Time and Time Again

October 24th, 2009

I have problems with time. I don’t always prioritize it right and I’m horrible at guessing just how much time something will take. I frequently make informal schedules in my mind, a checklist of things to do today and the next thing I know, it’s tomorrow and I didn’t achieve half of those things because I let time get away. What’s even worse is that, instead of stopping and shelving those projects for another day I simply stay up until they’re all completed; this is why I have absolutely no routine whatsoever. I push myself until I’m so dead tired I cannot accomplish anything more then need to sleep half a day away to fix the effects of it.

Needless to say, sex doesn’t fit into my non-schedule. Just the other day I was thinking how difficult it is for us to have sex at all when my husband works. It’s a bit better now because he has new hours. His 12 hour days are only 12 hours as opposed to the 14 he used to work. He can stay up a little later, now, instead of coming home with just enough time to watch some TV while he eats, check his e-mail, shower and head to bed once more. Now I have a bit more time to get in the mood but it still doesn’t happen nearly as often as we’d both like. I think we’re down to maybe once a week when I’d like to have sex more like 3 or 4 times a week. In fact, I will sit down and think about how we’re not having sex..

And then I realize I’m sitting at the computer or reading in bed or he’s playing video games or we’ve somehow managed to waste a couple hours fighting and then I know that, no matter how shitty his schedule is, we’re equally at fault for not planning to have sex. I know I need to, I just don’t. It’s hard for me to up and go into the bedroom. Even if I want to, I just don’t get turned on at the drop of a hat and I know it’s frustrating for him ’cause he does. But planning can sometimes make it even harder to get where I need to be mentally, especially because I like sex to be spontaneous. And planning itself is hard when you have such a complete lack of schedule like I do.

I suppose it comes down to this – would I rather have spontaneous sex infrequently or deal with having to plan sex so I can have it as much as I’d like (or at least try)? I’m not even sure.

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Categories: Everything Else

Moody Blues

November 17th, 2008

Sex, like everything else for me, has a lot to do with my mood and how I feel. It’s the same when I order food from a restaurant or choose what to wear or even when to check the mail. I have to feel like it’s a good time. The downside to this is things like choosing when to check the mail have fewer factors and there is much less preventing me from feeling like it’s a good time.

On the other side, being in the mood for sex seems to rely on so many factors. Do I feel physically okay? Perhaps my heard hurts or I have a full stomach because I just ate. Maybe my jaw hurts so oral sex it out of the question. Do I feel sexually appealing? Do I feel clean? Have I recently used the bathroom? Is my partner appealing to me at the moment? Does he seem clean? Do I have enough time? Is there something else I could be doing? Do I even want to put forth the energy?

I know that, in reality, there is no perfect time to have sex. I accept that. Still, I have such a hard time makingthe effort if things aren’t as close to perfect as possible. On another post, someone said “Sometimes you just have to realise that when your hair is sticking up and you’re wearing ‘laundry day underwear’ you can still have the most amazing orgasm!” but that simply is not true for me. These factors always feel so significant to me and, once I think about them, I am no longer in the mood to have sex.

It’s frustrating that we do not have sex as often or spontaneously as I think either of us would like. Time is definitely not on our side either. So why is it that I have such a hard time not being able to accept the reality of things? I’ve always been disappointed by the little letdowns and it seems this is no exception. How do I change it?

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Categories: Everything Else

Premature Ejaculation: What does it mean?

October 21st, 2008

It might be pretty cut and dry to some what it means but I think the assumption that there is a time when a man can ejaculate too early shows a lot about our expectations and perhaps misunderstandings about sex.

In my mind, assuming there there is a time which is “too early” for a man to orgasm, means that there must be a “correct” time for him to orgasm. To imply cut-and-paste directions to sex is not only futile but potentially harmful. How many problems from people only wanting to be viewed as normal? I think I am fairly educated when I come to sex and reasonable as well. I figure if I want to do it, if he agrees and if we’re not hurting anyone (or at least taking care not to cause irreparable harm) or breaking any laws, then it’s a go even if it’s not  seen as normal.

With that said, I don’t think that any averages are accurate when it comes to judging sex. Who is to take that a the average penis size is 5.3 inches or black men have bigger cocks or sex lasts and average of 15 minutes The fact is sex shouldn’t even be looked at in the terms of average but in the terms of what’s right for you. Why are we so busy obsessing over a model of typical behaviour when, in actuality, that model itself is skewed because people are too afraid to admit how it actually is.

So what is the model in this context? I think the model is that a guy must last a certain time in order to please his partner. Often, this includes helping the partner achieve orgasm as well. While I am all for satisfaction, attentiveness and orgasm, I think it’s impossible to apply a blanket statement over sex. The only person who can set a standard is your partner and, even then, the standard may vary drastically from time to time.

When it comes down to, “holding out” as long as you can or until your partner cums maye actually be less pleasant than you might think. In fact, putting pressure on your partner to orgasm may prevent him or her from being able to do so.

So when is the right time to orgasm? Do you need to last X amount of minutes or provide X amount of orgasms? Ask your partner! Know what it takes to satisfy your partner and be attentive to those needs first, if you feel you might not last as long as you would like. Remember, however, that sex can be completely satisfying without an orgasm for your partner. We don’t know if your partner prefers to orgasm once or twice before you do but she or he does!

Stop listening to everyone else and listen to the one person who matters most in your sex life, the person with whom you are having sex!

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Categories: Articles

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