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Reviews

Platinum Edition G-Bliss

This is a weird vibe, and not for any reasons that you’d notice on the outside. It looks like a slew of other vibes that CEN has released before. But the features — of lack there of — are kinda weird. You see, there’s no steady vibration, and while my G-spot certainly responds to pulsation, I generally prefer the sensation of steady vibrations.

What you have instead are escalation like an airplane, escalation like a race car, escalation like a car that’s about to break down, pulsation like a bumblebee, fast pulsation, longer pulsations, fast-fast-slow pulsation and something that I’m pretty sure is Morse code.

Some of them just seem too similar for me, and while the pulsation is decent due to the power source — 2 AAs — I don’t want fancy. I can’t bring myself to care that this is waterproof when it doesn’t do what I want outside of the water. I just want what works. This is all controlled by heart-shape buttons. Gag me, and not in the erotic way.

I also found that the shaft doesn’t work for me. It’s just under 1 1/4 inches wide, and I feel like I want something bigger these days. The little wave on the shaft doesn’t extend enough to reach the clit, so it’s just for looks, but I’m not sold on the look of this vibe.

The target demographic is just not me. It also seems like this toy is geared toward beginners with its price tag of less than $25. In fact, it really seems like a step down from some of the company’s recent efforts, which use silicone and rechargeable vibrators. There are words embossed on the base about recycling and such, information that’s on the box and certainly doesn’t need to be on the toy itself. The use of this translucent TPR seems like a way to produce a cheap toy, especially after this recent discussion about TPR on Twitter, but this is ultimately one of those toys that I would advise shoppers to get only if they’re not absolutely sure that they like toys.

 

CEN Sexpert

 

Categories
Reviews Vibrators

Silicone Personal Pleasurizer

At taking one look at the Silicone Personal Pleasurizer, you might expect me to hate it. In fact, I expected the very same. That’s why I was pleasantly surprised when I popped in some batteries and I didn’t. So I will tell you why I didn’t hate it, and why it might work for you.. if you aren’t me.

This little vibrator is a lot like a bunch of pieces of crap given names like “butterfly kiss.” This one does not have a butterfly on it. Yay for that?! I’ve tried a number of these, and I didn’t really like any of them. I certainly didn’t keep them in my collection – gah! This is mainly because they were all made out of crap materials, so I have to give Cal Exotics pops for moving to silicone with this one. No, I didn’t flame test it before passing it off to a good friend who definitely needed it more than I did, but even some silicone is better than the TPR or jelly crap of yesterday.

One of the other things that I disliked about similar toys is how flexible the neck was. Tiny girth + too much flexibility = no good G-spot stimulation. Fortunately, CEN has also disappointed less in this department by making the silicone a little more dense. It’s still flexible, but you’ll get more G-spot stimulation with fewer problems. This is great for anyone with a more sensitive G-spot, but it’s not going to be your cure-all if you need a lot of pressure.

Another improvement is the longer neck; at least, it seems longer to me than I remember this style of vibe being in the past. The shaft looks something a little like a thumb, and while the whole thing is 2.75″ long, you can insert around half of that. The product page says its got a girth of 1.5 inches, but this isn’t true. It might be at the point where the clitoral stimulator is, but that’s not going inside you. No, this one is much more like an actual thumb width — somewhere between .4 and .75 inches, depending upon the location you measure it on the shaft. Obviously, the tip is bulbous for G-spot stim, so it’s thicker there.

And you know what? There’s one more thing that I don’t hate about his toy. This one’s going to be a shocker, too. I like the vibrations. I mean, they’re not earth shattering, but they’re impressive for using just two AAAs. The package says this has two motors, and it actually makes a difference. The vibrations are both stronger and deeper than I ever may have experienced from that power source.

There are only three levels of steady vibes and no other settings, but I think the vibes would be enough for some people. The downside to this is that the toy gets quite loud on the highest settings. It’s not whisper quiet. Sorry guys. Companies should really stop using that descriptor, period.

