The Sexually Dominant Woman

February 10th, 2010

The Sexually Dominant Woman

The Sexually Dominant Woman
11.47 from Amazon

The Sexually Dominant Woman is a very basic guide to femdom by Lady Green, a pen name for Janet Hardy, who has written and co-written several other BDSM books, including The (New) Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book. Immediately, I was much more comfortable with Lady Green’s tone and approach; although, I found The Sexually Dominant Woman to be just a bit too basic.

Lady Green uses a very friendly and approachable tone unlike the one used in The Mistress Manual. She does not appear to be preaching at you in role, which I appreciate. However, one of the downfalls of this tone is that Lady Green sometimes comes off as less professional than she could, which can make the reader question whether or not we should be taking her advice. The large, un-standard font face used in the book also lends to this feel. I would prefer something that looks just a bit more “proper.” But this would mean The Sexually Dominant Woman would be much smaller in appearance. Indeed, much of the information has been covered online in various communities and on many websites. It’s good to have all the information in one place but I think the Sexually Dominant Woman would almost be better as a PDF “book” than a printed book.

The Sexually Dominant Woman is subtitled as “A Workbook for Nervous Beginners” and much of it has a workbook feel. It could potentially be useful were it kept on hand during scenes (although, that could also detract from the scene itself). This guide is light enough reading that it could be used as suggested reading for partners, too, without overwhelming them.

This guide begins with a checklist to gauge a person’s interest in female domination, and there are frequent black-and-white sketches included. Some of these illustrate tools or positions while others are just complementary to the text. They are all amateur in composition and none of them are really appealing. This book would come off much classier with higher quality art.

What follows is a chapter defining sexual dominant in which Lady Green splits BDSM into several aspects including helplessness (bondage), roles and sensation. The next dedicates a chapter to each where she outlines tools, positions, tips and more. “Winding Down” discusses knowing when the session is/should be finished and she dedicates a few pages toward the feelings which may come after a scene and what they can mean. Throughout the entire book, it feels as though the author is only suggesting things and there is a feeling that the reader can and should tailor the advice to be a better fit for her specific situation. Although The Sexually Dominant Female is intended for female dominants and male subs, there is a note in the beginning that recognizes that many women play with women and that most of the content can be altered for the purpose. I would have to agree that this book is more neutral toward the submissive’s gender because it does not play on the yin and yang of gendered Dominance and submission like the Mistress Manual. It also makes it that much more pleasant to read.

The chapters are all short, no more than a few pages each. As you can guess, The Sexually Dominant Woman does not go into extreme depth about any one topic but gives a brief and consistent introduction to each subject tackled within its pages. It is not a book I would solely rely on, and I would encourage people to read other material, such as The Sexually Dominant Woman. My suggestion? SM 101 is great, but I will definitely pick up The New Topping Book after this. I especially suggest SM101 because it tackles many issues regarding safety and BDSM, an area which is a bit lacking in The Sexually Dominant Woman, and novice players may not realize what is lacking. Although the chapter on Physical and Emotional Safety is one of the longest in the book, it’s still only a handful of pages long.

Where The Sexually Dominant Woman really stands out, in my opinion, is with the suggested “basic first session.” I have read several suggestions in several other books, but none of them have ever been appealing. Lady Green suggests a scene that has a dedicated beginning and end (and helps players get into and out of scene mode), which flows naturally and incorporates a variety of activities and tools (bondage, collars, clamps, blindfolds, flogging, etc) and has alternatives provided depending upon whether the reader wants to incorporate sex into the scene. Overall, this suggested scene is pretty much perfect for any BDSM newbie, with enough structure to keep it moving but not so restrictive that it feels silly. It is definitely a chapter I would recommend or reference in the future.

The Sexually Dominant Woman wraps up with “Some notes For Your Submissive” which can help a submissive understand how taxing a role can be a dominant, especially a new dominant. This is followed by “Tips For Partner” finding which discusses perception and expectations that can aid in the search as well as a few suggestions of places to search. The advice is the sort of common knowledge that people can sometimes forget when setting off on a new adventure.

The appendix is the last chapter and Lady Green takes time to suggest further reading material, discuss kink-aware professionals and warn about the internet. It’s a bit of a catch-all which basically indicates that The Sexually Dominant Woman is not intended to be a stand-alone source. As I finished the book, that is the same conclusion I reached. The Sexually Dominant Woman is not groundbreaking and, to be honest, is probably old news to anyone who’s been on the internet a time or two. However, the approachable tone is refreshing for someone like myself, who has had issues with other BDSM books. If you happen by it, I would pick it up. Although, it seems like it may be going out of print so I’d probably look for The New Topping Book instead.

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Categories: Books, Reviews

The Mistress Manual

January 26th, 2010

The Mistress Manual

The Mistress Manual
$29.29 from Store.OfSexAndLove.com

The Mistress Manual, “the good girl’s guide to female dominance,” is a pretty iconic book when it comes to BDSM guides but it is not a general dominance/topping book and it will be most useful to a specific sort of demographic. If you’re curious if you fall into that demographic, ask yourself these questions:

  • Are my femininity and domination closely connected?
  • Have I already found or created a willing male submissive?
  • Does my idea of domination center around the house?
  • Am I looking for help developing my dominance style and, if so, do classic dominance archetypes (nursemaid, governess, queen, amazon, goddess) appeal to me?

