Tonight, I Met a Guy

December 12th, 2015

Tonight, I met a guy I’d been talking to online for a few days. It’s not a long story; although, it is interesting. To me, at least.

I’ve been playing a game called Ingress lately. It’s sucked up a lot of my time, and I’ve met a few new friends through it. Ingress is a local MMO, so I’ve been talking to and occasionally running into people in the area.

A few weeks ago, I came across the OkCupid profile of someone who plays the game because he uses the same name in both places. I hadn’t seen him being active in the game the entire time I’ve played, but he did create some missions in the area so I recognized the name. i didn’t message him because, to be honest, he’s not quite my physical type.

Fast forward a couple days and I see he’s become active in the game. Then, he messages me on POF the next day. I recognize his pictures and reply solely because we play the game and it’s an interesting coincidence. Instead of answering his questions, I complained — in a friendly manner — about him attacking me in the game.

This prompted some fairly consistent conversation back and forth. While I wasn’t quite sure if we clicked, we moved communication off site. We’ve had fun talking, and a lot of talking we’ve done. but as things seemed more like they could be something, I became even more anxious to meet him. And as someone who is already anxious to meet anyone, this isn’t a  great thing. To my credit, I was upfront about this. To his credit, he’s been incredibly understanding and helpful about it.

We’ve very missed each other by very short time frames playing our games, and I found this both amusing and, perhaps, a bit relieving because I didn’t have to meet him. He’s politely inquired a few times, and tonight went out specifically with the intent of crossing my path.. only i slipped back home after missing him by an entire two blocks and a few short minutes. I wound up going back out specifically to meet him when I saw he was out, and we met. Although, maybe meeting a stranger a 1am isn’t the best idea ever. Heh.

It wasn’t terrible though. A little awkward but not the most awkward meeting I’ve ever had. To my surprise, he’s better looking in person. I don’t think he photographs well. He has an adorable dog and he knows when to laugh at my jokes. I had a decent time, which is more than I can say for 90% of the times I’ve met a guy in person after talking online.

I think I slightly prefer the way we communicate online, but there’s at least something worth exploring here.

We ended with a hug that I, strangely, found myself holding onto longer than he did.

We departed on a high note but I wanted to send him a quick message before he headed to bed and I headed to the Internetland. He mentioned that it was well worth it to stay up late enough to cross paths with me, and I feel quite flattered. He’s really such a kind and good person, which is a relief and would probably make for an awesome friendship if nothing else.

But aside from that, I’m glad to have finally met someone again. It’s been years since I’ve done that. I went on so many terrible first dates/meetings. I didn’t want to go on any more. And the longer it had been, the scarier the idea had become.

So, yea, I met a guy.

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6 Picture Mistakes Men Make on Tinder

June 25th, 2015

Having spent a little bit of time on Tinder over these last few weeks, I’ve found myself both frustrated and befuddled about some of the photos choices that guys make. And we’re not just talking about fish; although, there are plenty of those pictures to hate, too. No, it seems like guys don’t want me to swipe right — or is it left — when they do these things.

1. All of Their Photos Are Group Photos

Guys do this a lot. It’s great that you’re not addicted to selfies. It’s awesome that you have friends.  And that you fish, hunt, like your car/truck, have climbed mountains, go to parties and have tons of hot female friends. Except none of those things helps me determine who you are when I’ve never met you every picture is of multiple men. Often, those guys all look pretty similar. So give us a single, clear picture of your face or tell us who you are at the very least.

2. Photos Only Depict Animals

I like cats and dogs. I have cats. It’s cool that you do, too. Or something even weirder. But you’e not your pet. This shouldn’t be your main photo on Tinder (but maybe you can add just one). In fact, no one should use their pets — or kids! — as their profile picture on any social network.

3. There Are No Clear Facial Shots

Unless you’re only looking for the hookup so you plan to show off only your body for privacy reasons, then we want to see your face in a recent and flattering photo. With smart phones, it’s really not all that hard.

4. All Photos Show Are At the Gym/Flexing/Pulling Up Your Shirt

A good body is great, okay. But that doesn’t need to be all we see. After all, if you wear well-fitting clothing, your physique will show through just fine. And shouldn’t you make it seem like you’re not trying that hard? Maybe?

5. The Photos Look Like Honeymoon Pictures

Tinder is obviously a hookup app. If you’re with someone and haven’t made it clear that it’s open, you’re shooting yourself in the foot. Plus, I can’t help but wonder if guys use photos with their exes as an ego boost. Like “Look how hot my ex is!” This just rubs me the wrong way, every time. So while that may be a stellar picture of you, it probably shouldn’t be your main picture,

5. There Are Repeated Photos

Tinder’s profile options seem pretty buggy to me. I tried to upload one picture today, and it deleted 2 — including my profile picture. But it doesn’t take long to double check and fix those errors.

