I am an anxious person. I am less so than I was during my divorce. In fact, I may be the least anxious I’ve ever been in 2013, save for a period in 2010 when I may have just been in denial. Thus, I tend to overthink things. I analyze them, and I have a hard time putting things on the back burner. I don’t even think that I have a back burner, in fact. I have to deal with everything right now. Of course, things that can’t be dealt with until the future drive me crazy.

I’m going a little bit crazy in this odd sort of purgatory space that I seem to be operating in with the bartender. I know that I like him and he likes me. He’s said that he won’t do anything with anyone else as long as we are having sex, which we are. The same is true for me; although, I haven’t said as much. One could assume that about me pretty easily, however.

But nothing’s official, and I’m not even sure what’s in movement. I’m just not much of a go-with-the-flow sort of person. I like to control things, and I know he wants to move slowly, but the purgatory is weird. This is especially true because we don’t see each other quite as much as I’d like, but I don’t think it’s possible, given out current schedules and transportation issues, for us to see is more. I’d be happier in this position if I saw him two or three times a week or knew exactly when I’d see him next.

So the fact that he’s been a little quiet has me getting a little nervous. He tends to pull away when he’s stressed, and he’s doing this now. I know that giving him space is the best course of action, but it’s difficult for me to do so. In the interim, my mind races circles, wondering if his stress has anything to do with me or if he’s lying because I’ve done something and he’s pulling away.

I don’t necessarily think that any of these things are true but I worry that they could be because I am a nervous Nellie like that. And I’m more than a little cautious after he stopped talking to me for no good reason for several weeks. So I may be a bit worried that he will repeat or that he’s cooled off since then or that the suggestion that eventually I will want to label what we’re doing has scared him off, and maybe none of those thoughts have any merit

But what if they do?

**Pat Benatar because she’s awesome. I will punch you in the throat if you disagree.

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I’m not going to tell you how much I want it, you. I’m not going to lay it out on the table, but we’ll both know it’s there anyway. It might be plain as day that even thinking of your name sends me to an insatiable state, but I know you know anyway.

We’ll just ignore the fact that I’m masturbating for you again, that the thought of you is only ever a heartbeat away. Tonight’s topic of discussion isn’t going to be how you send me over the edge every day without even knowing it.

You don’t need to hear the words coming out of my lips, nor is it necessary for you to see the words on your screen. Save your flattery and your compliments. I don’t care if you can’t forget about me. I can’t think about you thinking about me because, then, I’ll never get your out of my head.

Because, for just a little bit, I need to maintain my power, my dignity, my stance. I need to pretend that I don’t know that you already know. And as we’re pretending that we don’t know what’s coming, it will be electrifying when it finally comes.

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I don’t get the typical male response, the fear of commitment that makes them decide they’re not good enough for you, that they know what’s best. And I don’t understand why he is trying to push me away at all when everything he wants is literally within reach. When the best thing he’s ever had is right there waiting for him. How does he not see that this is the stupidest mistake he’s ever made?

I don’t know why I’m so caught up on him or why him doing this makes me want him even more. I don’t know when I fell this hard, and I certainly didn’t see it coming.

I don’t know this. I don’t understand anything. Nothing makes sense, and it all hurts so very much.

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The problem is, I need to either do or don’t with the bartender, which is what I shall call the friend from this post. I want there it to be do — sexually and emotionally. At some point, I became ready to commit to him without realizing it. I literally woke up one day not wanting to wait any longer, but he wants to take things slowly. This is incredibly flattering because he doesn’t take things slowly. He wants to explore and see. I think he wants to play it safe to prevent hurting me. I respect this. It’s touching. It’s just not getting me sex or cuddles in nearly the quantity that I’d like.

In the meantime, I’m trying not to be clingy because I can feel myself moving in that direction, and I’m almost regretful that so many other opportunities seemed to have present themselves. Surely some of those nice and interesting guys would volunteer for cuddles and sex at my request. It’s not that I don’t like him or even like him enough, but I definitely know he’s a risk and these “safe” prospects make me doubt myself.

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