Tera Patrick's Meta Jelly Heart-On Vibe
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This is an archived review of a discontinued product.

I guess I’m a size queen and this is a good thing because Tera Patrick’s Meta Jelly Heart-On Vibe is a large toy. It is definitely not for the weak at heart. Yet, even despite its monster size, I found myself wanting more: more power, more size, more quality.

Even before I had removed this toy from the package (which features, of course, Tera Patrick herself), I noticed the size. At 9″ long and with a circumference of 4 3/4″, it certainly rivals the larger of my toys. I also noticed that the vibrator wasn’t quite as pretty as it appeared in images. In pictures, it definitely shines more. The images across the web also differ in lightness, so it must be a hard colour to photograph; I found that the images of Tera Patrick’s Meta Jelly Heart-On Vibe on PinkCherry.com are a bit lighter than the toy actually is.

Once out of the package, I was immediately accosted by the strong scent of the Meta-Jelly material. It wasn’t rubbery in the slightest; rather, it smelled a bit metallic and sickeningly sweet – like Dr Pepper in a can. I know it’s a strange description, but it was a strange smell. And strong! I had it out for a bit, but the toy stunk up the whole living room, and the smell clung to my hands. Because of this, I put it away for several weeks before breaking it out again.

I was really reluctant to use a toy that smelled so horribly and I wondered how inferior this material must be. I usually do not care about the material of my sex toys a whole lot but it was impossible to ignore that this isn’t a super hygienic material. Meta-Jell is some derivative of jelly (thus porous – using a condom between partners is a must and not a bad idea in general) and a mixture of some sort of metal which gives it a slightly metallic appearance. It’s still soft like jelly and the tip of this toy has some flex to it (the jelly sleeve extends past the hard vibrator).

I finally broke this toy out, gave it 3 or 4 washings, and let it air for several days before using it. My entire bathroom smelled like Meta-Jelly for those days, albeit the scent did decrease (even if it was painstakingly slow in its decrease). But I was determined to give Tera Patrick’s Meta Jelly Heart-On Vibe at least one try so that I could give it a fair review. Although I am usually picky, I know many people would not have even given it that much time.

I was a bit anxious because I’d read a review that said this toy was simply too large. However, with a little lube, I found insertion wasn’t a big deal. Although this vibe is finished with an engorged head, the head is a bit tapered. I easily felt the raised, asymmetrical heart shapes internally, which is unusual. I usually cannot feel textures as well as I would like, so this was a nice change from the usual. However, I would not recommend fast or hard thrusting because it quickly becomes uncomfortable, even painful. Slow, luxurious thrusts are what I enjoyed best with Tera Patrick’s Meta Jelly Heart-On Vibe.

As I thrust this toy, I could not believe how much I enjoyed it! I could feel my body responding. In fact, I was wishing for something a little larger. Although full, I craved to be stretched, and Tera Patrick’s Meta Jelly Heart-On Vibe wasn’t large enough in that respect. However, I think most will be more than happy with the size of this vibrator and some will likely find it much too daunting, too.

When it came to the vibrations, I turned this up to high (this vibe has a typical dial base) and was still disappointed. I was looking forward to something that would provide more sensations than I got. I think the MetaJelly did a decent job of transmitting the vibrations, but the motor, which is powered by 2 AAs and likes to turn on/off when inserting the batteries, just didn’t have enough power for me. I found myself super turned on, but this vibe was not going to send me over the edge, so I swapped it out for my Passion Wave stimulator to get the orgasms I craved.

Altogether, I think Tera Patrick’s Meta Jelly Heart-On Vibe has helped me learn what I like but I will look for something which is similar yet higher quality. I definitely want a stronger vibrator made of a material (like silicone) which does not have such an offensive scent and, depending on texture, I could go bigger. For other size queens, this vibrator might just do the trick but I’m holding out for something just a little bit more.

