“Help! I Can’t Orgasm”

July 7th, 2009

I remember a time when I was a girl talking to a boy and I thrived on our sexually charged interactions but, when the time for us to actually have sex loomed on the horizon, I felt as though I needed to clear the air between us. I felt like a liar even though I’d never explicitly said it, I’d given him the impression that I was capable of orgasm and, because I was incapable of having an orgasm, I felt like a failure. It was almost traumatic, telling that boy my deep, dark secret and, even though that boy now teases me as the girl who used to think she would never orgasm, those same fears of failure, disappointment and even the guilt over lying are commonplace among women who are not able to achieve orgasm (yet).

You’re Not Alone

It’s frustrating to feel that way, certainly, but it’s not uncommon. The women who are in that situation vary. One common denominator is that these women often feel their age has something to do with it. Forums and chatrooms and inboxes and talk radio are full of “I’m X years old and I’ve never had an orgasm!” with X ranging from 18 – 80. There’s a certain sense of living life unfulfilled, especially the older they are. The younger women often seem to feel that, because they are apart of a generation which considers sex a given and information is so freely available via the internet, that they must be broken if they have not been able to orgasm.

Either way, women of all ages (and elasticities and locations and sexual orientations, so on and so forth) are no stranger to lack of orgasm. It’s neither a young woman’s problem or an old woman’s problem or a white woman’s problem or a straight woman’s problem. It’s not even a problem that affects only those who do not masturbate or only those who are lacking proper sex education or only those who have selfish partners.

And advice which assumes any of those things tends to come off as too general to be helpful. They tell you “practice makes perfect” so get to masturbating and, that’s true, unless you’re practicing incorrectly. They tell you communication is key and that’s also true, unless you don’t know what to communicate or your partner doesn’t care. They tell you it’s easier with a caring partner but that doesn’t make it easy. They tell you to be comfortable with your own skin but they don’t tell you how. I think you get the picture.

You’re Not a Freak

What they don’t often tell you is that it’s okay not to orgasm. The fact is, that some women and, yes, even some men cannot and will not no matter how much time they spend at it. Of course, it’s hard to believe that when everywhere we turn, we’re told that the goal (maybe even the point of sexuality) is orgasm. That’s what movies tell us when beautiful stars erotically explode – and simultaneously, no less! – on screen. It’s even reflected when sex ends as our male partners orgasm. If their end-game is orgasm, shouldn’t ours be? It’s a belief deeply steeped in tradition.

I’d like to challenge that belief. If you stare to fixedly on that goal, you’ll miss the other pleasures – both physical and emotional – sex has to offer. Does oral sex feel any less good if I don’t orgasm? No. Does orgasm necessarily make intercourse more worth the while? No. Does lack of orgasm detract from emotional intimacy? Again, no. I’d like to stress that sex can still be highly rewarding for all parties despite a lack of orgasm. In fact, many people consistently enjoy having sex without having orgasm, without even thinking that something is lacking from their sex lives.

Because it’s not.

Orgasm is bonus and even though I’ve had my fair share, it’s not something I rely on. Even if I feel frustration, and it’s certainly human, I’ve learned to let it go. Maybe next time, maybe not. Either way it’s okay. And it’s that letting go which is essential. More than one woman has been able to experience orgasm only after she stops trying for it. Orgasms have surprised the unexpecting during long and luxurious sexual sessions with no goal in sight just as they have come upon women who are doing no more than the laundry or reading a book. And a welcome surprise it is but it’s only the cherry on top of the sundae.

Not only is it normal to have difficult achieving orgasm or to not be able to but it’s okay if that doesn’t change. It’s okay if that’s not your goal. It’s okay if it is, too, but you shouldn’t spend so much time working toward it that sex actually becomes a negative, unpleasant experience. It’s okay to be however you are.

Experimentation is Key

Sometimes it’s the case that women who are struggling with orgasm have masturbated and just haven’t gotten much from it. They may not have experimented with different styles or focuses of masturbation, which I have touched on before. The same can be said for sex.

  • If you have previously focused on internal, vaginal stimulation, try clitoral stimulation or even stimulation of other areas of the body like the nipples.
  • If you’re focused on fingers or a penis, try a sex toy.
  • If you’re tried vibration to no luck, try stroking or tapping or twisting.
  • If you normally masturbate lying, try sitting, leaning, squatting, or on all fours.
  • If missionary sex is your repertoire, expand it to include doggie style, girl on top, spooning, or side by side sex.
  • If you only participate in PIV, try oral, manual stimulation, anal or a combination of several.
  • Try stimulating the back wall of the vagina, instead of the front, or the areas around the clitoris instead of the clitoris itself.

But don’t do anything if it’s uncomfortable, stressful or otherwise unpleasurable. Remember to enjoy yourself.

