Am I even alive?
Fuck me hard. Fuck me fast. Fuck me slow. Fuck me sweet. Fuck me silly.
Fuck me on the bed. Fuck me on the floor. Fuck me against the chair. Fuck me outside. Fuck me in public.
Just fuck me.
I know that I shouldn’t respond this way but when someone talks about her boyfriend, her fiance, her husband, her partner, and all she has to say is that he’s a good guy, I expect a “but.”
Because being a good person is good. I mean, the word “good” is directly there. However, it just sounds so.. lackluster. Like they’re talking about a piece of furniture and not the person that they are committed to in a long-term relationship.
I want to hear about how a person feels and what that person means to them. Is he good to you? Does he make your heart pitter-patter? Is the sex amazing? I am logical in every other avenue of life, but I just can’t be when it comes to love.
There is a logical part of me that understands contentment and reliability, but I don’t think that I could ever personally settle for that.
Perhaps it is all semantics. Perhaps these people are more reserved than I tend to be when describing how someone makes me feel. It could just be that they aren’t used to talking about themselves or perhaps they don’t want to bore me with the details, but I like details. I like specifics, and I don’t enjoy vagueness or put-on “mystetery”.
Maybe I want to hear a person’s smile in their voice when they tell me about their partner and all about how happy they are. I have no poker face. What you see is what you get, and my heart is on my sleeve. I don’t understand people who don’t operate like that. Nor do I think that I would ever want to. Because it makes people happy when I am happy and sad when I am sad and, yes, maybe a little annoyed when I am over-the-top in love. But there’s never any doubt that the person I love is more than a good guy — he’s the best I could want!
Maybe it’s weird, but I am just not that attracted to people as an adult. I remember being a teenager. I had a different crush every week, it seemed. In middle school, I liked so many people. I don’t even think I could name them. I often thought people were attractive even if I didn’t like their personality. It’s just how it went.
In high school, I suppose that slowed down but only because I was talking to more people online. I noticed attractive people less in person as I focused on the personalities I got to know through chat, IM, email and phone calls.
Even as I watch movies or porn, all of which are full of people that are generally considered to be universally attractive, I find myself looking for people who are attractive to me.. and not finding them. I can even hop on to live sex cams sites like LiveX.com and shrug, unimpressed at what others would find as beautiful cam models. I can literally look at all the porn on Tumblr — and there is a plethora of it — and nitpick every single photo that I come across. I have to remind myself not to do this. It’s just plain rude. (On the other hand, clean your damned room before you take those selfies).
This makes online dating a bit hard. I can scan through dozens of photos and be relatively unimpressed with any of them. When you consider the general lack of effort that most people put into their profiles, you understand how this is frustrating for me. I guess I look at one of two things: do their profiles make me smile or do their photos make me drool? Typically, neither proves true.
This leaves me feeling a little shallow. In fact, my friends haven’t been slow at all to call me such. Do I just have ridiculously high standards when it comes to people? to bodies? to makeup? to presentation? If this is the case, how can I possibly expect to find someone when I wouldn’t meet my own standards?
I guess I am not sure what I am looking for. I’ll know it when I see it, right? It’s not so much something that’s only in the visual. It’s a big picture thing. It’s in the ambiance and the facial expression. And as I’ve found out, I can be wildly attracted to someone who doesn’t display most of the physical traits that I find attractive, and it can take me years to discover this.
Sleepiness and a fever have made this post ramble more than I intended. I shall end here and perhaps return at a later date with more clarity.
I love fucking you.
I love thinking about the times we’ve fucked.
I love talking about fucking you.
I love talking about the fucking we’ve done.. and the fuck we’re going to do.
I love telling people that I’ve fucked you.
I love how fucking you leave marks on me, physically and mentally.
I love masturbating to the thought of fucking you.
…aka the post in which I use a lot of italics.
It’s not that I am ungrateful. It’s just that it’s taken me almost two months to see the 2013 top sex bloggers list. I didn’t expect to make it on this year and, to be honest, I’ve dropped quite a bit from my top place (18 last year, maybe?) but I’m glad any of you nominated me at all.
2013 has been such a very strange year for me. I have definitely posted less frequently. I spend more time on Tumblr, browsing for stuff related to sex that isn’t porn (this is not an easy task). I tried to highlight the stuff I was finding on Tumblr, but fell out of interest. Now, you’ll find my Tumblr contains a lot of stuff about current sex toy sales and lots of reblogs of feminist posts and sex toy collection photos.
While reviews and advice have become less frequent, I’ve added more personal posts. I am hesitant to do this because it just feels like everyone else is as a different point in there life. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I feel like someone who’s had a sex blog for 5 years shouldn’t be casually dating people and having sex only once every few months.
In reality, 2013 has been a huge year for me personally. I had sex since the first time since my divorce, and I realized that I could be one of those casual sex havin’ folks. However, I didn’t want to continue that relationship in any way, so I ended it and we no longer speak. But I was struck with just how easy it was to fuck someone else. Man, that shit seems terrifying in my head. Who knew?