If your answer to any of these questions is “No,” I would direct you in another direction. Perhaps the New Topping Book, although I have not read it myself. If all your answers are “No,” I would not encourage you to open The Mistress Manual with a 10-foot pole because, while the advice given by Mistress Lorelei will probably work quite well for those whose styles of domination mesh with her views, the scope is limited enough that it will be extremely frustrating if not entirely futile for anyone else. Here’s why.

The keyword is female.

Mistress Lorelei, whom the reader learns is a professional writer from a blurb at the end of the book but whose expertise on the subject is never fully established, seems to see female dominance and male submission as a complimentary pair, sort of yin and yang-y. And I can dig that. In many ways, it makes sense, and, thus, it’s pretty much the running theme of this guide.

In some ways, however, it doesn’t make quite so much sense. Although there is advice in The Mistress Manual that can be used by any creative person or couple, the unique dynamics of a lesbian power exchange relationship may not benefit quite as well from Lorelei’s words. Perhaps she focused on the idea of “female dominance” a bit too much. I don’t need to roar because I’m a woman, and while being female can certainly add unique aspects to power, power itself is not hinged on my gender.

In fact, there are several reviews on Amazon that voice my critiques much more eloquently than I ever could:

Most of this book is tainted with this woman’s petty revenge fantasies. She can’t seem to seperate [sic] the idea of a well balanced BDSM relationship, founded on ideas such as trust and respect, from her indignacy [sic] at her perceived “second class citizen” status because she is a woman.

The Mistress Manual could have done much more to help craft or find a submissive.

While Chapter 3 talks about finding or creating a submissive, it was sorely lacking. The information to determine if one’s partner is open to female dominance is based on many assumptions. For example, Lorelei suggests that positive reactions to nipple pinching, being told to perform oral sex or to woman-on-top sex are indicative of domination fantasies and they can be, in the right situation. On the other hand, those things are all pretty vanilla these days, and I wouldn’t think someone is into BDSM simply for liking those things.

If your partner does happen to have fantasies of female domination that take little to encourage, you probably won’t find this as problematic as I did. Furthermore, if you live in an area where it’s easy to find an already submissive partner, you’re set. Just don’t rely on The Mistress Manual to be much help if either of those speed bumps apply to you.

“Domestic Discipline”

Mistress Lorelei describes her brand of dominance as “Domestic Discipline.” While I’m no expert, she defines this term (and others) uniquely. I have only ever seen Domestic Discipline defined as a relationship between husband and wife where the husband is dominant. Female dominance does not fit that definition at all. Somehow, Lorelei has found a group of people who have altered the traditional definition, and this can be misleading. It’s like she decided to say, for her book, that “empty means full.”

Semantics aside, my domination tastes center around general BDSM, not domesticity or discipline exclusively. In the beginning of the book, Lorelei is quick to state the differences between her idea of domestic discipline and the BDSM/leather scene, which did put me off for the rest of the book. However, if the idea of domestic roles or discipline-dependent S&M is this thing, you will probably enjoy this book much more than I did.

She’s a stickler for archetypes.

Admittedly, I do not put much stock into the “archetypal” female dominance roles, which she lists as nursemaid, governess, goddess, queen, and amazon. Relying on established fantasies can certainly help the creative juices flow for planning a scene and help to develop a style of dominance if someone is not sure how to proceed. Still, I find my tastes to be a bit more eclectic than these roles sometimes allow for. All these fantasies closely tie femininity into dominance as well, which makes them either a great fit or.. a sore fit. I do find the references to these roles throughout the book to be distracting.

If you still find yourself interested, he is a brief rundown of the Mistress Manual:

Separated into three parts – Becoming a Mistress, the Mistress in Action, and The Five Archetypal Fantasies – this book is well suited for absolute beginners or perhaps women who have struggled to get their BDSM fantasies off the ground, but it does not offer the mental or emotional assistance that some people require. Furthermore, the chapters waver in-depth, with Lorelei including much information about spanking implements but never quite explaining how to bring out submission in a reluctant partner.

The chapters in the first section explain the appeal of female domination, how to get over hang-ups about the idea, finding or creating a submissive male, and balancing fantasy and reality. The chapters in the next section discuss establishing authority, planning a first scene, the art of discipline and “bondage, humiliation and other forms of control.” The Mistress Manual wraps up with a chapter each on what Lorelei calls the 5 Archetypal Fantasies of female domination – Nursemaid, Governess, Queen, Amazon and Goddess – with an introductory chapter about fulfilling fantasies of both the dominant and her male submissive.

There are some strengths to this book. An entire chapter is dedicated to “The Reluctant Mistress” to aid newbies who are uncomfortable with the idea of female domination. It outlines reasons that women shy away from domination, such as guilt, repression, or unwillingness. Additionally, Mistress Lorelei helpfully describes how language, props, costumes, and acting can all aid in this endeavor. I hadn’t given enough thought to some of these things, and I could see why they could be detrimental to my play. Plus, Mistress Lorelei knows her impact play props and even talks about sting versus thud, as well as offering concrete information about methods of spanking. Furthermore, there is a list of ways to aid in “Combining Power and Pleasure” with tips on how language, position and other things can affect the perception of power. Lastly, the author does advise discussing thoroughly what all parties want out of domination (and the archetypes might help in determining and discussing this).