A single push button operates the toy, which is easy enough to use. An o-ring makes it waterproof, so you can enjoy it in the shower, and that would mean the sound output matters a little less.

Still, it’s not a perfect toy. The clitoral nub is directly at the base of the shaft, which means that if you clit isn’t pretty close to your vaginal opening, you’re SOL. That’s really the biggest downfall to these type of toys, shaft flexibility aside. And the nubs on this clit stim? Are kind of weird. I’m not really into them. I’d be just as good with smooth silicone.

So this isn’t the perfect toy for me, but it’s a definite improvement and better than I expected it to be. You might like it, and with an MSRP of $28, it’s not badly priced, either.

Categories
Reviews Vibrators

Gyrating Sensations Gyrating Hummer

I’ve come down with an awful cold, so this one’s going to be a quick one.

The gyrating hummer is not the type of vibe I’d pick for myself. You see, it’s weird shaped. I mean, I’m not into spoon/scoop shaped toys, and I don’t get the point of the little pokey dimple on the back. Whenever I look at this toy from the side, all I can imagine is a Shyguy — and not in the good way! Plus, for a toy that I wouldn’t want to insert, it just seems a little long for external use. It seems reasonable that CEN could save some time and materials by making this vibrator a little shorter. It doesn’t need to be longer than six inches. Then again, I just don’t get this whole “clit huggers” thing. Can someone please fill me in? Or not. I don’t really care. At least it doesn’t use AAA batteries.

So here’s some things that work in this toy’s favor:

  • It’s available in bright freakin’ green
  • The 2 AAs provide some surprisingly deep vibrations
  • It’s easy to use
  • The plastic cote is silky smooth and feels good to the touch
  • It has multiple modes
  • The pulsations are impressive
  • It’s water resistant with an O-ring around the battery pack

Really, I expected this to be a buzzy little thing, but the vibrations are impressively deep. They’re not the strongest ever, but I was taken aback. It makes me wish that I liked the shape better, but I just don’t. I don’t want to cup or surround my clit. I want firm pressure, which this toy just cannot provide.

But there’s plenty of things that suck about this toy:

  • The shape is just plain weird
  • You have to press the button for several loonnng seconds before it turns off
  • It rattles and is louder than I’d like
  • It uses one of those quarter-turn battery cap styles, which is a bitch to screw on
  • The silver band looks cheap
  • The vibrations could be stronger

Ultimately, however, it’s cheap. That’s what we gotta focus on. For less than $20, you really could do worse. If the shape somehow works for you, then go for it. I need something else, but I think I could have liked aspects of this toy if I hadn’t already tried hundreds.

Categories
Reviews Vibrators

Luxe Euphoria

In the past, I haven’t loved other Luxe toys I’ve tried. I think they’re all super cute, but they also only run on 2AAAs. That pretty much sums up my experience with the Luxe Euphoria.

And when I try to describe what this thing looks like, I just want to say:

If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck and sounds like a duck.. it’s a vibrator?

I mean, it’s really got a face. California Exotics is taking a cue from the Japanese, I guess. There’s head and a little bill with which you can stimulate yourself. Maybe it’s a platypus. Then, it straightens out for you to hold it. It’s cute. I wouldn’t have picked out this shape, but something about it makes me smile despite myself. Like, maybe I want to do shadow puppets with it.

Sadly, I don’t really want to masturbate it because it’s just too weak for me. Yea, we all saw that coming. Two tiny batteries, and it barely feels like it’s turned on. Oddly enough, mine came with one of the tester batteries. I’m sure people will freak out about the toys being used, but they all get tested before sent out. Oh well, free battery?

I wish it was stronger, though, because that duck face could actually work. I can sort of curve my finger over the top of the head toward the bill, which gives me leverage for a little pressure. The bill offers pinpoint stimulation, which isn’t my favorite, but the silicone is firm with a little give. However, this means that my palm is over the controls. I have a hard time with buttons because I have to use my fingers for pressure and I want the buttons to be accessible but not exactly where I’m going to hold the toy down– I’m talking to you, Lelo.

