Why Do I Keep Breaking Vibrators? (a review of the Febos Wand)

August 7th, 2024

Febos
$81.99 from Honey Play Box

It happened with my very first rabbit.

And, now, I can add the Febos by Honey Play Box to the list.

Which is a shame because I enjoyed the silicone’s velvety texture on the handle and head. The quieter motor was an upgrade to the massager I use most frequently. Or the Hitachi. You could use it with someone in the other room. The product description says it’s around 50db (and I do love that they include that info!), which Google assures me is about the hum of a “quiet refrigerator.” Do with that what you will.

It certainly looks nicer with its grey and silver color scheme. It’s modern and perhaps minimalistic. But it doesn’t need to look fancy. For that, Honey Play Box offers Stormi, which comes with gold details and its own magnetic charging case.

The flexible neck is also a necessity. And all of this on a rechargeable battery that never lost power despite me not charging it out of the box (I didn’t get a chance to charge it before I broke it)?

Yeah, it was looking promising.

I used it a time or two with fairly positive results. I enjoyed the flexibility of the neck, which is a must with a straight handle like this. I’ve really been spoiled with the Miracle Massager, I guess. That’s ultimately how I broke Febos. But I prefer a flatter head like I’m used to. Most heads are round, however, and at least it’s not weirdly spongey like the Magic Wand Original.

I also got to experiment with a wand with more than just “high” and “low” settings. Febos has four other pulsation and escalation settings. The fast pulsation feels especially nice due to the depth and strength of the vibrations. Each setting is also available in three speeds. Some people might want something weaker or stronger than it offers, but unless you know you need the extremes, this wand will likely cover your needs.

I see two complaints that some people might have:

  • There are no attachments for Febos, even though the company offers some for their other wands.
  • It’s rather bulky and heavy at just under 12 inches long (Stormi and Pomi are both smaller and lighter, if that’s a concern).

Those critiques might not matter if you like the power of this massager. It’s also got one big selling point: unlike most other wands I’ve used (I guess save for Lelo’s Smartwand), this one is waterproof. That’s only possible thanks to the cordless design. Truthfully, it may be

But I’m not much for playing in the shower, so I kept it boring and only used it in bed.

So how did I break it? I was pressing the head against my body and pulling the handle away from it, which put too much pressure on the neck and head. I feel something give.. just a little. Then I heard it crack. Now it turns on, but it can’t vibrate fully. It almost sounds like something is just out of place.

It’s what happened with the Rabbit Habit (but I liked it enough to buy another), and the Symphony G-Harmony. In fact, I didn’t even remember breaking the second one until rereading my review. But it’s all because of the same desire to get pressure. (Technically, one of my Icicles glass dildos also broke but that was an accident and likely due to poor design, not my pubic bone.) At least it’s been over a decade since I last broke a toy!

Honestly, this is such a me problem that I can’t even hold it against the toy. And Honey Play Box has a 100-day risk-free guarantee. If you don’t love a toy or if it doesn’t work right, they’ll refund you.

Currently, Febos is less than $60 with coupon code OFSEXANDLOVE or just bny using my link, which, honestly, seems like a steal. And it’s enough to get you free shipping. Otherwise, you’ll pay $81.99 fullprice, which is still pretty competitive.

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Don’t Buy Sex Toys From Amazon

July 30th, 2024

Why you shouldn't buy sex toys on Amazon

I know I might sound paranoid, but I can’t recommend most toys and goodies available on Amazon in good faith, no matter how easy it is to order.

There are several good reasons to avoid buying sex toys from Amazon:

  • It might be counterfeit (images + info may be stolen from real products)
  • They might send you a used toy
  • Important material and safety information might not be available or may be purposely misleading (who knows if it’s really body-safe silicone?)
  • Products might not be safe for beginners
This listing shows a vibrator that is absolutely not safe for anal play

All of these things become even more important because I’m positive that many people head to Amazon without reading blogs about sex toys like SayOh or mine, which can help them find the best product for them and use it safely. This means shoppers lack the necessary information to make a smart purchase, let alone use a toy safely. I cannot tell you how many product listings and reviews I’ve seen that don’t offer the proper warnings! For example, anyone selling or discussing anal toys should make it clear how important a flared base or handle that is significantly larger than the neck of the toy is.