Yet I would be aware that The Mistress Manual is dated, like S&M101. The author suggests finding potential partners in the meeting places of yesteryear (ads and clubs). I did not find the suggested first scene appealing. Rather, it was bland and didn’t flow in a way that I found to be natural or satisfying. This may only be personal preference, however.

Ultimately, The Mistress Manual is not the book for me, and the points that I found helpful are few enough that I may remember them without ever needing to open it again. I would certainly steer someone toward other books (like SM101 or The New Topping Book) over The Mistress Manual. The pretentious and overly wordy style Lorelei used also detracted from my enjoyment. By the end, I was skimming the book, if only because I could no longer force myself to read it word for word. In short, The Mistress Manual is a good book if you are like Mistress Lorelei but not as good if you are like me.

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Categories: Books, Reviews

Make love to your long distance lover online

Female Ejaculation & the G-spot

September 17th, 2009

Female Ejaculation& the G-spot

Female Ejaculation& the G-spot
16.99 (Kindle) from Amazon

It took me some time to finish Female Ejaculation& the G-spot by Deborah Sundahl, not just because it’s a longer book than most sex-ed books I’ve read (it is!), but because the direction she took was both unexpected and unwelcome by me.

Let me explain. By reading the first chapter and the last page of this book (of the actual content, not the very last page), you can get a very good feel for how this book is going to turn out. Ms. Sundahl does little to hide her attitude toward clitoral orgasms (which is that they are inferior) in “A Peek Inside a Female Ejaculation Workshop.” The last page of content is devoted to something I never, in a million years, would have expected from a book on female ejaculation: “A Female Ejaculation Blessing“. It is pages like this and ideas that are too tightly intertwined with the rest of the G-spot/FE content that tell a story of a woman who cannot (or will not) view Tantric/spiritual sex separately.

It’s not that I have anything against Tantric sex. It’s just not something I’m interested in now, nor is it something that I expect to read about in a book about female ejaculation. The two are not mutually inclusive to me and by taking the direction she did, I found Ms. Sundahl actually did a disservice to what is an otherwise helpful book. By the end, I was both frustrated at her insistence that women must have a spiritual experience with FE and amused at yet another flowery description of “feminine waters”. I actually began discussing this with my husband and would say, “Hey, she did it again, listen to this”. Neither of us could help but laugh at some of the ridiculous descriptions she used in the book.

Why do I say this?

I say it because while I do recommend this book, if you’re anything like me, the inclusion of spirituality in an FE book will be something of a hurdle. I strongly suggest you read the first chapter and the last page as well as leaf through Female Ejaculation & the G-spot before making the decision to buy it, lest you wind up with a fresh supply of hamster cage padding. If you think you can get past that or might actually like it, then go ahead and purchase Female Ejaculation & the G-spot. If you think it may be problematic, make one of your new age friends read the book and give you the run down.

That was the one major issue I took with Female Ejaculation & the G-spot, and, unfortunately, there was no way to get around it. Otherwise, I found this book was organized well and, within those chapters (each which started with a fairly useless story that was supposed to be related to the content but was really just laughable), contained information more complete and useful than any other writing on the G-spot or female ejaculation I’ve encountered yet. I think this book will be useful to any woman attempting to ejaculate for the first time or improve her FE experience. Partners may also find the book beneficial. However, if you’re looking to learn how to orgasm from the G-spot, you will not find this here; the inclusion of the G-spot in this book is generally only in relation to female ejaculation.

This book is split into three sections: The Phenomenon of Female Ejaculation, Techniques for a Feminine Fountain and Embracing the Feminine Spring. These sections could be looked at as introductory, theories in practice and improving upon the practice, respectively.

The first section covers Ms Sundahl’s intro to an FE workshop and takes a look at how people historically viewed FE. It’s especially apparent that Deborah Sundahl has spent some amount of time researching this subject and her passion shines through as she gives us our history lesson. In this section is also a chapter entitled “What is Female Ejaculation?”, a rather extensive anatomy lesson which gives the most complete explanation of FE and the prostate I’ve yet encountered. This chapter really takes away the mystery of the G-spot – in a good way! I can only wonder why it is not universally accepted as the view on the G-spot (I am also fond of her view of the G-spot, clitoris, perineum, et cetera as one interconnected female sex organ). The text and included images will introduce the reader to the G-spot, also known as the female prostate and show its different types (which account for how deep the G-spot is in different women).

I did find it interesting how orgasms are categorized in this book. Deborah Sundahl views the three types of orgasm as clitoral, blended, and uterine, as opposed to clitoral, vaginal, and G-spot. Her definition of a blended orgasm is G-spot orgasm and uterine orgasm, of which I’d never heard before this, is a deeper orgasm I suppose. It makes me wonder where there’s room for a vaginal, non-G-spot orgasm in her view. Or is there?

That aside, this introductory section leads quite well to the next, where Ms. Sundahl walks the reader through learning to ejaculate (in a chapter each), first without an orgasm, then with one as well as with a partner. The final chapter in the section is about “Men’s Role in Female Ejaculation”. This section focuses on techniques for finding and stimulating one’s G-spot, and Deborah Sundahl’s experience shows, once more, realistic descriptions of how a G-spot might feel rather than medical-sounding ones. Furthermore, there are personal anecdotes gathered over the years, which help to show the FE experience in all its variety.

