For years I have been interested in BDSM and have read books as well as countless pages online. I visited chat rooms and became involved in discussions, even attended online events. Immediately, I knew myself to be a dominant but I struggled with this. I have been in a vanilla relationship since about the time I discovered BDSM so I have no had a chance to experiment as much as I would like. Although my marriage has room for some BDSM elements, I am not sure my husband is the person who would be the best submissive for me.
This lack of experience has led me to doubt myself. Am I really a dominant? Could I even be? For a while I wondered if I were a switch but, then, I realized I am not. There is nothing in me that is submissive. However, I respect submission and those who feel that and I can only imagine how enthralling it would be. It’s just not for me.
Lately I have again been considering the part of myself which is attracted to BDSM and I began to doubt once more. I am not entirely sadistic. What’s more, I am more masochistic than one would typically consider a dominant. Again, I wondered “could I be a switch?”
I think I have been uncomfortable with my interest in BDSM because I could not find my place in it. I also think that I will be able to do so in the future. I visited a few places online and while many communities focus on the sadistic Dominant and masochistic submissive, a few places recognize the many shades of grey within BDSM. It was here where I read the words of other Dominants like me who had no desire to submit but who still enjoyed pain and sensation.
I love sensation. I love feeling silks and furs and creamy body washes on my skin. I like the idea of being bound, sometimes. I just don’t want to person who is providing me with such sensations to do so in any way which suggests they are in control.
I have a dominant personality and require the best submissive for me to top while still relinquishing control. And that’s okay with me.
Maybe there’s no label for this. I think I see myself in this but the opposite way. I have no real intention of being dominant but enjoy watching others get a lot of pleasure from what I’m doing to them (when they’re tied down or I’m holding them there etc.)
Sienna, I think you’re probably right. There is no good label and that is why I have had such a difficult time finding myself.