Categories
BDSM Books Reviews

As Kinky as You Wanna Be: Your Guide to Safe, Sane and Smart BDSM

As Kinky As you Wanna Be
$16 from GoodVibes

What makes As Kinky as You Wanna Be stand out among the myriad of other instructional BDSM books? For starters, it’s not so much a “how to” as some of those books, and Shanna quickly discusses this in the beginning. There are plenty of books that offer this type of information. Off the top of my head, I’d suggest SM101 by Jay Wiseman. He writes about the nitty gritty of bondage and safety, knots and other practical skills. There are books by the likes of 2 Knotty Boys, who also have YouTube videos, to get you started on the right foot, too.

The second difference between this book is how it’s arranged. Each chapter/section has a theme. Shanna discusses the theme, then follows an interview with someone who is especially knowledgable and experienced with that specific subject matter. In fact, Wiseman is one of those people! Then, you’ll have an erotica story or two surrounding the chapter’s theme.

I find the erotica helps to break up the instruction, but it also helps illustrate the subject that’s being discussed in a tangible yet fantastic way that can help a reader who may not be so familiar with certain concepts surrounding BDSM. For example, the section on consent and safewords includes two erotic pieces where couples are exploring their kinky sides and boundaries, each party looking for feedback that their exploration hasn’t crossed into unwanted territory.

Before these stories, Shanna discusses her own experiences surrounding consent, where she and her partner would ask what the other wanted. Well before she was thinking about the idea of consent or even what it means to be kinky, Ms. Germain was engaging in explicitly consented activities.  She goes on to detail SSC and RACK and delves into negotiation, highlighting how it doesn’t always happen at the beginning of a relationship or activities. She describes safewords as a way of removing consent, which I quite like.

Like every other chapter in the book, this is followed with some actionable tips for people who want to put the advice into practice. The repeated format is great because you always know what’s coming, even though the table of contents appears quite long because each of the eight chapters has at least two subsections.

The book is really quite short at 183 pages, including the afterword, glossary, resources and author bios. And the progression of the chapters from discovery to discusses to to consent to toys to ettiquette to health to safety and, finally, through “handling rough terrain” makes perfect sense. It also allows the reader to choose the chapters that are most useful to them.

Shanna Germain discusses all of this with a conversational tone that’s approachable. She talks about her own experience and kinky identity, and she manages to do it all in a way that puts the reader at ease, which I think it important with texts like these. Ms. Germain is an open-minded person, and she knows she’s likely to continue growing as a person. This flexibility is, perhaps, missing from some discussion and resources about BDSM and kinky interests. It’s refreshing.

Although As Kinky as You Wanna Be didn’t introduce me to much new — even many of the contributors were quite familiar to me as a kinky reader and sex blogger — I do feel like it’s a great introductory book to anyone who might be wondering if they’re kinky or who may know they are but not sure where to go from there.

Categories
Dildos Reviews

Fun Factory Bouncer

Fun Factory Bouncer
$105 from SheVibe

An Adriana is a weird thing, what with her ability to squirt but her lesser ability to orgasm from vaginal stimulation. In fact, G-spot stimulation is typically neutral to her and, many times, uncomfortable, even as it’s making her squirt.

Perhaps it’s more than fitting that I set my eye on the Bouncer, one of the newest Fun Factory toys on the market. This dildo, from the outside, looks like any Fun Factory dildo. It’s got the suction cup base with triple rounded lobes. It has the same velvety texture as other FF toys, including the Boss dildo, which presents the same problems and need for lube.

The smaller size of the Bouncer means this is less of an issue, but that’s not the appeal. The folks at Fun Factory have created a dildo with hollow compartments where inner balls provide a vibration-like movement. It’s a hybrid kegel-ball dildo.

This means there are three noticeable bulges, one for each of the balls. It’s not a design that’s entirely foreign, but it’s different from most of the dildos I’ve tried, many of which tend to be glass with smaller textures, or smooth silicone. The bulges create a slight curve, perfect for stimulating all of your spots.

As a G-spot dildo, this works as well as any of them. It made me squirt — and how! It was evident that the shape and firmness were doing this. The ridges that house the inner balls seem rather firm, much firmer than some FF dildos and more like many of the vibrators that are plastic housed in silicone. It also works well for the long, slow thrusts I use to “milk” my G-spot. Plus, it would hold up to short, shallow thrusts that are quite rapid. However, this isn’t what my vag likes.