“Ejaculate Without an Orgasm” instructs how to check one’s mental and physical readiness for FE. If one’s PC muscles measure too tense or loose, she suggests exercises to remedy the issue. There’s even some information about how menstrual cycle can affect FE, before she sets about helping the reader find her G-spot and locate all its parts. Like other works, Female Ejaculation & the G-spot touches on the difference between FE and urine, which is something I find personally interesting. However, Ms Sundahl basically says, “It’s not urine, but even if it is, oh well!” which I found to be awkward.

The following chapter discusses the types of orgasms and suggests ejaculating by stimulating mostly the G-spot but the clitoris as well, if it’s needed to orgasm. She wraps up the chapter with some information on sex toys for G-spot play. “Ejaculating With a Partner” helps bring FE into partner play, including position suggestions, but is otherwise a shorter chapter. “Men’s Role in Female Ejaculation” should actually be called “The Partner’s Role” and the personal experiences shared here are real and varied. In it, Ms Subdahl gives advice for those who wish to aid their partners in FE, even touching on how men can help by mastering multiple orgasms.

The third and final section has only two chapters, “Heal Your G-spot” and “Connection to Self and Partner”. While reading about G-spot healing was sort of interesting, this chapter is the most heavily focused in new age/spirituality/Tantra. In it, the author discusses emotional blocks, sexual healers, and healing sexual massage. In some places, this chapter comes close to fiction and if you’re not into it, I would advise skipping it completely. The final chapter continues with the Tantric theme in relationships and sums up the book. There are a couple of paragraphs each that explain what the reader (should have) learned in each chapter and suggest how the reader can further explore.jkmnnhbb

The book contains several pages of references, resources and glossary terms at the end. The reader can find the websites of people, places and products which were discussed by the author in this book; however, some of them no longer exist.

As one can see, the book is organized well and once the reader gets beyond that major Tantric theme (if that’s an issue), there is a lot of concrete information which can be helpful. I found that the descriptions really helped me to pinpoint areas on my G-spot and better understand its anatomy. I do have some final criticisms, however.

Deborah Sundahl frequently says things like, “All women can achieve FE just like all women are born with arms and legs.” I think generalizations like that are not only presumptuous but just go to show that, no, not all women can, just like not everyone is born with arms and legs. At one point in the book, she mentions that one should never look at things in absolutes; I believe she should take her own advice.

In the same vein, the author frequently says things like you will be able to achieve FE. While I know she’s trying to be supportive, her book may not help everyone and statements like these, combined with the statements above, could certainly make someone feel defective – especially when she emphasizes that a “numb” G-spot is from “body armoring” or emotional blocks. Could it not be that some people are just less sensitive?

I think that taking Female Ejaculation & the G-spot with a giant grain of salt is almost a requirement to get any use of it. If you can do it, there’s a lot to be had in between flowery descriptions and spiritual metaphors, certainly more than I’ve ever found online. When it comes down to it, I recommend Female Ejaculation & the G-spot to anyone curious about FE, with a couple caveats.

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Categories: Books, Reviews

Good Vibrations Guide to the G-spot

July 18th, 2009

Good Vibrations Guide to the G-spot

Good Vibrations Guide to the G-spot
$9.50 from Amazon

“Good things come in small packages”.
“There can be too much of a good thing”.
“It’s the little things that count”.

At first glance at The Good Vibrations Guide to the G-spot (here on out just known at The Guide, okay?), it’s hard not to wonder if the Good Vibes team, including author Cathy Winks (a former Good Vibes employee, reviewer, and guide author), religiously stuck to one of the above cliches. Otherwise, why would this book be so damned short? Indeed, measuring in at 63 pages, a full 10 of which include references, resources and notes, it almost feels erroneous to call this a book. Perhaps “extended pamphlet” would be more accurate? In truth, I believe that Good Vibes/Ms Winks tried to be open and honest about a subject which has not been thoroughly studied or even acknowledged by the scientific community and, by extension, most knowledge is anecdotal, regarding personal experience, rather than tried and true scientific fact. Even then, what exists is little and, by sticking to the few facts there are, Good Vibes was only able to produce a slim book. In some ways, I applaud this approach because The Guide is essentially hype-free and that is definitely one of its strong points. On the other hand, it quickly becomes evident that there just isn’t enough evidence to warrant the writing of this book or the purchase unless you really prefer a hard copy to keep in the nightstand or are otherwise completely unfamiliar with the G-spot.

So a brief rundown of this brief publication. The introduction sets the attitude for the entire book and that attitude is extremely reassuring and comforting. Cathy Winks tells the reader that, yes, some women experience pleasure from G-spot stimulation in these ways and the G-spot can sometimes be located and stimulated in these ways, every woman is different. Some women need different techniques, have different shapes or quite simply are not positively affected by G-spot stimulation. And it’s all okay. The intro also introduces us to the quotes from real women that are printed throughout the book, describing their personal experiences.

