Love, Yourself

November 19th, 2014

They say you have to love yourself before others can love you. Or maybe they say you need to love yourself first, before you can love another. And no doubt that a love shared between people who love and respect themselves with be a truer and more respectful love, but they don’t tell you how people will love you anyway. And you’ll love others, too. It will be messier because you’re so far from self-actualization, but this won’t make it any less powerful.

And you won’t be able to let people truly love you as long as you don’t believe you’re deserving of it. Sometimes, they’ll walk away. But some people, people like myself, with love you all the harder because of it, because of the potential we see in you, the light of hope in your eyes.

People will get hurt. It’s inevitable. Even people who know they’re hoping against hope in a reality that just can’t cater to them. Even when no one wants to get hurt. Even when, at the end of the day, there could be love between people. People get hurts.

I guess that’s life. I suppose it’s easier to sing along with that lesson as an Alanis song than to learn it yourself, especially when it takes so many times for that lesson to really sink it. i’m not entirely sure why that is. Perhaps it’s just hard to be a realistic when you have the heart of an optimist. Maybe I am doomed to always see the best in people even if, in reality, they’re more likely to hut me than to be their best.

How many more times do I ignore warning signs, I wonder, before I turn off this path?

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Categories: Dating, Everything Else, The Bartender

Two Steps Back

August 6th, 2014

I find it difficult to be the person I want to be when it comes to love. While I can be a good worker, friend, sister, daughter, advice giver and supporter, the person I am when it comes to love is less than. Less than what? Less than the person I want to be, I guess.

When I was with my ex-husband, reason and logic went out the window as we ushered in screaming, choking, door slamming, running out of the house, throwing our rings at each other as we threatened divorce fights. It got better, it did. Had we stayed together, I am sure we would have eventually gotten to a healthy place. I really do believe that. But in the middle of things, the intensity of the emotion I felt overtook the reasonable part of me.

I like to think that I’ve progressed since my divorce. Even my interactions with my friends are better. I feel less frustrated, stuck, drowning and angry as a whole. That certainly contributes or will contribute to a healthier relationship.

But I guess there is still progress to be made when it comes to not letting my feelings take me over. I don’t want to be one of those people who becomes wholly consumed by whatever relationship or feelings they’re currently experiencing. And yet I do. I hate it, but I do it.

It’s so easy to think about the person you want. And it’s okay when you know they’re thinking of you, when you talk frequently. But I find myself feeling utterly dejected when I develop feelings for someone and they don’t return them, or we can’t speak. I know how much love works like a drug. It’s an addiction — albeit, a lesser one. I realize that speaking to the bartender is akin to a hit, that it gives me a high. And a lack of communication sends me spiraling downward similarly to anyone who isn’t able to get their next hit.

I hate it. I see what’s happening. I know I should do better, but nothing I try to do or think rationally seems to combat it.

Right now? It’s kind of unbearable. I haven’t seen the bartender in 2 months. It’s the longest we’ve gone this year. While things were sweet and awesome, he’s become distant. Logically, he’s busy and flighty. Paranoid-ly, he’s avoiding me or somehow hates me. And not talking to him makes it more difficult not to see him.

Bleh.

I hate talking about this. I hate how I sound whiny. I hate how it’s the same thing every freakin’ time. I know people don’t want to hear about it and, worst of all, I recognize that this misery is because I won’t walk away. So I fully feel as though I have no right to feel any of these things.

But perhaps what is scarier is that this situation — as awkward and painful as it may sometimes be — has reawakened in me the desire to be something other than single the rest of my life. That desire is so strong that it scares me sometimes, and it feels like it directly competes with how I need to think to be happy. Because at the end of the day, there is no guarantee of love or relationships, and I cannot survive simply by convincing myself that those things are somehow achievable. This cannot be my only tenet of faith.

But boy does my heart want it to be.

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Categories: The Bartender

He’s A Good Guy

March 17th, 2014

I know that I shouldn’t respond this way but when someone talks about her boyfriend, her fiance, her husband, her partner, and all she has to say is that he’s a good guy, I expect a “but.”

