One thing which I have been contemplating, which is appropriate for me to post about here, is that I may perhaps be a little bit, at least not quite as dominant as I thought I was. Okay, submissive. Domination is something which appealed to me but I struggled with. It took so much thought, sometimes too much. I strived for it because it was intriguing but also because I have always tried to over-control everything in my life for fear that lack of control would find it spinning helplessly out of control. Oh, look at that! It did so anyway.
My relationship issues have highlighted my tendency to be negative and the defense mechanisms I had grown accustomed to using to deal with my insecurities, most of which did me absolutely no good. And, you guessed it, trying to control everything was one of those. It’s damned exhausting but the idea of losing control was so scary that I never even let myself play a different role or, perhaps, be myself fully in the bedroom. I have decided to take a deep breath and let go with almost everything. To just let things happen and to not drive myself crazy when the little things don’t go my way. I have decided to relax and think positive, I suppose.
This has led to a few thoughts that were buried in my subconscious because I wouldn’t allow myself to have them. One of them, that I might want kids. Not now, but someday maybe and anyone who knows my stance on children will find that ground breaking.
The other thought that took me by surprise (and actually during sex) was that there may be a submissive side to me that would really like to come out. Maybe not all the time but I think there it something there that could thrive, under the right conditions. And it certainly takes the stress away from trying to impose something on my relationship that didn’t completely fit. Perhaps being open to something I was terrified of before will let me develop more fully and bring me back to the place I wasn’t ready to approach before. Perhaps not. It’s certainly eye opening either way.