Just the Facts, Ma’am is the chapter which follows and basically gives the reader an anatomy lesson. Cathy talks us through the clitoris, anus, vagina, perineum, urethra and, of course, the urethral sponge AKA the G-spot. In fact, most references to the G-spot seem to use the term urethral sponge. I find this to be slightly misleading because The Guide does not take the time to differentiate between the different erogenous zones located around the urethra/sponge – IE the G and U-spots. Some confusing wording in The Guide seems to imply that the erogenous zone near the urethral opening, also known as the U-spot, is simply the “external” end of the G-spot. I find this to be erroneous but perhaps it is simply another poorly researched topic. Similarly, there is no mention of the Anterior Fornix Erogenous Zone/A-spot. Regardless, the author explains that all the hype about G-spot orgasms has done a disservice to clitoral orgasms and orgasms in general as women right them off as the “wrong” kind of orgasms. By the end of the chapter you feel that, whatever works for it, it’s all okay.

I’d like to take the time to note that this chapter includes a diagram which I found especially unhelpful. Perhaps it is the size limits or the black and white or simply the image is not true to proportion for simplicity’s sake but it is not my favourite. In particular, the pubic bone seems incredibly far from the vagina.

The next chapter is perplexing in that it is its own chapter at all. Ms Winks explains to the reader that there really is no new information about female sexuality or the female body. Nothing is being discovered, only rediscovered when society finally decides it is acceptable. Body part by body part, she outlines the discovery and exploration of body parts from Kinsey’s findings on the clitoris to Grafenerg’s studies on the urethra and naming of the G-spot to historical recollections of the female prostate and how views about female ejaculation have changed over the years. Because this chapter was generally split up by body part, I’m not sure why it couldn’t be merged with the first. Additionally, much of the information felt like repetition, already. Save for the interesting fact that, for over 2 thousand years, scientists believed conception was due to both male and female ejaculations, there wasn’t much information worth reading and certainly nothing really new to me.

Exploration focuses on finding your grove (if one is to be found) with the G-spot. It starts with an emphasis on communicating with your partner, describes general location and feel of the G-spot and, like many other resources, advises plenty of play to increase arousal beforehand. The typical “come hither” technique is discussed as well as suggestions of position for solo and partner exploration, including intercourse. However, most of the chapter seems to cover ejaculation: how to (don’t forget those kegels!), who can do it, what ejaculate is made of so on and so forth. I found it interesting that no studies have been done to determine if female ejaculate could carry STIs. Again, this chapter reflects the great amount of uncertainty in the world of female orgasm and ejaculation.

Tips, Toys and Techniques delves into the PC muscle and spends a page or three stressing – yet again – that all orgasms are good and whether or not you have one type, another or a blend of all types it’s all okay. The chapter is summed up with description and even names of toys which might help stimulate the area. Cindy tells us that some women like vibration on the G-spot and others not, because it is responsive to pressure and not touch – a useful (but not new) tip, indeed.

And then the book is done – save for notes, references, resources and a note about the author.

Say what? Yes, that’s it. Besides a few interesting historical points, a tip that cervical caps may block access to the G-spot and the bit about ejaculate and STIs, there was virtually no information in here that I did not already know (and even those tidbits were something I could likely learn about via the internet). If you’ve Googled the G-spot more than once or followed any discussions about G-spot orgasm, you probably already have all of this information. So, if you’re like me and have the information but haven’t had a lot of luck with G-spot exploration anyway, this is not your solution. However, if you’re an absolute newbie to the G-spot, require your information in hard copy or are informed but still incredibly unhappy about your progress with G-spot orgasms, this book might be useful to you. Even still, it’s easier and cheaper to Google it.

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Categories: Books, Reviews

Best Lesbian Erotica 2009

July 15th, 2009

Best Lesbian Erotica 2009

Best Lesbian Erotica 2009
$15.95 from Amazon

As my collection of erotic and “mature education” books grows, I’ve grown, too. I’ve become more aware of my preferences and, hopefully, this will help me determine what items are best for me to buy or review. Unfortunately, despite the fact that I know I like lesbian erotica, I was still disappointed in Best Lesbian Erotica 2009: because it’s not all encompassing lesbian erotica, it is narrowly focused butch/femme erotica.

Let me back up, though. This colourfully bound book called for me ever since I first laid eyes on it. It’s feminine and modern in purple and green (a la Joker, perhaps?) shades which don’t quite match the hair and fingernails of the scantily clad ladies on the cover but that’s okay because it’s still pretty. Really, the colour combination is one which I have always loved so it easily won me over.

It’s also the last edition Tristan Taormino will edit and begins with her foreword which both gives us a glimpse of what is to come in the book and what has come in her life because of her involvement with the series. It’s erotic in its own way, touching and appropriate. Following, is an introduction by Joan Larkin, the one who selected the stories (and as such, the object of my scorn). Following Tristan’s words, the introduction really pales in comparison.

The majority of this book is, of course, 2 dozen tales of girl on girl (and sometimes another girl) action brought to you by names lesser known and names instantly recognizable (such as Rachel Kramer Bussel). They are, undoubtedly, well written and edited; however, they do not necessarily provide “in your face” action. The settings and interactions are both profound and arousing: sometimes profound because they are arousing and sometimes the other way around. I particularly enjoyed, Shanna Germain’s “On Snow-White Wings”, a beach-side tale of how love can surprise a soul to the point of obscuring recognition.

