Follow my adventures in dating as a 30-something, sex-positive divorcee who likes rough sex.
Every Broken Heart Feels Like the First Time
July 3rd, 2013
I don’t even know where to start. I don’t even know if there’s a beginning. I’m caught up in the middle of it all. I’ll start with what I feel the most.
I miss you. I miss your voice. I miss your stories. I miss 3:30 in the morning phone calls. I miss you just showing up out of nowhere. I miss walks in the dog park, trips to Wal-mart. I miss you just being there. A text, a phone call, a Facebook message away.
The truth is, you’ve always meant so much to me, so much more than I ever let on. And maybe that was my fault, but when I realized that there could be something more, it suddenly all made so much sense. There wasn’t any stopping it because someone had finally tore down the damn. I was victim to the flood that followed but I didn’t care. I was enjoying the ride.
If I’m going to continue with this analogy, I guess I now feel like I am floating downriver. Somewhere along the way, you got out of the boat, but this is a two-person job. I can’t do it without a partner, and I was so ready to finally have one again. I saw in you someone I could trust, someone who I could open up to. I was ready to share the load and see where we could go together.
And now you’re gone. I’m alone. I was preparing for this journey, and I just want you back even if all we do is stand in ankle deep water trying to regain our footing. Even if we get out of this rive and climb a mountain instead. Even if all we do is send smoke signals across the distance. I need to know that you’re still there. I need to know that I mean something to you, that we did. I know that you cared. I know that you just don’t know how to care enough or in selfless ways. I know that your flaws are not my own, but it’s so easy to forget.
And part of me wonders if I don’t find it and sooner rather than later, will I ever find the path? If I couldn’t make you stick around, why would anyone? Am I not worthy enough? Am I really not a good person like I think I am? Am I so easy to walk away from? Could you ever have felt the way you said you did? Was there something more that I could do? How could you leave knowing what it would do to me? How could I let you in knowing that you would?
And perhaps most importantly, how could something feel so right if it was wrong? Why am I always wrong? Why am I attracted to the impossible? Why does it always seems like it’s just within reach but prove to be so far out of my grasp? Why does what’s available never appeal to me? Am I setting myself up for failure? How can I ever trust myself if it always seems to turn out like this?
This crippling self doubt isn’t real. I know that I feel it whenever I’m in the middle of things. I know that I will come out of the other side stronger just like I knew before I would when I let myself fall in love with you. Part of me just feels like I have no right to feel this way when I knew the risk, but I do still. And maybe I need to learn that it’s okay.
I’ll be okay. Everything will be okay. Maybe even better. I’ve been down this road before. I’ve picked up and set off on a new path. I just need to take it one step at a time along the way and right now maybe I just need to let myself feel a little. Right now I feel sad. Angry. Hurt. Frustrated. But I feel, and this means I am alive to try again another day. And I will, with or without you. But your copilot seat will be open for some time should you wish to join me again.
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State of the Union Address
June 9th, 2013
Amid my site going down for a little bit, I didn’t have much of a chance to talk about my short-live relationship, if we can even call it that. One late night, the bartender showed up. We cuddled, we talked, we had sex. It may be the best sex we’ve yet had because it felt the most intimate. During the course of the night, we talked circles around making us official, with neither one of us being bold enough to approach the topic.
So, as our bodies pressed close together and sex became imminent, I simply said that we were no longer going to be single. His acquiescence was something anyone could have seen coming. He agreed he was “mine and mine alone.” It’s a phrase he’s used several times, and it’s cute. In fact, the very verbalizing of this initiated both the strongest and most unexpected orgasm I’ve had with him. It came out of nowhere, and there wasn’t even any clitoral stimulation, so that was a pleasant surprise.
Sex progressed to the first time I was on top, and he held me so incredibly close as he came. It was physically and emotionally satisfying in a way that I haven’t experienced in years, and we cuddled for a bit before he had to leave.
