Sex in Canada
$19 from Amazon

I first came across Sex in Canada when another Sexual Health Alliance student was looking for recent research to incorporate into a class they were teaching. While Indiana University and The Kinsey Institute research how people identify and what they do in the bedroom here in the United States with their National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, the most recent information in this study focuses on condom use and young people. More generalized findings about American sexuality are less recent. I know that there’s a thriving sexuality research culture in Canada and thought that by the nature of being Western countries, there might be enough overlap that American sex educators or therapists could rely on Canadian data to fill in the gaps. This led me to Sex In Canada, a book published earlier this year by Tina Fetner of McMaster University.

Fetner’s book is the culmination of years of sexuality research, essentially Canada’s sexual census. Like Justin Lehmiller, who laid out his research about sexual fantasies in a book rather than a paper, Fetner opted to publish a more accessible overview of her studies. I appreciate this approach because it’s the first time Canadian researchers have attempted such a comprehensive survey of the country’s citizens, and they asked some questions that have been left out of American sex research. 

Sex in Canada is still relatively short while remaining more accessible to most than an academic paper. Fetner dedicates a chapter each to sexual identity, frequency, relationships in which sex happens, sexual activities, pain–both wanted and not–and the social organization of sex before wrapping up. She also includes inline graphs for each finding she discusses in these pages. These choices make it easy to follow the research from basic to more advanced concepts. It also contributed to my quick realization that there are more differences between American and Canadian bedrooms than I initially thought. This latter fact is bolstered by Fetner referencing existing research, which sometimes focused on American participants.

Admittedly, it was a little challenging to get into Sex in Canada at first. It can be dry, and while Fetner provides some background research in each chapter, she writes like an academic and isn’t trying to create a narrative like a novelist. I don’t think a book like this needs to do that, but I’ve seen a review that touches on it. That said, the graphs and sections in each chapter make this book fairly scannable, and it’s easy to put it down and pick it back up again.

My interest was especially piqued by learning how Canadians go about sex differently than Americans. They generally seem to be a bit more conservative than Americans. I was particularly taken by the legality of common-law marriage after just one year in Canada, which has never really been a thing anywhere I’ve lived in the States. This approach means marriage rates are lower overall than their neighbors to the south, although they’re falling in both countries.

There are also specific demographics within Canada that differ from the U.S., starting with French Canadians. However, the differences aren’t as easily described as more or less sexually permissive. Canada’s government and academic institutions also have a specific relationship with First Nations people than their American counterparts due to our native population. Fetnet addresses this sensitively when she touches on First Nations’ sexuality and encourages readers to learn about the oppression they’ve experienced directly from the community. However, I could see how someone who wants to use this book as a primer might be annoyed with this approach.

For some, Sex in Canada may not offer enough to chow down on, but they’re likely expecting beyond the scope of a book explaining research findings. Fetner’s words are straightforward, lending to the book’s brevity. Her prose ultimately repeats the graphs, and someone could rely on the visuals alone if they want. The conclusion also sums up the previous research, and readers could flip to this final section for a high-level overview of what’s going on in Canada’s bedrooms instead of reading the entire book. But Fetner can only write about what she and her team revealed by their research.

Because Sex in Canada is relatively short and well organized, it would make a great reference book on the shelves or in the curriculum of many educators, and therapists might benefit from it, too. It would be especially helpful for those practicing in Canada or who want to discuss sexuality on a global scale, although I think some things do generalize. Casual readers may not find it overly engaging, and some academics may prefer a paper in PDF form to a book like this, but for those who need a book like this, I’m glad it exists.

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What Do Women Want?: Adventures in the Science of Female Desire
$15.99 from Bookshop.org

Although I meant to sit down to write this review months ago, I’ve actually done it in far less time than it took to actually read this book since placing it on my to-read list (which badly needs and update). In fact, that delay contributes largely to my review as you’ll see when you keep reading…

The field of sex research is an interesting one. Because it was for so long viewed as inappropriate or unimportant, it has lagged behind other fields. This simultaneously means that we missed out on opportunities to learn about sexuality, and now that sex research is well underway, it’s happening at a rapid-fire pace. The downside of this frenzy of activity is that research or publications about research can quickly become dated, even painfully so. This doesn’t bode with for Daniel Bergner’s book What Do Women Want?

