Category: Everything Else

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Everything Else

Bad Thoughts

The past few months have taught me a lot about relationships, expectations, love, perception and healthy attitudes. In some ways, I feel like a relationship expert (I’m not.. yet) and I know I have been and will continue learning skills that will not only help me have successful relationships (and that is worth imparting to my loved ones during their challenges) but I am developing skills to help me be happier no matter what my relationship status is.

As patient as I am trying to be with my husband, as hopeful as I am trying to be about this situation, it is difficult not to feel hurt and not to entertain thoughts that are simply not helpful. Ultimately, I feel a bit betrayed by my husband, my life and perhaps most importantly, myself. I feel so foolish for believing that this time would be different, that he would be different. I wonder why I ever thought it could work. What proof have I ever had that it could? Indeed, everything I have seen or experienced indicates that relationships just do not work. Ever.

I know, I know. It’s not productive. But I just cannot be productive all the time. At the very least, I can control it enough that I am not sobbing over Haagen Das. And I’m not screaming at my husband about how he’s hurt me and making it into an argument so that’s good. I am able to contain the thoughts that they are not quite ruining (running?) my life.

I feel especially silly when I think how far I’ve come in regards to my thoughts about marriage. I went from thinking it’s nothing but a sham to believing maybe it can work to wondering if maybe it is only a sham after all and I should have kept thinking the way I did because then I wouldn’t be hurting like I am. Except I know that you have to let people in and learn to trust again even if it means sometimes starting over. And as much as I hate feeling like I’m back at square one, the logical part of me knows that you cannot reap the rewards without taking the risk and I will take that risk again whether with someone else or whether my husband chooses to work on our marriage. Even if I don’t want to think about it now, cannot imagine ever being with someone else.

My bad thoughts creep up when I am alone and at night, right before bed. To combat them, I’ve been scouring the internet for inspiring quotes (I mention this in an upcoming post I wrote for EdenCafe), calling friends or sometimes distracting myself by jerking off. It’s still a work in progress, though.

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Everything Else

Craving

Sex, I want it. And I can’t have it. Which makes me want it even more. I see it in movies, on TV and read about it in books. It seems like everyone is having it. Everyone but me, of course. I think about my husband (who will hopefully remain my husband). I think about our sex and my body springs to life but no relief is available.

I remember his movements, his sounds, the feel of his touch and his body against mine. My real life becomes my fantasy and I long for the past. I do not simply want sex. I want sex with him. I want the sex I remember and, yes, the sex about which I all-too-often took a passive attitude in the past.

The past? Has it really been that long. Only a few short weeks. Yet, it feels like forever. It feels like a lifetime ago even though I know, logically, it has not been. But it has been too long and every day my desire grows. It is though I have never yearned for him as I do now or perhaps it is simply how I yearn for him because I have certainly wanted (but not been able to have) sex with him before. Before, sex was always an option in the future (albeit, not always the near future) but that is not the case now.

Regardless of how things turn out, I imagine he will be the object of my fantasies as long as I fantasize and as long as I cannot have him, I will certainly have to to survive.

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Everything Else

The Cold Hard Truth is..

Nexus Chloe is not nearly as amazing as she should be or looks. Read my review on EdenFantasys.

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Everything Else

Down The Rabbit Hole

I really wanted to like Bcurious and, truthfully, I love the design, the quality, the ease of use and the pretty lights. I love that it’s so quiet, waterproof and although it’s not designed for the broad side to be used, it could be. And I would if only the vibrations were stronger and deeper. After only a few moments, my clit couldn’t feel a damned thing and was barely aroused. In fact, I personally feel that it has no more than 1 “Vroom” but I suspect others would disagree so marked it as 2 to be extra fair.

For $80, I better be getting off. It’s really a waste of design and craftsmanship.

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Everything Else

What conspiracy is this?

At best, my flirtation with dolphin toys has been mediocre. Why is that? And why did it suck this time?

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Everything Else

Sinn-what?

It was a long wait for my Sinnflut Intensity. I didn’t know if I could throw down that much money for an insertable vibrator. After all, I haven’t had much luck with them in the past. And I couldn’t request it to review; too many folks already had. So I opted to try to Reality but, to my chagrin, I was denied. There I was, back lusting at the Intensity until I finally decided to take the plunge with some hard earned affiliate commissions and gift cards from writing at EdenCafe.

Then, the Intensity was in my hands and I wasn’t regretting it. I was drooling over the power, impressed with the design and excited to have a vibrator stored conveniently on the nightstand but, wouldn’t you know, not all stories have a happy middle. It wasn’t long before I noticed the pitiful whining and despite draining the toy completely (what a chore that was for me) and recharging it fully, the sounds remained. When I turned it on for my husband, he actually yelled for me to turn it off! Turn it off! After a while, it sounded like a train was coming straight at me, like some eery music in the back of a horror flick. It was sometimes downright scary.

So I decided to exchange it for another and, like usual, the folks at EF were quick and great about it. I had to wait a couple weeks for my replacement (damned holidays) but it showed up and made considerably less noise. I was relieved. I let myself breath again, among other less PG activities with the Intensity. Then, I wrote a review about it. You should read it.

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Everything Else

In Which Adriana Talks About Rabbits

My review for the Double Dare 4-Play was just posted on EdenFantasys. I had a hard time writing it, word constraints and all but think I managed to get everything in there. If you will excuse me, I will take the time to count my rabbit vibes.

Still there? With the newest additions straight from the UPS last night, I have 13 rabbit vibrators. Strictly rabbit style. None of those smaller dual stimulators or pseudo rabbits. I’ve also gone through 2 Rabbit Habits which decided to break on me (so I’ve tried 15 in all). I have used and loved many rabbit vibrators. Rabbits used to be my surefire way to get off.

But I didn’t get off with the Double Dare 4-Play. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I was able to orgasm with a rabbit, using it the normal way. I’ve spent a while focusing on squirting which while mentally pleasurable and exciting, has never done a lot for me physically. Actually the Double Dare 4-play offered truly pleasurable G-spot stimulation but that’s not where I’m going with this. I’ve fallen out of practice with clitoral orgasms so every time I get a rabbit up there, my clit is confused. Before, I just sort of subdued my body into orgasm but now it’s fighting back. Now those vibrations are too rough, too buzzy, that material too hard, that shape too giving, so on and so forth. Honestly, I think my clit has become more sensitive in a negative way, much like my G-spot has become more sensitive in a positive way. I need to relearn my body but old habits die hard – unless it’s a Rabbit Habit which is a cheap piece of crap.

So here I am, with a pile of rabbits that call to me. Some I’ve had amazing interactions with. Some barely registered on my radar but they all make me a little sad, a little nostalgic for how things used to be. I miss knowing how things were going down. I miss how I could ignore my anatomy, unlike all those women who have never had a rabbit which fit. How did I avoid that? And, god dammit, I miss getting off. So you know what? Go read my review. I’m going to masturbate.