CEN has gone with the two-button style: a master power button and another button that cycles through all the settings. It’s annoying when there’s many settings, but the Luxe Euphoria has only seven:

  • low
  • medium
  • high
  • escalation
  • past pulsation
  • faster pulsing
  • short then fast pulsation

The batteries are woefully inadequate, and while there’s a red LED below the buttons, it seems like mine might be defective. It doesn’t shine under both, only sort of in the middle. If this is the design, it really doesn’t help to illuminate the buttons.

California Exotics has done something new with the battery cap, as far as I recall, and I hate it. Instead of being able to screw it off, you have one of those little covers with the springy part like your remote control. It’s on the “tail” of the duck and almost so flush that you can’t find it. I actually like that it’s so seamless, but it makes it difficult to find, and the springy part you need to push to open it. The cover pops straight up, and I have a hard time getting it back on. I think I’m using to things that angle into place. It’s just different, I suppose.

The seamlessness probably lends to the waterproofiness of this toy. There’s not a single O-ring. Rather, the entire battery connection part on the cap is surrounded by a layer or silicone or TPR. It seems pretty secure, to be honest. I wouldn’t use this toy in the shower — you wouldn’t feel it with the water — but it’s easy to clean.

I do love the texture of this. Both the silicone and plastic have a velvety treatment. While the plastic is rigid, it has the same texture as the silicone. This, I like. There’s a silver “collar” that’s made of plastic and runs around the duck’s neck. This is definitely the weak point of the design. Not only can I see seams, but I can see the glue. Eeps!

This toy isn’t something I’d pay $30 for, especially knowing what I need, but CEN has made some good strides with this, even if it’s the odd duck out.
CEN Sexpert

Categories
Reviews Vibrators

Waterproof Power Stud Cliterrific

So, I never would have picked this toy by myself. I think the fact that CEN calls it a “dong” is a good indicator of that. It’s essentially a realistic dildo with a vibrator mechanism added in as an afterthought. It’s got veins, a head and some strange bumps that really evoke the image of a dude who shaved about a week ago and is kind of prickly. This isn’t starting off very favorable, is it? I

To be honest. I have nothing positive to say about this one. I’m far too tired to fake it with a vibrator, okay?

It might look realistic ish. If bright pink and pitch black ever are. And the size is about right with 6″ or so of insertable length. But it doesn’t feel realistic. The PVC — again, not my choice — is very plasticy. The product description calls it soft, but it’s soft in the way that plastic is. It’s nothing like silicone. It doesn’t feel good. The veins and head are lost on me because it’s just ick. In your hand, you can tap it with a finger and hear the hardness of the PVC . I don’t know how the hell this made it past the inspection process.

I mean, at least it doesn’t collect lint? I don’t know.

That’s not the only incredibly offensive thing about this toy. Y’all know that I like some power and depth to my vibrators. I shy away from any that take AAA batteries because of this. When I forget, I am always disappointed. The Layaspot is the only exception to this rule ever. With 2AAs, I figured I might not hate this.

Guess what?

I was wrong.

For starters, the control is on the side of the shaft. It points up when this is inserted with the ridiculous nubs upward. When you consider that a) the shaft doesn’t bend or flex and b) I’m not going to insert this down to the giant testicle base, they’re useless, but I digress.

The button on the side of the shaft gives you three levels of steady vibes and they all suck. Or blow. Or fucking rot. Pick one. They’re stupidly week. Like trying to get off by sticking your vulva toward the wind. I don’t even know what that means, but it would probably work better than this.

I gave up in thirty seconds. I’m sorry. This just isn’t a good toy at all.

