You First

November 21st, 2013

I never say “I love you” first. I always say it in reply to someone else. This is probably for a couple reasons.

I fight falling in love. I fall too quickly, so the logical part of my argues with myself. “This can’t be love.” Eventually, it tuns to “Well, it’s not going away. Maybe this is love.” Eventually I resign myself to the fact that I am in love. “Fuck. It’s love. Now what?”

There’s also a safety in being the second person to say those three “little” words. I’ll let you bare yourself first, thank-you-very-much. Because waiting for someone else gives me time to figure myself out. It also means I don’t have to be vulnerable first. While I want someone with whom I can be vulnerable, I’m ultimately more afraid of rejection. If I let you go first, it’s okay to say “I love you.”

This all ties into the fact that I come off as reserved when it comes to things that I love. Music, movies, TV, games.. it’s all the same. You wouldn’t know that I am OMG obsessed with something unless you know me really well. I keep my cool. I keep my cool because it helps me retain control or, perhaps, the illusion of control. Because I can’t control anything else, only the way that I react. So I’m not going to throw myself at someone. At least, I’m going to try my very best not to. And when I find that control slipping, I feel angry at myself. So if I’m going to lose control and have a frivolous, emotional outburst such as “I love you”.. it really has to be a safe place.

This is partly due to the fact that I have expressed love — of people and things and ideas — and I’ve been made of for it. I’ve received flack from people whom I loved, from the very people who I expected that I wouldn’t have to be reserved around. Nothing hurts quite like the hurt from the person to whom you said “I do.” And maybe it’s not necessarily healthy or helpful to keep my cool, to hide parts of me. When I say it like that, it’s obvious that it’s all some sort of defense mechanism.

Even now, I think I owe the bartender an announcement of “I love you,” but I can’t quite put my finger on “Why?” and I certainly haven’t figured out the “How?” It all seems so sudden, so abrasive when I have to say it first.

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Happy Birth Control Day!

November 13th, 2013

I can dig this advertising/label gimmick on Sir Richard’s Condoms.

a

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Sex Is Like Blogging

November 8th, 2013

I’ve been running away with the analogies today, so what better time to write the post that I’ve been mulling over in my mind?

Sex is like blogging or, rather, blogging is like sex.

I mean, I guess I’ve been blogging for longer than I’ve been having sex. Now, isn’t that kinda weird to say?

Back onto the topic at hand.

I’ve discussed with many people before how sex becomes more of a “necessity” the more you have it. This is true for me. When I have sex frequently, I want more sex more frequently. When it’s been a while, desire dies down a bit. I almost have to psych myself up to get back into the mood. Often, I do this and think “What have I been waiting for?”

Blogging is much the same. When I don’t blog for a while, I get bogged down with the idea that I “owe” my readers a blog post. I should get on it, so on and so forth. However, the longer I wait, the less likely I am to open up WordPress in my browser. Timely posts become too late to be important, or drafts sit in my dashboard for weeks or even months as a time.

It takes quite some convincing by the time I add a new post, and it’s usually because I feel as though an arbitrary amount of time has passed. However, when I blog and get into a groove, I can write three or four posts right away. The inspiration flows, and I don’t want to stop.

But when I’m going through those slow periods, I don’t remember this. I don’t have the passion or yearning.

Of course, blogging isn’t quite the same as sex. Sex falls into the category of necessity for me. Sex, when done right, fulfills needs that I didn’t even know that I had. Sex can even solve my biggest problem: my anxiety. Blogging doesn’t quite fulfill me that way. It’s a hobby that has perks, so it’s less likely that I’m going to stress out over my lack of activity in it.

So let’s extend this analogy a bit:

  • When you’re really into sex or blogging, the result will be better for everyone involved.
  • Sex is like blogging in that watchers make it more fun, and that it’s better to have fun, laughing content rather than serious.
  • You get more out of it when you get something into it.
  • Sometimes it’s easier to be vulnerable when blogging or having sex than it is during everyday conversation.
  • There’s always more to both worlds than you realize initially.
  • Anonymous sex and blogging can both be hot.
  • Hell, you can make money from both.. and companies use both sex and blogging to sell products.

So, for you, how is sex like blogging?

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The Post In Which I Have BV

October 29th, 2013

Last week, I called Family Planning because I am just so sick of bleeding all the time. You see, I’ve been having issues since April, and maybe I’m some sort of terrible person for not dealing with it, but I felt pretty confident that the NP would simply say it was a side effect of my Mirena.. even if I went six years without such problems before.

Color me surprised when she sounded just as confused as I was. I explained how I’d get my period every 30 days pretty much like clockwork. Then, my period would seemingly end. I’d be happy to stop using tampons and such. After a few days or a week, I’d start spotting for another week or so. This has happened consistently for months. I figured it might be my body adjusting — slowly — to the new IUD or Plan B, so I gave it time to even out. Last month, it stopped. I thought I was home free!! It was a lie. The “second period” spotting came back again, and I was just fucking done with it, so I made a call.

I supplied all the extra information, too. My period was heavier, especially when I first got my IUD, than it had been in some time. I had also taken Plan B toward the beginning of the year, which resulted in two periods, so it seemed like this could be some residual side effect. I’d taken many pregnancy tests since April, when I’d started sleeping with the bartender, and all were negative.

Like I said, the NP had no idea. She thought that it could be due to an infection: yeast, BV or chlamydia. Perhaps my monthly cycle is making it flare up more, I thought. At least all of those issues can be knocked out with a round of antibiotics. So she scheduled me for an appointment the next day.

