Is TikTok Bad for Your Sex Life?

August 18th, 2023

Pardon the clickbaity title. It’s what the Internet wants, and I’m just along for the ride.

IS Tiktok bad for your sex life

A couple of months ago, I wrote an article for work that was clearly inspired by the latest TikTok trend du jour: boric acid. After looking at the videos, it was incredibly apparent that

  • A manufacturer of boric acid was sending free product to influencers.
  • They were specifically targeting Black creators–and their readers.
  • They were not checking the videos for accuracy.

Perhaps more importantly, it was obvious to me that viewers did not necessarily realize this. They saw real posts instead of ads marketing scams. I know exactly how this works. Dozens of sex toy makers have sent me toys, but I always gave honest reviews, even if it meant criticizing a product or company or discouraging sales that would have earned me commissions. I have also spent literal years studying sexuality to ensure what I say is accurate and helpful.

This isn’t the case with the influences I saw on TikTok. Viewers saw videos touting the benefits of boric acid to help you feel cleaner and smell better, disregarding the fact that boric acid is only sometimes recommended for persistent bacterial infections because it is as toxic to healthy cells as much as unhealthy ones. Used unwisely, boric acid can make you more prone to infections.

But there were no warnings or advice to seek medical advice to determine whether a problem even existed at all, let alone whether boric acid might be a solution. There was a lot of covert body shaming, which douche makers (read that how you will) have always relied on.

In short, the practice was misleading and disgusting, and no one seemed to be calling it out.

The risks don’t stop there, either.

Both the quantity and quality of BDSM content on TikTok have some kinksters worried. It’s easy to find, ignores the important aspects of communication and safety, and may even violate the viewer’s consent. You can learn how to tie rope around wrists or make restraints out of a belt but not about the importance of preventing rope from slipping or avoiding nerve damage. You can easily find fake dominants but not mentors to steer you away from red flags. And none of this content is barred from minors.

This isn’t to say that that aren’t plenty of informed and experienced folks on TikTok spreading the good word. There absolutely are! Some of these folks love being on KinkTok. But as the great Sunny Megatron points out, popularity reigns over education and quality. I’ve heard plenty of sex educators talk about their experiences. TikTok inconsistently bans sexual content, so users have to worry about that on top of trying to make the algorithm work for them.

It’s not just sex, either. It takes half an hour for teens to stumble upon self-harm content on TikTok. Nor is the potential for harm specific to TikTok or even social media. People have sustained injuries after being inspired by 50 Shades. Every site with a blog that relates even tangentially to sexuality includes information about potentially risky sexual and kinky activities, most of which is written by people with no experience (and much that is distilled down to near uselessness).

Yet TikTok, with its short videos that are viewed almost entirely on mobile devices for free without age requirements, makes this information much more accessible to anyone and everyone without leaving room for all the caveats that go with it. Plenty of safety information can be found online, and some of it even exists on TikTok. But our shortened attention spans and the algorithms make it harder to find and absorb–if we even recognize the need for more information, to begin with!

I learned pretty much everything I know about kink and BDSM from the Internet–and much of what I know about sex. I’m old school, however. I would rather read a blog post or book–and have read thousands of pages on the subject–than watch a 10-second video. My knowledge, more often than not, came from seasoned kinksters.

I probably wouldn’t say the same if I were 15 or even 10 years younger. The internet, as it stands, is the only internet many people have ever known. It didn’t have to be and maybe doesn’t have to be still. But it is. TikTok could change if it wanted to, and a notable death and lawsuit would probably cause that. But it shouldn’t have to come to that. People should just care.

In the meantime, care for yourself because no one else will. Look beyond TikTok for information that will protect your safety. Direct a hefty dose of skepticism to anyone who doesn’t mention safety, on TikTok or anywhere else. Proceed with caution. Your health, your livelihood, and your life might depend on it.

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Get Yourself My Favorite Pink Toys to Enjoy Your Best Barbie Life!