In the attempt to have more sex, I got back into contact with a friend with whom I hadn’t been speaking because I figured, more or less, that he’d be an easy lay. We wound up having really good sex and developing feelings. If I’m being honest, I fell in love with him. I am in love with him. But he hasn’t commitment issues and we had bad timing or something, and now we casually have sex sometimes while I try not to hope that it could be something. The sex is still amazing.
And it’s led me to think that I could be quite more submissive than I thought I was. It’s also led me to realize that I maybe want sex more than I want a relationship, and I could be okay with this arrangement for a while. Because fucking him makes me feel more like me than I have in quite some time.
Despite this, I still don’t really have a category for personal stuff. I should really make one. I’ve struggled with the identity of this blog, and I haven’t received nearly as much feedback as I’d like for this to be as satisfying as it once was. However, that could be the state of the Internet and the fact that I’m not marketing myself as a 2-bit educator or a snarky bitch. I’m just me.
But I did receive some feedback from someone that I really appreciate. She liked reading the personal posts that have become more common. She thought that was where my strength lies. So while I am going to continue write reviews, I want to expand personal posts without thinking about what it means to you. Because if it means something to me, the readers will see.
And I want to simply focus on connecting more with you guys. That’s something I talked about in my anniversary post. I just finished a round of blog commenting today. So, hello!, if that’s how you got here. I’ve tried to sign on Twitter more, to reply to emails, to be friendlier, to comment and to discover new blogs. I don’t know if it’s working or even if I know how to tell, but I feel better.
So back to blogging. I made this list:
And it’s been interesting to see the list evolve over the years. There are few sex toy reviewers on it. Perhaps that’s because our numbers dwindle every year, or maybe it’s because people are sick of reviews. The first sex toy reviewer, The Sin Doll, is in the 30s. Interesting.
There’s a lot more sex educators on the list. The same goes for things like comics and erotica writers. It’s all very interesting. I love to see how legitimate sex education and work has become, and I think this list is evidence of that.
I’m glad to be on it no matter how I may contribute.
Thank you for nominating me. Thanks to Rori for including me.
Here’s to another year!
A while back I had signed into Facebook and an image popped up in my feed. I wish I had saved it, but I didn’t. It annoyed me but I figured that I would forget about it. I didn’t.
The image said something along the lines of
Ladies, just because he makes you feel that way doesn’t mean that he’s the one.
I take issue with this for so many fucking reasons.
I do not believe in true love, but the idea of true love is based on the belief that out of 7 billion other people on this planet, one of them is right for you. Perfectly so. No one else is. This true love complements you in every way. No one else can. If there is only one, true love, then it stands to assume that only one person should be able to do and say the things that make you feel love in that special way. If other people can do that, how can anyone believe in the concept of “the one.” There obviously is more than one when that’s the case.
You cannot have it both ways. These ideas do not go hand in hand. In fact, they are mutually exclusive. If there is only one true love and you’re supposed to know it, to feel it in the pit of your stomach and the marrow of your bones, then anything that confuses you or masquerades as true love only discredits the idea.
Finally, I am offended as a woman and a feminist. It’s not just that the text assumes this oxymoron is true, it assumes that women, somehow, are not able to realize that this is a fact. It’s targeted as women giving some sort of impression that it’s not okay for us to make what other people are poor choices in relationships. Of course, the same behavior in men is perfectly acceptable. It’s the same old double standard. A man sleeps with tons of women that he meets on adult dating website UpForIt, even if those women are poor choices for whatever reason, it’s okay. Boys will be boys. But women? No, we’re not allowed to make mistakes, even if those actions are only what others consider to be mistakes.
What’s wrong with spending time with someone who makes you feel good temporarily just because you’re a woman? Can we not be adults who make our own decisions? Why is this anyone else’s business?
Not only does this assume that true love is real, it assume that this is can be our one and only goal. No thank you, silly meme creators of Tumblr and Facebook. You do not know my wants. You cannot possibly imagine the vastness that is the human experience or the complexity of emotions and desires.
I know it’s a silly thing to be so frustrated with, but the very premise just rubbed me the wrong way.
I was recently reading Epiphora’s review of the Magic Wand, in which she examines the way that Vibratex is re-packaging the old favorite and how she has come to prefer the Hitachi.. at the right time. According to her, “the secret to the Hitachi is knowing when and how to use the Hitachi.” Epiphora’s review includes a list of when to use the Hitachi over other sex toys. The first four items on the list describe my masturbation style. Every. single. time.
Honestly, it wouldn’t occur to me that people masturbate in another way. I know they do. I’ve read the reviews. I just don’t get it. For me, masturbation is almost utilitarian. I do it to get off, not necessarily to feel good. It’s not that those two things are mutually exclusive but, for me, they’re not mutually inclusive.