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What did I do when I decided I wanted to try a glass toy, sometihng with more texture or get into more G-spot stimulation? I decided – what the hell – why not do it all. And that’s what I did when I requested to review the Double Happiness glass dildo from Tabu Toys. This small but mighty toy tackles all those new areas for me as well as one more: it’s my first dildo!

One of the reasons I had not tried a glass dildo before is the high price range. I know that they’re loved by pretty much everyone who tries them but I was wary of paying that much for something I didn’t know if I would like. I recall wondering if glass would be too hard because I have a tendency to clamp down on toys. Would it hurt? I’m glad to say that all of my fears were for naught. This double ended glass dildo by Phallix wasn’t painful in any way and the glass gave sensations different form any other toy in my collection.

At just 3/4″ in diameter, the double Happiness is not the biggest toy I’ve inserted. In fact, if you read my review of the Passion Wave, you will see that I’m a recent convert to the idea of bigger toys. But would this smaller, glass dildo do it for me? I’m happy to say “yes.” I experienced no negatives due to the size of this toy, proving once and for all that size isn’t everything.

What this toy is lacking in size it more than makes up for in texture. This dildo has a slight curve and each end is shaped with a head. One end is “wrapped” to create ridges while the other end contains more than a dozen pleasure causing bumps. These textures rise from the shaft about 1/4′ of an inch and do provide a slightly larger girth. This is also where the 24 Karat gold is contained. I must admit, images of this toy online make it seem like the wrapped end has a thin but clear strip of gold within the spiral wrapping. However, in person it would be nearly impossible to tell this glass dildo has 24 Karat gold in it. The “fuming” process which Phallix use does not make it appear as though gold is physically within the glass; however, there is a slight shimmer in the pink bumps and ridges when looking at the toy in the right light and from the right angle.

Although labeled as a double dildo, I find the 7″ shaft is much too small for partner play. The curve is also not enough that you would be able to stimulate the clitoris at the same time as the G-spot. Nevertheless, I was satisfied with this dildo. Its weight felt significant and the quality was high. I know this toy will be apart of my collection for many years to come.

I first used the Double Happiness in the shower. It easily slid between my pussy lips without any lube at all. It makes sense that glass would glide much easier than silicone and plastic toys but I was still surprised at the ease of penetration. I was relieved not to have to worry about functions and speed and waterproof capabilities for once. There was no pain, only a perfectly shaped dildo between my legs.

I experimented with this glass dildo and quickly came to the realization that I much preferred the bumps over the ridges (perhaps if they were spaced further apart). The texture of this dildo made thrusts that much powerful. Where, before, I was relying on fast and hard thrusts to find pleasure, the defined texture of this toy provided as much sensation with smaller, softer strokes. I could easily feel the little bumps moving against my G-spot and it wasn’t long before I was feeling pleasure much more satisfying than the ‘stimulation’ I’d felt previously from other G-spot toys.

I finished up my shower satisfied but without cumming. I cleaned off the dildo – which was extremely easy to do with the glass – and slipped it into its provided pink satin cinch sac. I love the sac because I know my toy will be easy to find and storage safely. I could do with the white lace trim which does remind me of something a grandmother might wear.

Another day eventually came and I tried this fresh out of the shower, in bed. I applied just a bit of lube and, again, the Double Happiness dildo slid easily into my pussy. Almost immediately, I was feeling pleasure from the ridges and it seemed to press against my G-spot perfectly. Again, I did not orgasm but I really enjoyed the sensations of this toy. I had no idea texture could do so much and the hard glass really helps define the bumps and ridges.

If I have any complaints about this toy, it is the packaging. The plastic clam shell packaging is very bland. In fact, the toy name is not on it. I suspect this is because Phallix uses the same packaging for several of its glass dildos. To me, doing this (and using plastic clam shells to begin with) doesn’t give the right impression. Phallix could easily afford to take measures which say “We are a company making high end toys.”

Overall, I was surprised at just how much pleasure this curved dildo brought. The combination of glass and texture felt divine and while I have yet to orgasm from this toy, I am not giving up hope for the future!

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