Published in 2013, this book isn’t quite a decade old. Yet, I was shocked at how unfamiliar I was with some of the researchers Bergner interviewed or cited aside from Lori Brotto. Some of the names I know indirectly because they’ve been cited by researchers with whom I am familiar. As I read this book, it almost seemed to focus on a different generation of researchers–and thus their research–than the articles, books, and podcasts I’ve consumed about sexuality over the last decade. Without more recent research, What Do Women Want? seems lacking.

Although I hesitate to say it, I think a project of this nature might have been overly ambitious, given the state of research in 2013. Of course, hindsight is 20/20, but Bergner’s book just doesn’t stand on its own two feet. Because the author’s ultimate point is that, yet, women do want to have sex and not necessarily in relationships. Yet that hardly seems groundbreaking or all that helpful, at least in 2022 2023.

After finishing the book, I was left wondering, “So what?” What are readers supposed to do with this argument, even if it’s the first time they’ve considered it (and I concede that this book might have been more revelatory when it was first published). There’s no thoughtful analysis about why we’ve come to a place where we believe women aren’t interested in sex, or women may not feel comfortable expressing that interest, let alone suggestions about what to do with this information. If women want to have sex, how do we get them there? Of course,  the answers to these questions are inextricably related.

Rest assured that plenty of researchers and sex educators, often women, have discussed both the causes and potential solutions. They’re written ad nauseam about how society slut-shames women, how sex education has failed us, and how we prioritize men’s pleasure over women’s to such an extent that we view women’s sexuality as lesser than men’s to the extent that we have pathologized it and normalized misogyny and rape culture.

And, you guessed it, all those things contribute to women’s inability to speak up about their desires and get what they want. Advocating for our sexuality can seem a losing battle when the sex we wind up having, the very sex that’s accepted as “normal,” is so subpar that we’d rather do literally anything else.

Of course, understanding these causes directly suggests what we need to do to improve the situation and both Emily Nagoski and Lori Brotto have written useful and timeless books that touch on ways women can improve their sex lives–from desire to orgasm. I’m talking about Come As You Are and Better Sex Through Mindfulness, respectively. Even Peggy Kleinpart’z Magnificent Sex, which is written less for the lay reader, offers more actionable advice.

But Bergner doesn’t touch on any of this. He only cherry-picks data that indicates women want more sex than they’re having or are willing to admit. While I think that’s ultimately true, it doesn’t make for a riveting book in the 2020s. It feels like I picked up a dusty relic, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it became forgotten as so many books do.

Perhaps that’s to be expected. Bergner, as both an author and journalist, doesn’t focus on sexuality–or even health. His choice of research and argument might reflect a base unfamiliarity with the topic, and this might still be true for many readers, even in 2023.

Emily Nagoski once replied to me on Twitter, saying that she and Bergner used much of the same research but came to different conclusions. I am not sure that’s entirely accurate. The two authors stopped their research at different points, which is why Bergner’s conclusion in this book is where the conversation should really begin, not end. It’s why this book didn’t knock my socks off and likely would be frustrating for anyone who wants to better understand their sexuality or that of their women partners.

Fortunately, other books have done both of those things, and there are many more options since this one hit the shelves. That leaves What Do Women Want? for those who are more interested in research that affirms women’s desire or learning about how sex research has changed through the ages, and an actual textbook (Justin Lehmiller’s Psychology of Human Sexuality comes to mind) inevitably does it better.

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I didn’t read many books about sex, so my recommendations are more general. Similarly, I didn’t watch any standout video content about sex, so I’ve focused on podcasts, instead. However, you’ll definitely find plenty of them listed below!

