I Knew Better

July 13th, 2010

It didn’t take long for me to feel miserable about having sex. I tried to convince myself that it was “just” sex. I tried to be grateful that I was having it at all, especially considering that I won’t be having it anytime soon. But I couldn’t. I just don’t operate that way. Deep down, I knew I was doing it just to be close to him. Or maybe, just so we wouldn’t fight. If I was making him happy in some way, at least we weren’t fighting.

It got to the point where I cried every time. It got harder to orgasm and, when I did, it wasn’t satisfying. It was harder to accept his advances because I knew I was selling myself out. I don’t even know if he noticed that I was crying or, maybe, he just didn’t realize why.

It’s not his fault. I didn’t say “no.” Part of me did want it. Yet, it hurt. So I did start rejecting him. He stopped asking. I was miserable because I felt like we had lost our only connection. Yet, I knew it wasn’t much of a connection to begin with.

He left on Saturday. I’ve been decent, save for some computer problems. It’s amazing how quickly my desire for any stimulation has come back now that I don’t feel guilty or used. Earlier, I was missing oral. I considered texting him to come over. It’d be hot, I know. But would it be worth it? Probably not. I didn’t text him. I think.. that I’m glad of that.

Sex stopped being an awesome thing when it stopped being about love. It stopped being pleasurable. It stopped being appealing. It stopped being something I need and.. I may be okay with that.

5 Comments

Categories: Everything Else

Protected: All the mean things

June 9th, 2010

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:


Enter your password to view comments.

Categories: Everything Else

Sue Johanson Vibe Collection

No, You Don’t

May 17th, 2010

(or: Yes, You can)

Carrie Ann wrote an interesting post on her blog about how reviewers feel a sense of entitlement. Ignoring the fact that everyone feels entitlement in every aspect of life, I agree with some of her points. A little bit of patience and letting things slide goes a long way in our reviewer-retailer relationships (and our personal relationships, too!). Bitching about every little thing has never done me good. These days, I find myself being a more patient person in many areas of my life.

What’s more, I understand that the service offered to me by retailers and manufacturers is simply that, a service offered to me. They don’t have to do it (and some stores haven’t taken me on as a reviewer), and I appreciate it. I am always grateful to get toys and recognition for my reviews but I know these relationships are business relationships.

The bottom line is, these are businesses and they can do what they want. They can ignore my e-mails or any feedback I give. They can be snotty. They can send me good toys or crap toys or no toys at all. They can choose not to work with me. They can choose to be friendly and understanding or they can harass me and delay shipping or jump up and down on my boxes before handing them off to the mailman. They can terminate or suspend our relationships at any point. They can ban my account from their website. Hell, they could even ask me to not post a review, I suppose, if they weren’t happy with the way I write it.

They can do these things.

They don’t have to do anything I want them to do. They don’t even have to be courteous. But it’s good practice to do so anyway (dare I say “should?). You know the old saying “Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.” And it’s true. Just because you can do things without explaining to your community or customers, doesn’t mean you should. Just because you can rule with an iron fist doesn’t mean you’ll have a kingdom worth ruling. Just because you can outsource your tech support to India, does not mean you should (I MEAN IT!)

No retailer owes me anything but it’s just plain stupid to expect that someone who critiques products on the internet isn’t going to speak up when services, policies, interactions or other experiences can use a little critiquing. Which is exactly why extending common courtesy to your reviewers is a good idea. I can post my thoughts on my website and publish it for the world to see. Short of legal action, you can’t stop me.

It doesn’t mean I will, especially if you have made it clear that you’re not an all-powerful being without fault. Maybe you’re just a business made up of imperfect humans like myself (not that I am several people). Give a little, get a little back, right? I’m much more likely to be understanding if the folks I work with have shown me the same understanding in the past. That can be the difference between me taking a positive spin on a “crisis” or calling for your company to be damned.

And I’m sure it’s a fine line to walk. You’ve got to look out for your bottom line but you don’t want to alienate the people who have the power to help that bottom line. You want to protect the community but not everyone in the community wants protecting or agrees about how you should go about it.

But if you don’t find yourself at least trying to walk that line, you might find yourself in an even more uncomfortable situation. Like it or not, the things you “don’t have to do,” are the very same things that people are looking for. I know; it’s the reason I’m getting divorced.

6 Comments

Categories: Everything Else, internet

Or am I?

April 15th, 2010

But I’m the only one
Who’ll walk across the fire for you
I’m the only one
Who’ll drown in my desire for you
It’s only fear that makes you run
The demons that you’re hiding from
When all your promises are gone
I’m the only one

This whole thing is so difficult for me. I hired a divorce attorney today. I still try to have hope but I know things are bleak. This shouldn’t be happening. To me. I mean, we loved each other so much. How could it be happening?

I’m so full of questions. Sometimes I wonder how I could have been so awful. Other times I wonder how he let his negative attitudes get so far. Some days I wonder just what the problem was because our relationship was far from disastrous, really. I don’t want to trivialize his feelings but at the end of the day, I think it’s safe to say they are not proportionate to events. And he’s not reacting like an adult.

