fs: freakouts, falls, fainting, failure and fire). SM and Safer sex focuses on reducing the risk of spreading STDs but focuses narrowly on AIDs. I suspect that a book written more recently would focus more on issues surrounding HPV (but they are both risks to be well aware of).

There is a chapter which outlines a typical scene between a Domme and male submissive. Following this is a chapter listing suggestions for your BDSM starter set which includes not only BDSM toys but everyday, household items which you can put to good use as well. SM Sayings is essentially a list of commandments about practicing. Related Practices includes activities/fetishes/lifestyles which tend to have overlap with BDSM like Age Play and Polyamory; Wisemen includes contact information for groups which specialize in these activities. Finding Help With Problems provides further resources for issues such as abuse and rape. Jay suggests even further reading in References and Resources, as well as some books which are not recommended.

Finally, the book wraps up with a glossary of terms used and 3 Appendices: Sample Event Rules which is self explanatory, SM and the Internet and a sobering Monograph on Breath Control Play which, by no means, should be skipped because it is the last section of the book.

As you can see, this book does discuss many aspects of BDSM and in great detail – greater than I would be able to describe without making this review too unruly (although, I would be glad to answer specific questions). Wiseman does so in a no-nonsense manner, repeatedly stressing to take things slow and use safety measures. It’s also a very approachable manner and I chuckled a time or two at the book, like when he describes helping a Domme test eyebolts in a wall with a lacey pink pillow strapped to his head, lest one pop out and hit him (it did). It is a solid book.

But it is not without its flaws. As a critical person, I found the strange font face to be distracting until I become accustomed to it. I would absolutely reprint this book using a more standard font; it looks sloppy as-is. Furthermore, Wiseman includes sometimes-relevant quotes on pages. They are generally thoughts from players which reflect thoughts and attitudes about BDSM, sometimes quotes from the page. They do not always seem to be relevant to the content on the page (sometimes I can see how they’re supposed to relate but they fail to do so) and, quite frankly, sometimes they do not add to the book at all. I have also touched on how some of the advice about interactions and relationships is very traditional and rigid. For this reason, I found the chapters about physical BDSM more helpful but this is mostly due to personal preference.

Still, the most glaring flaw of SM101 is that it is dated. Extremely so. Wiseman lists contact information in several places but it is only ever addresses and phone numbers. Unfortunately, there is no way for the reader to know whether or not this information is up to date or even if these groups and people still exist. And who writes for information anymore, anyway? I have never once. Website URLS would be entirely more useful.

Additionally, he makes many mentions of newsgroups on Usenet and, well, this summer marks a decade I’ve been using the internet and I’ve probably joined less than a dozens newsgroups in that time, none of which I ever stuck around very long. I know it’s difficult to write about the internet as websites come and go and there’s so many it could easily be a book on its own but a mention of strong sites like FetLife, Alt.com or Bondage.com would offer more potential than newsgroups which only serve as a forum for spambots. You can basically skip the second Appendix because, even though it’s probably some of the “newer” information in the book, it’s still decrepit.

I wonder why SM101 is only the second edition when there were only a few short years since the first was published. Following that timeline, it could be on the 4th or 5th printing by now.

In the end, this book is best for uber newbies, folks who have no way to contract BDSM info or those who want to introduce the subject to their lovers. It could certainly be a book to study religiously before or even have open during your first few scenes and the ideas in it will set you up well. It will still be useful for those who have a more experience under the belt and anyone who is looking for a specific piece of information which to page through once more but will not be quite as useful. Despite what I see as a major flaw, I would still absolutely recommend it in yuor collection of sex toys and information.

A realistic introduction, indeed.

10 Comments

Categories: Books, Reviews

Babeland

“Help! I Can’t Orgasm”

July 7th, 2009

I remember a time when I was a girl talking to a boy and I thrived on our sexually charged interactions but, when the time for us to actually have sex loomed on the horizon, I felt as though I needed to clear the air between us. I felt like a liar even though I’d never explicitly said it, I’d given him the impression that I was capable of orgasm and, because I was incapable of having an orgasm, I felt like a failure. It was almost traumatic, telling that boy my deep, dark secret and, even though that boy now teases me as the girl who used to think she would never orgasm, those same fears of failure, disappointment and even the guilt over lying are commonplace among women who are not able to achieve orgasm (yet).

You’re Not Alone

It’s frustrating to feel that way, certainly, but it’s not uncommon. The women who are in that situation vary. One common denominator is that these women often feel their age has something to do with it. Forums and chatrooms and inboxes and talk radio are full of “I’m X years old and I’ve never had an orgasm!” with X ranging from 18 – 80. There’s a certain sense of living life unfulfilled, especially the older they are. The younger women often seem to feel that, because they are apart of a generation which considers sex a given and information is so freely available via the internet, that they must be broken if they have not been able to orgasm.

Either way, women of all ages (and elasticities and locations and sexual orientations, so on and so forth) are no stranger to lack of orgasm. It’s neither a young woman’s problem or an old woman’s problem or a white woman’s problem or a straight woman’s problem. It’s not even a problem that affects only those who do not masturbate or only those who are lacking proper sex education or only those who have selfish partners.

And advice which assumes any of those things tends to come off as too general to be helpful. They tell you “practice makes perfect” so get to masturbating and, that’s true, unless you’re practicing incorrectly. They tell you communication is key and that’s also true, unless you don’t know what to communicate or your partner doesn’t care. They tell you it’s easier with a caring partner but that doesn’t make it easy. They tell you to be comfortable with your own skin but they don’t tell you how. I think you get the picture.