Everything went downhill from there, however. I was happy for a few days, changed my relationship status and let people know about my recent status change. I didn’t hear from him for over a week then. Unfortunately, last week was my birthday, and I was looking forward to being able to celebrate with my boyfriend.
After a week of no communication and a couple nights of serious drinking, I finally called him drunk. Fortunately, he didn’t answer. Not so fortunately, I left a message. Twice. In the first, I accused him of being an asshole for not responding. In the second, I expressed remorse for our relationship being over because I thought I was in love with him.
I immediately regretted not only the calls but making them in front of everyone. As soon as I woke up the next day, I sent a text to apologize. He hadn’t yet heard the messages, so I told him to delete them. We discussed how it’s not cool that he disappears but that’s how he “deals.” I told him that, as his friend, he knows he can let me in. I wanted to help. We decided that he needs to get his shit straightened out before he can be in a relationship, and I don’t disagree. I just wish he was stable enough to be in one now, with me.
The conversation ended shortly after my promising that I would be his friend no matter what and with the suggestion that sex was still an option because we have such an enjoyable time together. It’s fun, comfortable and hot. I think of him every time I am horny. I just can’t help it.
We haven’t spoken much sense, but I feel a bit closer. I am glad that our friendship is in tact, as glad as I am sad that we’re only friends. However, I don’t necessarily feel that we can’t approach the topic again in the future.
Many people don’t understand why I am still his friend, let alone wanting more. They don’t know what I see in him, but I understand that he’s well intentioned but misguided. I can’t help but feel as though he’s so close to reaching out. We are friends, first and foremost, and I want to be there when he does. It’s no small sacrifice, but my will isn’t small.
So, now I am single but hopeful. I am experiencing less turmoil than I have for some time, but that’s for another post.
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I don’t understand
March 18th, 2013
How someone can “really like” me. How we can spend an amazing night together. How we can text constantly for months, and then how he can suddenly decide that potential drama is enough to walk away. I don’t get how he can change his mind so suddenly, as if we shared nothing at all. And I will never feel anything other than confusion about how he can so permanently remove himself from my life as if we hadn’t been friends for years.
I don’t get the typical male response, the fear of commitment that makes them decide they’re not good enough for you, that they know what’s best. And I don’t understand why he is trying to push me away at all when everything he wants is literally within reach. When the best thing he’s ever had is right there waiting for him. How does he not see that this is the stupidest mistake he’s ever made?
I don’t know why I’m so caught up on him or why him doing this makes me want him even more. I don’t know when I fell this hard, and I certainly didn’t see it coming.
I don’t know this. I don’t understand anything. Nothing makes sense, and it all hurts so very much.
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It’s Raining Men
March 11th, 2013
The number of guys who have stepped up to tell me that they do/have liked or want to fuck me is ridiculous. I’ve never felt this surrounded by men before, and it’s flattering. It’s also frustrating. Almost all of these people are those who I’d pursue romantic or sexual interactions enough to see where they go.. if everyone could somehow just wait in line. I can’t ask that of anyone, of course, but I’m worried that if I pursue one person, they will be the wrong one, and the right will slip away because I was too busy. This is a little paranoid, of course, but that’s how I roll.
The problem is, I need to either do or don’t with the bartender, which is what I shall call the friend from this post. I want there it to be do — sexually and emotionally. At some point, I became ready to commit to him without realizing it. I literally woke up one day not wanting to wait any longer, but he wants to take things slowly. This is incredibly flattering because he doesn’t take things slowly. He wants to explore and see. I think he wants to play it safe to prevent hurting me. I respect this. It’s touching. It’s just not getting me sex or cuddles in nearly the quantity that I’d like.
In the meantime, I’m trying not to be clingy because I can feel myself moving in that direction, and I’m almost regretful that so many other opportunities seemed to have present themselves. Surely some of those nice and interesting guys would volunteer for cuddles and sex at my request. It’s not that I don’t like him or even like him enough, but I definitely know he’s a risk and these “safe” prospects make me doubt myself.