Check Your Head Space

Unfortunately, orgasm is that much more likely to happen if you do experiment so reluctance to engage on sexual activity is not very conducive to achieving your goal. If you have mental hang ups regarding your body, your relationship or your sexuality, you will need to work through them and some of them may even be bigger than you alone can handle.

I highly recommend talking to your partner about the feelings and thoughts you have; our partners can be our greatest resources (especially when it comes to feeling good about ourselves) when it comes to sexual frustration and often desire no more than to make us happy but don’t always know how. On the other hand, if you are unwilling or unable to talk with your partner (or they are), then your inability to orgasm could easily be linked to unhappiness stemming from your relationship. Especially for women, happiness inside the bedroom starts outside of it.

Sometimes simply discussion with family or friends can relieve what has plagued us for years. Connecting with others who share your concerns may be key to unlocking the issue and you may be able to find a support group either locally or online – like these on WebMD. Just browsing the internet or reading a magazine which is sex positive can help you realize that sexuality and exploration are both normal and healthy, and by association, so is exploration of those facets of your life.

Whatever your issue, a self help book, which enables you to delve deeper into the root of the problem instead of simply the symptom (inability to orgasm), may do the trick; they can be especially helpful with tips to help improve self image. However, sometimes problems are so large that we need to seek outside, professional help. Although taking that step can be frightening and finding a professional who is right for you can be frustrating in itself, and involve its own trial and error, it can open to doors to being a more fulfilling satisfaction in your sex life and other areas.

Of course, in today’s world where information is freely available online, many of these resources from books to support groups to professionals can be had from the comfort of ones own home (and without the apprehension one may feel at reaching out). You might try Googling “Sex Positive Professional in [Your Location]”, “sexuality support groups”, “improving self image” or “communication about sex with your partner” for starters. There are absolutely no limits to finding information just as there should be no limits when it comes to expressing your sexuality in a healthy and pleasurable manner, whether or not orgasm is included.

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Intimate Organics Intense Clitoral Stimulating Gel

June 2nd, 2009

I’m sorry for not posting sooner. I’ve just been burned out lately but I’d like to get reviews up this week of all the products I currently have so I can dedicated time to everything I’m waiting on in the mail, instead of things I’ve already tried.

Anyway, tonight’s review is actually a positive one about Intimate Organics Intense Clitoral Stimulating Gel which TabuToys was gracious enough to provide me. If you remember, I purchased some Adam&Eve clit sensitizing gel about this time last year and wasn’t really impressed. However, the second time around has proved to be more effective, as it well should with any product which claims to be “intense”.

Intimate Orgcanics is a name which is getting more press these days. I’m not sure if it’s just new or if retailers are starting to carry its products – most of which are sensual – or if people are gravitating to these “pure vegan” products but my first foray has been pretty rewarding. My tube of stimulation gel comes in a small box. The packaging features splashes of green and deep pink on a monotone background and looks very classy overall. Both the tube and box feature a sensual image of a woman’s abdomen but there’s nothing explicitly shown.

Intimate Organic’s advertises the use of “certified organics” in this (and, I believe, all of their) products. The intense stimulating gel contains “organic extracts, .. natural damiana, L-Argenine and L-orthinnine to increase blood flow to the clitoris” but it contains no menthol. If you’re conscientious about ingredients, this gel has no DEA or parabens. I really don’t care either way but I might choose this over a similar product if neither stood out in any other way. I do know that my last product also had L-Argenine and Christina, from TabuToys, commented about the ingredient. So heads up:

Your readers may also want to know that L-Arginine containing products can trigger outbreaks in users with genital herpes.

Another ingredient listed is peppermint oil. This does give it a slightly peppermint scent and, had I known this, I wouldn’t have accepted it to review because I have such an aversion to anything minty. However, it’s not a strong minty smell and I almost like it.

If you’re using IO’s Intense clitoral gel, you can also use latex condoms and it’s also safe to ingest but I wouldn’t say it’s meant to be edible. I dabbed a bit on my arm and gave it a lick. It does have a slightly sweet/spicy taste that is reminiscent of the peppermint but is not exactly minty. It’s a very light taste anyway and you might not even notice it.

However, I did notice a tingling affect on both my arm and tongue after about a minute. It works! It was definitely noticeable without being painful which some stimulating products can be. Now, I’m not especially sensitive to these products so others may experience a more profound affect. Furthermore, if you are sensitive, Intimate Organics makes a Mild Stimulating Gel (which TabuToys does not yet carry).

I found the effect on my clit to be more or less noticeable depending on how much product I used. I would definitely caution that this clear liquid is very thin and it’s easy to get a whole dollop when you want just a drop. I would also recommend using the tube upside down because unscrewing it with the cap-side-down will result in the gel dripping all over the place. It wouldn’t hurt to be careful to not squeeze the tube, either.

