When Sex Isn’t The Best

February 16th, 2009

Sometimes sexual intimacy, even with those we love the most, is a bit of a letdown. It can be disappointing for everyone involved. A caring partner wants his or her lover to feel pleasure and it can be just as frustrating when the pleasure we seek is just out of reach. Nevertheless, it’s completely normal and there are a lot of factors which can occasionally put a dent in our sex lives. The important thing is to recognize there is nothing “wrong” with either partner and allowing these instances to bring down our sex lives in general does no one any good. But before you go and get all hotheaded, keep these things in mind:

Sex will sometimes disappoint
It happens. It has happened before and it will happen again but letting a handful of instances erase your memory of dozens which are excellent won’t make you feel any better. On the other hand, is the ratios are reverse, perhaps your sex life can use some sprucing up.
Sexual performance is not always linked to attraction, emotion or even physical pleasure.
Your health, lack of sleep, stress level, medication, anxiety to perform and mental preoccupation with anything can all lead to less than desirable sex. If you have been busy, overworked, under nourished or are suffering from a medical ailment, sex may suffer, too. If your mind is elsewhere, too busy to focus on pleasure, how can you expect sex to be wonderful? Rest assured that if some sessions in the sack are less than perfect, it doesn’t mean you don’t find your partner attractive, love them or enjoy what they do and the same applies when roles are reversed!
We all have off days.
Maybe you’re an excellent speaker, writer, artist, performer, mathematician or scientist. Even experts have “off” days and they learn to take them in stride. Few, if any, people are at their best 24/7.
We learn from our mistakes.
No one who ever did anything amazing stopped after their first set back. Some kept up, failure after failure, until they came up with something that worked. I doubt Einstein or Steve Jobs or DaVinci gave up just because the job was tough and neither should you.
It doesn’t have to hurt your relationship.
Sometimes we take it personally when our partners aren’t experiencing as much pleasure as we’d like them to but communication goes a long way. If you couldn’t orgasm don’t storm out of the room; let your partner know that he or she did everything you expected and more but, hey, it’s just “one of those days.”

When you’ve taken a deep breath and accepted these facts, then it might be time to figure out why sex was lacking but do not assign blame.It might be one of the issues highlighted before or something else completely. When you recognize the issue, you can do more to fix it? Stressed? Lay off the caffeine, cut out projects which are unnecessary and stop spreading yourself so thin. Take more time for you (take a bubble bath, do a crossword or nap), add more foreplay and focus on your senses rather than just getting off. Interference from your health or medication? Talk to your doctor. Preoccupied? Take time to unwind after your day before hopping into bed. Once you shut the bedroom door, keep your worries out there.

If it helps, have a conversation with your lover to let them know what’s going on inside your mind. Maybe they can help you de-stress, get healthier and wind down after a rough day. Sex is a two-way street and no one expects you to walk it alone.

I know I sometimes (okay, always) have a tendency to focus on the bad and can use a reminder every once in a while: disappointing sex is not the end of the world! One bad session may lower my interest in sex in the recent future but, the truth of the matter is, if you’re too busy focusing on what’s bad, you’ll never feel motivated enough to work toward the good. The sooner you get back on the proverbial horse, the sooner you’ll be enjoying sex again. There’s no use causing further disappointment in your sex life by lamenting over something which is easily fixed and completely normal.

One Comment to “When Sex Isn’t The Best”

  • Lori Z. says:

    I know I’m guilty of focusing on the bad, and combined with the kids and job stress, it’s really hard sometimes to get back on track (couldn’t think of any better euphemisms…)

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