July 24th, 2023

So the Barbie movie is out, making waves and breaking records in 2023. To be frank, I am in the target demographic whose nostalgia Mattel and the studios want to capture. I just don’t care that much, maybe because it’s causing a little capitalism-fueled moral dilemma. Or maybe because I don’t need everything in my life to be pink all the time. It’s just a little much for me, you know?

There's just so much packaging!
LoveLife’s cuddle is a solid choice for a G-spot vibrator

That doesn’t mean that I don’t like some pink because I quite do! I don’t even think the ire that pink sex toys gets is entirely earned (although, manufacturers might benefit from remembering that other colors exist and not everyone with a vagina likes pink or is a woman). Nor does it mean I don’t want to take advantage of the cultural moment. After all, even SheVibe and JeJoue have Barbie-themed sales right now.

So I figure I jump on the bandwagon to reap some benefits. And what’s the best way to do that? By remaining all you readers of the pink things I do love!

The LoveLife Cuddle is one of the few toys I regret giving away. It’s a great little G-spot vibrator that’s rechargeable and made from body-safe materials. You might not be able to buy this toy for under $40 anymore, but you can save $10 if you buy it from SheVibe and use code BARBIE15.

JeJoue’s Mimi Soft didn’t frustrate me like the original Mimi, so it’s the first clitoral vibrator on this list.

My Lelo Mia is black, but you can get yourself one in a light pink that might not be aggressive as some of the items on this list. Many people will love the slanted tip of this lipstick vibrator, and the design is discreet, portable, and convenient. I could be charging mine on my laptop as I type this, thanks to its USB design.

Honestly, I didn’t love the Big Boss vibrator or dildo, but I did love the original. But because I want others to share a similar experience, I’m adding the Big Boss to this list. All of the Boss designs, including the dildo, really pushed me to my limits.

I don’t actually own pink bondage tape or care so much about brand. I think it’s pretty much the same no matter where you buy it. But you can use the same coupon as above to save on some hot pink bondage tape at SheVibe.

Where should you store these toys? The Sugar Sak is a convenient solution to that problem. It’s best for a small collection (even the XL can only hold a few toys) or perhaps traveling, especially with the antibacterial lining. Maybe others aren’t as squicked out by the ideas of ~germs~ as I am, but it’s a nice feature nontheless.

If you want to improve your sex life, then you might want to read Becoming Cliterate by Laurie Mintz–or have your significant other read it. It’s available in countless physical and digital formats, so it won’t be difficult to do that.

Becoming Cliterate

Another pink book and one that I think everyone should read is Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are. Somehow, after recommending it for years, I have yet to create a post about it, review or otherwise. Eventually, I’ll change that. In the meantime, believe me when I say it can be life changing!

Finally, I’d like to add Pink Frolic, a personal lube meant for use with toys. It works well for this due to its thicker formula (check out my review). I wish Frolic were available in more stores. You can get it from the Of Sex and Love store or pay a little more on Amazon to get free shipping (I know, I know! Amazon, ugh!.

And if you don’t love pink? Most of the items listed her are available in other colors or digitally, so you don’t have to choose pink. After all, color doesn’t matter as much as the functionality, and I just want to help my readers enjoy their sexuality a little more!

As always, let me know whether you agree or disagree in the comments. Did I forget your favorite pink toy? Or do you have thoughts about Barbie and her movie taking the world by storm? I’ll take those, too!

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The Conflict of Capitalism and Co-option of Feminism

June 7th, 2023

Thanks to Wellbutrin, my sex drive is higher than ever, which is somewhat ironic considering that I neither have a partner nor use toys as frequently as I have in the past. In fact, it’s been a long time since I’ve added a new sex toy to my collection. I used to get so excited over new companies, toys, and technology, enough so that I made a point to seek out and share these things with my readers and friends. I wanted to know what companies were new, discover how companies found ways to make bullet vibrators stand out, and see the most recent dildo designs. I often felt the pangs when I saw an exciting new sex toy knowing my budget would never enable me to buy them all. And my particular brand of anxiety inspires a fear of missing out on owning things simply for the sake of owning them.