It makes me so angry. I just want to knock sense into him because God knows that he won’t listen to reason. Whatever happened to sticking it through “the worse” (you know, like in your vows?). Hell, can I even call these times “the worse?” They’re more like the not-quite-awesome times. That’s not that bad.

Today I realized that 60 days from the date he filed will be my fucking birthday. I don’t know if I could handle being divorced in my birthday. I mean, divorce itself is bad enough as is.

God, I wish our therapist was available this week.

2 Comments

Categories: Everything Else

The Sasi at Babeland

Apply Within

March 31st, 2010

I have jokingly been creating a check list in my mind for future partners. I guess it’s just a way for me to let off steam regarding my husband’s behaviour, flaws and bad habits. It’s a little resentful but maybe a little smart, too.

Characteristics You Best Not Have

  • Mommy Issues
  • Daddy Issues
  • Aggressive Driving
  • Emotional Score Keeping
  • Inability to recognize or express emotions
  • Knee Jerk Reactions to Every Little Thing
  • Inability to distinguish sex from love
  • Inability to combine sex and love when appropriate

Characteristics You Must Have

  • Sense of Humour
  • Like for Dr Horrible
  • Cat Love
  • Ability to Remain Faithful
  • Understanding of Commitment
  • Fondness for hand holding, cuddling and other physical touch
  • Healthy Interest in Sex
  • Have already been in love
  • Willingness to read books, go to therapy and do other things should the need arise
  • Maturity
  • Tendency toward Geekiness
  • Love for dorky comedies

Hey, guess what? I’m tired and randomly capitalizing things. ;)

PS, I know I could more healthily and happily word all these things as positive “must haves.”

PPS, I’m not really a crazy bitch with a checklist.

4 Comments

Categories: Everything Else

Protected: He’s So Good At Faking

March 20th, 2010

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:


Enter your password to view comments.

Categories: Everything Else

Sex Toys For Men

Bad Thoughts

March 15th, 2010

The past few months have taught me a lot about relationships, expectations, love, perception and healthy attitudes. In some ways, I feel like a relationship expert (I’m not.. yet) and I know I have been and will continue learning skills that will not only help me have successful relationships (and that is worth imparting to my loved ones during their challenges) but I am developing skills to help me be happier no matter what my relationship status is.

As patient as I am trying to be with my husband, as hopeful as I am trying to be about this situation, it is difficult not to feel hurt and not to entertain thoughts that are simply not helpful. Ultimately, I feel a bit betrayed by my husband, my life and perhaps most importantly, myself. I feel so foolish for believing that this time would be different, that he would be different. I wonder why I ever thought it could work. What proof have I ever had that it could? Indeed, everything I have seen or experienced indicates that relationships just do not work. Ever.

I know, I know. It’s not productive. But I just cannot be productive all the time. At the very least, I can control it enough that I am not sobbing over Haagen Das. And I’m not screaming at my husband about how he’s hurt me and making it into an argument so that’s good. I am able to contain the thoughts that they are not quite ruining (running?) my life.

I feel especially silly when I think how far I’ve come in regards to my thoughts about marriage. I went from thinking it’s nothing but a sham to believing maybe it can work to wondering if maybe it is only a sham after all and I should have kept thinking the way I did because then I wouldn’t be hurting like I am. Except I know that you have to let people in and learn to trust again even if it means sometimes starting over. And as much as I hate feeling like I’m back at square one, the logical part of me knows that you cannot reap the rewards without taking the risk and I will take that risk again whether with someone else or whether my husband chooses to work on our marriage. Even if I don’t want to think about it now, cannot imagine ever being with someone else.

My bad thoughts creep up when I am alone and at night, right before bed. To combat them, I’ve been scouring the internet for inspiring quotes (I mention this in an upcoming post I wrote for EdenCafe), calling friends or sometimes distracting myself by jerking off. It’s still a work in progress, though.

2 Comments

Categories: Everything Else

It Ends Now

February 27th, 2010

I don’t know when or even why it happened but I do know that, somewhere along the line, I became power hungry and not even in a power exchange sort of way. I became obsessed with having power even though the drive usually had unwanted results and was detrimental to my relationships. It’s not just romantic relationships about which I speak. It’s grown into such a habit that I find myself looking for ways to control people and situations even if I know it will only send me two steps back. I become so focused on power in the present that I forget what matters in the long run and it is most certainly not that sort of power.

The friend with whom I am currently staying suggested I am building walls to prevent myself from being hurt but I know that is not the case. I am not changing how I act because of the current situation; I am only keeping up the behaviour I have been doing for some time regardless of the fact that it has never helped. If gaining the upper hand didn’t help me then, it certainly won’t help me now.

A family member of mine recently told me that there is no room for power in a relationship; we should simply focus on the fact that we love our partners. It was a simple piece of advice but one I think I needed to hear and still need to hear. The momentary satisfaction I may gain from having power is not nearly comparable to the satisfaction I could gain from learning to relinquish power to preserve my marriage (although, that is far from the only thing I need to do).