Maybe you can use this waterproof vibe to clean your tub. I don’t know. Please don’t buy it. If you really want realistic, anything by Vixen is a better bet. While the BOB has the stupid nubs, it at least feels better. The Posh Teaser 2 is definitely stronger, prettier and ultimately more useful in my book, too, if you need something cheap!
CEN Sexpert

Categories
Reviews Vibrators

Posh Teaser 2

I wasn’t super enamored with any of the Posh line of toys from California Exotics. It’s good that they’re silicone, and the price isn’t too bad, but they all looked a little generic. I’d rather have a super strong rechargeable, I guess. So I was surprised when I received the Teaser 2 in blue and I like I’d underestimated it. It’s less tiny and, well, dinky. It feels more significant in my hand. This doesn’t mean that I’m going to throw out my Mona or anything because, well, it’ll never happen. Others are still better at what I need them to do, but I think CEN is making some toys that are definitely wallet-friendly, good for beginners and worth keeping around for as long as they’ll last. The Posh Teaser 2 might be one of those.

THe Posh Teaser has an interesting textured. It’s a series of bulbs along the 5″ shaft. There’s some wavy swirls that are interesting to my eyes but, as is usually the case, don’t add much for my vagina. Still, the head is the biggest bulb of all and adds some G-spot action. The silicone does have a lot of drag, though, and it’s prone to collect lint. You’ll want to use a nice dose of water-based lube, even though the that is 1.5″ wide at its most. Really, the majority of the shaft is about 1″ long, which makes this good for people who don’t like to feel like a subway train is trying to squeeze through their lady parts. You’re welcome for the visual.

Another thing I like about this toy is the LED ring that surrounds the button on the base. I will never see it in use, but it pulsates with the setting, and I feel like I’m ready for anything? You don’t need a flashlight, guys, I’ve got my sex toy. I’m not familiar with seizures, but if you’re photosensitive, you won’t want to look at the base of the toy. There’s some serious flashing going on. And it’s bright. B-r-i-g-h-t.

Except for the head, which has some give when squeeze it and can bend just a few degrees, the silicone covers a rigid inner mechanism. But it’s plush all around and doesn’t feel hard, just ungiving beneath.

I’m also not shatteringly-disappointed with the strength of the vibrations. It’s only powered by 2 AAAs, but they’re putting out some decent vibrations considering the power source. Sure, they’re buzzy, but the highest setting is okay, and the pulsations feel more effective. However, CEN did something stupid, here. They put the highest setting first, so when you press the button, you wind up turning it down. Um, that makes no sense. M I Rite? Right. So once you’re all buttered up and want to increase the settings, you’re disappointed to find out that’s all there is. It’s not the first time a vibrator has worked like this but it should be the last, god damn it.

There are seven different pulsation settings to this toy, which is more than enough. They’re fast, slow and everything in between. I’m not really won over by pulsing, though, so this might be more your thing than it is mine. The Posh Teaser 2 remembers your setting when you turn it off, which might be good if you like those settings. Otherwise, you’d have to cycle through them all again.

For the power output, this is a little loud. I don’t think the vibe should be any louder than it is on its weakest setting, which says something. It’s not a chainsaw, but it’s definitely not “whisper quiet.” Unless, maybe, you know those people who whisper yell.

I don’t use my toys in the shower and have no tub, but CEN calls it waterproof. The battery cap twists on normally — none of that half twist BS — and there’s an O-ring permanently attached. I wouldn’t submerge it in the ocean, but you can test its waterproofiness all you want. It’s nothing I’d worry about in the shower, though, and it makes cleaning with soap and water easy. Unfortunately, you’ll need to watch the lint off of this before you use it if you don’t keep it in a Ziploc bag.

I’m not going to default to the Posh Teaser 2 over any of my other toys, but I’d pass mine on to someone in need, and I’d absolutely recommend it to anyone in need of a cheaper, G-spot dildo. That’s quite the endorsement.

CEN Sexpert

 

Categories
Dildos Reviews

Marilyn

Berman Weighted Pelvic Exerciser Marilyn

Berman Weighted Pelvic Exerciser Marilyn

This is a discontinued product, but you can try a smart Kegel trainer or Kegel balls to improve muscle function.