However, the majority of these stories do little to veer from the theme of butch and femme interactions. Although some stories only implied as much, others were laden with stereotypes and pretenses to the point that I would read less than the first page of a story and skip past it thinking “Not another one”. You see, I don’t mind these stories. Many of them were extremely hot. I more than thoroughly enjoyed “Lipstick on Her Collar” by Sachhi Green and expect to enjoy it repeatedly in the future but it was the unique setting of the story: a butch woman serving in the Woman’s Army Corps during Vietnam, who enjoys a roll in the hay with a femme reporter, amidst the war around them (and perhaps, slightly because of it). No, I do not deny that these stories can be great.

I also cannot deny that several stories, in fact, fight those stereotypes. Teresa Noelle Roberts’ “Tough Enough to Wear a Dress” tell a story of a dyke man enough to shed the stereotypes and step out in a burgundy, velvet evening gown. As her femme counterpart explains, people will think she is

a dyke in a costume.. A fabulous, flattering costume–but one that enhances who you are instead of hiding it

What I argue is that they are not the entirety of the lesbian world, as this edition would have us believe. As I am not familiar with previous versions, I cannot say if it is simply this one which reflects upon lesbians so narrowly or if the whole series is at fault but there is a distinct lack of “vanilla lesbian” (I fretted long and hard about the most PC way to illustrate this concept, please forgive if it offends).

Newsflash!

Not all lesbians subscribe to those lifestyles. The lesbian population is not evenly divided in to butch or femme. Some are a little of both. Some are none. Both parties in a lesbian couple can wear lipstick. Silicone does not have to be an extension of ones self, it can simply be a sex toy. And those lesbians aren’t hiding, either. Neither are they any less significant part of the population. So why is it that this book seems to overlook them so?

It’s a shame because some of the specifics within these stories (S&M, shoe fetishes, stranger sex and escorts – just to name a few) are spectacular but I found it impossible to ignore the overwhelming presences of rigid butch/femme stereotypes. Maybe what I want would be considered boring; maybe I’m not “hardcore” enough to appreciate Best Lesbian Erotica 2009. Maybe I want a man’s lesbianism and need to look elsewhere. Maybe, just maybe, I’m right

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Categories: Books, Reviews

S&M 101

July 13th, 2009

S&M 101

S&M 101
14.44 from Amazon

Although it’s been years since I’ve had to go to school on a Monday morning, you’ll be happy to know I’ve been keeping up with my homework. 😉

For years, I have intended to pick up S&M 101 by Jay Wiseman because it has been unanimously recommended to me. S&M 101 is perhaps the quintessential BDSM book on the market and it is more than titled appropriately. From the moment I picked it up, I understood why. This is no flimsy volume but a nearly-400 page tome of information about BDSM and, although it contains much information, is it a quick read and I was halfway through it in a matter of days, simply reading through it as I waited for pages and programs to load in my computer. Furthermore, Mr Wiseman’s casual yet knowledgeable tone stresses safety and caution in all things risky (which BDSM is) without ever sounding condescending or holding the “holier than thou attitude” which runs rampant among many BDSM participants and can be a serious deterrent to struggling newcomers. It may not be the only resource in your collection but it’s a perfect first.

I suspect this will be a lengthy review, because it is a lengthy book. Although Mr. Wisemen does not discuss every single aspect of BDSM in minute detail, he covers a great many aspects and in a depth I appreciate. I like specific answers and SM101 provides me with those, specific answers about BSDM. While many of the ideas he presents are not new to me, he gives refreshing details. I’d like to take a moment to explain that, in his book, Jay uses SM as an umbrella term rather than BDSM and it seems this is simply due to the trends at the time when it was published (first edition in 1992 and this, the second edition, sometime between 1996 and 2000).

SM101 starts with a sort of introduction from Jay Wiseman about how he started writing this book as well as how he started in BDSM. It’s interesting but I found it to be long. Some of his personal experiences might have been more interesting at the end of the book; instead, they felt like a speed bump on my way to the “real” material. That material starts with a chapter on the Basic Basics which will outlines consent and safety measures – with a negotiation form – and Finding Partners which aids in finding partners through ads and club, by your sexual orientation and ends with advice for introducing BDSM to your existing relationship.

Next come several chapters on the more physical aspects of BDSM (Bondage, Flagellation, Clamps etc) as well as some thoughts on Lubricants. In these sections, the author discusses different BDSM gear, where to buy it, characteristics of quality gear and how to use it. You will not be an expert in physical BDSM but reading this book can definitely aid in your understanding of these tools. For instance, SM101 taught me that cheap handcuffs are often identical cuffs instead of mirror images and have a 3 link chain. I now know to keep an eye out for a quality pair of S&W cuffs, should I be in the market for them. Information as specific as this is available about gags, riding crops and rope, just to name a few.

Of particular note is the Bondage 1A which discusses only rope including qualities, care, and illustrations of knots and the best positions with which to use them to bind a person (genital bondage, anyone?). Although I am not a fan of rope, I found this chapter to be suggestively helpful without being commanding.

The physical chapters finish up with Erotic Torture in which Mr. Wiseman discusses various techniques of teasing and torturing a submissive from sensation play to sex toys to electricity to blades. Again, he reflects his beliefs about taking it slow and safe to minimize risk. The chapter is wrapped up with several masturbation techniques to use on a person.