When using more product, I could definitely feel the tingling sense but it wasn’t pleasurable or uncomfortable. I simply felt like the gel was working. If I applied after I had already been playing, it seemed to mute the effect a bit and if I was using a vibe or other sex toys, it was also a little harder to hone in on the sensations by the gel.

The big test, of course, is not just if I can feel it but if it has an effect on my orgasms. Reluctantly, I must say it seems like Intimate Organics Intense Clit Stimulating Gel does work. Every time I used it, I experienced either easier, faster or better orgasms – sometimes a combination. Of course, it could be due to other factors like my mood or the atmosphere or maybe it’s just due to the placebo effect but I think the solution is much easier: it works.

So, I won’t mind applying a little dab of this gel on my clit pre-masturbation or coitus but I probably wouldn’t use it during oral because it does have that tingly effect on tongues (I can still feel it after applying it when I started writing this review) and it’s a bit annoying. I’m sure my husband wouldn’t appreciate that.

I do wish it were a bit thicker because it can easily spill and it’s hard to control just how much product comes out of the tube. I think this may mean the tube is used up sooner than it would be but it’s definitely a bigger tube than my other clit sensitizer at 30ml. For reference, it’s definitely bigger than, say, a tube of lip gloss. I have a tube of Benadryl cream which is about the same size but I would be hesitant to estimate how many uses I could get. Your mileage may vary. 😉

So I will leave you with this. Intimate Organics has produced a clitoral gel which defnitely seems to be intense. I can feel it working and while I would like a thicker formula, I would recommend this Clitoral Stimulating Gel to others and likely buy it again for myself because it does have a noticeable effect on my orgasms.

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Symphony G-Harmony

February 25th, 2009

I want to say right away that I don’t think the Symphony G-Harmony is necessarily a bad toy.  After all, I did enjoy it as a clit stimulator and when I managed to find that “sweet” spot, it felt really good. However, finding that spot was not something which came easily or often.

I was interested in this little purple gem because I wanted to explore my G-spot. I had only had clitoral orgasms before and so I did a little searching. I thought that most of those long G-spot wands looked dorky and, as usual, my sense of aesthetic took over. I must say, in that respect, I think the G-Harmony is amazing. Its translucent purple TPR really is gorgeous and the wave like ridges  are the tip seem to really fit the name for some reason plus the base is shaped in such a way that is vaguely reminds me me of a gemstone. The way this G-spot vibrator catches the eye is almost breathtaking and I think I might even like the way it looks better all of the rest of my toys.

Evolved also provides this toy with its typical classy packaging (a fancy metal box) – this time in red with black accents. This works well for storage but I do find it to be a bit bulky so I wouldn’t use it with a toy I use frequently (it would make a good storage case for a number of other items inside the bedroom and out); unfortunately, I will not be using this toy frequently.

The first issue I ran into was that this toy is a little girthier than many G-spot toys. In application, I couldn’t twist and turn it any which way to perfect my technique (or lack there-of LOL). I wasn’t able to go from different angles; this pretty much remained in one position. Now, I like my insertable toys to be significant in size and if I were looking for a basic vibrator, I might like this size but it wound up hindering my G-spot experimentation. I already knew my body seems to be as fickle as my mind can sometimes be and I would need to be able to feel about a bit to find the perfect spot but I just couldn’t with this toy. However; I don’t think that means everyone will run into the same problem.

My next approach was to use the flexibility of this toy to its utmost potential. Between the base and the tip (where the bullet is located), there is a certain amount of give and flexibility. A lot of G-spot toys seem to be firm the whole way through and I originally liked this. The problem was, the flexibility reduced the amount of pressure I was able to exert internally so I had to try to bend the toy against the back wall of my vagina so that the tip might curve back upward toward  my G-spot. This didn’t work.

However, the flexibility was nice when it came to thrusting. When I slid the G-harmony out of my pussy, I could drag it across my clit in a a curved path, before pushing it back in and I did like this but it wasn’t going to get me off. I was able to use the G-Harmony on my clit to get off, though, which was unexpected. Sadly, it wasn’t my goal.

Unfortunately, I have a bad tendency to break toys which had a flexible spot and this wasn’t an exception. Although it’s still completely functional and beautiful, I (am pretty sure I) have just barely broken this vibrator, somehow. The flexible place is now a little floppy. While I can still use it, it certainly doesn’t help me achieve G-spot orgasm.

As the facts stacked up, I accepted that I was not going to have my first G-spot orgasm with this vibe. Although it looked and felt nice, it wasn’t extraordinary. I liked the vibrations inside and out; they were fairly powerful (without being over the top)  and the bullet location in the tip was a god thought but it was just nice. Even the ridges which give this toy its aesthetic appeal really didn’t add up to much. I’m not sure if my vag is a less sensitive than others but I really couldn’t feel them once inserted.