But product listings sometimes outright lie. They may say silicone, which is a fantastic material for sex toys and lube, but what you get might be porous. Even if you know what you’re looking for, ensuring you get it on Amazon is easier said than done.

All of this is complicated by the fact that Amazon is a seller and a marketplace. Sellers (also known as vendors) can list products on Amazon and either ship them directly or have Amazon handle the shipping. Sometimes, a brand sells its own products on Amazon. Other times, vendors are simply stores that sell products by other brands.

But it’s even more complicated than that. Many brands use the same manufacturers to make products and simply slap their names on the packaging even though the products are identical. These products may be decent, and they may be crap. If it’s an unknown brand, I worry about the latter. You could be happy with the product, you might feel like your money was wasted, you may need to fix an item before you use it, or you may regret your purchase and the harm it caused deeply with no recourse.

It’s also harder to tell who is selling something and where it’s coming from than it once was. When performing a search, you can select sellers (although I doubt most people do). Even if you do use that, many dropship vendors have seemingly random names like those to the right. When they violate Amazon’s terms, they just sign up with new random names with no real consequences.

The seller and shipper may impact the protections you have as a shopper. Consider the following examples of a toy sold and shipped by a vendor, a toy sold by a third-party vendor and shipped by Amazon, and a product sold and shipped by Amazon. You might feel better with third parties because they offer returns if something doesn’t work, but that also means they might send you previously used toys!

A product is more likely to come from an Amazon vendor if it has one of those string-of-text names that try to cram in as many keywords as possible (see below). Typoes are optional.

In the example above, “Mononii” is the brand, and clicking the link will take you to the “Monomii store” and show products from multiple vendors. Because vendors are terrible about tagging their products correctly (perhaps on purpose?), these brand store pages can be frustrating and may show only a fraction of products or show a bunch of products that aren’t made by the brand. Doing so for Fetish Fantasy only brings up one product by the brand even though vendors sell various Fetish Fantasy products. What gives?

That’s not the only issue with shopping on Amazon, either.

Why Amazon Reviews Suck Now

I also have a particular beef with Amazon reviews, which have become almost useless across the board. The reviews might be misleading because of highjacking or they were purchased. Amazon no longer posts every review, so it may withhold negative reviews to increase sales. It’s why so many products have 4+ star ratings. Average ratings used to cover the whole range, making them more useful.

I’ve used hundreds of toys and very few are 5-star toys, yet Amazon ratings suggest all these brandless products are perfect?! I don’t think so!

Seriously, how is this helpful in the least?

A good piece of advice is to ignore 5-star reviews and compare 4-star reviews to 1-star reviews. This gives you a better idea of how a product really performs. Of course, vague 4-star reviews and 1-star reviews complaining about shipping aren’t really helpful. I often find that the average consumer isn’t a great reviewer. But you can often find someone who writes a good enough review with preferences similar to yours to be helpful.

Where does that leave us?

Sex Toys You Shouldn’t Buy on Amazon

Most of these concerns apply to any product, but it’s especially concerning with something you might put in your body!

This includes essentially anything you insert or has the potential to break skin:

  • Dildos
  • Vibrators
  • Anal toys
  • Kegel exercisers
  • Lube
  • Ball gags
  • Needles
  • Blades
  • Urethral sounds

I would also add supplements to this list.

No one wants a used dildo showing up at their doorstep. Given how Amazon often skips putting things in boxes, discretion may also be a concern.

You don’t want your vibrator to stop working. Nor would you be happy with an infection, allergic reaction, or injury from trying to enjoy yourself in the bedroom. A trip to the emergency room would be even worse. All of this might be possible if you buy a product that’s intentionally mislabeled or simply lacks the right information.

And if you’ve ever read a review about something starting a fire or electrocuting the user, you understand why you need to be a savvy shopper,

When It’s Okay to Buy Sex Toys on Amazon

Does this mean you should never buy sex toys from Amazon? Not necessarily. Some products pose fewer risks than others. If there are helpful reviews of the product and vendor and if you can’t find a similar product elsewhere, you may have to bite the bullet, even if it doesn’t vibrate.

Look for established brand names (random names show up for brands that only exist on Amazon, too). Stick to products that have multiple actual photos, including those with packaging. Otherwise, something might show up at your door in a plastic bag with no additional information.

