Of Babies and Age

August 3rd, 2010

I’m a member of a forum where a woman just recently posted about her pregnancy. She had decided to become pregnant, got off of birth control and they were successful very shortly afterward. I was excited for her but I also felt something I’d never felt before when someone made one of those announcements:


Now, people who know me well are likely to say “Who are you and what did you do with the real Adriana*?”

Because they know how vehemently I denied wanting children up until a few months ago. Even I couldn’t ever have imagined a time when I would want kids. As a close friend put it

“Because you are/were the last person anyone expected to be jealous of that.”

And it’s true. Yet here I am. Jealous.

If it’s a shock to them, you better believe that it’s a shock to me. I had no idea. It’s like one day a switch just flipped and I caught a glimpse of the type of happiness that a child could bring. I felt it in my soul. Part of it has to do with the maturing I have had to do to face the issues with my relationship. I realized why I was only thinking of myself and now that I don’t have to do that, I am really looking forward to having to think about someone else. Don’t get me wrong, I know that the reality is that parenting is hard but part of me is looking forward to do some hard work for the good of someone or something else.

The thing is, I’m only 24. I know this. And a lot of other people seem to know this because they point it out to me. You’re getting divorced? No problem! You’re young. You have lots of time to meet someone else! You want a baby, don’t have one yet! You need to get a degree, start a career, buy a house or invent a new car first.

And I appreciate the thought. I know it’s meant to make me feel better but I’m kind of impatient so it doesn’t really work. When I think about it, I know I haven’t even lived half my life, if I only live to be 50. I don’t know if it helps but it’s true.

But there’s something else going on there, too. A friend recently reminded me that I have always been “older” than my peers, in my head. I think it’s still true today. I expect people to act differently than they do because I forget, they’re only 24. They are still young. It’s no wonder they’re concerned about sports cars. Or hooking up. Or partying. Or things that just never mattered much to me because I somehow managed to skip the decade in which those things are the only things that matter. I generalize, I know. I apologize if you feel like I’m applying a stereotype to you. I just mean to say that I am the exception, not the rule. Sometimes I forget that. But when I remember it or explain it someone else, we both understand me much more.

What’s more. I kind of like feeling and thinking like this. I don’t see anything wrong with it. I’m glad I’ve avoided some mistakes others have made (although, I’m not glad about my divorce). I’m just impatiently waiting for everyone else to join me. Maybe in 10 years they will. Maybe not.

Until then, I guess I still have plenty of time to work on that baby.

*They probably are using my real name.

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Seven Questions (Following 7 Reviews in 7 Days)

January 29th, 2009

Okay, so I had 8 reviews and my timing was not perfect but I still got the job done. I hope you all enjoyed and you can rest assured I will not be releasing such a stream of reviews in the future. LOL

I thought it would be fun to top it off with a little 7 Questions meme going on around the internet. Sienna tagged me a few days ago so here you have it:

Rules are:

  • Link to your host tagger
  • Write 7 things about yourself.
  • List the rules.
  • Tag 7 new people.

I am super detail oriented. And I guess the rest of the world isn’t. It’s strange to think that not everyone has a critical eye. As you can guess, I am somewhat of a perfectionist and it can be quite the curse.

I am a Gemini. I display the traits of the twins pretty well. I can be reasonable and irrational, controlled by thought and emotion, thoughtful and thoughtless. I have always felt like I displayed opposing extremes and this sometimes makes be uncomfortable with my personality.

I blog actively. I think that blogging in the sex blogosphere is more of an afterthought, a passive activity for some. For me blogging, in one of my many blogs, is active. I process everything through a filter which categorizes every action, idea and event as either blogworthy or nonblogworthy. I blog simply for the sake of blogging.

I am very much attracted to the Gothic aesthetic. I don’t look it so much anymore. After graduating and gaining some weight, I’ve had some difficulties with my look. Still, on other people and even items and for home decor, I love it black. Deep reds and purples are also a favourite. Velvet and lace are so feminine and time-tested!