You’re Not a Freak

What they don’t often tell you is that it’s okay not to orgasm. The fact is, that some women and, yes, even some men cannot and will not no matter how much time they spend at it. Of course, it’s hard to believe that when everywhere we turn, we’re told that the goal (maybe even the point of sexuality) is orgasm. That’s what movies tell us when beautiful stars erotically explode – and simultaneously, no less! – on screen. It’s even reflected when sex ends as our male partners orgasm. If their end-game is orgasm, shouldn’t ours be? It’s a belief deeply steeped in tradition.

I’d like to challenge that belief. If you stare to fixedly on that goal, you’ll miss the other pleasures – both physical and emotional – sex has to offer. Does oral sex feel any less good if I don’t orgasm? No. Does orgasm necessarily make intercourse more worth the while? No. Does lack of orgasm detract from emotional intimacy? Again, no. I’d like to stress that sex can still be highly rewarding for all parties despite a lack of orgasm. In fact, many people consistently enjoy having sex without having orgasm, without even thinking that something is lacking from their sex lives.

Because it’s not.

Orgasm is bonus and even though I’ve had my fair share, it’s not something I rely on. Even if I feel frustration, and it’s certainly human, I’ve learned to let it go. Maybe next time, maybe not. Either way it’s okay. And it’s that letting go which is essential. More than one woman has been able to experience orgasm only after she stops trying for it. Orgasms have surprised the unexpecting during long and luxurious sexual sessions with no goal in sight just as they have come upon women who are doing no more than the laundry or reading a book. And a welcome surprise it is but it’s only the cherry on top of the sundae.

Not only is it normal to have difficult achieving orgasm or to not be able to but it’s okay if that doesn’t change. It’s okay if that’s not your goal. It’s okay if it is, too, but you shouldn’t spend so much time working toward it that sex actually becomes a negative, unpleasant experience. It’s okay to be however you are.

Experimentation is Key

Sometimes it’s the case that women who are struggling with orgasm have masturbated and just haven’t gotten much from it. They may not have experimented with different styles or focuses of masturbation, which I have touched on before. The same can be said for sex.

  • If you have previously focused on internal, vaginal stimulation, try clitoral stimulation or even stimulation of other areas of the body like the nipples.
  • If you’re focused on fingers or a penis, try a sex toy.
  • If you’re tried vibration to no luck, try stroking or tapping or twisting.
  • If you normally masturbate lying, try sitting, leaning, squatting, or on all fours.
  • If missionary sex is your repertoire, expand it to include doggie style, girl on top, spooning, or side by side sex.
  • If you only participate in PIV, try oral, manual stimulation, anal or a combination of several.
  • Try stimulating the back wall of the vagina, instead of the front, or the areas around the clitoris instead of the clitoris itself.

But don’t do anything if it’s uncomfortable, stressful or otherwise unpleasurable. Remember to enjoy yourself.

Check Your Head Space

Unfortunately, orgasm is that much more likely to happen if you do experiment so reluctance to engage on sexual activity is not very conducive to achieving your goal. If you have mental hang ups regarding your body, your relationship or your sexuality, you will need to work through them and some of them may even be bigger than you alone can handle.

I highly recommend talking to your partner about the feelings and thoughts you have; our partners can be our greatest resources (especially when it comes to feeling good about ourselves) when it comes to sexual frustration and often desire no more than to make us happy but don’t always know how. On the other hand, if you are unwilling or unable to talk with your partner (or they are), then your inability to orgasm could easily be linked to unhappiness stemming from your relationship. Especially for women, happiness inside the bedroom starts outside of it.

Sometimes simply discussion with family or friends can relieve what has plagued us for years. Connecting with others who share your concerns may be key to unlocking the issue and you may be able to find a support group either locally or online – like these on WebMD. Just browsing the internet or reading a magazine which is sex positive can help you realize that sexuality and exploration are both normal and healthy, and by association, so is exploration of those facets of your life.

Whatever your issue, a self help book, which enables you to delve deeper into the root of the problem instead of simply the symptom (inability to orgasm), may do the trick; they can be especially helpful with tips to help improve self image. However, sometimes problems are so large that we need to seek outside, professional help. Although taking that step can be frightening and finding a professional who is right for you can be frustrating in itself, and involve its own trial and error, it can open to doors to being a more fulfilling satisfaction in your sex life and other areas.

Of course, in today’s world where information is freely available online, many of these resources from books to support groups to professionals can be had from the comfort of ones own home (and without the apprehension one may feel at reaching out). You might try Googling “Sex Positive Professional in [Your Location]“, “sexuality support groups”, “improving self image” or “communication about sex with your partner” for starters. There are absolutely no limits to finding information just as there should be no limits when it comes to expressing your sexuality in a healthy and pleasurable manner, whether or not orgasm is included.

2 Comments

Categories: Articles

Community

June 27th, 2009

There are many adult communities online but, unfortunately, the mere mention of of the word “sex” can cause a place to become the dredges of the internet so it can be difficult to find intelligent and open minded discussions about sexuality. Luckily, I have found a few and it’s interesting the overlap, and sometimes lack there-of, the member bases have. In the event that you are looking for a new or additional home on the web, try these places:

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Categories: Everything Else

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