Read

I’m going to post my review of Erato: Flash Fiction shortly. In the meantime, you don’t want to miss this collection of skillfully written and inclusive erotic shorts.

It’s not about sex but I really loved reading My Favorite Thing Is Monsters for class and can’t wait for the second. Part of the reason the book speaks to me is the way it addresses sexism and sex work. If you like graphic novels that are literature, horror, and unique art, this is a must-read.

Another non-sex recommendation is Susan Cain’s Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. This book really got me thinking about how my brain works and how I can help–or hinder–it in the process.

Listen

I’ve been wanting to read Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex by Angela Chen for a while. In this interview on Out in the Bay, she reads excerpts from her book, offers new ways to understand sexuality, and discusses moving from science journalism to a book inspire by her own sexuality.

I’d never heard of Man Up before I came across this episode about healthy porn habits. The hosts, who are average guys and not necessarily sexperts, feminists, or super “woke,” discuss healthy ways to use porn in such an honest way.

Researcher Justin Lehmiller invited Dr. Michael Moreno on his podcast in an episode about talking to your doctor about sex. It’s such an important issue because sex impacts our physical and mental health. Yet, doctors don’t always receive a lot of sex education or may avoid these subjects. Advice like that in this podcast is important for patients to advocate for themselves.

Although it’s an older episode, Unladylike re-aired How to Free the Vibrator, a discussion with Polly from Unbound Babes. It dives into creating a feminist, friendly sex store that people aren’t ashamed to shop at or talk about. It’s something that I can sometimes–but shouldn’t–take for granted.

If you’re into learning, then you might like This Podcast Will Kill You. The topics span a broad range, so I only tune in now and then. Of course, I couldn’t resist an episode about HPV. In fact, this episode is one of the most educational and straightforward information sources I’ve ever encountered when it comes to HPV. And I’ve been diagnosed with it. Twice.

While I’m not normally into astrology, this discussion between Nicole and Danny Santos on Sluts and Scholars was an interesting listen that made me appreciate its meaning to people a bit more.

Sex educator Jennifer Litner joins Nicole on Sluts and Scholars to discuss how parents can give proper sex education, pleasure’s role in our lives, and desire discrepancies in long-term relationships.

In an honest and casual discussion, Kitty Stryker and Sunny Megatron discuss the definition of manipulation and the various forms it takes, including those that aren’t inherently negative.

If you haven’t heard about all the censorship of sex happening on social media, this American Sex episode will blow your mind.

Anyone who has wanted to try rope bondage but finds it intimidating will love this interview with Midori American Sex. She tackles the issue in such a no-nonsense way that makes it super accessible while showinga how simplicity can still be powerful and creative.

Sunny absolutely smashed it in her breakdown of the history of sex and porn censorship on the Internet. She discusses how it has been an issue for literal decades, long before SESTA/FOSTA, and how stars, creators, and websites have dealt with increasing restrictions. This episode is so ridiculously eye-opening!

Catie Osborn relates how having ADHD impacts her sex life in an episode of American sex that’s just as helpful for those with ADHD as it is their partners.. and potentially everyone else!

I’ve been looking forward to reading Dr. Ina Park’s book about the science and history of STIs since I first heard of it. Her interview with Tristan Taormino only made me want to read it more (I’m sure I’ll eventually write a review about it)!

Academic and feminist Dr. Heather Berg literally wrote the book about porn as work, and she talks all about it with Tristan Taormino.

I love when someone just pulls back the curtain to reveal fuckery that’s been going on under our noses, and that’s precisely what Kaytlin Bailey when she appeared on Sex Out Loud Radio to discuss the history of sex work. I’m looking forward to checking out more of her work!

I hadn’t heard of Richelle Frabotta before stumbling on this podcast from Miami University, but I love her take on sex education so much that I followed her on Twitter, listened to other podcasts, and am seriously considering receiving training through the Sexual Training Institute, at which she is an instructor.