But my relationship with shopping has changed. I’m not immune to retail therapy or window shopping, even if I’m more reserved about my purchases. It’s just difficult not to feel disenchanted with capitalism and all it entails. The expectations that we must constantly be productive and achieve a certain amount of wealth (and then appropriately display that wealth) can easily make a person feel not good enough. Perhaps more importantly, failure to do so can mean you can’t put a roof over your head or food on the table, so you’re struggling with practical concerns, all the while your self-esteem takes a hit.

The sex toy industry isn’t an exception to this, and I think the decades companies spent making toys from dangerous materials and the return to such sketchy practices in the Amazon era are proof of that. But lately, I’ve been pondering what seems, to me, to be a particularly pernicious example of capitalism in our nightstands. Over time, I became aware of all the ways women became advertising targets by those in the sexual sphere.

Pharmaceutical companies struggled to find the “female Viagra” for years because of the potential for profit. And after all that, we have a couple of medications for female sexual dysfunction that are no better than placebos and certainly fail to make a real difference in the way mindfulness or, you know, caring about and talking to your partner makes in a person’s sex life. But who wouldn’t want to try a quick-fix medication when they’re experiencing sexual difficulties, especially with the current state of sex education pretty much guaranteeing they haven’t learned about the alternatives?

It’s not just about pharmaceuticals, either. Lumping sex tech into femtech suggests new opportunities for women to live more authentically or succeed professionally. And it’s true that women have traditionally been sparse in the tech industry, so this signifies a change in the people designing products and solutions for previously-overlooked wants or needs because the men who were in charge failed to consider,.
IKa demographic that did not include them. Yet it leaves a bad taste in my mouth when I realize how we’re being sold these things as necessities and not just luxuries that might improve life. If you do not buy lube, medications, or sex toys, you have somehow failed as a sexual woman or perhaps a feminist. The idea should be ludicrous, but somehow it’s not.

Even if I understand this intellectually, it’s not like the marketing hasn’t impacted me. Boy howdy, have those marketers succeeded! I remember balking at the premise of the book Sex, Lies, and Pharmaceuticals when I first discovered it, mostly because it seemed as though the authors were suggesting that women didn’t deserve the focus of pharmaceutical companies. Did the authors hate women or feminism?! Why didn’t they want us to enjoy our sexuality? It took me literal years to really absorb the fact that it was the way this search has been handled, which represents a terrible convergence of capitalism and misogyny, that was really under fire. It’s fine when these options are available; the problem is when we’re made to feel bad about ourselves or like every issue requires a store-bought solution.

What frustrates me the most is that, as a blogger, reviewer, and writer, I have benefited–no, profited–under this system. Really, you have to play ball if you want to pay the bills. There’s no practical way for most people to shed the shackles of this capitalistic hellscape. But the system is set up so that individuals feel guilty while unscrupulous companies with CEOs worth millions of dollars remain unscathed. It’s reminiscent of how the responsibility to recycle has been foisted upon the average person, even though we stand zero chance of turning the tide and stemming climate change when companies are wreaking havoc on the environment.

Really, it’s kind of a (evil) genius move on the part of these companies. Shifting the blame to us consumers encourages us to blame others who we don’t think are doing enough and keeps up divided and ineffective. Very little changes. Someone, somewhere, realized the power of co-opting movements and tying how we feel about ourselves to our habits as consumers. It’s not entirely different from rainbow-washing, which we are currently immersed in this Pride month, or pinkwashing every October.

How do we reconcile our ideals with the world we live in? Maybe, at the end of the day, all I can do is find little ways to enjoy being alive, whether that means engaging in retail therapy or using a luxury sex toy. Maybe I need to give myself a break because. I can only do so much and I can’t achieve anything other than making myself miserable because I cannot abstain from capitalism. Instead of beating myself up, I would do better to direct my attention and energy to the causes I believe in, like helping people have more satisfying sex, no matter what that means for them (and even if it means suggesting some products to assist). Occasionally, I may even be able to step up and help those people who suffer even more under this system.