To get the full extent of the Bouncer, I experimented with the dildo in a variety of ways. Holding it at the base and shaking provides plenty of vibration to your hand, but you can’t quite translate the movement internally. With only the first ball inserted, most of the “bouncing” can be felt near the entrance of my vagina and vulva in a vibratory way. Long, slow thrusts don’t provide a lot of this sensation at all.

Two methods seemed to do the best job at creating the vibrations with the balls. The first I discovered quite accidentally. With the dildo comfortably inserted about halfway, I was able to hold the base and move it in circular directions or quickly from side to side. The quicker you move it, the more vibrations. My G-spot was very receptive to this sensation, which reminded me somewhat of being fingered at just the right angle.

Secondly, I used short, fast “strokes.” By strokes, I mean the movement was less than 2 inches back and forth, but this was also good for making the balls bounce internally and squirting. Through either movement, I couldn’t really “separate” the feeling of bouncing versus thrusting internally, but the addition of the balls made the sensation feel so much bigger, pronounced and and enveloping.

The interesting thing about Bouncer is that the balls continue to bounce around a bit after you halt movement, so you feel the residual “vibrations.’ And while I use this word, the Bouncer isn’t like a vibrator because the balls move in a more erratic and less consistent way. It’s less powerful and fast, and human variation/error comes into play, of course. In fact, it reminds me a bit of the Stronic “vibes,” which have a back-and-forth mechanism to create a sensation similar to but not entirely the same as vibrating.

Bouncer is kinda like that.

So yea, it’s a weird hybrid of kegel ball, dildo, vibrator, whatever. I didn’t get a chance to try it against a wand vibrator, but I bet that will be interesting. I’ve described many toys as “interesting” when I didn’t mean it in a positive way. In the case of the Bouncer, it’s a toy that encourages me to play in new and unique ways.

I can’t promise that you’ll like it, but even if you don’t feel much from the balls, it’s still a good G-spotter in terms of shape and size (over 7″ long and a max diameter of 1.57″). Fun Factory, unlike some companies — I am talking to you, Lelo! — seems to be looking for quality over quantity in innovation!

Categories
Dating

I’m More of a Romantic Than I Make Out to Be

If you ask people who know me well, they’ll tell you that I focus on sex to the exclusion of romance. That I have no use for emotions on the whole, let alone for a romantic partner.

But I like “Good morning, beautiful” texts and sleepy phone calls before bed, sometimes not even managing to hang up before you fall asleep. I want to be Facebook official and to post photos — albeit, photos in which I look good.

I don’t say this because I am some special snowflake or because I am letting the world in on a secret about what women like because I know these things are common for men and women alike. But, these are things people wouldn’t expect from me specifically. And why is that?

  • Because I come at relationships from a point of logical objectivity from this time in my life. I view them similar to business transactions, accept the price of admission and pride myself on being able to get along with just about anyone for the long term because I can and not because I choose to be in a romantic loving relationship with them.
  • Because I would forsake romance, but sex? No way!
  • Because it’s easier to distance myself from romantic desires when I am so painfully single.
  • …because thinking about those things only makes being single feel worse.
  • Because there’s humor in coming off as someone who cares for romance not at all.
  • Because admitting what I want can only set me up for even more disappointment.
  • Because I’m not sure how much of that I can handle.

But at the end of the day, I think I need to admit and accept that I am or can be romantic and that this doesn’t make me — or anyone else for that matter — less.

Categories
Dating

The Void

There’s something so sad about falling out of love with someone. When you’re simply left feeling empty, without feelings and certainly without anything else to put in that void.

Because even when your heart is breaking, you’re still in love. And there’s still a bit of excitement, a reminder that you’re alive. Even though there’s pain, there’s something else.

But getting over someone is the absence of that something, of anything. And it’s hard because you’re no longer waiting for them to come back. You don’t think you need them to live, and you’re not even sure that you would want to take them back. You’re confused, and you’re lost because you no longer have that drive. That drive that, for better or worse, gave you something to live for but also had you convinced that you couldn’t live without the very thing that was missing.

And perhaps this is all as jumbled as confused as my heart feels right now. Or maybe other people don’t feel this way as their feelings are fading away or, perhaps, becoming compartmentalized in some long-forgotten attic in their hearts.

