I guess I hadn’t realized that the act itself was something I was able to enjoy, for the most part, because I do love my husband. As much as I enjoy sex in and of itself, I would not be able to enjoy it with a person whom I did not trust. I would not enjoy it were I not comfortable with my partner. It would not be satisfying if I doubted that person’s intentions or if I were worried about my safety. While not all of these things require a loving or romantic relationship, they do go well together and it does make me feel a greater connection between sex and love.

I am not entirely sure if my husband realizes that there is a connection at all. After all, our relationship started off on a sexual foot and while that is not entirely bad (previously, I had not known how to add sexuality to my relationships so getting it out of the way at the first has its benefits), I do think it left an inaccurate impression. To put it bluntly, I think my husband thinks of me as more promiscuous than I am (not that promiscuity if bad, just that I am not really). He does not realize how large a role that he, specifically, plays in my ability to be sexual. He views himself or any potential partner of mine as replaceable and I think there is at least some hard feelings because of it. It saddens me.

I suppose, if it weren’t him, it would have been someone else.. eventually but I think that eventually would have taken a few more years at the very least. I didn’t have any plan about losing my virginity. I wasn’t ready to give it away in middle school nor was I waiting for some biblically appropriate moment. The time simply felt right with him so I had sex for the first time with someone I cared for a great deal and, overall, it was a positive experience which has led to more positive sexual experiences.

But I do wish I had come to realize how intertwined the two can be for me earlier so that I could share it with him.

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