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Celebrate Masturbation Month With These Penis + Prostate Toys

May 4th, 2021

Welcome to May! There are a lot of reasons to be excited about this month:

  • It’s my birthday month
  • It’s the first month when everyone qualifies for a COVID vaccine
  • which also means it’s the first time I’ll see many loved ones for over a year
  • It’s the month in which I’ll end my first full year as a college student

Now, my readers may not necessarily be as excited about these things as I am, but there’s a reason we can all celebrate: May is Masturbation Month! While you can keep your eyes peeled for an updated list of sex toy coupons and sales to treat yourself, I wanted to offer a bit of content for the readers of my site who may not have a vagina. This demographic is often overlooked because I’m a ciswoman who enjoys vaginal and clitoral stimulation. But I appreciate all of my readers!

You may have noticed that I didn’t specifically say “men.” It’s part of my attempt to use more inclusive language on Of Sex and Love. It’s certainly a work in progress. But not every man has a penis (or prostate, testicles, etc.), and not every person with those parts is a man. Labeling sex toys “for men” or highlighting the “best male masturbators” overlooks this and can be damaging to already marginalized folks.

Tenga's Eggs are among the most popular disposable strokers

Tenga’s Eggs are among the most popular disposable strokers

So if you have a penis or prostate, this post is for you!

It’s likely that my readers are already somewhat familiar with the most common toys of this genre: toys that you put your penis in. I’m talking about masturbators. This includes the infamous Fleshlight, but it’s far from the only toy you can thrust into. Plus, the category includes strokers that you grip, and well, stroke yourself with. Tenga Eggs are a beloved one-time-use stroker, but, again, there are just so many options to choose from. You can opt for a more realistic pocket pussy or a modern sex toy that’s as sleek as it is ergonomic.

While it’s fairly common to find masturbators that let you adjust suction, newer models include stroking, pulsing, and vibrating modes. I’ve also been impressed with some of the smart toys on the market. I want to give the nod here to Kiroo, a company that sells vibrators and masturbators that can be paired together over the Internet (along with several other media sources). You can pair a masturbator and vibrator, two vibrators, or two masturbators. No other company has gotten on board with inclusivity like this yet!

I think, and often-overlooked avenue for masturbation is prostate stimulation. That is, there are also fun toys that you inside your body! Some people, especially straight, cis men, may feel as though anal play should be off-limits, but I cannot help but wonder what good it does to deny ourselves pleasure? The variety of prostate toys available now is staggering! There are contoured butt plugs, both vibrating and non, probes, and anal beads (all of which should have a flared base or handle to use safely for anal play). Prostate stimulators like those from Aneros or Nexus are designed specifically to hit that sweet spot (sometimes offering simultaneous internal and external prostate stimulation), and the rave reviews show that these choices are often a success!

Of course, there are plenty of other toys to consider, many of which aren’t advertised for masturbation or to be used if you have a penis but work just as well for that purpose. I’m talking about cock rings, nipple clamps, and vibrators (there are now some awesome attachments for wands/massagers. The sheer number of options is much higher than some people would have you believe if we encourage creativity and exploration. And I haven’t even gotten into kinkier toys such as urethral sounds!

In short, if you’ve got a penis or prostate and want to celebrate masturbation month, then nothing should stop you except, maybe, your budget (but as I said, I’ll soon be updating my sex toy coupons page!).

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10 Wallet-Friendly Alternatives to the Liberator Throw

April 30th, 2019

It’s no secret that many of us enjoy our Liberator Throws. Using them provides us with peace of mind that allows us to truly let go when having sex. While I’m one of many people who has been quick to recommend these products, it’s also no secret that a Throw is hard on the wallet. They’re a hassle to clean, a little crinkly, and the company has had dubious practices with affiliates in the past. Plus, Liberator Throws don’t really absorb the mess. It just sits on top of the blanket.

So if you’re looking for a product that’s more affordable or easier to wash or simply cannot support the company, you’ve got options! You might not need these options if your messes are small and easily taken care of with a few towels, but for those who towels aren’t good enough, keep reading.

