The Void

July 17th, 2015

There’s something so sad about falling out of love with someone. When you’re simply left feeling empty, without feelings and certainly without anything else to put in that void.

Because even when your heart is breaking, you’re still in love. And there’s still a bit of excitement, a reminder that you’re alive. Even though there’s pain, there’s something else.

But getting over someone is the absence of that something, of anything. And it’s hard because you’re no longer waiting for them to come back. You don’t think you need them to live, and you’re not even sure that you would want to take them back. You’re confused, and you’re lost because you no longer have that drive. That drive that, for better or worse, gave you something to live for but also had you convinced that you couldn’t live without the very thing that was missing.

And perhaps this is all as jumbled as confused as my heart feels right now. Or maybe other people don’t feel this way as their feelings are fading away or, perhaps, becoming compartmentalized in some long-forgotten attic in their hearts.

Yes, there are positives I could take away from this situation that I’m not, but right now I think I need to feel — and respect — the emptiness, the loss of that drive, the confusion and the sadness that results from it all.

I’d almost rather feel the pain than nothing at all.

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Categories: Dating

Fetish Fantasy Nipple Clamps [Comparison]

July 8th, 2015

Magnetic Clamps, Tit Clamps and Clover Clamps
$15 - $25 from Amazon

Although I haven’t written about them before, I have tried nipple clamps. The pair I had were a generic rectangular, screw style. They were heavy enough to be noticeable, a sensation I quite like.

Unfortunately, the weight combined with a very loose screw meant they didn’t like to stay in place, and you certainly couldn’t tug on them if you wanted to — and I found that I did!

Pipedream was gracious enough to send me three styles of nipple clamps to try out, all from their Fetish Fantasy series. I figured this would give me a good idea of what I liked, and if I liked it enough, I could invest in more serious hardware down the line.

The three styles I received were magnetic nipple clamps, Japanese clover clamps and the poorly-named “tit clamps with chain.”

Fetish Fantasy Limited Edition Magnetic Nipple Clamps

These are probably my favorite clamps out of the bunch in terms of aesthetic. I really like how the hardware rings your nipple, and the gems on the sides helps them catch the light. I imagine this would be good for photography! The design might be a bit bulky or heavy for some.

Magnetic nipple clamp

Magnetic nipple clamp

The design is definitely the least painful out of the three sets I had to try. The clamp attach with magnetic crossbars through the rings that sit on either side of your nipples. You’ll need to pull them apart to place the nipple clamp on. It’s not difficult due to the strength of the magnets, but it works better with two hands. Maybe I’m just not dexterous enough.

The end at a “T” shape and you can choose to position the crossbars either flat against or perpendicular to your nipples. If your nipples are smaller, you might not be able to get a good fit with the magnetic crossbars no matter how you try to put them on. I pull mine outward to get them to stick.

I find lying the crossbar flat against my breast works best. . The pull of the magnet keeps it in place, and it’s not so strong as to really be painful.

However, it’s not so strong to really be painful. There is a bit of a pinch, but it’s probably not enough for someone who wants to feel — or cause — serious pain. I did accidentally cut my nipple by pulling them off, so there’s that. Ha!

It’s also not adjustable, which may cause a problem. They’re also not connected; although, I feel as it you could connect a chain of sorts around the rings. Be careful when you pull as the magnets aren’t the strongest thing ever – and the heavier design probably contributes to this. These could easily come off, and the magnets don’t pull strongly through the tip of a finger, for example. However, pulling the nipple clamps straight off isn’t painful, so they can be quickly removed!

Overall, these magnetic nipple clamps seem to be a bit more form than function, but I do find the sensation to be as enjoyable as the appearance. They just don’t whet the appetite of the more extreme kinksters.

Get them from Amazon here.

Fetish Fantasy Japanese Clover Clamps

This style of nipple clamp is more traditional, and many brands make them. They’re lightweight, even though they’re overall larger than the magnetic nipple clamps. You simply place your index ffingerand thumb opposite along the bottom and give a squeeze to open the pincers. Place a nipple between the padded — with what looks like silicone or plastic — pincers, and you’re good to go. It’s like using clothespins as clamps, even though the clamps look more complicated.

Japanese clover clamp

Japanese clover clamp

The pincers open up about an inch, and can even hold something as thin as a piece of paper between them, so they’ll work for a larger variety of nipples than the magnetic clamps. It’ll squeeze the nipple flat as it applies pressure. It makes most sense to place it straight down; although, you could wear them to the side.

Although lightweight, clover clamps pack quite a punch. They’ll stay in place as you tug and pull on them, allowing you to provide more stimulation. Like a clothes pin, you could wrap something like a rubber band around the group to ease up the tension.