I suppose I have come to the conclusion while power is appealing and certainly healthy in some situations, my current situation is simply not one of those.

So, I leave myself with these words of wisdom:

Where love rules, there is no will to power; and where power predominates, there love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other.

Carl Jung

5 Comments

Categories: Everything Else

Stockroom

Craving

February 22nd, 2010

Sex, I want it. And I can’t have it. Which makes me want it even more. I see it in movies, on TV and read about it in books. It seems like everyone is having it. Everyone but me, of course. I think about my husband (who will hopefully remain my husband). I think about our sex and my body springs to life but no relief is available.

I remember his movements, his sounds, the feel of his touch and his body against mine. My real life becomes my fantasy and I long for the past. I do not simply want sex. I want sex with him. I want the sex I remember and, yes, the sex about which I all-too-often took a passive attitude in the past.

The past? Has it really been that long. Only a few short weeks. Yet, it feels like forever. It feels like a lifetime ago even though I know, logically, it has not been. But it has been too long and every day my desire grows. It is though I have never yearned for him as I do now or perhaps it is simply how I yearn for him because I have certainly wanted (but not been able to have) sex with him before. Before, sex was always an option in the future (albeit, not always the near future) but that is not the case now.

Regardless of how things turn out, I imagine he will be the object of my fantasies as long as I fantasize and as long as I cannot have him, I will certainly have to to survive.

2 Comments

Categories: Everything Else

All The Things You Never Wanted to Know

January 24th, 2010

I don’t have a formspring account. I don’t love change and I don’t need someplace new for folks to ask me questions. You can comment here or e-mail me or ask me on Twitter or catch me in a chatroom or stalk me just fine, thank you very much. Actually, no one has asked me questions but that’s okay! Because I am so awesome, I will answer any questions you never asked right here, right now.

Has your husband ever drank your ejaculate?
Why, yes! Actually, I was able to finally achieve a decent squirt with him today and he was really eager to taste it but I don’t think it was his thing. Still awesome, though.

Do you stick to one or two toys as your go to insurance for an orgasm, or do you experiment a lot?
I tend to stick with one toy if the goal is orgasm. I used to default to Layaspot and occasionally the Miracle Massager when I just wanted to get off quickly but I think Tuyo will probably be my clitoral vibe or choice even considering the noise factor. If I am reviewing, I might grab a bunch of toys but then my goal is usually just to get a taste for the toys and not necessarily orgasm. I almost never use more than one toy at a time as I am just not very coordinated. I find that if I like a new toy, I will use it frequently for a while until I get something new and awesome.

How did you get into sex toy reviewing?
This is a hard question. I think I was shopping around and saw a notice on Vibrator.com. I contacted them about reviewing for my regular, personal blog and was sent my first free toy (Bnaughty). I still review for them on that blog, actually. But I was hooked so I searched for other sites with similar programs and found EdenFantasys. Soon after, I started this blog so I could review for places like Babeland.

If your husband came home and told you he had been discussing a MFM threesome with a coworker or friend, how would you react?
Okay, no one asked me this but I wanted to talk about it because the idea turns me on. I doubt it would ever happen but if, for some reason, it did, I might actually just throw caution to the wind and take him up on it. Of course, our tastes in men probably differ.

How can you be bisexual yet inexperienced? I could fuck or love any woman easily. It’s something I just know.

Why do you seem to be disappointed with squirting?
While fun and taboo and all, I don’t orgasm with it, Plus, it’s become so easy that even rather crappy toys can cause me to ejaculate.

Do you think Bad Company makes sex music?
Yes. Also Maroon 5. Very different, I know.

What makes you feel sexy?
The way my husband looks at and treats me but music sometimes gives me a sexual confidence that I don’t really take into the bedroom. It’s odd but I kind of feel silly about the way some songs make me dance or sing around with my hips all swinging.

Do you think that having sex with your husband right now is complicating things?
Yes. But right now I don’t care. I know I will regret it if we get divorced but I am still fucking him.

What sort of household items did you pervert?
I used to hump my Ken doll. (Sorry Mattel). I’ve broken a taper candle with my vagina muscles and I tried using my Venus razor handle but none of them were as awesome as my first vibrator.

Do you like ponies?
Of course, and so do you.

What sort of porn do you like?
I am not sure. I haven’t found any full length porn that I really enjoy. I do know that I like to watch girl on girl action and I enjoy it much more if it looks real, like the actors are really getting off and not just performing for the camera.

So are you dominant or submissive?
Who the fuck knows. Maybe I’m a switch but I have come to appreciate some submissive tendencies and playing with them really intrigues me. Still, power is thrilling as well.

Have any more questions? Ask them in comments and I’ll add them. For now I am dead tired and heading to bed!

6 Comments

Categories: Everything Else, internet

Adam and Eve
Next Page »

Image © MisterUnlucky; used with permission.