Do research about product safety outside of Amazon. You might even find that Amazon isn’t the cheapest option! I frequently update my sales page, so you can save money on sex toys.

That’s the difference between sex toy stores like Shevibe, Lovehoney, or Babeland, Stockroom, that vet their products and Amazon, where it can be difficult to know who made something. Sex toy retailers often carefully tag products for brand, features, and material, you can filter your searches based on that information.

On top of that, Amazon doesn’t need your money or care about you. Our favorite stores and makers appreciate our patronage and show care in the products they carry, how they market them, and their customer service. When has the same ever been true for Amazon?!

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Sweet 16

July 21st, 2024

More than fourteen years ago, I wrote about why I keep up this blog. At that point, I’d already been doing it for six years and saw plenty of people and companies come and go. I’d tried tons of toys, lingerie, and accessories. It seems fitting that I answer the question again on the 16th anniversary (!) of this blog.

So why do I do this? Why am I still here?

The answer isn’t, like it was then, about getting stuff to review. I rarely review things anymore. I just don’t need to try another sex toy, honestly. I have so many. I’ve tried so many more.

It’s not about rank or praise because those have long since disappeared. While the internet is more competitive than it once was, fewer people seem to read blogs like this. The sex reviewer and blogger community doesn’t exist like it once did, either. Plus, as I grew busy with my life outside of the blog, I have not always posted consistently (don’t even remind me of the periods when I disappeared from Twitter and Facebook!). Talk about bad for SEO!

But I am still here because even if my reasons have changed, my passion for sexuality remains. So many people still need information about sex, whether for themselves, their children, their students, their patients, or their clients. That information is limited, both directly and indirectly, because it’s a sensitive and sometimes controversial topic. People are left to their own devices–often porn–to learn about sex, but what they’re learning is so often more harmful than helpful. We are a long way from providing access to that information to those who need it, not just for satisfaction in the bedroom but for quality of life. Through this blog, I can contribute to that information via resources for the general public.

Yet that’s not all I want to do. Going back to school showed me that I am also interested in helping us learn more about sex through research to continue to help people–and that I am qualified to do so. I am sure some people are unsurprised to learn that I plan to apply for PhD programs this fall.

Whether I am accepted or not, my future as a sex educator will expand beyond the sex toy reviews that had been the focus of this blog for so long. Of course, I’ve already made changes, such as my shift to reviewing books, my Science of Sex feature, and my well-intended media recommendations. On social media, I’ve spent more time sharing links to about research, for example.

But that’s not all. I plan to add courses and host webinars. Perhaps I’ll dip my toe into the world of podcasts–as a guest, of course. Eventually, I want to write a book to reach people beyond the screen. I want to start a Patreon to help fund this endeavor and provide exclusive content to my patrons.

To this end, I need a new name and brand and a domain and website to go with it (of course, I have been hung up on this for years. It’s no easy task, coming up with a brand, and ChatGPT has yet to help. How do you remain punchy and memorable but broad enough to not pigeonhole yourself too much? And don’t get me started on SEO!

I’ll get there eventually.. somehow. In the meantime, I’ll still be here, updating old posts, fixing broken links, and otherwise housekeeping behind the scenes. It’s not much of a party, but I hope to see you around.

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Onward!

May 18th, 2024

More than three years ago, I wrote about my return to school. Now, I write about my exit (even if what I really should be doing is updating the sex toy sales page).

Or, perhaps more accurately, I write about what’s next.

Earlier this year, I started the coursework for sex educator certification with Sexual Health Alliance. The course aligns with AASECT requirements, so completing it, including a final project and supervision hours, will likely set me up to get AASECT certified, too.

In the fall, I will apply to PhD programs, which I have been researching for months and for which I feel (fairly?) prepared.

In the meantime, I need to spearhead some big changes to my site site(s) and brand. I want to start offering classes or webinars, for example. So let me know what you’re interested in!

I think there are more potential audiences than I previously considered, including professionals and students, and I am feeling rather inspired about it all. Ideally, I would be able to help produce information (through research) and spread that information on this blog, among other places (a book, perhaps?!). The former depends on me being accepted into a PhD program, but I’m trying to remain positive!

So send all your positive vibes (ha!) this way, and check back soon!