Each of these clamps comes with a white cord, which you can pull to increase tension. To be honest, I’d prefer a chain and find the string tacky and doesn’t match the feel of the clamps themselves.

$25 from Amazon.

Fetish Fantasy Series Tit Chain Clamps

The finally set of nipple clamps I have to review has the worst name and packaging of the bunch. Pipedream needs to get on that ASAP. But the name is self-explanatory. The pair of nipple clamps is connected by a chain, and a might heavy one at that, to pull down on the nipples and add sensation.

Tit clamps with chain

Tit clamps with chain

These are the smallest of all the clamps, with two little paddle shapes that sit on either side of your nipples. You’ll wear them perpendicular to your breast, like a larger version of the clover clamps. I find you need more finger strength to use these clamps, so the clover clamps might be a better option for someone with arthritis because the clamping part itself is so similar — just a different size.

If your nipples are smaller, they’ll pretty much be enveloped by the clamps, which is what happens to me. The pincers on the clover clamps are much smaller, which means you see more nipple if that’s your thing. The pincers separate just wide enough to get my fingers between them, but not my thumb, and I don’t have meatier fingers like some people.

In terms of sensation, these seem comparable to the clover clamps, but they’d be much harder to adjust.

$25 from Amazon.

If you’re just getting into nipple clamps, the magnetic clamps are attractive and the least harsh. For more intense pain, either the clover clamps are easy to use with one hand, and you can easily adjust with a rubber band or add a chain, if you’d like. Although the chain already comes with the “tit” clamps, they seem the cheapest made and least attractive of them all; plus, they require more hand strength to use.

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Categories: BDSM, Reviews

He’s Back

July 1st, 2015

Y’know, the guy on Tindr.

Actually, he returned a day later. I was confused when he popped up again, but swiped right.

He sent a message right away — that I didn’t see — about how he deleted his account because he was nervous. He apologized, but I played it cool.

We’ve talked a lot since then. He has a lot of downtime at work, and his schedule is third shift, during which I am usually awake.

We get on pretty well, but it’s been quiet for a while. And it will be while I’m back in Minnesota for an extended weekend.

This means it’ll also be quiet here, but I hope to return with reviews and some other awesome posts. I’ve got ideas!

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Categories: Dating, Site

6 Picture Mistakes Men Make on Tinder

June 25th, 2015

Having spent a little bit of time on Tinder over these last few weeks, I’ve found myself both frustrated and befuddled about some of the photos choices that guys make. And we’re not just talking about fish; although, there are plenty of those pictures to hate, too. No, it seems like guys don’t want me to swipe right — or is it left — when they do these things.

1. All of Their Photos Are Group Photos

Guys do this a lot. It’s great that you’re not addicted to selfies. It’s awesome that you have friends.  And that you fish, hunt, like your car/truck, have climbed mountains, go to parties and have tons of hot female friends. Except none of those things helps me determine who you are when I’ve never met you every picture is of multiple men. Often, those guys all look pretty similar. So give us a single, clear picture of your face or tell us who you are at the very least.

2. Photos Only Depict Animals

I like cats and dogs. I have cats. It’s cool that you do, too. Or something even weirder. But you’e not your pet. This shouldn’t be your main photo on Tinder (but maybe you can add just one). In fact, no one should use their pets — or kids! — as their profile picture on any social network.

3. There Are No Clear Facial Shots

Unless you’re only looking for the hookup so you plan to show off only your body for privacy reasons, then we want to see your face in a recent and flattering photo. With smart phones, it’s really not all that hard.

4. All Photos Show Are At the Gym/Flexing/Pulling Up Your Shirt

A good body is great, okay. But that doesn’t need to be all we see. After all, if you wear well-fitting clothing, your physique will show through just fine. And shouldn’t you make it seem like you’re not trying that hard? Maybe?

5. The Photos Look Like Honeymoon Pictures

Tinder is obviously a hookup app. If you’re with someone and haven’t made it clear that it’s open, you’re shooting yourself in the foot. Plus, I can’t help but wonder if guys use photos with their exes as an ego boost. Like “Look how hot my ex is!” This just rubs me the wrong way, every time. So while that may be a stellar picture of you, it probably shouldn’t be your main picture,

5. There Are Repeated Photos

Tinder’s profile options seem pretty buggy to me. I tried to upload one picture today, and it deleted 2 — including my profile picture. But it doesn’t take long to double check and fix those errors.

6. There Are No Photos At all

For a micro-dating service that provides only two ways for people to learn anything about it, it’s important that you utilize the most important method — photos. I think I speak for most people when we realize you have low self-esteem if you refuse to post photos. Most people might not be attracted to you, but no one will have the chance if you don’t let them at least see you.

And while some people will tell you not to use selfies, that’s a far lesser offense than doing any of these things in my opinion. At least I know what you look like when you do that!