Yes, there are positives I could take away from this situation that I’m not, but right now I think I need to feel — and respect — the emptiness, the loss of that drive, the confusion and the sadness that results from it all.

I’d almost rather feel the pain than nothing at all.

Categories
BDSM Reviews

Fetish Fantasy Nipple Clamps [Comparison]

Magnetic Clamps, Tit Clamps and Clover Clamps
$15 - $25 from Amazon

Although I haven’t written about them before, I have tried nipple clamps. The pair I had were a generic rectangular, screw style. They were heavy enough to be noticeable, a sensation I quite like.

Unfortunately, the weight combined with a very loose screw meant they didn’t like to stay in place, and you certainly couldn’t tug on them if you wanted to — and I found that I did!

Pipedream was gracious enough to send me three styles of nipple clamps to try out, all from their Fetish Fantasy series. I figured this would give me a good idea of what I liked, and if I liked it enough, I could invest in more serious hardware down the line.

The three styles I received were magnetic nipple clamps, Japanese clover clamps and the poorly-named “tit clamps with chain.”

Fetish Fantasy Limited Edition Magnetic Nipple Clamps

These are probably my favorite clamps out of the bunch in terms of aesthetic. I really like how the hardware rings your nipple, and the gems on the sides helps them catch the light. I imagine this would be good for photography! The design might be a bit bulky or heavy for some.

Magnetic nipple clamp
Magnetic nipple clamp

The design is definitely the least painful out of the three sets I had to try. The clamp attach with magnetic crossbars through the rings that sit on either side of your nipples. You’ll need to pull them apart to place the nipple clamp on. It’s not difficult due to the strength of the magnets, but it works better with two hands. Maybe I’m just not dexterous enough.

The end at a “T” shape and you can choose to position the crossbars either flat against or perpendicular to your nipples. If your nipples are smaller, you might not be able to get a good fit with the magnetic crossbars no matter how you try to put them on. I pull mine outward to get them to stick.

I find lying the crossbar flat against my breast works best. . The pull of the magnet keeps it in place, and it’s not so strong as to really be painful.

However, it’s not so strong to really be painful. There is a bit of a pinch, but it’s probably not enough for someone who wants to feel — or cause — serious pain. I did accidentally cut my nipple by pulling them off, so there’s that. Ha!

It’s also not adjustable, which may cause a problem. They’re also not connected; although, I feel as it you could connect a chain of sorts around the rings. Be careful when you pull as the magnets aren’t the strongest thing ever – and the heavier design probably contributes to this. These could easily come off, and the magnets don’t pull strongly through the tip of a finger, for example. However, pulling the nipple clamps straight off isn’t painful, so they can be quickly removed!

Overall, these magnetic nipple clamps seem to be a bit more form than function, but I do find the sensation to be as enjoyable as the appearance. They just don’t whet the appetite of the more extreme kinksters.

Get them from Amazon here.

Fetish Fantasy Japanese Clover Clamps

This style of nipple clamp is more traditional, and many brands make them. They’re lightweight, even though they’re overall larger than the magnetic nipple clamps. You simply place your index ffingerand thumb opposite along the bottom and give a squeeze to open the pincers. Place a nipple between the padded — with what looks like silicone or plastic — pincers, and you’re good to go. It’s like using clothespins as clamps, even though the clamps look more complicated.

Japanese clover clamp
Japanese clover clamp

The pincers open up about an inch, and can even hold something as thin as a piece of paper between them, so they’ll work for a larger variety of nipples than the magnetic clamps. It’ll squeeze the nipple flat as it applies pressure. It makes most sense to place it straight down; although, you could wear them to the side.

Although lightweight, clover clamps pack quite a punch. They’ll stay in place as you tug and pull on them, allowing you to provide more stimulation. Like a clothes pin, you could wrap something like a rubber band around the group to ease up the tension.

Each of these clamps comes with a white cord, which you can pull to increase tension. To be honest, I’d prefer a chain and find the string tacky and doesn’t match the feel of the clamps themselves.

$25 from Amazon.

Fetish Fantasy Series Tit Chain Clamps

The finally set of nipple clamps I have to review has the worst name and packaging of the bunch. Pipedream needs to get on that ASAP. But the name is self-explanatory. The pair of nipple clamps is connected by a chain, and a might heavy one at that, to pull down on the nipples and add sensation.