6. There Are No Photos At all

For a micro-dating service that provides only two ways for people to learn anything about it, it’s important that you utilize the most important method — photos. I think I speak for most people when we realize you have low self-esteem if you refuse to post photos. Most people might not be attracted to you, but no one will have the chance if you don’t let them at least see you.

And while some people will tell you not to use selfies, that’s a far lesser offense than doing any of these things in my opinion. At least I know what you look like when you do that!

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Virgin

March 31st, 2015

He was a virgin. That was something I’d sworn I would never do. It felt so sex negative, judging someone based on their virginity. After all, it was a social construct that really meant very little. However, I just couldn’t bring myself to deal with the responsibility of being someone’s first let alone the awkwardness and having to be patient with someone learning.

Okay, I admit it: I’m selfish. But I’m okay with that, and I’m fine using that as my excuse not to sleep with virgins. So how exactly did we get on the topic of this virgin?

Now, I didn’t know he was a virgin at first. He was a reasonably good-looking guy I scrolled past on one of the many dating sites I frequent. And by frequent, I don’t mean that I troll them for NSA encounters. I’m not opposed to them, but if that’s the kind of mood I’m in, it’s Tinder for me.

So I see this guy who isn’t totally offensive to my eyes and whose profile has better spelling than a middle schooler. I flick through his photos and see a couple of tattoos and decide that asking about his ink will be my ice-breaker.

Flash forward a few weeks and daily messages. The conversation is fun, and I think I might actually want to meet him, and I never would have gotten this far if he had advertised his virginity. It wasn’t something he wanted to brag about, and I understand why. People like me would have looked right past him.

But I did look at him and the idea that maybe I want to meet him has crossed my mind a time or two when I sign in one night to see a picture of his newest tattoo, an intricate tribal-inspired sleeve that shoots right down his perfectly-sculpted bicep, flows across his arm and ends right below his fingers. I may be a sucker for ink, but his artist definitely had skill, and the design was done well even if it wasn’t something I would have chosen for myself.

So I express my admiration for this new tattoo while wondering what exactly that arm might look like with his fingers buried in my cunt, and he takes me by surprise by offering to show me in person. It was certainly an offer I couldn’t resist.

A few nights later and we’ve sitting across from one another at my favorite dive bar. It’s a quiet night, with a few rough-around-the-edges trucker types and a pair of barely-legal patrons who are taking turns picking top 40 hits on the jukebox.

I’m surprised I took note at all, to be honest. This guy, the virgin, was even better looking in person. His hair was artfully tousled, and he wore a pair of glasses he’d neglected to post photos of. That was quite all right with me, however; I’m a sucker for a guy in a nice pair of specs.

We do the awkward introduction thing, but the ink conversation gives us a good excuse to talk about something, anything, other than the weather. But it doesn’t feel forced like all those terrible first dates I’d been on in the past. He seems genuinely interested me, smiles often and teases me the way guys do when they’re attracted to you. I can tell I’m blushing. I can’t help it, but I’m not sure I want to, either.

We sip a few drinks, volley questions back and forth and make commentary about the other customers. He, as it turns out, likes little dives like this, too. I nod approvingly as one of my favorite Bad Company songs comes on the speaker, and my head begins bobbing to the music.

He surprises me with a completely casual comment about how he’d always wanted to have sex to the song. I’m pretty sure my ovaries are singing his praises, and that’s when he says it.

“But I’m a virgin.”

I try to pass it off that this sexy, flirtatious guy with ultra-hot tattoos has somehow avoided having sex. I’m sure my lack of a poker face did me no favors, but I tried to hide it by taking a long drink from my glass.

He’s obviously accustomed to negative reactions, and he rolls with it, segueing into a question about my own tattoos, which we have somehow failed to remark upon. I show him the symbol of my favorite singer on my forearm, and a spiderweb lace piece on my shoulder while talking about my plan for a black-and-white sleeve on the other arm.

I mention the sugar skull on my left thigh, regretting that I’d worn jeans so he won’t be able to see it, but he doesn’t miss a bit as he grins mischievously and asks if I want to drop trou in the bathroom to show him. It’s so hard to believe he’s a virgin.

While I certainly would have declined that invitation had it come from a stranger at the bar, it didn’t seem quite so odd coming out of his mouth, and his charm was irresistible. I downed my drink and we made our way to the bathroom, trying not to be obvious in a bar with only a handful of customers.