One thing that consistently annoys me about Evolved products is that they like to put their buttons on the bottom. This makes it easy to use (push once for on, twice to increase the power, a third time to turn it on high, and again to turn it off) but I was constantly turning this toy of by accident. I have another Evolved toy which does the same.

On the other hand, I think Evolved has made some decent TPR products. The colour was gorgeously translucent and I only noticed a slight scent. I have heard some TPR toys smell quite strongly and this wasn’t the case. The smell I noticed wasn’t rubbery or like chemicals; actually, it smelled vaguely of gasoline (and I’m one of those weirdos who like the smell).

One last note: I had a bit of difficult with the battery pack at first. 2 AAs go into the pack which slides out of the base of this toy. This makes it a little easier to insert and I have no problem inserting the batteries into the pack. I did run into an issue because the pack has to go in the certain way and this isn’t really clearly marked. I guess I didn’t realize this because I put it in the wrong way and it actually went in pretty easily. But when I realized this (the toy wasn’t working right) it was already stuck and I had to pry it out with a spreading knife. LOL If you have an Evolved toy with a removable battery pack, take notice of the sizes of the ridges inside the toy when you’re putting it in.

I really don’t hate this toy; I just don’t love it. I think my issues were not universal; it just wasn’t the best toy for a beginner’s G-spot exploration (because of its size) and the flexibility didn’t help like I initially thought it would. I was annoyed by my issues with the battery pack and I definitely think Evolved needs to stop putting push buttons on the bottom of their toys. Yet, the G-harmony is still good looking and did provide me with nice clitoral stimulation. I hope that, one day, I can come back to the G-Harmony after I get to know my G-spot better and we can be more harmonious together.

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Ending the Dry Spell

September 23rd, 2008

It was not nearly a drink of water but a beautiful oasis I encountered after so many days in the desert. It was as if satiating, rejuvinating water flowed down my throat and across my skin, heightening my senses. This was no ordinary oasis, no ordinary experience.

Reluctant at first, I pulled him on top of me, his leg in between mine. A familiar exchange, our bodies rubbed and grinded against eachother. His cock was hard against my hip while I rubbed myself against his leg. I felt the return of familiar hormones and feelings. Although I hadn’t wanted it at the beginning, I did then.

His kisses covered my skin, eventually moving south. Ever attentive, he lavishly pleasured me with his mouth and fingers. As heavenly as it felt and although I could feel my orgasm building, it was long and taxing in effort.  He was selfless, as always (or maybe not; he is quick to profess his addiction to performing oral sex on me) and brushed aside my apologies.

His body moved up until his cock slid into me, effortlessly. It felt as though it had been ages since we had last been intimate. Perhaps it hap. There was no discomfort or awkwardness; everything worked together like a well oiled machine (and by that time I was well lubricated by my own arousal and his saliva). His cock felt wonderful and filling in that hard-yet-soft way.

He thrusted, I rocked in return. For whatever reason, his cock felt better than I remembered. Was it simply because it had been so long? Or was it something more?

We continued in our passionate throes, moaning and panting as we did. I was able to lose myself completely in this sexual bliss, one hand snaking below to rub my clitoris and pelvic bone as he thrust in and out of me. But I wanted it deeper, harder knowing all the while that what I wanted would make him orgasm sooner.

But I wanted it and demanded he please me with his cock. I came again for the second or third time and as I commanded him to fuck me harder, to come in me, he moaned in kind. His thrusts came more powerful and I came again, a satisfying and shuddering orgasm as he spilled his hot cum inside of me.

As his semen came rushing into me, a flood of emotions came rushing out and, before I knew it, I was crying. Hot tears ran down my cheeks in a torrent of sudden emotion and I held his body close to mine, physically spent but emotionally charged.

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Are your batteries charged?

July 20th, 2008

I am a big advocate of sex toys. I own more than I can count on one hand and will continue to add to the collection. I even review them which is quite a fine hobby, if you ask me. I think sex toys are a great way to explore oneself and one’s relationship and they can open doors you never knew existed.

Sex toys feel great in a way completely different than intercourse or masturbation with a human body. They vibrate and bend in ways we simple cannot and sometimes this helps to hide our own imperfections. This doesn’t make them necessarily better or worse, just different.

Sex toys make what is sometimes difficult to achieve – the female orgasm – come much easier and quicker. In fact, many females would not have experienced orgasms at all if it weren’t for sex toys. My first recognizable orgasm was with my late Rabbit Habit.

I don’t need a vibrator to get off, however. One of the things I love about sex toys is that an orgasm while a sex toy is inside helps me to feel my body’s sexual reponse. When my hand is on a vibrator as my pussy contracts around it as I cum, I can feel the vibrator moving because of those squeezes. It becomes an extension that helps me to feel those pulsations in a way I otherwise would not.

Try it yourself!

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