At first glance, a question like this might be easily answered by naming a specific physical activity. Most might consider sex to be cheating. Yet, anything more than a cursory glance will illustrate how difficult it is to define cheating. After all, even the definition of sex has become blurred over the years. There is vaginal, anal and oral. Then there’s phone and cybersex.
Still, others wouldn’t be comfortable with the idea of their significant engaging in an overly friendly hug. A kiss would be off limits. I would be lying if I said that certain non-physical acts would also fall under the umbrella of cheating, for me. My partner doesn’t have to touch someone to be cheating. Every relationship has actions which would make the parties involved feel cheated.
Moreso, the advent of the internet has created new ways for people to communicate with one another and while there have been many benefits to this, there is also no doubt that it has also had negative and confusing effects. Where do online relationships and cybersex fall into the grand scheme of cheating? Do they not count because there is no physical contact or even because the parties involved may never even meet face to face?
As the number of activities one might consider cheating pile up, it becomes less clear just how to define it but perhaps that is because what activities are cheating is not the real issue. Furthermore, some couples don’t follow the standard definition of “sex equals cheating” at all. Where might polyamorists fall into the mess of things? Rather, focus on why these are activities considered being unfaithful not only sheds light on the dynamics of individual relationships but how society, in general, works. It also helps us to define cheating, at least as much as we need to.
I believe a universal definition of cheating would focus on committing any violation of the terms of the relationship, especially in regards to emotional and physical relationships with others. Doing so abuses trust that one party extends toward the other, resulting in one person feeling cheated. It is, perhaps a vague definition but it leaves it open to negotiation between the parties involved (and no one unnecessary). I think this definition works well for several reasons, highlighting important components in deciding what is right, or wrong, for your relationship.
- Communication
- Boundaries implies communication which means both parties have a chance to express what they are or are not comfortable with in their relationship. Because different people are comfortable with different aspects, communication clears up any grey areas. I don’t believe many people engage in accidental cheating. I don’t buy the “I slipped and fell on his dick” story. Consequently, I don’t think anyone should. 😉 Yet, I do think that some people cross the line unknowingly because they don’t set limits with their partner(s). Of course, we’re only human and cannot predict every possible turn of events so should grey area arise, I believe it is best to err on the side of caution. For example, if I said I would one day be open to a threesome and my partner brought home a third tomorrow, this would cross boundaries.
- Honesty
- Let’s be honest, here. People can and do talk the talk without walking the walk. Setting boundaries is pointless if we are not honest to our partners and ourselves with which things we are uncomfortable. While discussing with a friend she said she could agree to a threesome but still feel as though her husband was cheating. I gently pointed out because she was not being honest when she agreed to the terms. If she were, she would not agree.
- Beyond the Physical
- When I inquired to my friends and Twitter followers as to what they wanted to see, the replies about emotional infidelity were overwhelming. Not surprisingly, these comments came from women. I cannot help but wonder if this is because women are more likely to commit emotional affairs (but that is not the focus here). One thing was clear: many people consider intimate emotional relationships to be an offense just as egregious as physical adultery. In fact, some of the responses indicated that a long term emotional affair was worse than a one time physical one, with which I would have to agree. As you can surmise, both men and women also take a similar stance on about emotional or sexual relationships developed online. Unfortunately, many people feel as though they are skirting boundaries, not crossing them, when it comes to those type of liaisons because of the grey area. They use the ambiguity to their advantage, much like the zip code rule or the belief that “it’s not cheating if it’s with the same sex”. Again, if you care about hurting your partner, err on the side of caution, not cheating.
- It’s you and me, baby
- One thing I find crucial to defining cheating and dealing with it within our relationships is that no one but the parties involved can define cheating. This means that what is okay in your relationship it up to you, the same for me and mine. So if your definition of cheating is maybe a little more conservative than some, that’s fine. On the other hand, if you’re a little more open minded, that’s certainly okay, too. While your definition may differ from mine, it doesn’t matter. The definition of cheating doesn’t need to be universal. It just needs to work for the parties involved. There’s no one to please and no one has a right to judge. I recently participated in a conversation with the same friend from before where she felt that even if my partner and I decided to engage in an open relationship, she would still see it as cheating. I didn’t understand how it could be if we were both absolutely honest and comfortable with the situation. If neither of us felt cheated, how could it be cheating? I think I gently persuaded her that her issue was not about cheating at all but other issues and, were she able to resolve those issues, she wouldn’t feel the need to label someone else’s activities.
So what is cheating? It’s whatever you are uncomfortable within your own relationship. No one can define it for you and no one definition applies to every relationship.
Cheating for me, is not about a sex act or a phone call or a kiss, it’s about breaking my trust and lying to me.
If I can trust you to let me know you’ve become attracted to another person or you’ve been doing or wanting to do things that are romantic or sexual in nature that is far far more important to me than being the only person you love/lust for/have sex with.
Wanting a sexual relationship with someone else, doesn’t, to me, mean you don’t still care for me and want those things with me. But sneaking around and being dishonest about is absolutely an indicator that you do not care at all about me.
Just my 2 cents 🙂 Great post!
Exactly. Cheating is about crossing your personal boundaries, which is a breach of trust.
You are very right – it is all about an individual’s / couples boundaries and trust. The exact details may vary from one couple to another but the crossing of the boundary and the dishonesty that usually goes hand in hand are the defining mark of a cheat to me.
Some seem to find it hard to know when they are crossing a boundary. My answer to that is, if you even have to ask that question, or feel any need to conceal your actions then the answers is almost certainly yes; you are cheating.
Great post by the way.
I agree on concealing it. I wanted to mention that but I guess I forgot.
My boyfriend recently was in an uncomfortable situation. he stores his motorcycle at a friend of his’ shop. well there’s been this Russian chick hanging around for a while who likes his bike. anyway my boyfriend was always nice to said Russian chick who he figured was slutty and a gold digger. ANYWAY 2 weeks ago he was at the shop and she was there. she goes into the bathroom takes all her clothes off then comes out to “show him” or something. he looked/ walked away and told her to get dressed. He then proceeded to wait a week to tell me. I understood why because the Friday night it happened we were supposed to go on a weekend vay-kay with 2 friends and he didn’t want to ruin it. ANYWAY so when he told me a week after the fact I was angry he waited. I was angry he probably wouldn’t have told me at all had the guilt not ate him alive. I was angry it happened period. I was hurt. I felt like I was somehow “less” like… maybe she secretly looked better naked then me. I have a horrible body image issue. I’m not HUGE but I’m not a 14 either.
Was I crazy to consider this “cheating” even though he himself did nothing wrong other than put himself in a bad situation.