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lingerie

Why I Still Recommend Come As You Are in 2024

April 24th, 2024

I first read Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are in 2016, according to my Goodreads account. And I’ve been meaning to write a review ever since.

And there’s a reason for that.

You see, seven-plus years is a loooong time on the Internet, a little less so outside of it. However, I have continually recommended Come As You Are (CAYA), here (her name is even a tag on this blog!), in person, on Reddit, and to fellow classmates, among others. I’ve referenced it for work and school. It’s become something of a holy text for sexual desire, and I’m not the only person for whom this is true.

Emily Nagoski changed the landscape when she wrote this approachable book breaking down the ways that sexual desire works–and sometimes seems not to. That’s not hyperbole, either. This book brought the idea of responsive desire and the dual-control system of sexual desire from the white tower of academia to the hands of the people. You’ll find countless articles about this, sometimes by me, everywhere from NPR to Men’s Health. And it’s due in no small part to Nagoski’s work in translating the existing research into more accessible language, including plenty of helpful metaphors.

Come As You Are

That popularity is exactly why I never got around to writing a review. There is no lack of praise for CAYA. Researchers, therapists, book reviewers, bloggers–we all loved it. It became a New York Times Bestseller, after all. So I didn’t see a need to do more than rate it on Goodreads when others had already covered it by the time I got around to reading it 18 months after it came out (and after I wondered how it compared to a different book).

Most important, however, was how the book resonated with readers, the real people whose lives could be improved by the knowledge in those pages. Those people were mainly women because that is the audience Nagoski targeted because of how this information about libido impacts women.

Reading Come As You Are is like having a lightbulb moment simultaneously combined with a warm hug that says, “You are not broken. You are wonderful and loveable just the way you are.” Instead of understanding the natural sciences like you would in an experiment, you better understand your and/or your partner’s desire–or lack thereof. It was much needed.

For so long, people who couldn’t muster desire for their partners despite having great relationships and feeling attraction for them or those who just couldn’t get horny as quickly as society (and partners) expected were told they were broken (while using these so-called shortcomings to sell all sorts of potentially dangerous or unnecessary products). Women were seen as the problem. CAYA flipped the script. By providing information about the intricacies of desire and acceptance of different types of desire, Nagoski helped people understand what might be getting in the way of a more satisfying sex life. She pointed out that societal expectations made people miserable, even when they enjoyed themselves.

Emily Nagoski gave people a new approach to something that legitimately concerned them but had never been resolved by the age-old advice to try something new or spice up their sex life. She offered hope.

If any of this sounds like it might help you, then I wholeheartedly recommend Come As You Are. It’s not just for straight women in relationships with a desire discrepancy. Almost anyone can benefit from reading this book, regardless of gender, orientation, relationship status, or desire level. In fact, I think one of the biggest disservice some people do to this book is overlook how it applies to men, a demographic whose sexual desire is universally assumed to be automatic and, well, simple. If they read CAYA, they’d see otherwise.

And all of this is because the author took a journey to understand her own struggles with sexual desire and brought us all along with her (which certainly added to the book’s approachable nature).

In 2021, just six years after the initial printing, Nagoski revised CAYA. But the original remains as relevant and helpful in 2024 as it did in 2015. No revisions were necessary, even if they were appreciated. But you might as well buy the revised version if you think there’s something to learn. Keep it on your bookshelf or Kindle. Highlight passages or add bookmarks. Pass it around to friends. Read it for book club. It’s worth it still.

I write this shortly after reading Nagoski’s most recent book, Come Together. This newest work, while still aimed more at women readers, tackles sexuality issues as couples—and especially long-term couples—experience them. It starts with the premise that understanding how your desire works can change your life. But it may not always be enough to summit the mountain created by other issues. Instead, Come Together instructs readers to look past desire and focus on pleasure with some practical tips for doing exactly that.

Come Together is a natural sequel to Come As You Are in many ways, and if there were an instance where I wouldn’t recommend Nagoski’s first book, it would be if they already had but needed more. This book fills that need.

And, hey, maybe neither of these books meets any of the needs you’ll ever have (although I doubt it). In that case, I can’t recommend them to you. If so, you’re already doing better than most people, so consider yourself incredibly lucky. But if you ever find yourself joining the rest of humanity with at least occasional sexual issues, these books will be there for you.