I haven’t had a lot of luck with the other Dr Berman toys I’ve tried. They’re frequently poor quality and inferior materials. Many of them items seem like there were design by someone who has no idea what a man or woman truly wants from a sex toy, let alone a so-called expert. In fact, I have thrown out every single Dr. Berman toy I’ve had a chance to try, so I don’t have high hopes for them. If you’re getting the picture that I wouldn’t have personally chosen to buy this dildo/PC exerciser, then you’re right.

But, I think this toy is probably less of an abomination than every other toy in the line. However, it could definitely use some improvements. Let’s start with the obvious. This is made of resin. I assume it’s something like acrylic. Every once in a while, you see a toy made of this hard material. On EF’s scales, it’s rated a 9, so it’s not horrible, but I think it is confusing. So the toy seems similar to but not quite like glass. That is, it’s clear, smooth and rigid. It sounds like plastic if you hit it with a nail, though. The density isn’t quite the same.

I think it’s also a little lighter than glass, but I’m not positive. I don’t know if this is actually working against the design. You see, California Exotics has included two weighted stainless steel balls in either end of the toy. One of obviously larger and heavier than the other. The intent is to use this is a pelvic muscle exerciser, but I think perhaps the weight of glass could have helped this, reducing or even eliminating the need for the balls themselves. Maybe I’m wrong, but I find the material choice curious.

I’m also not sold on the design. I recognize that this isn’t supposed to be a dildo per se, but I’m betting that most people will want it to be versatile. The end with the larger internal ball has a single row of nubs that run around the circumference. It’s got no texture at all. I like rows of nubs or, preferably, ridges that wrap around the entire shaft. I’m not much of a fan of such a difference between texture and lack thereof, so this isn’t my thing.

The other side of the shaft also has some interesting texture, but I’m having a hard time describing it. If you look at it head on from the end, it looks a bit like a star. There are elongated dimples that are about an inch or so long running down the length of the shaft. This results in angled ridges. Most ridges tend to be more square or round, at least in my experience. This is unique, but I think it looks cooler than it is.

The rest of the shaft is completely smooth. It tapers toward the center, so either end is wider. Both ends come to a rounded point, and it seems like the one on the nubby end is a little more rounded, but it could just be shorter. That end seems significantly smaller, even though it holds the larger internal ball. I think it’s just my eyes playing tricks on me though. It is smaller, but not by much. The smaller end measures about 1.4″ in diameter, while the larger end measures a little over 1.5″ in diameter. The product description says 1.25″, but that doesn’t match any measurement I took. The thinnest part is less than an inch wide, so I’ve no idea.

Sizewise, this could work for people who like smaller toys, but because the ends are larger, there’s no tapering to help you out. This isn’t really for pleasure in that way. Ideally, you’d start with the larger end with the smaller ball for PC exercises. You could pull with your fingers while using your muscles to play tug of war or simply insert and squeeze. I suppose if you were so inclined, you could walk around with it inserted, but I’m not. Then, you’d move to the smaller end, which would require better trained muscles and which, in theory, result in more of a workout because of the weightier ball.

But therein lies the keyword: workout. I don’t have the time or effort to be so conscientious about my PC muscles, and I don’t think it’s necessary for me. If you experience more difficulties with bladder control or have just given birth, you might be more concerned than I am. Perhaps this “Weighted Pelvic Exerciser” might be more up your alley or your doctor would recommend something similar. Then again, I’m not sure why you couldn’t just use a regular dildo or, if you’re lazy like me, some kegel balls might be better for passive exercise. I’m just saying.

In terms of quality, there’s no seams. Ease of use? Yep. Versatility? Eh, not so much. Cleaning and care? As easy as glass or hard plastic. I’d you could use any lube with this, but I’m not really sure. So information? Cal Exotics is pretty lacking there. Still, this toy doesn’t seem to do much that one of my glass dildos does, and I can use them to get off or squirt, too. However, it’s definitely the least offensive in the Berman line, so there’s that.

CEN Sexpert