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Categories: Articles

Between the Shores: Erotica with Consent

June 19th, 2015

Between the Shores: Erotica with Consent
$7.99 from Amazon

Often, in erotica, consent is implied but not necessarily discussed. In poor erotica, like Fifty Shades of Grey, it’s outright abused through force. But once thing that kinksters actually know is that consent is a must. And in Between the Shores, talented authors show us that consent can be sexy, too.

This collection of erotica is therefore a little different than others. Consent may be incidental in some erotic stories, and often is when it comes to those about BDSM, but it takes front and center in this anthology, by Annabeth Leong, T. C. Mill and Alex Freeman, of twenty stories. It’s one of the offerings from The New Smut Project, a collective of people who want to publish erotica featuring “high-quality writing and nuanced, diverse characterization.” And you can’t really argue with that.

In fact, I would say the quality of Between the Shores if among the best of all the erotica I’ve read, and that says something given how many books I’ve reviewed. I am particularly reminded of Red Velvet and Absinthe, one of my favorite collections from a few years ago, which features supernatural sex and romance. I found it surprising how the theme of consent worked so well with supernatural sexuality. This is the case with “Vine” by Melissa Snowdon, which is as creative as it is sultry. In fact, it reminds me just a bit of something you might read by Neil Gaiman.

“Waiting for the Light to Change” is another story with supernatural origins, something like lycanthropy. I always find this theme extremely hot! And T.C. Mill, one of the editors, has also contributed a story in which a vampire-like alien who has made her way to Earth negotiates a way to sate her literal bloodlust with her chosen human lover. This might be my favorite of all the stories as it combines romance, consent, vampirism and kink.

Obviously, the theme of consent lends itself well to stories involving bondage. “Rolling Deep” is just one of several. But consent also allows characters to explore – and push boundaries – and sometimes not to push those boundaries at all. This means at least one of the stories in this book was a bit anti-climactic for me, even though it absolutely meets the requirements of consent.

For example, “How Can I Meet You” is a thoughtful delving into what two women will do to meet the other’s needs while having their own limits. Those limits are certainly interesting but not necessarily erotically inspiring, so I did occasionally find myself skipping ahead to the sexy parts of stories like that.

The last story I’d like to mention is one of the last in the book. In “Undercover Cops: EXPOSED” we get an interesting mix of suspense, cross-dressing, bisexuality (or perhaps just curiosity) and consent within the confines of a police mystery. Skip ahead a few stories and you’ve got a swashbuckling erotic thriller that ends this book on a high note!

It’s hard not to mention nearly every store in this book because the focus in literature and high-quality writing provides the reader with an experience that provokes the mind as much as it does the clit. If this is what we can expect from this company, it’s definitely one to keep an eye on!

Between The Shores offers such a variety of erotica literature. It’s not heteronormative in the lease.  We see entanglements between strangers, established partners and everything in between. There are threesomes, including the sexy negotiation that happens in “The Art of Improvisation,” written by Alex Freeman. There’s even a story that analyzes the ability to consent while being woken up to sex while also touching on consent and mental illness. It’s wonderfully done in a loving way. Props to Lark Green for that!

Even though not every book in this collection was exactly my book of tea, it was a nice departure from standard erotica. If you buy this as a Kindle version right now, you’ll save 50%. It’s under $4. It’s practically free!

4 Comments

Categories: Books, Reviews

My 12-Hour Tinder “Boyfriend”

June 19th, 2015

I once read an article about a woman who had a boyfriend for a weekend. She met him, he came back to her place in NYC. They had sex, watched TV, played games, went for strolls and dined at the sorts of places that we don’t really have here because we’re not New York City. Then, after the weekend, he finally returned home and they never spoke again.

It was interesting enough that I remembered it. It makes little sense to me that you can enjoy the company of a person that much and not make an effort to keep in touch, even if the chemistry of the weekend was a one-time-only deal.

But as a single, divorced person, I’ve had to come to terms with the fact the dating is, in fact, fucking weird. One of you can feel chemistry where the other doesn’t. You can get along beautiful but still something will prevent one of you from wanting to date the other. The two of you can be great on paper but just don’t have a spark in person, or you could both admittedly like each other but not know how to make the move – and the right time will pass.

It was so difficult for me to understand, when I was younger, how timing really does matter. It seems just bullshit if you believe in the one or true love or what-have-you. If you love a person, you just make it work. It’s just that easy. Except it never is that easy and timing does matter.

Case in point.

I am on Tinder, sort of. It’s the sort of resigned and detached relationship one has with online dating and hooking up when all most of one’s first dates have been terrible, nothing has panned out save for a few friendships — one with the hot nerd — and meeting people in person isn’t actually any less stressful because of one’s anxiety.

