The 5 Things

February 14th, 2013

Earlier, my good friend asked me what five things I require of someone to be in a relationship with them. You know, those five traits. I think I’ve really lowered my standards lately but not in a bad way. I’m being more fair and open minded. I don’t even think all five of these are necessary, but they’re all good. For example, physical attraction and sexual compatibility go a long way to overlooking personality flaws because, as I’ve discussed, I’m sort of a shallow.

Here’s my list:

  1. Has a sense of humor
  2. Allows me to express feelings
  3. Sexual compatibility
  4. Makes me feel a priority
  5. Sexual compatibility

The running  joke with another friend lately has been how I need someone who I can “tell my feelers to and fuck hard.” Ultimately, that’s about all I need, but I’m not going to be able to have satisfying sex with someone if I’m not attracted to that person. Emotional security won’t happen if I can’t express my feelings — and not just those about the relationship — to my partner.

After always feeling like I wasn’t part of my ex-husband’s life, I really need someone who makes me feel like a priority, both in his interactions with me and those with others that might concern me. Someone who can make me feel like the only person in the world, then, is definitely on the right track.

And there might be someone in my life who meets these criteria in a way that feels good enough for me. We shall see what happens.

 

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Categories: Dating, Everything Else

I’m Not a Magic 8 Ball

December 5th, 2011

Earlier today I had a helpful conversation with a good friend. We both talked about our current boy/girl woes and he helped me feel like I’m not crazy. It’s not that I feel like I am crazy but I sometimes suffer from self-doubt. Not the helpful type (“Hey, maybe this isn’t the best idea”) but the unhelpful type (“OMG what if this isn’t the best idea?!?!?”). I’ve been wondering if I’m setting myself up to be hurt, if I need to draw the line with the Hot Nerd, cut out all the cuddles and silliness and seriously cut back our amount of communication. Some of my friends think I should have a long time ago and even those who don’t are sick of me talking about him because nothing has changed, I know.

But my friend suggested that maybe I’m doing things right. He agreed that it seems like there’s something there with the Hot Nerd and, after I explained everything that had happened with him, he suggested that maybe my friend had more issues with opening up and connecting than I had realized. I assumed that the Hot Nerd would be able to do so because he readily admitted he was a sensitive guy — it was one of the first things he said to me — but maybe I was expecting too much and too much too soon. We both agreed that I could be a safe place for the Hot Nerd and that I could potentially help him to learn to connect, even if he wound up connecting with someone else. Either way, I’d learn something about myself.

I hadn’t really given thought to the fact that the Hot Nerd might be insecure of have trouble connecting and I’ve probably glanced over his lack of experience more than I should have. Perhaps our issues are due far more to his insecurities and his own issues than I realized. He’s nothing like my ex-husband in the way that he handles things (he’s definitely more accepting of himself) but I do see to be attracted to the sensitive, silly type. My friend thinks that, given what I’ve told him, it seems like there’s something there.

His advice to me is to wait and see how things progress. If I’m a safe place, things could work out. I may get hurt but it might not even be because of the Hot Nerd. I should keep my other options open but, as I’ve explained, nothing more appealing than the Hot Nerd has presented itself. For now, I’m content to be in the confusing and somewhat frustrating situation with the Hot Nerd. After talking with my friend, I feel like it’s something I can do. I can be patient and I can guard myself just enough that I won’t necessarily be torn asunder should things turn out less than ideal. He complimented the fact that I’d even go that far for the Hot Nerd.

It was a validating and eye-opening conversation all around. I’m glad we had it.

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Categories: Everything Else

A little self discovery..

January 13th, 2010

One thing which I have been contemplating, which is appropriate for me to post about here, is that I may perhaps be a little bit, at least not quite as dominant as I thought I was. Okay, submissive. Domination is something which appealed to me but I struggled with. It took so much thought, sometimes too much. I strived for it because it was intriguing but also because I have always tried to over-control everything in my life for fear that lack of control would find it spinning helplessly out of control. Oh, look at that! It did so anyway.

My relationship issues have highlighted my tendency to be negative and the defense mechanisms I had grown accustomed to using to deal with my insecurities, most of which did me absolutely no good. And, you guessed it, trying to control everything was one of those. It’s damned exhausting but the idea of losing control was so scary that I never even let myself play a different role or, perhaps, be myself fully in the bedroom. I have decided to take a deep breath and let go with almost everything. To just let things happen and to not drive myself crazy when the little things don’t go my way. I have decided to relax and think positive, I suppose.

This has led to a few thoughts that were buried in my subconscious because I wouldn’t allow myself to have them. One of them, that I might want kids. Not now, but someday maybe and anyone who knows my stance on children will find that ground breaking.

The other thought that took me by surprise (and actually during sex) was that there may be a submissive side to me that would really like to come out. Maybe not all the time but I think there it something there that could thrive, under the right conditions. And it certainly takes the stress away from trying to impose something on my relationship that didn’t completely fit. Perhaps being open to something I was terrified of before will let me develop more fully and bring me back to the place I wasn’t ready to approach before. Perhaps not. It’s certainly eye opening either way.

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Categories: Everything Else

Thank You

November 21st, 2009

A few months ago – and it does seem longer than that – I was blogging about the frustrations of, well, blogging. I was burned out and bummed out and entirely unsure of whether or not I would continue with this whole sex blog thing. A few of you commented and I felt a bit better and then I went back to life as usual which, at the time, included looking forward to yet another anniversary without my husband. Thank you deployment.

In the months since then, I feel like things have turned around. I kept working with some pretty awesome sex toy stores who have provided me with countless products to test (many of which I have bashed on this here blog). I am posting this because I just checked my website stats and my daily unique visitor count has crossed 600. I don’t know when I passed 500 but it’s great to see the continuous rise.

And I guess you like reading those scathing comments and ridiculous praises (sometimes) because I was named number 16 on the Top Sex Bloggers of 2009. I hadn’t even realized, deleted the e-mail when I got it because I figure I got maybe one nomination and no one would even put me on the list but to be 16? Number sixteen? Sweet sixteen? I would never have known, had I not been peeking over at Insatiable Desire to see what Cinnamon is up to and see the post about them being listed. I’m sure I looked like a total bitch because I didn’t reply. But now I did click, I did see, I did reply. My jaw did drop, of course.

Thank you, to whoever nominated me and to the judges. I am listed with and even above some amazing people and awesome writers and I’m grateful to even be on the list, let alone so high.

But that’s not all. I was recently accepted as a Sexpert in California Exotic’s new review program and have been contacted directly by other companies to do some reviews. In fact, I received a comment directly from Nomi Tang herself on my Better Than Chocolate review. Wow. Just wow. So thank you to all the manufacturers who appreciate my honesty, whether tactful or not!

I am not a humble person. I am all too guilty of being quite ego centric. I am always right, damn it. The world ought to revolve around me. But I know when it’s time to say thank you. So, thank you! (Perhaps this is the perfect prelude to Thanksgiving.)

And as much as I appreciate the visitors and their comments, the opportunities provided to me by stores and manufacturers who send me product in return for my opinions, there is something which means so much more. Although he may not really be into sex toys, my husband is always supportive and as excited as I am when I tell him my most recent “good news” – sometimes more so. Whether it’s numbers or new opportunities, he is just awesome about appreciating what it means to me. In fact, when I told him about making the best sex bloggers list, he asked me when I found out. When he realized I’d known for almost a day, he demanded to know why I didn’t tell him sooner.

But, really, what I should have told him sooner is “Thank You.”

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Categories: Everything Else, internet, Site

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