Waterproof Blankets

THROWS OF PASSION Waterproof Pleasure Blanket
Several companies make similar blankets including this one by Throws of Passion

Several other companies make waterproof blankets, some specifically for sex and others for general purposes. Because they’re larger and designed to be prettier and more comfortable than some of the other products on this list, waterproof blankets tend to cost more than other options (this isn’t always the case!). However, you’ve got more choices when it comes to size, material (fleece, velvet, etc.) and colors. These options definitely feel the most like the Liberator Throw.

I’ll take a moment to mention the Avana Waterproof Throw, which comes in the same colors as the Throw. In fact, the description uses some of the same photos and size labels, so it could be an off-label Liberator. However, users say it’s less crinkly than a Throw. It’s a toss-up but markedly cheaper than a Throe if you like the style.

Many of these options simply popped up when I searched Amazon for a waterproof blanket. I stuck to those that had positive reviews and material, size, or color options. There are plenty more alternatives, however, if you search for a waterproof or picnic/stadium/pet blanket. Bonus: outdoor blankets often come with a carrying case of some sort.

Mattress Protectors

Mattress protectors are basically plastic that slips over your mattress, so you need to be sure to buy one that’s the same size as your mattress and deep enough, too. Some are quilted for extra softness. Mattress protectors are not my personal favorite because they don’t protect your sheets, so you’ll still have to wash those. This seems less useful for frequent sex. But you might enjoy them if you’re also looking to keep your mattress pristine from sweat, period blood, etc.

AmazonBasics offers its own version, but you can purchase them in many big-box and home goods stores.

pee pad
Puppy pee pads aren’t pretty, but they get the job done

Waterproof Pads

Waterproof pads protect a targeted area on your sheets and mattress. The smaller size is easier to wash, dry and store, and they often come in 2-packs. They’re sold as puppy pee pads, incontinence pads, and bedwetting pads for kids. You can easily buy them for less than $20 if you’re willing to sacrifice the larger size and aesthetic options.

Although the above are washable, you can purchase single-use pee pads that might be convenient if you don’t have access to a washing machine or room to transport a whole pad/blanket. You can buy a whole bunch of them for very little money.

The cheapest options might not seem as luxurious as a Throw but they may be more inconspicuous and can even come in handy if you do have children or pets.

Bonus: a latex sheet like the type you’ll find in kinky stores lies over the top of your bed. It can be kinky, although it won’t absorb any liquids. Be careful around the edges!

This post contains some affiliate links.

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It’s 2019, When Will Sex Toys Deliver on Their High-Tech Promises?

January 8th, 2019

It’s 2019. We’ve reached the age of Back to the Future and Blade Runner. But if you take a look outside, it looks nothing like those dystopian movies have promised. And while we don’t know what the sex toys of the fictional future are supposed to look like, I can’t help but wonder if it would measure up. I know that I personally am a bit disappointed at how sex toys have failed to reach their potential by now.

Why?

I’m glad you asked.

Bluetooth Isn’t Body Compatible

As long as we rely on wireless technology that radiates through the air to connect devices, using them on and in our bodies is going to present a challenge. I’ve had Bluetooth toys that barely connected before I even inserted them let alone remaining connected while inside me, and I’m not holding my phone anywhere near 10 meters away from my vagina (the Bluetooth limit for most mobile devices). It’s enough to make me balk at the idea ever again, and yet, I find myself trying smart toys in hopes they won’t frustrate me.

And remote-controlled vibrators? They’re still ridiculously inconsistent. Every time some poor Redditor asks which remote-controlled vibe is the best because they’re too naive to realize that none of them deserves the title, I feel so bad for them. I shake my head and move along. Everyone has to make their own mistakes, learn their own lessons.

I Don’t Want to Use an App When I’m Fucking Myself — Or Anyone Else

I’ve said it before and I expect to have to reiterate: I don’t want to use an app with my vibrator. I don’t want my germ-covered phone in my lube-covered hand when I’m trying to get off. I don’t want to to have to unlock my phone when it becomes inactive because I was focusing on my clit.