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Not Always in the Mood: The New Science of Men, Sex, and Relationships
$15 from Amazon

Sex and science are my butter and bread. I think my readers know this already. Though, I have sadly fallen behind on Science of Sex posts.

Still, don’t fear! Because I’m here to talk to you about an entire book about science and sex, and one that aims to examine something that we take for granted: male sexual desire.

In Not Always in the Mood, author Sarah Hunter Murray relies on her experience as a couples’ sexual therapist to delve into the complexities of male sexual desire and bring a more nuanced look of the subject — mostly.

This is a caveat that I need to address and early on. In her work, Murray works with couples. She specifically mentions men in their 30s through 60s. While it’s a pretty wide range, these men are presumably in relationships, and she doesn’t mention men in their 20s at all. I think the title and tone of this book suggest all men, but there’s clearly a large swath of them who are left out. And while it can be reassuring to learn that, yes, men are human, too, and their desire reflects that, not explicitly stating who she talked to for this book may lead some readers astray. Men who are younger or prefer casual sex over relationships might differ from the men who Murray talked to. Namely, they may not be as invested in their partner’s emotional and physical satisfaction. If those partners think this information applies to those men, I can see them being let down.

In short? This book might better be subtitled “The New Science of Some Men, Sex, and Relationships.” I wish that were explicit.

In her book, Sarah Hunter Murray tackles common myths about men, sexuality, and desire. As the reader dives in, they’ll see that Murray’s research is qualitative and not quantitative. She crafts amalgamated stories from her past clients and sometimes uses quotes. It’s helpful to know when sentiment has been frequently expressed by her clients. For example, they want their partners to initiate sex more often or sometimes find their desire has waned for no discernible reason.

But I cannot help but wonder if it would often be even more useful to see some hard numbers along with this qualitative evidence. Murray’s research almost seems incomplete without that. Right now, Not Always in the Mood is interesting and helpful to a select group of people, but it doesn’t feel groundbreaking. It’s reassuring. It might spark some conversations. But it’s all sort of common sense.

With that said, we all know that common sense isn’t always that common. Maybe too many buy into the beliefs that men always want sex or measure masculinity by the strength of an erection. These reminders are useful. I can imagine scenarios where I would recommend this book. It’s certainly cheaper than therapy. And once people start viewing male desire with more nuance, they may spread that knowledge to others: partners, friends, even children.

Not Always In the Mood isn’t the perfect book for everyone, however. Despite a disclaimer that it can be useful to those who aren’t straight or cisgender in the beginning of the book, it’s really heternormative. I would hesitate to recommend it to anyone who isn’t straight or cis.

Furthermore, while the author mentions some sexual research, she never really uses scientific terminology, the type which I have discussed on this blog in the past, that might tie her research into existing research on sex and relationships. In several instances, it would have been worth mentioning and comprising spontaneous and responsive desire by name, yet Murray did not. The dual-control method would have fit right in, too. In fact, she did mention Emily Nagoski, whose book Come As you Are, discusses both topics. It would have been a great way to show the similarities, between men and women to hammer home the idea of men as being just as complex and human as women, but this book never reached that point. Perhaps Murray thought the concepts weren’t basic enough for her readers. Or maybe she wasn’t personally familiar with them.

I don’t feel like I am worse off for reading Not Always in the Mood, but it may not be the ideal book for me, a lover of science who has mostly casually sleep with men in their 20s. I would love to have seen some statements made that applied to men more generally, coupled up or not. Quantitative evidence would give this book an edge, too. On the other hand, maybe I just wish it had a different subtitle. For example..

Not Always in the Mood: The Truth About Men’s Desire in Relationships

Okay, so it’s a work in progress. But it’s a bit less misleading.

I know I’ve gone on about this at some length, but I think that these things matter. Had this book simply suggested it was about lessons on male desire from the POV of a couples’ therapist, I would have had different expectations.

Frankly, that angle is precisely what the reader gets, and it’s valuable. Sure, the idea that men want to be wanted, too, have hangups about their penis size or looks, or that their desire is impacted by stress might be common sense if you stop to think about it, but people don’t think about these things as much as they should. We can use another authoritative voice speaking on these things.