Because being a good person is good. I mean, the word “good” is directly there. However, it just sounds so.. lackluster. Like they’re talking about a piece of furniture and not the person that they are committed to in a long-term relationship.

I want to hear about how a person feels and what that person means to them. Is he good to you? Does he make your heart pitter-patter? Is the sex amazing? I am logical in every other avenue of life, but I just can’t be when it comes to love.

There is a logical part of me that understands contentment and reliability, but I don’t think that I could ever personally settle for that.

Perhaps it is all semantics. Perhaps these people are more reserved than I tend to be when describing how someone makes me feel.  It could just be that they aren’t used to talking about themselves or perhaps they don’t want to bore me with the details, but I like details. I like specifics, and I don’t enjoy vagueness or put-on “mystetery”.

Maybe I want to hear a person’s smile in their voice when they tell me about their partner and all about how happy they are. I have no poker face. What you see is what you get, and my heart is on my sleeve. I don’t understand people who don’t operate like that. Nor do I think that I would ever want to. Because it makes people happy when I am happy and sad when I am sad and, yes, maybe a little annoyed when I am over-the-top in love. But there’s never any doubt that the person I love is more than a good guy — he’s the best I could want!

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Categories: Everything Else

Introspection

November 5th, 2011

I recently came across this post on STFU Conservatives. Joe and Jess had written and reblogged a few times about the “Nice Guy TM” who actually isn’t so nice but uses the label to get a pity fuck, basically. But this comic struck a nerve because, in it, I saw a little bit of myself — and the Hot Nerd — in the comic and that worried me.

Nice Guy Comic

Am I that guy? Am I the person just sitting around, waiting for the object of my affection to slowly wear down until he decides he can settle for me? This weighed heavily on me for a few days. It worried me. I don’t want to be a creep. I don’t want to be the fake Nice Guy TM.

And I’ve decided I’m not. Because, while I may hold out hope, the happiness of the Hot Nerd is as important to me as his friendship and those things will always take priority over the fact that I believe we could be really good together. While I hope more time together will bring us closer, I want it to be because it has helped him realize the same spark, not decide to live without it.

Phew, I can live with myself for another day.

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Categories: Dating

Of Babies and Age

August 3rd, 2010

I’m a member of a forum where a woman just recently posted about her pregnancy. She had decided to become pregnant, got off of birth control and they were successful very shortly afterward. I was excited for her but I also felt something I’d never felt before when someone made one of those announcements:

jealousy.

Now, people who know me well are likely to say “Who are you and what did you do with the real Adriana*?”

Because they know how vehemently I denied wanting children up until a few months ago. Even I couldn’t ever have imagined a time when I would want kids. As a close friend put it

“Because you are/were the last person anyone expected to be jealous of that.”

And it’s true. Yet here I am. Jealous.

If it’s a shock to them, you better believe that it’s a shock to me. I had no idea. It’s like one day a switch just flipped and I caught a glimpse of the type of happiness that a child could bring. I felt it in my soul. Part of it has to do with the maturing I have had to do to face the issues with my relationship. I realized why I was only thinking of myself and now that I don’t have to do that, I am really looking forward to having to think about someone else. Don’t get me wrong, I know that the reality is that parenting is hard but part of me is looking forward to do some hard work for the good of someone or something else.

The thing is, I’m only 24. I know this. And a lot of other people seem to know this because they point it out to me. You’re getting divorced? No problem! You’re young. You have lots of time to meet someone else! You want a baby, don’t have one yet! You need to get a degree, start a career, buy a house or invent a new car first.

And I appreciate the thought. I know it’s meant to make me feel better but I’m kind of impatient so it doesn’t really work. When I think about it, I know I haven’t even lived half my life, if I only live to be 50. I don’t know if it helps but it’s true.