Tit clamps with chain
Tit clamps with chain

These are the smallest of all the clamps, with two little paddle shapes that sit on either side of your nipples. You’ll wear them perpendicular to your breast, like a larger version of the clover clamps. I find you need more finger strength to use these clamps, so the clover clamps might be a better option for someone with arthritis because the clamping part itself is so similar — just a different size.

If your nipples are smaller, they’ll pretty much be enveloped by the clamps, which is what happens to me. The pincers on the clover clamps are much smaller, which means you see more nipple if that’s your thing. The pincers separate just wide enough to get my fingers between them, but not my thumb, and I don’t have meatier fingers like some people.

In terms of sensation, these seem comparable to the clover clamps, but they’d be much harder to adjust.

$25 from Amazon.

If you’re just getting into nipple clamps, the magnetic clamps are attractive and the least harsh. For more intense pain, either the clover clamps are easy to use with one hand, and you can easily adjust with a rubber band or add a chain, if you’d like. Although the chain already comes with the “tit” clamps, they seem the cheapest made and least attractive of them all; plus, they require more hand strength to use.

Categories
Dating Site

He’s Back

Y’know, the guy on Tindr.

Actually, he returned a day later. I was confused when he popped up again, but swiped right.

He sent a message right away — that I didn’t see — about how he deleted his account because he was nervous. He apologized, but I played it cool.

We’ve talked a lot since then. He has a lot of downtime at work, and his schedule is third shift, during which I am usually awake.

We get on pretty well, but it’s been quiet for a while. And it will be while I’m back in Minnesota for an extended weekend.

This means it’ll also be quiet here, but I hope to return with reviews and some other awesome posts. I’ve got ideas!

Categories
Articles

6 Picture Mistakes Men Make on Tinder

Having spent a little bit of time on Tinder over these last few weeks, I’ve found myself both frustrated and befuddled about some of the photos choices that guys make. And we’re not just talking about fish; although, there are plenty of those pictures to hate, too. No, it seems like guys don’t want me to swipe right — or is it left — when they do these things.

1. All of Their Photos Are Group Photos

Guys do this a lot. It’s great that you’re not addicted to selfies. It’s awesome that you have friends.  And that you fish, hunt, like your car/truck, have climbed mountains, go to parties and have tons of hot female friends. Except none of those things helps me determine who you are when I’ve never met you every picture is of multiple men. Often, those guys all look pretty similar. So give us a single, clear picture of your face or tell us who you are at the very least.

2. Photos Only Depict Animals

I like cats and dogs. I have cats. It’s cool that you do, too. Or something even weirder. But you’e not your pet. This shouldn’t be your main photo on Tinder (but maybe you can add just one). In fact, no one should use their pets — or kids! — as their profile picture on any social network.

3. There Are No Clear Facial Shots

Unless you’re only looking for the hookup so you plan to show off only your body for privacy reasons, then we want to see your face in a recent and flattering photo. With smart phones, it’s really not all that hard.

4. All Photos Show Are At the Gym/Flexing/Pulling Up Your Shirt

A good body is great, okay. But that doesn’t need to be all we see. After all, if you wear well-fitting clothing, your physique will show through just fine. And shouldn’t you make it seem like you’re not trying that hard? Maybe?

5. The Photos Look Like Honeymoon Pictures

Tinder is obviously a hookup app. If you’re with someone and haven’t made it clear that it’s open, you’re shooting yourself in the foot. Plus, I can’t help but wonder if guys use photos with their exes as an ego boost. Like “Look how hot my ex is!” This just rubs me the wrong way, every time. So while that may be a stellar picture of you, it probably shouldn’t be your main picture,

5. There Are Repeated Photos

Tinder’s profile options seem pretty buggy to me. I tried to upload one picture today, and it deleted 2 — including my profile picture. But it doesn’t take long to double check and fix those errors.

6. There Are No Photos At all

For a micro-dating service that provides only two ways for people to learn anything about it, it’s important that you utilize the most important method — photos. I think I speak for most people when we realize you have low self-esteem if you refuse to post photos. Most people might not be attracted to you, but no one will have the chance if you don’t let them at least see you.

And while some people will tell you not to use selfies, that’s a far lesser offense than doing any of these things in my opinion. At least I know what you look like when you do that!