The chapters following, including Humiliation, D/s Interactions, and SM Relationships focus on the emotional dynamics of BDSM. Jay outlines qualities desired in both players, including the four basic duties of a submissive (To serve needs, to obey orders, to accept domination, to please desires).He touches on the significance of the collar, basic positions for training and punishment. SM Relationships probes beyond the scene, to the lifestyle. The ideas in these chapters are rather traditional and rigid and certainly do reflect power exchange well but while it will work well for some, this information may not be as helpful to others.

The remaining chapters focus on safety and resources, in general. SM Organizations suggests ways to locate and advice for joining BDSM groups but will definitely be more helpful to those who live in areas which already have established communities. Jay does include suggestions for those wanting to start their own as well. A chapter on General Safety Considerations includes BDSM while pregnant and common emergencies during a scene (The 5 Fs: freakouts, falls, fainting, failure, and fire). SM and Safer sex focuses on reducing the risk of spreading STDs but focuses narrowly on AIDs. I suspect that a book written more recently would focus more on issues surrounding HPV (but they are both risks to be well aware of).

There is a chapter which outlines a typical scene between a Domme and male submissive. Following this is a chapter listing suggestions for your BDSM starter set which includes not only BDSM toys but everyday, household items which you can put to good use as well. SM Sayings is essentially a list of commandments about practicing. Related Practices includes activities/fetishes/lifestyles which tend to have overlap with BDSM like Age Play and Polyamory; Wisemen includes contact information for groups which specialize in these activities. Finding Help With Problems provides further resources for issues such as abuse and rape. Jay suggests even further reading in References and Resources, as well as some books which are not recommended.

Finally, the book wraps up with a glossary of terms used and 3 Appendices: Sample Event Rules which is self-explanatory, SM and the Internet and a sobering Monograph on Breath Control Play which, by no means, should be skipped because it is the last section of the book.

As you can see, this book does discuss many aspects of BDSM and in great detail – greater than I would be able to describe without making this review too unruly (although, I would be glad to answer specific questions). Wiseman does so in a no-nonsense manner, repeatedly stressing to take things slow and use safety measures. It’s also a very approachable manner and I chuckled a time or two at the book, like when he describes helping a Domme test eyebolts in a wall with a lacey pink pillow strapped to his head, lest one pop out and hit him (it did). It is a solid book.

But it is not without its flaws. As a critical person, I found the strange font face to be distracting until I become accustomed to it. I would absolutely reprint this book using a more standard font; it looks sloppy as-is. Furthermore, Wiseman includes sometimes-relevant quotes on pages. They are generally thoughts from players which reflect thoughts and attitudes about BDSM, sometimes quotes from the page. They do not always seem to be relevant to the content on the page (sometimes I can see how they’re supposed to relate but they fail to do so) and, quite frankly, sometimes they do not add to the book at all. I have also touched on how some of the advice about interactions and relationships is very traditional and rigid. For this reason, I found the chapters about physical BDSM more helpful but this is mostly due to personal preference.

Still, the most glaring flaw of SM101 is that it is dated. Extremely so. Wiseman lists contact information in several places but it is only ever addresses and phone numbers. Unfortunately, there is no way for the reader to know whether or not this information is up to date or even if these groups and people still exist. And who writes for information anymore, anyway? I have never once. Website URLS would be entirely more useful.

Additionally, he makes many mentions of newsgroups on Usenet and, well, this summer marks a decade I’ve been using the internet and I’ve probably joined less than a dozen newsgroups in that time, none of which I ever stuck around very long. I know it’s difficult to write about the internet as websites come and go and there’s so many it could easily be a book on its own but a mention of strong sites like FetLife, Alt.com or Bondage.com would offer more potential than newsgroups which only serve as a forum for spambots. You can basically skip the second Appendix because, even though it’s probably some of the “newer” information in the book, it’s still decrepit.

I wonder why SM101 is only the second edition when there were only a few short years since the first was published. Following that timeline, it could be on the 4th or 5th printing by now.

In the end, this book is best for uber newbies, folks who have no way to contract BDSM info or those who want to introduce the subject to their lovers. It could certainly be a book to study religiously before or even have open during your first few scenes and the ideas in it will set you up well. It will still be useful for those who have a more experience under the belt and anyone who is looking for a specific piece of information which to page through once more but will not be quite as useful. Despite what I see as a major flaw, I would still absolutely recommend it in yuor collection of sex toys and information.

A realistic introduction, indeed.

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Categories: Books, Reviews

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X: The Erotic Treasury

May 12th, 2009

X: The Erotic Treasury
$18.92 from Amazon

There is usually a book or two sitting on my nightstand and, up until now, they have been inconspicuous. Long novels whose covers are adorned with people on horses and flaming swords are a favorite (I look forward to rereading Weis and Hickman’s Death Gate Series). I have also enjoyed Absolute Sandman, which includes some impressive-looking books by Gaiman (rest assured that his writing rivals, if not surpasses, the look of these tomes!); so I am no stranger to beautiful books. And books are no stranger to my bedroom, even erotic ones. But I’ve never had a book quite like X: The Erotic Treasury, grace my nightstand before. Chances are, neither have you.