So my relationship with Tinder has been, sign on, swipe a few people. Figure no one will like me or want to deal with an urban-ish chick living in central Wisconsin without a car, leave the app and forget about it. Repeat every 1 – 2 weeks. Except this time. This time, I signed on at a different time. My options were different, and I came across a guy who I found attractive enough and who piqued my interests with his words. I liked him.

And he liked me back!

And he sent a message almost immediately. So we chatted on and off all day. There was a lot of laughter, some flirting and general fun as we discussed video games, ponies and other things. It was lighthearted, but I stayed up later than usual to talk to him.

I finally fell asleep and woke up to a message, which I replied to, making fun of him in a friendly manner. I fell back asleep, excited to see his reply in the morning.

But it didn’t come. Not only was there no reply, but he has either blocked me or deleted his account because I can’t even see him in my list. Which makes me sad. And flabbergasted. There was fun and chemistry. We talked all day. Then you up and disappear? What gives.

I’ve experienced this a few times, and this is the second time this year. I’ll find someone who’s not only good on paper but to whom I am attracted. We’ll chat and have fun. He disappears.

But there seemed to be so much undeniable chemistry with this guy, and that is quite rare for me. There was so much chemistry that my mind couldn’t help but race ahead to future possibilities. Which makes it stings all the more.

Now, I know I was getting ahead of myself, but even if that weren’t the case, the “What gives?” still stands. Perhaps he didn’t feel chemistry like I did. Maybe I said something that rubbed him the wrong way or perhaps he decided against this Tinder thing all together (he did say he’s shy). Maybe someone better came along. He might have wanted me to initiate a meeting more quickly than I did. It is a hookup app, after all. I guess I’ll never know.

But even though it’s confusing and a bit hurtful, it gives me hope that it’s not entirely impossible for me to meet someone who makes the old heart pitter-patter again.

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Categories: Dating

Best Sex Writing of the Year, Volume 1

June 14th, 2015

Best Sex Writing of the Year, Volume 1
$16.95 from Amazon

Another year, another edition of Best Sex Writing. Actually, this anthology of essays, blog posts, and personal tales doesn’t come out every year, but we’re fortunate to have a release this year. This is the first since Best Sex Writing 2013, and it’s a bit different from previous options due to a new editor, Jon Pressick.

Thus, Best Sex Writing of the Year, Volume 1 sounds like the first title in a brand-new series, but it’s actually not. So if you’ve read any of the previous Best Sex Writing books, then you know what to expect from this one. And if you haven’t, you’re in for a collection of stories and articles to entertain and inform.

There’s plenty that’s familiar with the books that are now edited by Mr. Pressick, who you might know as the brains behind Sex in Words. For instance, there is a touching piece from Joan Price, who knows how to tug at my heartstrings when discussing her deceased husband, and a piece about what exactly we should call sex toys by our own Epiphora. The former editor, Rachel K. Bussel, has even submitted a thought-provoking piece on sobriety and BDSM.

Best Sex Writing of the Year incorporates personal stories with professional studies and everything in between. Per usual, I find myself somewhat more enamored with the chapters that analyze sex and society from a scientific/research viewpoint. However, some of those personal pieces were interesting. Two such stories were those by former porn star Danny Wylde and current porn star Stoya. Wylde discusses his sex life after porn and Stoya discusses her mother’s influence on sex education, feminism and motherhood.

In another piece dedicated entirely to the industry of sex work, Laura Augustin looks at the complicated and often heart-breaking relationship that sex work and sex workers have with the world at large. Often ignored, penalized by laws and ignored by police, these people are treated as less than human and stigmatized. The article is insightful, articulate and well-researched.

There’s also a great op-ed from Alexandria Goddard, the blogger who is responsible for outting the young men of Steubenville who participated in, recorded and later posted about on social media the gang rape of a woman. Goddard was undoubtedly crucial to bringing these men to justice, and like her title says, wouldn’t change anything about what she did, even though she received a lot of flack for her actions.

There are too many stories to name individually. Jiz Lee and Mollena Williams discuss fisting and desire/submission, respectively. Tina Horn’s chapter about The Gates, a dominatrix house in Califonia, was telling and relatable, even to someone who has never been a prodomme.

In the pages of Best Sex Writing of the Year, you’ll find memoirs that make you cry, articles that enrage you and personal stories that make you chuckle and nod in understanding. Topics range from sex toys to laws to BDSM to sex work and everything in between. No corner of sexuality is left in the dark of this year’s anthology, and the collection is not only one of superb pieces by intelligent writers who love to talk about sex. Like other books in this series, and perhaps this is why I love it so much, it encourages you to talk — and think — about sex in new ways, as often as you can, and to everyone upon whom you happen.

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Categories: Books, Everything Else

Image © MisterUnlucky; used with permission.