But even if I wasn’t a germophobe, there are plenty of times when masturbating requires two hands. So how will I use the damn toy then?

God forbid the day when the only way you can use a vibrator is to with an app. The buttons will be removed, and I will have no use for the toy other than as a projectile.

Now, if anyone else wants to use an app-controlled toy on me, I might be inclined to let them… as long as the toy is functionally pleasurable. Of course…

Innovation Doesn’t Replace the Need for Quality Vibrations

Does a vibrator have a nice shape? Does it twist or bend into place? That’s great, but don’t forget about the main function: vibration. If a toy has barely-there vibrations or vibrations high-pitched enough that dogs would object (as would I!), there’s no reason for those innovative features. Because I’ll never use it.

Another high-priced paperweight? Sigh. If I must.

Imitation Might Be Flattery, But It’s Also Frustrating

Any time a sex toy manufacturer comes up with anything even remotely innovative, a slew of other companies follow suit, often with lower-priced or inferior products. I wouldn’t expect it any other way, and competition can certainly work for consumers. But when markets become flooded with all of these duplicates, I cannot help but wait for the ties to go back down to a point when I can see anything — anything — else when I log on to my favorite retailers or step into a sex toy store.

You know what I’m talking about. Dozens of companies copied Lelo’s early designs, including various toys for men, but even Lelo has resorted to duplicating the clitoral pulsation/suction toys that were all the rage last year.

Of course, I may sound ungrateful or hopelessly picky. I realize that there are people working incredibly hard behind the scenes, that innovation isn’t easy (otherwise, it would be much more commonplace), and that technology is tricky. Yet, I struggle to think of instances of technology or innovation that has won me over. 

The most recent technological improvement in sex toys that I really enjoyed was Lelo’s oral sex simulator, and I may be in the minority there.

I know that smart toys will change the landscape of Kegel exercisers by providing valuable feedback, but I also know there’s still a lot of ground to cover. I’ve enjoyed pressure-responsive vibrators. Internal batteries have been revolutionary. Yet for every toy that provides pleasure, there are myriad underwhelming vibrators, glitching motors, defective models, and confusing designs to contend with.

When I try something that’s new and unusual, I always wind up saying something like

It’s different, but that’s certainly not a selling point in this case.

The novelty is interesting, but the followthrough is lacking. I wonder what I’ll do with a toy that fails to provide on the very premise that sold us all on it.

The bigger the promise, the harder the reality hits.

And that brings us back around to the reality of sex toy tech in 2019. It’s getting there, sure. I just wish it was moving faster than a snail’s pace.

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Why I Don’t Tell People I’m a Sex Educator (Even Though I Should)

November 16th, 2018

It’s only been this year that I have come around to calling myself a sex educator. I am late in the game compared to some of my fellow bloggers and authors, perhaps because I failed to see how this hobby could become a legitimate career for anyone. Before this, I would describe myself as a freelance writer who often, but not always, wrote about sex. While this isn’t wrong, it’s not the complete picture. I compartmentalized the work I am paid for and the words I write on this blog, despite much of it being about sex and despite that some of my working relationships originated because of this blog.

It’s 2018, I have been writing about sex, toys, and relationships in this blog for over a decade, and I have finally accepted myself as a sex educator. Yet, I am still hesitant to be upfront about what I do for work.

When people ask about my job as a writer, I usually gloss over the specifics. The reasons are twofold and while explaining how copywriting on the Internet works and reassuring people that, yes, you can get paid for that, the bigger hangup I have is that I so often write about sex. It’s not my own shame that prevents me from answering honestly; although, others sometimes respond in that manner, which I’ll touch on later.

No, it’s the response, almost always from straight men. It’s the assumption that any mention of sex, no matter how intellectual or removed from my own preferences, is viewed by these people as an invitation to pry into my personal sex life. Specifically, these men want to know if my interest in writing about sex, which must be spurred by a personal interest in sex, will lead me to sleep with them.

