The Most Disappointing Sex Toys I’ve Used

September 27th, 2013

Not all of the reviews that I write are positive, and I don’t make any apologies for that. I’ve used some great toys that just didn’t fit my anatomy, and many, many toys are beautiful, but just won’t cut it when it comes down to it. There’s almost nothing worse than drooling over a toy, especially an expensive one, and realizing that I hate it. But it’s worse for consumers like you, who spend your hard-earned money without the steep discounts that I get as a reviewer.

So let me help you avoid the same mistakes I’ve made by compiling this list of toys that I just can’t recommend; in fact, I don’t want you to have your heart broken just a little like mine was.


  • bbold-premium[1]I don’t know what the hell was the problem with my Mimi. Either it was defective, or everyone who liked it was batshit crazy. Now, I don’t want to insult all my readers, but we were not having the same experience at al. So I let my cat chew on my Mimi before trading it away. Just kidding. I can’t control those pussies.
  • I have disliked almost all of the Jimmyjane vibrators I’ve used, and the Form 2 was no exception. From weak, buzzy vibrations to breaking randomly, it as all bad.
  • There was so much buzz about the iRide. It wasn’t intended for human use at all.
  • Minna Ola uses technology that sounds so intriguing but is freakin’ frustrating to use in reality. I spend a bit of money on this G-spot vibrator, and now it’s sitting in a drawer.
  • Bbold Premium is gorgeous, and I’ve always liked BSwish as a company. However, almost all of the vibes — especially the rechargeable ones — are stupidly weak.

Try this instead: Form 6, Mona 2, Delight


  • I haven’t liked a single toy from Tantus. I don’t understand it, but the Splish was among the worst. I should have paid more attention to the specs, yes, but there’s not a single reason for a dildo to be the size of a pinky finger like this was.
  • Tantus Delta was flexible as fuck. Eww.
  • And the Alumina Revolve? sort of pretty. Totally disappointing.
  • Don’t even get me started on the Pure Wand.
  • Icicles Number 39 was gorgeous. I think I could have loved if.. If it didn’t break before I even got to use it. I don’t want to say that you shouldn’t try Pipedreams glass, but this gives me serious misgivings about the entire line.

Icicles 39 Handle Broken From Shaft

Try this instead: Tex, Twist, 24K double pleasure, Fun Wand


  • The Cake Body Butter smelled like shit. Well, not quite. It was rancid.
  • And Lelo’s massage candle smelled okay but was terrible when it came to massage.
  • Lelo Luna Beads were all hyped up. I don’t think that there’s any point to multiple weights in kegel balls.

Try this instead: K-balls, Pink Cupcake lotion, Shunga Apple massage oil, Contour M massage stone, Oil of Love: Raspberry Kiss,


  • Material Girl Fetish Fantasy dress was too small and unflattering in so many ways. The lack of adjust-ability was also terrible. It was pretty ridiculous.

Try this instead: Kissable Leopard babydoll, Sheer Pleasure Chemise, Raspberry fields babydoll 


  • Sasha Pouch and GartersThe Touch of Fur rabbit flogger actually came apart when I used it. I sewed it back together by hand because I fuckin’ love the feel of it.
  • The Crystal Whip by liberator is attractive and versatile, but it’s also cheap quality wise. Rhinestones fell off. I think I superglued one back together.
  • Finally, the Sasha harness looked cool but didn’t fit in a flattering way. It was one of the biggest bummers ever.

Try this instead: Wartenberg wheel, Under the bed restraints,

What vibrators, dildos or lingerie have left you wanting more? What’s the biggest disappointment in your life and how much did it cost?


10 Comments to “The Most Disappointing Sex Toys I’ve Used”

  • Camryn says:

    None of the Tantus?! O-O Now I must read/re-read all of your Tantus reviews.
    I remembered your Pure Wand review; it made me spend a week quizzing myself and my partner about how deep/shallow my G-spot is and I still haven’t bought one *laughs*
    Bswish, Je Joue, and JimmyJane all look good, but I’ve read too many reviews to buy any of their products. Nice to see that you stand by the Mona 2 though: that vibe has all kinds of hype!

    • Adriana says:

      Mine is so shallow that I could probably get at it with an egg vibe, so the Pure Wand just missed it. On the mention of Jimmyjane, I LOVE my Form 6 G3. I would tell everyone to get one. NOW.

      I liked the Sasi by Jejoue, which most people didn’t. It was different but in a way that worked for me better than, say, the Sqweel. Uma’s buttons were a serious problem, my Mimi sucked and the G-ki is.. weird.

  • Kirstie says:

    Its quite nice to read such forward reviews of sex toys… Nice for a change instead of all positive views.

    I too like the JimmyJane one that you mentioned in your comment – its uses are endless.

    My least favorite one is the Lelo sensemotion. I felt like i was gonna break it everytime i used it.

  • Quinn says:

    I personally made a huge mistake back when I did have money- for my first dildo I went for the Tantus Realdoe. It was so expensive and just didn’t feel right to me. The “handle” like thing was useful, but for partner use it also seemed to be angled in a strange way. It just couldn’t do well for either of us. Anal, though, it rocks at. So, I still have mixed feelings but for the price I don’t think it was worth it.

    It’s also INCREDIBLY fun to hang it places and see if visitors to your dorm room notice the random dildo on the towel rack, floor lamp, bed post, etc.

  • Trix says:

    I’m still in fear of the Pure Wand, since the Ophoria Beyond One wouldn’t insert and it’s the same exact shape…

  • Trix says:

    The Lelo Lyla definitely falls in that category…the pull cord broke off after just a couple of uses (and I was not rough with it at all). The key that you use to open the battery compartment broke, and the damn MotionSense controller doesn’t always work, either.

  • It’s funny, my g-spot is VERY shallow, it’s right next to my pubic bone I think but yet the Pure Wand could be my only dildo for life.

    I have come across people who really like and need the tiny stature of things like the Splish. Anal use and vaginismus come to mind.

    I’m honestly not even sure I could pick one single JJ toy when creating a similar list. I would have to list a bunch of Lelo, all JJ, and the Palmpower for starters.

    • Adriana says:

      The curve of the Pure Wand just missed it entirely, kind of hitting the A-spot entirely. I can’t really insert it partially because then the exterior tries to dig into my stomach, heh.

      I really like my Form 6, but I don’t use it often and don’t think it’s for everyone.

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