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JOPEN Pavé Grace

April 19th, 2024

JOPEN Pavé Grace
$48 from Amazon

I’ve been at this a long time, but sometimes something happens that reminds me just how long. Like sitting down to write this review of a Jopen toy and realizing that I’ve reviewed a vibrator from what I considered to be a new brand 11 years ago. 11 years ago. 11. years. ago. Eleven.

So I guess it’s time to give props to CalExotics for keeping their more premium line/sister brand going. It’s also time to go through my past reviews to fix some images and links, but that’s neither here nor there.

Jopen’s current offerings are more varied than the purple duel stimulators they started with. You can not buy a variety of clitoral, internal, and anal vibes from the line, although they have dropped the Comet vibrators and dildos, which many people (not me) loved.

The company is attempting to differentiate this line with touches of glam, which has resulted in the four current lines: Pavé, Amour, Starstruck, and Callie. Each line comes in its own color variations, and I have no complaints about the Pavé Grace’s light mint/teal color. I wasn’t swayed by the faux crystals; I just wanted to try another clit stimulator.

The faux crystals don’t necessarily look great in photos, and they’re not better in person. There’s also the potential for them to collect fluids. You might think that the top of the vibrator is less likely to come into contact with those, but the gem is actually a button that cycles through functions and powers on the toy, so you don’t want a lube or cum-covered finger sliding around that.

The placement of the gems forced CalExotics to get creative because this is where many toy makers would have placed the intensity controls. The result is something that is accidentally genius. I’ve raved about it before, and I’ll say it again: the controls on the side edge of Grace are intuitive to use, and more companies should take note. Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like CalExotics has realized what they’ve discovered because the only other vibrator with a side button is the Chic Violet. I think it’s only designed like that because it has a grip on the top, preventing the buttons from being placed there. These aren’t even the only buttons on the toy, which is a shame.

Side button placement should be standard. It just makes sense. We’re used to the volume buttons on the sides of our phones, and many remotes now follow suit. I don’t think sex toys should necessarily take after smartphones, but I do think that placing controls there naturally takes advantage of our thumbs, which often don’t do anything while using toys. If you happen to hold the Grace in your left hand, as I do, the controls are easily pressed with your index finger, which still works pretty well.

The buttons are small, however, and even though they’re embossed, I prefer something a little more obvious. It might not be as chic, but I’m all about function over form at this point. Fortunately, there’s a nice clicky feedback when you press the buttons. I wish they weren’t quite so close together, however.

I mentioned that the gem is a button, and you need to hold it down to power the toy on or off. Each setting has 5 speeds, controlled by the buttons on the side. They start on the lowest setting. If you keep pressing the gem, you’ll cycle back through all the settings. Its first setting is steady vibration that’s fairly powerful for the size of the toy but not super deep. They quickly turn uncomfortably buzzy when you increase them (with the side buttons) however. Page through the other 7 settings, and you’ll find pulsation, escalation, and combinations of both. These settings have personally never done much for me, and Grace’s buzzy vibrations aren’t about to change my mind on that. It’s not that it’s awful per se, especially when compared to some similar toys, but it’s not my preference.

I think Grace is probably a little loud for its power output. It won’t wake the neighbors or even the roommates, and pressing it against your body (or using it under the blanket of with the shower on) can muffle some of the sound. But it’s definitely not whisper quiet. Of course, this is rarely an issue when you love the feel of the vibrations.

The rest of the toy’s design is.. okay. I think a lot of similar clit toys are too flat along the side that makes contact with your body. I wish the Siri, for example, was more convex than it is. I always wind up using my fingertips to press toys against my body because they’re not pronounced enough. That’s why I enjoyed the Laya‘s shape. Grace has a slightly more defined nub along the bottom, which is good, but it could have been.. more.

Grace is covered with a semi-soft silicone. At the edges and edges, there’s some give. This includes the nub, and might be a selling point for people who don’t like rigid toys, which a lot of clit vibrators seem to be. It’s the type of silicone that has a ton of drag and collects lint like crazy, however. You win some, you lose some, I guess.

The package touts Grace’s water resistance, and the charging port is a self-closing hole in the soft silicone, so I think it’ll do fine. For lint magnets like this, being able to withstand a full rinse is a must. Speaking of the charger, it slides right into the port with ease, something that doesn’t always happen with toys that use the hidden port design. I enjoy that I don’t have to fuss with it, and an LED by the side buttons and glows red to indicate that the toy is charged and also lights up. When the toy is on, the light glows white, which is not necessary but acceptable.