I love body mods but only have 1 myself. This relates to the appearance issues I stated before. Also, I’m really indecisive sometimes. I thought about getting my industrial done for about 5 years before I actually did it. LOL

I can be super indecisive when it comes to shopping. I will look and look and look at something and love it but not bite the bullet for years – or for ever. The internet and its loads of products don’t help much at all. I think this is related to my upbringing; we didn’t have a lot of money so we didn’t have a lot of things. Now, I can buy more things that I want but I recognize the value of money and most of the time, I just let myself window shop.

I am bisexual. No, I’ve never been with a woman but I know I am bisexual just as much as I know I’m a female. (Actually, I may be more sure about being bi). I don’t know if I’ll ever get the chance to act upon those desires and I do feel a tinge of regret but I also have a wonderful husband who really loves to please me.

I tag: Essin’ Em, Sleeping Dreamer, Alpine Subdreams, Panthera Pardus, Thursday’s Child, Scarlet Lotus and Dangerous Lilly


So Here We Are

July 17th, 2008

A sex blog? Really.

Really, a sex blog. Not that surprising consider how interested I have been in sexuality these past few years. Not that it’s a recent interest, either, just an exponentially growing one.

I remember when I was younger, in middle school, I would spend the night at my best friend’s house. I wold tell stories of a teenaged girl with her skirt too short who snuck out of her bedroom window at night to meet in something of a fort with her older boyfriend. After, she’d boast of her sexual adventures to her friends, showing them the physical signs of her escapades: bruised, scratched and inflamed skin.

Th stories were largely inspired by the movie Fear, a sort of sexual thriller/horror schlocky piece starring Mark Wahlberg and Reese Witherspoon. The male character was based on an older male friend, with whom we both were taken for a short while. I assume we bought imagined the female character to be an extension of ourselves.

At the time, neither of us were sexually active and although we may have thought about it and wondered what it was like – I know I did – I don’t think either of us actually wanted to participate in it, yet.

I spent many of those years and even my younger ones obsessing about sex or, rather, what I thought sex meant and entailed. My assumptions were based on the images and ideas forced on my by the media: television movies and books. Music didn’t seem to hold all the innuendos that it currently does.

Although I understood the mechanics of sex, I don’t think I understood what a complex issue it was. I still felt that my interest was something shameful and although I had been masturbating since before I was a tween, I wasn’t comfortable discussing it. Sex was, simultaneously, something slightly unnatural and shameful as well as something I greatly yearned to be having so that I could join that special club.

My younger self viewed sex as something teenagers were having who were in highschool. It was a social status, something that set them apart. I envisioned my own sexuality as a way to be accepted; if I could prove myself attractive and appealing perhaps I would not have so many issues as I had with my body and appearance, especially my weight. Maybe this would give me an edge over those who would otherwise beat me in every other way.

Could sex really do that for me? Perhaps. I suspect that the thoughts I were entertaining would eventually have led to some sort of downfall and ultimately and even poorer self image than the one I had, as is normal for those who try to validate themselves by being sexually active.

Although erroneous, my thought pattern is typical, I think, especially for young teenaged girls. Sex is a complex and confusing activity about which we’re rarely given the right information at the right time (younger, really is better).

Unfortunately, the realities of sex and the extremes portrayed in the media are often not one in the same. Sex is rarely perfect, often messy and sometimes a disappointment. It’s not always the most wonderful thing in the world nor is it awful, traumatic and debilitating. Sex doesn’t always involve months of romantic planning nor is it always spontaneous (and still perfect!). I think sex is often somewhere in the middle, something Hollywood would never want to admit to.

The reality is that the scope of human sexuality is something far grander than I ever could have imagined at that point and sex is never “always” something. Every time is different and every time offers a new opportunity to learn, to experience and to grow.

Sure, some people will boat their exploits as a way of showing status but, when it comes down to it, there are not the type of people I would choose to associate with and that is not the type of attitude that will get me anywhere.

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