Bondage Bear

September 29th, 2013

Okay, Sulley isn’t a bear per se, but I like the alliteration. I took this picture as a fun way to show the bartender that I’d set up my under the bed restraints, one of the first things I ever received to review. I liked them but had no reason to set them up when I wasn’t having sex.

This is the result.

bondage bear

Of course, it piqued his interest. And I decided to develop the series. Not only is it hilarious and oh-so-me, but it’s a good way to show him what I have!

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Categories: Everything Else, The Bartender

Honestly

August 3rd, 2013

The truth is.. I thought that we were incredibly close to something real, something comfortable and sexy, something unbreakable once we got to that point. I don’t want that to slip away, and I want you to say the same thing.

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Categories: Dating, The Bartender

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Every Broken Heart Feels Like the First Time

July 3rd, 2013

I don’t even know where to start. I don’t even know if there’s a beginning. I’m caught up in the middle of it all. I’ll start with what I feel the most.

I miss you. I miss your voice. I miss your stories. I miss 3:30 in the morning phone calls. I miss you just showing up out of nowhere. I miss walks in the dog park, trips to Wal-mart. I miss you just being there.  A text, a phone call, a Facebook message away.

The truth is, you’ve always meant so much to me, so much more than I ever let on. And maybe that was my fault, but when I realized that there could be something more, it suddenly all made so much sense. There wasn’t any stopping it because someone had finally tore down the damn. I was victim to the flood that followed but I didn’t care. I was enjoying the ride.

If I’m going to continue with this analogy, I guess I now feel like I am floating downriver. Somewhere along the way, you got out of the boat, but this is a two-person job. I can’t do it without a partner, and I was so ready to finally have one again. I saw in you someone I could trust, someone who I could open up to. I was ready to share the load and see where we could go together.

And now you’re gone. I’m alone. I was preparing for this journey, and I just want you back even if all we do is stand in ankle deep water trying to regain our footing. Even if we get out of this rive and climb a mountain instead. Even if all we do is send smoke signals across the distance. I need to know that you’re still there. I need to know that I mean something to you, that we did. I know that you cared. I know that you just don’t know how to care enough or in selfless ways. I know that your flaws are not my own, but it’s so easy to forget.

And part of me wonders if I don’t find it and sooner rather than later, will I ever find the path? If I couldn’t make you stick around, why would anyone? Am I not worthy enough? Am I really not a good person like I think I am? Am I so easy to walk away from? Could you ever have felt the way you said you did? Was there something more that I could do? How could you leave knowing what it would do to me? How could I let you in knowing that you would?

And perhaps most importantly, how could something feel so right if it was wrong? Why am I always wrong? Why am I attracted to the impossible? Why does it always seems like it’s just within reach but prove to be so far out of my grasp? Why does what’s available never appeal to me? Am I setting myself up for failure? How can I ever trust myself if it always seems to turn out like this?

This crippling self doubt isn’t real. I know that I feel it whenever I’m in the middle of things. I know that I will come out of the other side stronger just like I knew before I would when I let myself fall in love with you. Part of me just feels like I have no right to feel this way when I knew the risk, but I do still. And maybe I need to learn that it’s okay.

I’ll be okay. Everything will be okay. Maybe even better. I’ve been down this road before. I’ve picked up and set off on a new path. I just need to take it one step at a time along the way and right now maybe I just need to let myself feel a little. Right now I feel sad. Angry. Hurt. Frustrated. But I feel, and this means I am alive to try again another day. And I will, with or without you. But your copilot seat will be open for some time should you wish to join me again.

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Categories: Dating, The Bartender

Hideaway

June 11th, 2013

I know that you want to run away, hide from the world. I just want you to run to me, to hide in me. Go ahead, bury yourself, that most intimate part of yourself, deep inside me. I’ll hide and protect you, shower you with love. I can shield you from your pain and show you all the pleasures the world has to offer.

Perhaps my words are too veiled. Let me speak plainly to benefit us both. I will be here, open to you always. My heart will always have space and I will welcome you into my sweet embrace. Between my legs you’ll find that warmest place, the place where you belong. I only want you to stop long enough to call it home.

I want to pierce your heart enough to fill it with my love, but you, you can penetrate my body enough to leave me bruised but not broken, begging for more but not poor. If you’d like, you can choke, restrain, pull and bend me. If it helps the hurt, there’s nothing you can’t do against me.

And as every part of you mingles with me, I’ll find in you my own safety net, a place where I can let go, shaking, crying, moving in that way I can’t control. I’ll surrender myself to you if only you can pull me to you. And if you’d like, I’ll come for you, your safe place from the world.

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Categories: Everything Else, The Bartender

State of the Union Address

June 9th, 2013

Amid my site going down for a little bit, I didn’t have much of a chance to talk about my short-live relationship, if we can even call it that. One late night, the bartender showed up. We cuddled, we talked, we had sex. It may be the best sex we’ve yet had because it felt the most intimate. During the course of the night, we talked circles around making us official, with neither one of us being bold enough to approach the topic.

So, as our bodies pressed close together and sex became imminent, I simply said that we were no longer going to be single. His acquiescence was something anyone could have seen coming. He agreed he was “mine and mine alone.” It’s a phrase he’s used several times, and it’s cute. In fact, the very verbalizing of this initiated both the strongest and most unexpected orgasm I’ve had with him. It came out of nowhere, and there wasn’t even any clitoral stimulation, so that was a pleasant surprise.

Sex progressed to the first time I was on top, and he held me so incredibly close as he came. It was physically and emotionally satisfying in a way that I haven’t experienced in years, and we cuddled for a bit before he had to leave.

Everything went downhill from there, however. I was happy for a few days, changed my relationship status and let people know about my recent status change. I didn’t hear from him for over a week then. Unfortunately, last week was my birthday, and I was looking forward to being able to celebrate with my boyfriend.

After a week of no communication and a couple nights of serious drinking, I finally called him drunk. Fortunately, he didn’t answer. Not so fortunately, I left a message. Twice. In the first, I accused him of being an asshole for not responding. In the second, I expressed remorse for our relationship being over because I thought I was in love with him.

I immediately regretted not only the calls but making them in front of everyone. As soon as I woke up the next day, I sent a text to apologize. He hadn’t yet heard the messages, so I told him to delete them. We discussed how it’s not cool that he disappears but that’s how he “deals.” I told him that, as his friend, he knows he can let me in. I wanted to help. We decided that he needs to get his shit straightened out before he can be in a relationship, and I don’t disagree. I just wish he was stable enough to be in one now, with me.

The conversation ended shortly after my promising that I would be his friend no matter what and with the suggestion that sex was still an option because we have such an enjoyable time together. It’s fun, comfortable and hot. I think of him every time I am horny. I just can’t help it.

We haven’t spoken much sense, but I feel a bit closer. I am glad that our friendship is in tact, as glad as I am sad that we’re only friends. However, I don’t necessarily feel that we can’t approach the topic again in the future.

Many people don’t understand why I am still his friend, let alone wanting more. They don’t know what I see in him, but I understand that he’s well intentioned but misguided. I can’t help but feel as though he’s so close to reaching out. We are friends, first and foremost, and I want to be there when he does. It’s no small sacrifice, but my will isn’t small.

So, now I am single but hopeful. I am experiencing less turmoil than I have for some time, but that’s for another post.

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Categories: Dating, The Bartender

Image © MisterUnlucky; used with permission.