On the surface, X shares some characteristics of other books I’ve turned to before bed. Like the Ultimate Sandman, it is hardcover and slip-cased, a reprinting of previously published works. Like 5 Minute Erotica, it is a volume of quality erotic writings from two dozen authors, and it will most certainly turn you on. But the fact that it is like both of those books really makes it something else entirely. I don’t think anyone in the business of producing racy reading material has ever gone this route. I think this gives both the editor (Susie Bright) and the publisher (Chronicle Books) an edge over the competition. Quite simply, they did it first.

What is it that they did, exactly? They published a book of the best of the best, with a sexual twist. Susie Bright compiled two dozen stories, many of which were previously published in collections like Best American Erotica or Best Women’s Erotica, to tease and please us. With over 300 pages of erotic content, there is simply a lot more to this collection than others I have written. There’s really not much of a comparison.

On top of the quality stories, the powers that be also decided to make X a book that was also pleasing to the eyes. Slightly larger than most erotica, this hardcover book is encased in red fabric featuring a floral-esque motif in a not-quite-black pattern. The front and back covers are bare, and I’ve opened the book upside down a time or two, but this is not something about which I am overly concerned. On the spine of the book, you will find the name of both the editor and anthology in a very complimentary gold tone. The book fits comfortably in a slipcase that features the same floral design, with colors switched (the not-quite-black is more predominant). On the front of the slipcase, the letter X has been cut so the cover of the book itself will show through. It’s really quite impressive.

Ms. Bright did a wonderful job editing – I noticed no typos or other publishing errors – as well as picking the stories/authors to publish. The caliber of writing in this book is extremely high. It makes me ashamed when I think my writing is any good. The pieces showcased in X are by talented, articulate wordsmiths who are not afraid to express themselves. You can start from the beginning or end or anywhere in between and find yourself immersed in great storytelling.

The stories are of varying subjects, some of which may be considered taboo. They are not your run-of-the-mill erotica written by a bored housewife; they are each truly unique stories. Some are scenarios more creative than my fantasies will ever be, while others are the result of creative minds, skillfully retelling stories, familiar to us all, in ways that seem refreshed. If I have any criticisms of X, is it not about the quality of the stories?

As a testament to the quality of these pieces, I can tell you that I found myself being aroused, more than once, by situations that I do not necessarily consider erotic because the writer is simply that good. This is the case with Michael Dorsey, whose story “Milk” revolves around a Ukrainian engineer living in Russia, following a harsh winter when milk is in high demand. After searching the entire day for the elusive liquid to sate his thirst. He finds his salvation close to home and suckles from a mother’s breast. I have never been a fan of this scenario. Even as I write, I do not like it. Yet, when I read it, Mr. Dorsey’s words turned me on.

Of course, there were plenty of scenes that are more typically arousing for me and proved to be in this book. One piece, “The Man Who Are Women,” chronicles a night of drunken debauchery in which a young man accepts a dare to perform oral on random women while blindfolded. Oral sex is always a winner for me, and this story was no exception.

I also enjoyed Peggy Munson’s “Fairgrounds,” which touched on disability and gender play, as well as “Red Light, Green Light” by Shanna Germain, whose words paint a picture of women partaking in traditional activities in Amsterdam’s red light district (with a twist, of course).

Of course, I didn’t expect to like every story in this book. I found some pieces sexual but personally sexy. I think the stories I didn’t love illustrate quite well what I see as the biggest faults of this collection. First, unlike 5 Minute Erotica, these pieces are not necessarily short. Some are short (for better or worse), but most are longer. This isn’t a problem if I like the content or at least the style of writing, but a long piece that I do not like, as compared to a short one, seems that much worse. Even pieces that contained arousing parts sometimes took too long to get to the “good stuff” for my taste. I suppose I just like my erotica quick and to the point.

Secondly, because these are simply outstanding pieces, some of them simply are not erotic to me. I followed some of them with interest because the storyteller was gifted and the story itself was interesting, but I thought to myself, more than once, “Well, it’s good, but it’s not turning me on.” This was the case with a futuristic story about some sort of cyborg who got off to computerized women in the form of software (“The Portable Girlfriend”). Another story involved the coming of age of a man who has spent his life with a pair of women who embodied every teenager boy’s fantasy (think classic cheerleader), after being granted a wish (“Wish Girls”). I liked the story and was interested in what happened to the main character. Yet, it was written in such a way that something I would normally find erotic just wasn’t.

The high-quality writing contained within these pages sometimes seems to lack the down-and-dirty sexuality of most erotica. However, these common ideas can be the most arousing. Occasionally, I would find myself wondering if high-quality writing and erotica were not mutually exclusive. It seemed like some of the authors preferred hinting at the sex or writing a story that involved sex but was not necessarily about it. I know this is not always the case, as X: The Erotic Treasury contained many well-written pieces that did involve blatant sexuality, yet others made me wonder why they were chosen with this book.

I suppose it must take just as skillful a writer to take something I would generally consider erotic and turn it into something simply interesting, as it does to take the mundane or anti-erotic and make it arousing. Rest assured, all of the authors who have had work included in X: The Erotic Treasury have written pieces worth reading (as is this collection worth perusing). I’m just not sure all of them belong in an anthology of erotica.

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Categories: Books, Reviews

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