I don’t know when or even why it happened but I do know that, somewhere along the line, I became power hungry and not even in a power exchange sort of way. I became obsessed with having power even though the drive usually had unwanted results and was detrimental to my relationships. It’s not just romantic relationships about which I speak. It’s grown into such a habit that I find myself looking for ways to control people and situations even if I know it will only send me two steps back. I become so focused on power in the present that I forget what matters in the long run and it is most certainly not that sort of power.
The friend with whom I am currently staying suggested I am building walls to prevent myself from being hurt but I know that is not the case. I am not changing how I act because of the current situation; I am only keeping up the behaviour I have been doing for some time regardless of the fact that it has never helped. If gaining the upper hand didn’t help me then, it certainly won’t help me now.
A family member of mine recently told me that there is no room for power in a relationship; we should simply focus on the fact that we love our partners. It was a simple piece of advice but one I think I needed to hear and still need to hear. The momentary satisfaction I may gain from having power is not nearly comparable to the satisfaction I could gain from learning to relinquish power to preserve my marriage (although, that is far from the only thing I need to do).
I suppose I have come to the conclusion while power is appealing and certainly healthy in some situations, my current situation is simply not one of those.
So, I leave myself with these words of wisdom:
Where love rules, there is no will to power; and where power predominates, there love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other.
Carl Jung