Sarah Hunter Murray might yet come to be that authority, but I don’t think she quite proves it in Not Always in the Mood: The New Science of Men, Sex, and Relationships. This may not prevent the book from helping some people, but it may not help as many people as it could if Murray had taken a different approach.

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Dr. Lehmiller has made the rounds discussing his survey about sexual fantasies, but his spot on NPR’s What We Do was one of the best interviews about it, no doubt in part to the skilled host.

Another NPR podcast, Planet Money, ventured into the billion-dollar sperm bank industry.

Check out this episode of Sex Out Loud featuring Tina Horn, who discusses making comics about sexual freedom (in a way that I hope isn’t a bad omen) Then, check out SFSX.

Finally, in this episode of Speaking Out Loud, the Pleasure Mechanics tackle the myth of the hymen.

2019 Wrapup

I also wanted to highlight some of the media I consumed over 2019 that have stayed with me. The best books have already been linked in my “Best of 2019” post, so this focuses on podcasts and video content.

In one of the last episodest56 of the apparently-defunct Science of Sex podcast, Joe and Dr. Zhana interviewed PhD candidate Christina Parreira who actually worked in a brothel.

Science Vs broke down whether the fertility cliff is real.

Speaking of Lehmiller, he interviewed Ari Tuckman about his book ADHD After Dark. They discuss the very real ways ADHD can play out in sex and relationships.

Outward’s episode about bi culture has stuck with me in subtle ways, even if I don’t remember any particular quotes.

Another episode from Science Vs that was an amazing and emotional listen is The Abortion Underground.

I love how Sex Ed School teaches kids about sex in realistic, age-appropriate, and fun ways. This would never fly in the US, which is so frustrating, but perhaps some educators will find these videos helpful.

Unladylike dove into the rise (and fall) of lesbian bars around the world.

I grew so much respect for Amber Heard when she was on Sluts & Scholars.

I’m so glad that I received an email about Something Positive for Positive People. Courtney tackles the issue of herpes in a way that I can only hope to emulate. I particularly recommend episode 92.

You all know how much I love learning about the science of sex, so my mind was blown when I heard Nicole Krause talk about research I’d never heard of on American Sex.

The 8-part podcast Sold In America is about selling sex is amazing.

And if you prefer visual content, Philosophy Tube’s episode about sex work was highly-regarded and for good reason!

Although not about sex, I really enjoyed the episode of Freakonomics featuring Geena Davis, who talked about Hollywood’s princess problem.

I’d also like to recommend the audiobooks of the LOTR series as narrated by Ron Inglis. They were so good!

If you click no other links, you absolutely must check out the free series Mercy Mistress on YouTube. Based on the memoirs by Mistress Yin, it’s a lovely, erotic, and more realistic take on BDSM than we’re used to.

Finally, my readers should check out the nerdiness that is this American Sex podcast with erotica writer and tabletop gamer Shanna Germain.

The post December 2019 Media Recommendations + 2019 Wrapup appeared first on of Sex and Love.

While I prefer for each entry in the Science of Sex archive to be a deeper dive into a specific topic, I’ll be taking a break from that this month. There’s simply so many articles that have recently come across my dashboard that I want to write about them. We’re always expanding our knowledge about sexuality, gender, and related topics, but this summer ushered in a flurry of news that really exemplifies this. It’s so exciting!

Let’s jump in. Note that relevant links are included in each section and not at the end of this post per usual.

The most recent of those articles is one about how genetics can explain same-sex behavior. Researchers concluded that there is no one “gay gene” but that several genes do connect with homosexual behavior. Furthermore, gay men and women (presumably cisgender) are affected by different genes. The survey has a few week spots including focusing on behavior versus attraction, but it’s fascinating nonetheless.