I think “acceptable” might be a good word for this toy. It’s certainly not the worst. It will get the job done, perhaps with a little effort. A lot of people will probably be content with grace, especially at its price point. Amazon has it for less than $50, although that’s below MSRP. With so many premium brands selling their toys well over $100 and other affordable toys disappearing the price might be what pushes people to buy Grace. I can’t really blame them, but I can wax nostalgic about a time when strong, deep, clitoral vibrators didn’t break the bank.

Thanks to Vibrators.com for sending me this to review, although my review took long enough that they no longer carry the Grace.

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Make love to your long distance lover online

Sex Ed 2.0: Tackling Taboos in the Age of Digital Dominance

April 8th, 2024

The landscape of sex education is undergoing a profound transformation, failing to keep pace with the rapid advancements in digital technology. Traditional methods of sex education, once confined to classrooms and textbooks, now compete with the vast and unregulated expanse of the internet. This shift has led to an increasingly complex battle for influence, with the sex industry and online communities stepping in to fill the gaps left by formal education. Despite the idealistic goals of open education—free, accessible learning resources for all—the realm of sex education presents unique challenges, marked by a lack of regulation and the pervasive influence of pornography.

The digital age has democratized access to information, allowing individuals to explore their sexuality and sexual health without the constraints of traditional barriers. However, this freedom comes at a cost. The sex industry, leveraging the anonymity and reach of the internet, has become a de facto source of sex education for many, presenting a skewed and often unrealistic portrayal of sexuality. This ubiquity of pornographic content online, accounting for a significant portion of web and mobile searches, does not equate to openness but rather reflects its pervasive nature.

According to the erotic portal Erobella, the United Kingdom serves as a case study in the complex relationship between societal attitudes towards sex and the challenges of sex education. The juxtaposition of embarrassment and prudishness with a secretive pursuit of sexual knowledge underscores the hurdles in fostering open and honest discussions about sexuality. The sex industry exploits this cultural ambivalence, further complicating efforts to provide comprehensive sex education.

Reflecting on the past, many of us of a ‘certain age’ can recount the limited and biased sex education of the 1970s, characterized by a focus on physical acts and a blatant disregard for female pleasure and consent. The emergence of the HIV/AIDS crisis and rising teenage pregnancies prompted a shift towards more inclusive and comprehensive sex education, yet these efforts have struggled to evolve in the face of digital innovations.

The recent push towards a curriculum that emphasizes relationships and identity over physical acts of sex marks a step in the right direction. However, the internet and technological advancements have already outpaced traditional educational methods, with young people often turning to online resources for information. This shift has highlighted the inadequacy of current sex education practices and the need for a new approach that embraces the complexities of the digital age.

Pornography, with its distortions and biases, presents numerous challenges, limiting imagination, skewing expectations, and exposing individuals to risks such as abuse and identity theft. Despite the availability of more information than ever before, sexual health is in decline, illustrating the detrimental impact of pornography’s dominance in sex education.

In response to these challenges, there are calls to leverage the reach and appeal of pornography for more comprehensive and engaging sex education. Initiatives like Pornhub’s Sexual Wellness Centre and educational programs in Denmark aim to provide informed and safe access to sexual information, acknowledging the reality of pornography’s influence while striving to counteract its negative effects.

The concept of openness in education, championed by UNESCO, urges a reconsideration of the traditional role of educators as gatekeepers of knowledge. Instead, it advocates for a more democratic approach that empowers individuals to seek out a diverse range of perspectives and information. This shift requires a radical reimagining of sex education, one that can compete with the allure and accessibility of pornography by incorporating digital literacy and a nuanced understanding of sexuality and relationships into the curriculum.

The path forward demands a collaborative effort that extends beyond the classroom, embracing a whole-of-society approach to combat the biases of the sex industry and provide a balanced, inclusive, and comprehensive exploration of sex and relationships. By incorporating digital tools and platforms, sex education can evolve to meet the needs of today’s learners, fostering a generation of informed, empowered, and healthy individuals.

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Image © MisterUnlucky; used with permission.