I masturbate to get off. The sooner the better. If the orgasm doesn’t come easily, I’m almost frustrated by it. When it does come, I typically keep going to see how many I can get. I stop when I get bored.
Certainly, it might be more fun to reach for a Vixen dildo. But If I’m going to use a toy at all, it’s frequently a clitoral stimulator like Siri or Layaspot. I really have to put a lot of thought into a masturbation session if I’m going to use an insertable. This is why it takes so long for me to get around to reviews.
Now that it’s freezing — haha, no it’s not. It’s -8 — and the very idea of taking off my clothes and climbing into my frigid bed to masturbate? I don’t think so. We’re experiencing an especially cold winter, though. I don’t normally stop masturbating for six months out of the year.
But even when I have the option, I’ll probably opp to rub myself through my panties and pants. I don’t want to have to break out the lube or wash anything after. It’s about pressure not precision. I could certainly use something to apply that pressure — the Revel Body actually works better to get me off when it’s not even on because of this — but I usually don’t.
Perhaps if I kept more toys in the living room, within reach of the couch, I’ll use them more frequently. I can certainly stuff them in my hollow pillows. I could keep the Miracle Massager plugged in and ready to use at any time.
It does seem a little bit like a shame to own all these awesome sex toys and not do anything with them. And perhaps that’s why I’ve been in such a reviewing rut (and why I tend to find myself spending less time on sites like SexToys247 looking at new toys) . I truly don’t need more than one toy that does anything. I’m happy with one internal vibe, one clitoral vibe, one awesome dildo, one super-strong wand, et cetera.
Variety, it seems, is not the spice of my sex life.
Thanks for the guest post Sam!
I’ve been using vibrators for years. Small ones, large ones, silicone, glass, hard, soft, vibrating, pulsating, thrusting – anything you can think of, really. However I was quite late to the whole hitachi revolution. Are they really that much better than a standard vibrator? Yes – they’re bigger, but as most women know, bigger does not always necessarily mean better.
Originally conceived as a ‘sports massager’, a savvy few women soon started to realise that the powerful pulsations of the hitachi wand would make for a perfect vibrator.
There are plenty of wand reviews online, however for me the orgasm given from a hitchi is a largely different sensation than other vibrator orgasms I am used to – the size of the vibrating surface means that the pulsations tend to be slower and deeper, resulting in a ‘wave-like’ orgasm, something quite different to the short, sharp, intense climax that can often by given using other, smaller toys with a more concentrated vibrations.
I found climax easy to achieve using this toy and the wide service can give both a clitoral and opening orgasm – though remember, this is not a toy to be inserted!
Another additional benefit of a hitachi wand is that comparatively to many other toys, they are very quiet (again being larger, the buzz is much softer). However – this brings me on to me one and only is of the wand – they are very large and can be quite bulky – it’s not a toy that works especially well, from my experience, for couple’s fun. Varying positions can be difficult to achieve due to the size and of course – it can look incredibly intimidating to whip out for your partner!
Overall – a wand is an excellent addition to any girls sex toy ammunition, perfect enjoyed alone ;).
I never say “I love you” first. I always say it in reply to someone else. This is probably for a couple reasons.
I fight falling in love. I fall too quickly, so the logical part of my argues with myself. “This can’t be love.” Eventually, it tuns to “Well, it’s not going away. Maybe this is love.” Eventually I resign myself to the fact that I am in love. “Fuck. It’s love. Now what?”
There’s also a safety in being the second person to say those three “little” words. I’ll let you bare yourself first, thank-you-very-much. Because waiting for someone else gives me time to figure myself out. It also means I don’t have to be vulnerable first. While I want someone with whom I can be vulnerable, I’m ultimately more afraid of rejection. If I let you go first, it’s okay to say “I love you.”
This all ties into the fact that I come off as reserved when it comes to things that I love. Music, movies, TV, games.. it’s all the same. You wouldn’t know that I am OMG obsessed with something unless you know me really well. I keep my cool. I keep my cool because it helps me retain control or, perhaps, the illusion of control. Because I can’t control anything else, only the way that I react. So I’m not going to throw myself at someone. At least, I’m going to try my very best not to. And when I find that control slipping, I feel angry at myself. So if I’m going to lose control and have a frivolous, emotional outburst such as “I love you”.. it really has to be a safe place.
This is partly due to the fact that I have expressed love — of people and things and ideas — and I’ve been made of for it. I’ve received flack from people whom I loved, from the very people who I expected that I wouldn’t have to be reserved around. Nothing hurts quite like the hurt from the person to whom you said “I do.” And maybe it’s not necessarily healthy or helpful to keep my cool, to hide parts of me. When I say it like that, it’s obvious that it’s all some sort of defense mechanism.
Even now, I think I owe the bartender an announcement of “I love you,” but I can’t quite put my finger on “Why?” and I certainly haven’t figured out the “How?” It all seems so sudden, so abrasive when I have to say it first.