I went in for an exam and things looked okay, maybe BV. The NP looked under the microscope and confirmed it. She sent me home with a week’s worth of antibiotics, warning that my tongue might become furred — whatever that means — and instructions not to have sex or drink. I literally said “You’re killing me, smalls.”

I’ll take my last pill here shortly. Fortunately, I’ve had none of the side effects. Unfortunately, I’ve had no sex and no opportunity for it. I can only assume this round will clear up the infection that the NP found, but I had no other symptoms to begin with. Whether this will help the spotting that lasts for a whole freakin’ week every month is anyone’s guess.

I guess, though, it’s something to add to my done-it list. Now I’ve had an infection. Woo. Also, I got a pamphlet that tried to be ethnically diverse.

5 Comments


Crisis

October 9th, 2013

I am having a blog identity crisis.

Halp.

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Things I Hope to Explore Sexually

September 29th, 2013

AKA part of my sexual bucket list (but not everything).

Threesomes

I always figured that my ex-husband and I would get to some point where we were comfortable to invite other people into our bedrooms, sexually at first and the, perhaps, emotionally. That was obviously a pipe dream with him, but now that I’m not longer married to him, it could become a reality. Not only is the feminine form incredibly alluring, I’m a self person who wants to experience vaginal and clitoral stimulation simultaneously in a way that only two people are going to be able to satisfy.

Exibitionism

Show and Tell

Now, I’m not so bold that you’ll see me on a cam site like PerfectCam (bless the thousands of souls who do that have confidence!) but I do like performing for people — visually and vocally. It’s why I enjoy phone sex, and it’s why I spend so much time pleasuring myself for others to watch. In the same vein, I enjoy watching and hearing. The fact that I don’t necessarily mind having sex while others are nearby or I could get caught is somewhat related.

(Me in) Bondage

Part of me could never really let go with my ex. I wasn’t able to submit in any reason because I didn’t trust him to. The thing is, I need to do that. I have to be able to let go sometimes. Sex already helps a lot because it’s one of the few activities where I stop counting, worrying and comparing. I just enjoy. Even activities like video games and reading don’t offer the same kind of relaxation. But when I’m in a situation where I am not in control and I’m safe? I am free to just be. So happy that  I could cry, and sometimes I will.

And Serious Impact Play

I’ve got a whole closet of things that I’ve never gotten to use. It’s such a bummer. I guess I just want to get my money’s worth, no matter who’s on the receiving end. A little pain and blood isn’t much when it comes to a lot of pleasure, is it?

Sex.. Everywhere

My sexual repertoire has mostly taken place in a bed, in my own bed. Now, I love my bed. It’s a great place for my under the bed restraints, after all. I want sex in public places, mere feet away from other people, in cars, on cars, outside, on a boat. All the places where I might be with someone who can’t keep their hands off of me.

I suppose it could be wishful thinking, but I really do see myself being able to do most of these things with the bartender. That’s one of the reasons why he’s so appealing. Even if he’s not involved, I’m certainly grateful for the second chance that I seem to have received.

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Bondage Bear

September 29th, 2013

Okay, Sulley isn’t a bear per se, but I like the alliteration. I took this picture as a fun way to show the bartender that I’d set up my under the bed restraints, one of the first things I ever received to review. I liked them but had no reason to set them up when I wasn’t having sex.

This is the result.

bondage bear

Of course, it piqued his interest. And I decided to develop the series. Not only is it hilarious and oh-so-me, but it’s a good way to show him what I have!

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Learning Along the Way

August 28th, 2013

One of the things that I have learned about since starting this blog is sex positivity. I make active strides not to slut shame and to help people enjoy their sex lives. I make a point to become more understanding, more accepting and less judgmental. So, the idea of things such as casual sex and the various sex therapies that exist.  Sex surrogacy, for example, was one thing that was alien to me. I don’t have any personal experience with it, but it was difficult for me to understand the process at first. I imagine this is so with other people.

Orgasmic meditation, like the kind they teach about and practice at OneTaste, is another of those practices. I’m definitely less familiar with this concept, but it’s amazing how much you realize you don’t know once you open up your mind. Blogging about sex toys and relationships and exploring my own sexuality has made that possible for me, and I hope that my vocalizations on the subject can bring the same “enlightenment” to other people.

And, you know, it’s interesting when I discover a new concept and I’m open to it or I realize that I’ve been open to something the whole time. I’m certainly learning as much about myself.

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See You Next Week!

July 4th, 2013

Tomorrow starts a 3-hour trek to CONvergence. I’ll be on Twitter if you need me. Please don’t need me.

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Dressed to a “T”

June 30th, 2013

A transgender woman has to go through a great deal of struggle and strife before she attains the ideal image for her body. All she wants is to feel comfortable in her body, which is rather difficult when you’ve been given a clunky male figure and hormones. With hormone therapy, surgery, and vocal training, one can truly become secure in their femininity. While these factors may seem like the worst part, they don’t take account of another pastime many of us take for granted. Shopping for clothes is something that comes easily to women who are a size “2” and who’ve probably never had an issue with their weight. However, for the vast majority of women, finding something that is comfortably flattering can often seem like a battle in futility. Every woman comes in a unique size and shape, and unfortunately, designers tend to make their best clothing for smaller frames that fit within the ideal image perpetuated by the media. To help the process for transgender women, some designers have actually begun to design pieces especially for a naturally male frame. Of course, the idea is to minimize masculine features while playing up feminine ones, which is a skill that cross-dressers have down to a science. Someone who cross dresses but is not transgender will find crossdresser clothes shopping at GlamourBoutique.com to be very exhilarating. Of course, it’s also an ideal shop for transgender women as well, but it’s important to note the difference between someone who feels they are a woman inherently, and a man who just likes putting on a costume.

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