Another discovery that’s gotten a lot of media attention is how scientists isolated a gene that, when activated, would create sperm that resulted in male offspring. They successfully applied this to the sperm of mice to produce a higher ratio of male offspring than usual. They believe this applies to all mammals.

In a positive turn for preventing HIV transmission, one studies found that repeated exposure to semen can change vaginal tissues and actually make a ciswoman less susceptible to contracting the virus.

And in other STI news, there could be a chlamydia vaccine on the way! A study of the effect of the drugs on people has been found to be safe. This is good news for the 100+ million people who contract the STI globally each year.

A team looked into why men send dick pics, finding that men who do tend to be more narcissistic.  However, they determined that “he unsolicited dick pic phenomenon cannot be viewed solely as a sexist campaign, nor as a positive outlet for sexuality; instead, cases must be considered on an individual basis.”

After surveying over 2,000 polyamorous people, researchers discovered they were less likely to be religious and more likely to support political third parties. While poly folks were more likely to be nonbinary or bisexual and pansexual, they were not more likely to be gay or lesbian than monogamous people. Poly people were also more likely to make less than $40,000 annually. Research Justin Lehmiller states that,

While our results do not come from representative samples, they suggest that the stereotype of polyamorists as young, White, wealthy liberals doesn’t necessarily match up with reality. Indeed, compared to monogamists, polyamorists were not any younger, Whiter, wealthier, or more likely to identify with the Democratic party.

Surprisingly, women who were married multiple times have more surviving offspring than men who do found researchers after analyzing data about the community of Pimbwe in Tanzania.  This seemingly contradicts the idea that men achieve greater reproductive success by having a variety of partners.

According to his recently released book, ADHD After Darker, Dr. Ari Tuckman has found that a woman who has ADHD have sex 25% more often than when the man in a couple has ADHD due to ADHD’s correlation with sexual eagerness. This can lead to greater sexual satisfaction than when the man has ADHD and this leads to a great discrepancy in sex drive.

Finally, one last study finds that women who take hormone replacement therapy for menopause relief have an increased risk of breast cancer, even more than a decade after they cease the medication. The longer a woman is on HRT, the greater her risk for breast cancer. This is potentially concerning as estrogen and other hormones have been prescribed to help women cope with the symptoms of menopause and to enable them to continue enjoying sex. There was not a similar risk for women who were obese, however.

The post Science of Sex: What’s New In Sex Research (Summer 2019 Edition) appeared first on of Sex and Love.

Watch

You might be familiar with Dr. Mintz’s book Become Cliterate, which I reviewed. Dr. Mintz recently gave a TEDx talked about the orgasm gap based on the same research she used on her book.

Listen

The last two months have been full of amazing podcasts, some of which were new to me.

Sold in America is an eight-part series about sex work by journalist and activist Noor Tagouri. It’s incredibly provocative and powerful.

On a related note is the recent Sex Out Loud episode featuring Audacia Ray. Tristan talks to Audacia about the movement to decriminalize sex work.

An email came across my screen about Something Positive for Positive People by Courtney Brame. Not only is he a POC, but he’s tackling the stigma and stress surrounding herpes and other diagnoses. Courtney is humble and vulnerable, perhaps never more so than in the episode “You Are Necessary.”

Stuff Your Mom Never Told You’s two-part series about bisexuality hit me hard. The ladies tackle misconceptions, bisexual erasure, and the confusion that can be involved.

I’m so glad I waited to pot this until after I took my walk. The most recent American Sex episode features sex researcher Nicole Prause, and I was amazed by what I didn’t know.  We’re just getting started folks!

Read

Good Sexual Citizenship: How to Create a (Sexually) Safer World will release next month, and I received a preview copy from Cleis Press. It’s definitely left-leaning but tackles issues of consent and sex education that are sorely lacking.

I’m also waiting for a copy of A Queer History of the United States to come back around. I recently finished the original A People’s History.. by Howard Zinn who admits, ina post-script, how he overlooked queer history. This book fills in the blanks and is a bit more enjoyable to read – plus, a lot shorter!

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