There, I bet that got your attention!
Lately, my attention has been directed toward an attempt at censorship in my own public library. As far as I can tell, someone was offended when they discovered that the library carried a sex education book for teens and demanded the book’s approval. A year later, critics are still pressuring the library, this time to implement a reading system to ensure children are not exposed to “smut” and “pornography.” I doubt any of these people have read the book from cover to cover.
By the time you teach your children about sex, some may already be victims of assault–and some may be perpetrators.
Perhaps it’s no surprise. The call to ban and censor books doesn’t seem to be losing any steam, and homophobia and transphobia seem to be the fuel this time around. They want to “protect the children,” or so they claim. Except they ignore the risks that not providing age-appropriate sex education poses. I’m not wringing my hands about make-believe consequences. A lack of comprehensive, science-based, sex-positive education has already made a drastic negative impact on our world, and we need look no further than sexual assault statistics to see this.
Not providing age-appropriate sex education, which should begin earlier than many people are willing to recognize, means that by the time you teach your children about sex, some may already be victims of assault–and some may be perpetrators. Children may encounter sexual abuse before puberty and spend a lifetime dealing with repercussions that range from drug use to major depression.
By teaching children that they have bodily autonomy that others should respect, you give them permission to say “No” when someone attempts otherwise and the knowledge that they are not at fault and can seek help if someone violates those boundaries. This knowledge is especially important because abusers are most often known to the victim, possibly being a family member, and those people may manipulate those relationships to successfully abuse children. No one wants to consider that someone they deemed safe around their child(ren) is anything but. Yet even less, parents and caregivers don’t want their children to experience repeated abuse at the hands of someone who has convinced their victims that it’s acceptable or, even worse, that they will be in trouble if they tell someone about it. Ensuring your children that they can come to you if someone violates their sexual boundaries is part of sex education. But it’s only useful if children understand how bodily autonomy and sex work–and if they can use words
Ensuring your children that they can come to you if someone violates their sexual boundaries is part of sex education.
Assault isn’t the only risk associated with inadequate sex education: unwanted pregnancies and pregnancies are avoidable consequences. Decades of abstinence-only education proves how ineffective it is to simply say, “Don’t do this.” For most people, sexual desire comes naturally. It’s how human beings have lasted this long, after all. Failing to accept that doesn’t change anything; it simply makes it more likely that your child does not take proper precautions during their early sexual experimentation.
We can also greatly reduce how many people, especially women, experience painful sex and how long it takes to seek help, potentially identifying significant health concerns, by treating sexuality as a topic worthy of education. In fact, abstinence-only education that only paints the risks of sex can contribute to the anxiety that is symptomatic of vaginismus, which causes vaginal pain and may require therapy or other interventions.
People also overlook the consequences of not teaching people that they deserve to have mutually satisfying interactions with people. While it may be difficult to imagine your child all grown up, they won’t stay young forever. Don’t you want them to one day be able to enjoy sexual and romantic relationships rather than being unable to do so because they never learned that their pleasure and desires matter? We all too often see people settling, selling themselves short, and sacrificing necessarily in these relationships.
Finally, we cannot ignore that lack of inclusive sex education can be an issue of life or death. How much do people hide of themselves if they’re worried about being judged for who they are when they could discover who they are and spaces where they are celebrated instead? Sex education may not entirely erase homophobia or transphobia, but it can mitigate some homophobic bullying. We don’t need to live in a world help people who are at risk of dying by suicide or might otherwise suffer greatly go without help.
I know that some people will argue. Maybe they believe children should learn about sex at home and not in schools. Yet I recognize that few parents have received sex education that will prepare them to do so, and talking about sex is hard. We struggle to do so with partners in our bedrooms, let alone with younger minds who may be more interested in anything else than talking about sex with their parents. Why not ensure access to books that can supplement whatever sex education children receive and perhaps encourage them to talk about it with their parents as some books recommend?
I thought about ending this post here because while it will already make waves, it’s rather gentle. I’m only calling on people who want to protect their children to consider the ways barring them from information might actually harm them. Perhaps some people will consider the arguments and conclude that their child’s well-being and life is more important than their discomfort. I certainly hope so.
But if we’re all being honest, it’s not about protecting the children. At least, not from real harm. It’s about preventing them from seeing that gay and trans folks exist and can do so happily and healthily because you cannot muster tolerance let alone love for your neighbor. At best, these people don’t want their children to “get ideas” about these new-fangled gender and sexual identities, even though we’ve been studying them for over a century and literal Nazis attempted to bar the same information. Even though people have questioned their genders and sexualities well before they knew anyone else who did the same or had the words to describe their feelings. Even though being accepted by one person reduces the risk that a trans person will die by suicide.
Even the best-case scenario, in which a person isn’t actively spewing hate toward gender and sexual minorities, is frustrating. While being fine with “those people” as long as they don’t have to see evidence that those people exist (i.e., “not in my front yard”), it’s that attitude that makes some other people think it’s okay to harass and assault people who identify differently. We are in times where remaining quiet is just as bad as condoning this behavior, especially when so many people are vocally hateful. It’s no wonder so many anti-LGBTQ bills are being proposed–and passed.
I guess murder and torture are okay if you’re convinced the victim is going to hell, anyway. We’ll ignore the hypocrisy of the self-righteousness that harms others. You only need to love your children as long as they meet your expectations. The golden rule only applies to those who think and look like you. Spreading hate is acceptable as long as it’s your hate.
That is the real goal–to control how people think by preventing access to alternative ideas. Children often do learn these lessons, even if it means hating themselves. But many people also unlearn homophobia and transphobia, even becoming staunch allies if they themselves are straight or cisgender. The renewed fervor to do so only reflects how difficult it has become to control information in the age of the Internet (with some significant caveats). You can try to filter everything your child sees, hears, or reads but it’s going to require constant effort and, usually, isolation.
Squeezing your iron fist tighter to retain control is rarely successful. You cannot control your children’s every thought or action. Attempting to do so often results in rebellion, which may and sometimes complete rejection of your relationship. Undoubtedly, many will come to regret their actions upon facing the real consequences. But it will be too little too late. Time will be lost, and there’s not making up for it. For those who suffer under the hateful bigotry, the damage is already done.
Maybe there’s a way to reach the people who would rather not look back on a missed opportunity to be kind and have relationships with their children. I sure hope so. Because it doesn’t have to be this way. We can protect kids, including from our own shortcomings.
