Magic Wand Original
$69.95 from Maxi Wand

For the rest of this review, I am going to use “Hitachi” because it’s easier to type and my nails are wet and I am annoyed. So, okay.

If you’ve ever seen the movie Blair Witch Project and you were curious whose stupid idea it was to do the handheld camera thing, let me suggest this. The shakeyness was not due to holding it by hand. Rather, the tripod was attached to a Hitachi. The Hitachi may also been the cause of the earthquake that altered the planet’s axis and shortened the day.

This is, to say, the Hitachi is strong. It’s the strongest toy I’ve used. It’s stronger, on its highest setting, than the Miracle Massager. The Inspire. That one terrible rechargeable massager that I used once before tossing it in my swap drawer, which omg-you-guys is getting so full! There’s a reason Hitachi has been around for a million and one years. It comes through where other vibrators don’t.

It’s effective as hell if you’re a power queen. It’s also strong enough to provide real comfort to achey bones and muscles, legitimately. If I place that thing on my clit, I feel it in my spleen. My nipples almost dance because of the strength of the Magic Wand Original.

And original it is! It hasn’t changed in design for many years, although the name and packaging got a revamp. But the design hasn’t changed. It’s clunky. It’s loud. Like a god damned chainsaw. It’s big. It’s not friendly if you’re injured or have arthritis.

Design-wise, Hitachi doesn’t stand out. Perhaps this is because every other wand maker copies them. Don’t break what isn’t broken, right? But I’m not sure that this design isn’t broken. Or maybe I am broken. At the end of the day, I prefer the lighter, curved body of the Miracle Massager. It’s weaker, but I really only use the Hitachi on low (more on that soon, I promise!). They both have springy heads, but I find the weird round and spongey head on the Hitachi to be lackluster. Miracle Massager has this edge that I grind into my clint/pubic bone. Hitachi’s head is too round, and I don’t get the pressure I like. Inspire has an almost completely round head, but it’s smaller, so I can really jam it up there between my labia. Is that a weird way to describe it? I don’t think I care.

Maybe I would like it better with an attachment. I’m sure I’d squirt like hell all over with the g-spot accessory, but I already have G-spot toys that are pretty good at that and are far less cumbersome.

Okay, so the shape isn’t to my liking but maybe that would be okay if the Hitachi knocks my socks off? And I would be lying if I said it wasn’t strong enough. In fact, it’s too strong, like I alluded to earlier. I only ever use it on the lower setting, which I prefer because the vibrations are deeper here. It’s not like the high setting is buzzy, but I just like really rumbly vibrations.

But the problem with a vibrator so strong is that it detracts from what I am feeling. It’s overwhelming. It feels and sounds.. too much. I wind up pulling away when I am about to orgasm because I guess my orgasms are hard work — even with the Hitachi — and not very strong. I like to feel my muscles contracting and the Hitachi is just too much of an attention hog. I literally wind up turning it off, but this makes it a little disappointing.

I’m well aware that my issues with the Hitachi are some of my own, but I think most people are looking for the right balance between shape, strength, effectiveness, and noise. The Hitachi just doesn’t do it for me.

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