Then comes the question. To be fair, it’s not exactly one question. It’s simply the type of question that follows what was previously a non-sexual discussion. The question often pries into whether it’s my sexual interest that inspired me to write about sex. Of course, this is the case for me and plenty of other sex educators. I know this. You, my readers, know this. But that’s not the point.  People will take any mention of sex as an invitation to ask invasive questions or as a segue to discussing sex with them.

Let me make it clear: just because I talk about sex for my job doesn’t mean I want to talk about my personal sex life with you.

Sex coach and erotica writer Stella Harris discussed this briefly in an episode of American Sex about sexual communication. Stella, like myself, is a sex educator. Ms. Harris mentioned how disheartening it can be when these discussions happen because people may be so starved of any opportunity to discuss sex or because they “conflate the job with the person,” losing the decorum people usually abide by. I immediately knew what Ms. Harris meant when she said this about interactions with female-presenting people who are sex educators:

gives them license to be overly intimate right away

Although I would never classify myself as highly as someone who is certified as a sex coach, I have come to realize how valuable it is for as many people as possible to discuss sex in a positive and healthy way. In doing so, I have “invited” some of the same unwanted attention that Stella Harris discussed. And it’s not fun.

I write about sex and may be willing to talk about sex intellectually and hypothetically with you, but I don’t want to talk about my own sex life or my preferences. This is not an invitation for a man to fish to see if I might be willing to sleep with him and, dear god, I certainly don’t want dick pics from anyone with whom I have not already established a sexual rapport.

I do not want my personal space, safety or comfort invaded in the way that men so often do when the subject comes up. Yet they continue to fail to see how inappropriate their questions are.

While I have thus far focused on my interactions with men, I’ve noticed a different trend in some people when I reveal what I do for a living. Instead of creeping on me, they respond with coquettish giggles or hushed whispers. I realize both of these responses are due to society not discussing sex often or positively enough, in part because I was once guilty of the same behavior. Sometimes people are so starved for discussions about sex that they act giddy because it’s oh-so-naughty to do so. But there’s a place for knowing winks among friends, and it’s usually not when I am in sex-educator mode.

There’s no doubt that sex is concomitantly on display and hidden away in American culture. Those people who want to talk to sex may resort to hushed tones because they have never been taught how. And others may respond with shame because they have been taught that sex is something we don’t speak about.

That ties into how men react when they find out that I’m a sex educator. No matter the response, it’s based in the way that sex is shrouded. The response I often receive when people learn that I am a sex educator devalue the work I do because society devalues sex.

People probably don’t mean it, but because they don’t see sex as something that should be talked about, let alone something that needs to be discussed, they respond with giggles or jump straight to intimacy that is unearned. It’s not their fault if they’ve never been taught anything else.

Truthfully, this makes educating people about sex all the more important because they don’t treat the subject with the respect it deserves. They haven’t realized how significant sex can be to a satisfying life let alone a relationship. They fail to understand that an inability to discuss sex with partners leads to orgasm inequality, breeding resentment, boredom, and potentially cheating. People have yet to learn the basics of anatomy, physiology, and psychology that play very real roles in the sex they have — or don’t have. And this dearth of knowledge leads to risky sexual decisions including those that sometimes lead to sex.

The fact that some people try to change the subject or hem and haw over my job as a sex educator and others try to force themselves into my sex life when they realize that I write about sex means I need to keep talking about it. I’ve read the comments and emails from readers whose sex lives have somehow improved after reading my work, and I know there are people who have yet to stumble upon the information that will transform them and their understanding of sex, even if the information is presented by someone else.

I’ve stated that we don’t talk about sex often or correctly enough so many times that it might as well be my mantra, but it’s sadly as true today as it was when I started this blog a decade ago, and the interactions that follow after I explain to people that I am a sex educator prove it. I will continue to use myself as an example and continue to educate about sex, even if it leaves me open to inappropriate comments because I know how valuable sex education is — always will be. 

If I, and others like me, keep talking about sex, we may eventually see a world where people make smarter decisions about sex and more fully experience their sexualities and, perhaps, when someone reveals to another person that they are a sex educator, their audience will respond with, “Wow! I respect what you do.”

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