There’s a strange sort of anxiety I feel about virgins, and it certainly reared its head as I wiggled out of my jeans. I wonder if this was the first time he’d seen a woman undress in any way, or if he’d perhaps had heated make out sessions with a former fling that just never lead anywhere.

Under the unflattering bathroom light, my tattoo comes into view, and he seems to take it all in while the last few notes of the sexy song faded away through the door behind me. I take a moment to myself, trying to quietly exhale while his inquisitive eyes were on me.

But then they are back on my face, and I am reaching to pull my jeans up from around my knees. This wasn’t part of his plan, it seems, as he steps forward, pressing my back against the door and leaning down to kiss me fiercely. It’s unbelievable, the type of chemistry I am feeling with this, this, virgin.

It was like electricity courses through his mouth, straight to my lips, jolting across my tongue and igniting throughout my body. If I’ve ever considered breaking my virgin rule, this was the best reason I’d yet had. And if he were to bend me over that grimy bar bathroom sink, I would have my legs and braced my ankles while greedily taking every inch of his cock.

He doesn’t. I knew he wouldn’t, so why is it that his hands have pushed my jeans further down my calves? Why would he carefully lift one foot out of the leg of my pants? And why is he leaving the other entrapped? The swirling has barely stopped from our kiss. Now, my head is swirling with other thoughts.

I don’t know if everyone else experiences it this way, but when someone’s mouth and tongue first make contact with my clit, it’s like a switch flips. There are no more thoughts. It’s feeling, it’s energy, it’s adrenaline and it’s noises that can barely be qualified as human, but it’s not about thinking.

So when he pulls aside my panties and pushes his tongue between my folds against my clit, I’m not relieved that I had worn underwear worthy of showing someone else. I’m not thinking that we’re in a dingy bar or that the bartender, a friend who willy surely give me hell later, has likely noticed our extended absence.

What I do is sigh, my chest heaving with the effort, gasp and allow him to lift my free leg over his shoulder. I lean back to support myself, ruffle my hand through his hair, and let this near-stranger swirl his tongue around my clit and lap at my body with wide, soft licks that cause my legs to quiver.

I bite my lip to stop myself from moaning loud enough that anyone in a two-block radius could hear me, and I push my hips toward my new friend as he adeptly slides three fingers into me, my most sensitive parts surrounded by my body. His tattooed arm, just like I had imagined it, stretches out between my legs.

His mouth and his hand work in tandem, as my body threatens to give out beneath me. For a brief moment, an image flashes in my mind of the bathroom door breaking behind me and us tumbling out, me with only one leg in my jeans and him with his hand up my cunt.

But his eager attentiveness to my needs quickly snaps me back to the present, and I press his face against my body with renewed vigor. As best as I can, I grind my cunt against his face, glasses be damned.

Now, I may be lucky that I can cum easily, but there’s denying that this guy is damned good at what he was doing. It’s one of those moments that feels like it both takes a lifetime and is over in a heartbeat, but I’m sure it’s no more than a few minutes before I am cumming — shuddering and nearly collapsing against him as only the muscles in my pussy seem able of working correctly for that brief moment.

And then he is done, sliding the fabric of my panties back across my vulva, lifting my jeans back up to my hips and buttoning them as he leans into me for another fiery kiss, the taste of me still on his mouth. I can feel him, his hardness and heat, as he presses his body against me.

Sure, he might have been a virgin, but he won’t be one for long.

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Things That Ensure I’ll Ignore Your Online Dating Profile

January 19th, 2015

Maybe I’m too picky. Maybe I shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. Maybe I should understand how hard it is to write a dating profile. After all, I’ve redone mine multiples times. It might help for me to give people a chance even if there’s no immediate spark. It is the Internet, after all. I might find some diamonds in the rough. Or something.

But I don’t. Maybe I can’t. I go running when people post photos full of fish. And I certainly don’t respond to messages that do any of the following:

  • Consist only of a compliment of how I am a “beautiful woman.”
  • Use pet names.
  • Imply that I need someone to take care of me in any way
  • Enforce gender roles in an ignorant way (see above) or conflict with my feminist ideals
  • Aren’t accompanied by at least one photo
  • Come from someone who spends more time working out than sleeping every day
  • Are copied and pasted
  • Contain a single word, especially if it’s spelled incorrectly
  • Use too many emoticons

I feel like I’m getting dangerously close to Seinfeld territory here, but I’m also not obsessed with the idea of finding or being with someone, either. I’m pretty awesome riding solo, and someone would have to be pretty fantastic to make me reconsider.

And the thing is? someone who I have amazing chemistry with will make me forget all these silly rules.

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