But there’s something else going on there, too. A friend recently reminded me that I have always been “older” than my peers, in my head. I think it’s still true today. I expect people to act differently than they do because I forget, they’re only 24. They are still young. It’s no wonder they’re concerned about sports cars. Or hooking up. Or partying. Or things that just never mattered much to me because I somehow managed to skip the decade in which those things are the only things that matter. I generalize, I know. I apologize if you feel like I’m applying a stereotype to you. I just mean to say that I am the exception, not the rule. Sometimes I forget that. But when I remember it or explain it someone else, we both understand me much more.

What’s more. I kind of like feeling and thinking like this. I don’t see anything wrong with it. I’m glad I’ve avoided some mistakes others have made (although, I’m not glad about my divorce). I’m just impatiently waiting for everyone else to join me. Maybe in 10 years they will. Maybe not.

Until then, I guess I still have plenty of time to work on that baby.

*They probably are using my real name.

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Categories: Everything Else

Interview Me!

January 15th, 2009

Sienna had posted this neat little meme on her blog. She was interview by Beautiful Dreamer and I requested an interview as well. So here are her wonderful questions and my responses to them, followed by a more detailed explanation of the process.

You have some really interesting articles on sex. How do you come up with your topics, and are you currently working on another one? Well, my thought process in relation to anything pretty much goes something like this “Can I somehow use this event/subject/thoughts in one of my blogs? If so, how?” I am always looking for blog fodder and blogging is a pretty active activity for me. A few of my articles have been inspired by friends or questions asked of me. Others are simply things I have been thinking about. In the case of the sex toy materials guide, I was curious and used it as a way to become more knowledgeable myself as well as provide a comprehensive guide. I have a few articles which I have started and saved because I just wasn’t feeling them enough at the time to finish. I eventually will go back to them when the timing is right, whenever that will be.


You say you are fuelled by your emotions and ‘knee jerk reactions.’ Has there been a time when this has led to trouble? To something good? When it comes to my relationship, this tends to be consistently negative. I sometimes react before thinking and I am trying to curb that behaviour which can be destructive. I think that I can be more empathetic toward others, however.

Your site is great! When did you start learning about web design? Thanks a lot. I have had websites for nearly 10 years now. I’m still always learning something new.


How do you deal with the different aspects of your life? Your online and your real life identity? When I started this blog, I wanted to be blunt and honest but I didn’t want certain friends or my family knowing so I adopted a pen name. I strive to avoid any permanent and obvious connections between my every day identity and this one, especially because my “main” online identity is pretty established and it’s easy for anyone to find me by name.

The problem with being active in any sort of online community is that it takes time and effort and I am often struggling not to neglect each of those communities. I currently have 3 blogs, including, this one, which I update on a frequent basis (several times per week), 2 Twitter accounts (TwitterFox is a godsend!) and post in dozens of forums of different natures. It’s just a matter of prioritizing, I suppose but sometimes I realize my time isn’t balanced enough and I feel like I have to play “catch up.”

Interestingly enough, I have invited several friends, both online and off, to visit this blog and some are even active readers and commentors. However, there are simply some people who don’t need to see this.
Your reviews are great! What’s something you’re looking forward to reviewing? Why? Thank you! I currently have a few toys waiting to be reviewed which are firsts: an anal plug, frozen lube cubes, and a storage box. I also tried out my first massage candle which was a big hit. Lately I’ve been wanting to branch out from the vibrators which I typically review so I am just excited to review new things.

Make sure to post this below your answers!

Want to be part of it? Follow these instructions:
1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

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Categories: Everything Else

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

September 9th, 2008

There’s something so very satisfying, both sensually and emotionally, about lying next to someone else during night. Listening to him sleep makes my heart swell with the knowledge that he feels free to be so utterly vulnerable next to me in bed. Even more, that he wants to stay with me during the night instead of sneaking out will always bring a smile to my face. To know that not only is he comfortable but that he desires the closeness is wonderful.

And when it comes to sensuality and sexuality, it is also pleasing. When I see the profile of his face, his neck, his shoulders.. glistening slightly in the pale light, it always turns me on. To know that I could reach over and caress his wonderful skin or more and that he would more than likely respond in kind sends a tingle through my body.

I will never tire of lying next to him.

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Categories: Everything Else

Image © MisterUnlucky; used with permission.